Ladies and gentlemen, this plot bunny has annoyed me for quite some time. My GF, Dr. Insane-O, and another friend have all been badgering me about getting back into writing, and they seem to quite like this idea. So, I'm going to try the waters with it.

Here is a "practice" chapter of Hellsing: Survivor. If enough people like it, I'll rewrite it and repost it as a FULL STORY. If ya'lls reaction isn't too spectacular, I'll either update it every few chapters, or just let it rot in fan fic purgatory. Mwah hah hah hah...

Anyway, the concept is simple. A bunch of Hellsing characters, trapped on an island, competing in a bunch of challenges to see who can last the longest on the island. Winner gets a reward that caters to them... Pip would get a bunch of money, while Anderson would get a chainsword. Yes, thats right, a chainsword. As in a sword with a chainsaw for a blade. In case you were wondering, Warhammer 40,000 has been my fixation for the last few months, since I've been without internet. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that. I've been without internet, thus the lack of updates. And of course, writers block...

I'm sorry if the story is too out of character. I'm having trouble deciding if it should be in character and serious, or obvious that the characters are out of their element. I dunno, you'll see what I mean...

Okay, enough of my mindless babbling. Lets get to the stuff ya'll really care about...

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Hellsing, Survivor, or Warhammer 40K. But I can dream...


Hellsing: Survivor

Chapter 1

Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, near the shores of an uninhabited tropical island, trouble was brewing. A large sailing ship, reminescent of a 17th century pirate vessel, was docked just outside the sand bars surrounding the island. On board, several members of the Hellsing Organization, as well as one member of Section XIII, were not in the best of moods.

"Hard to believe we all bought into this..." Integra Hellsing growled, taking a deep draw from the cigar between her lips in an attempt to calm her nerves. It didn't help, of course, but at least she enjoyed the flavor. Her loyal butler, Walter, stood beside her, already opening the box of cigars he carried for her so she could retrieve a fresh one when she needed it.

"Isn't greed a natural human emotion?" Alucard, the No-Life-King, crooned from nearby. From beneath his wide-brimmed fedora, which concealed him from the annoying light of the sun, the vampire flashed a fanged grin. "It really isn't that hard to believe, when you think about it..."

"I won't deny it!" Pip Bernadette, the smart-mouthed French mercenary employed by the Hellsing Organization, exclaimed from the ship's railing. "I'm here for ze money! Zat, and the chance to see ze Police Girl in a bikini!" he grinned, casting a glance over at the timid girl cowering in Alucard's shadow.

"Pig..." the young blonde growled, narrowing her eyes at the perverted soldier of fortune. Instead of the usual Hellsing uniform Seras Victoria wore, the vampiress was now garbed baggy jeans and a modest t-shirt, as well as a baseball cap. It was hard to tell if it was to avoid trouble with sunlight, or the wandering eyes of Pip.

"I'm here fer one simple reason..." snarled the tall, bespectacled figure leaning against the ship's mask. Pointing a white-gloved finger at Alucard, Father Anderson proclaimed: "I'm goin' to defeat Alucard, no matter what it takes!"

"Even in trivial matters, you can't stand to see me prosper..." Alucard shook his head, smirking at the Paladin. Anderson growled, reaching into his coat for some sort of weapon. But before things could get out of hand, a new voice interupted them.

"Excuse me..." coughed a new figure that had emerged from below deck. "I think it's time we got this little show on the road..." All eyes turned towards the man as he approached the humans and vampires gathered on the deck. He was wearing a black uniform, with a grey Kevlar bullet-proof vest over it, as well as grey elbow and knee pads. His hands and feet were covered by black fingerless gloves and combat boots, respectively. His face was concealed, however, hidden behind a gas mask, red-tinted goggles, and a combat helmet. Holding his hands aloft, as if to show he meant no harm, the man bowed slightly as he introduced himself. "The name's Agent HUNK." He ignored the snicker that barely escaped from Pip, and continued. "I'm the one who invited you all here, and I'm the one running this competition. As you've already been told, this contest will have you all working as a team, yet there can only be one winner. You'll be camping out on the island you see behind me," he gestured over his shoulder at the nearby tropical island, "and competing in competitions for things like food and supplies. But you'll also be occassionally holding voting sessions, in which you'll vote one of your teammates off the island. The last person left on the island get a reward that caters especially to them."

Several eyebrows arched at the prospect of a reward. "Alucard, should you win, you'll recieve a new weapon. It is called a Lancer. It's a machine gun-"

"I've been dragged all the way out here... for a machine gun?" Alucard spat.

"With a chainsaw bayonet!" Agent HUNK finished. Alucard's expression lightened, to say the least. "Seras Victoria, you'll be recieving..." he paused, scratching at his helmet for a moment. "Well, to be honest, we don't know what you'll get if you win. We'll figure it out eventually..." he shrugged. He then turned towards Walter. "Walter, should you win, you'll be recieving new flying wires, a week's vacation, and a pay raise." The butler grinned, and the masked man turned to face Integra. "Sir Helling, if you win, you'll be getting a week's vacation, with no Alucard, no interuptions, and no random problems popping up out of nowhere." Integra decided then and there that she would win, even if she had to kill somebody for it. "Pip, you'll get several thousand bucks, a locker full of guns, and some of Integra's cigars. And you, Father Anderson..." the dark-garbed figure turned to face the towering priest. "Should you win, you'll become the proud owner of something called a Chainsword. I'm sure the name explains it all. Soooooooooo... Any questions?"

Alucard spoke for everyone when he asked, "When do we start?"


It hadn't taken long to get the players loaded into the rafts and sent to shore. Amazingly, Alucard and Anderson didn't kill each other. The prospect of new weapons to slaughter their foes - namely each other - with seemed to subjugate their bloodlust. They were sent ashore in seperate rafts, though, just to be safe. When the 6 players (Agent HUNK had stayed aboard the ship, since he wasn't an actual player) arived on shore, they found a nice beach where there was plenty of space between the crashing waves and the dense jungle. Oddly enough, a small crate already awaited them there. It contained a hatchet, some blankets, a piece of flint and a scrap of steel for fire starting, and a few packets of blood for the vampires. Once they were settled down, it was time to assign responsibilities.

"I suppose we should decide who's in charge of what..." Seras said timidly. She was still wearing the jeans, shirt, and cap from aboard the ship. Being Alucard's fledgling, she could handle direct sunlight, although prolonged exposure might crisp her a bit. She still prefered to be covered up, of course. Alnmost everyone else still had on their usual atire, except for Pip. The mercenary had already stripped down to his swim-trunks, which were decorated with images of bullets and dollar signs. Seras also found herself oggling his well-toned abs for longer than she intended. If she'd been human and had any color to her face, she probably would have blushed.

"Alright, then..." Integra nodded, coughing to catch everyone's attention. "Alucard, Walter, Anderson - you three go fetch some materials to make shelter with." The three men, not even bothering to argue, headed off into the woods. "Me and Seras will gather fruit and other food supplies. Pip, light us a fire..."

"Right on it!" Pip saluted, grabbing the flint and steel and heading off to start a fire. A few moments later, everyone had gone off to do their thing. Pip was left alone on the beach, trying to light some fragments of wood and leaves on fire with the sparks from piece of rock and the chunk of metal they'd been geven. Eventually, he managed to light the materials with a few strays sparks. Unfortunately, one of those sparks landed in his long braid of red hair. As he fanned the growing flames and threw more sticks on the growing blaze, he suddenly detected the scent of burning hair. And that was when he realized that his head was on fire. Or at least, the majority of his hair braid was ablaze. The Frenchman lept to his feet, let out a horrified shriek, and ran towards the water flailing his arms and leaving a trail of smoke. Without bothering to look where he was diving, the mercenary lept into the crashing waves and dissappeared beneath the ocean's surface.

A few seconds later, he emerged screaming in agony and terror. The fire was out, yes. But now there was a crab latched on his face. Clawing violently at the crustacean, he suddenly lost his balance and fell into the water. Somehow, he managed to sit on another crab, which did not take too kindly to having a butt land on its face. Once again, Pip emerged from the ocean screaming in agony and terror. And once again, he lost his balance and fell back into the water. The process was repeated far too many times than he would have liked...

Eventually, everyone returned to the camp site. Walter had cut down some trees with his wires, while Alucard and Anderson, relieved of their weapons by Agent HUNK earlier, carried the trees back to the camp and hacked them up with the hatchet and eventually their bare hands, due to yet another stupid contest between them. Just as they finished constructing the lean-to shelters, Seras and Integra emerged from the woods holding a handfull of bananas and pineapples. Shortly thereafter, Pip returned.

The man looked like a walking seafood buffet. A crab was latched onto his face, leaving only his mouth in view. His chest was covered in seaweed, but there was also a lobster dangling from one of his nipples. A small shark had also managed to latch on to his left leg, and was hanging from his knee. There was also the crab hanging onto his butt for dear life, as well as a sea urchin he'd managed to fall on. But the most bizarre thing of all was the small black fish on his neck. It was an algae eater, often sound in aquariums with their mouths attached to the glass, and it was sucking quite vigorously at his trachea. "Somebody..." Pip gasped feebly, "help me..."

Eventually, the rest of the team helped him get rid of his fishy friends, who were set aside for that evening's meal. Unfortunately, the algae eater left a rather obvious hickey on his neck. It took hours for Seras to stop laughing about that...


Okay, I've got to take a break. That's way more writing than I expected it to be! Could I have some feedback soon, please? I want to know if this should be a full story, or just a few short ficlets. The reader responses will help me decide that. I'd prefer to know soon, before we get on to the actual challenges...

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Review, please! :D

-Agent HUNK