I have no excuse as to why I'm so late, really. I just didn't have ideas. No, this chapter didn't go up as fast as the last one did. I started grade 12 (senior year) about four days ago. I don't know when I'll next update what with this being my last year. Funnily enough, I write more when I shouldn't be writing at all.

As promised, this is longer than the other chapters (twice as long, if not longer - still short, but I'm getting there). Thanks goes out to Miranda, without whom this chapter never would have happened, ritachi for her awesome crit, and Novelist Pup for continuing to be amazing. three AM is still in your profile? Seriously? You rock so fucking hard.

Not to forget all of the other amazing reviewers! Three (incredibly short) chapters, sixty five reviews? You guys are ridiculous and I completely and utterly love you.

Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray, and if I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. Nor do I own Wendy McNeill's lyrics. And... :: WARNING WARNING WARNING :: A prank in very horrible taste coming up in this chapter. Bad. Not to mention, Kanda has no tact whatsoever.

Oh. And. Uh. Gay.

Faux Fetus

"I'm not wearing it."

"Yuu," Lavi was quickly losing his patience, "we've been through this. You're the one with long hair, so you're wearing it."

"Fuck you. If you try to get that thing on me I swear to God I'll kill you."

"I thought you were an atheist? Besides, you have a black one just like it at home! I don't see what the big deal is."

"It's pink."

"Real men wear pink?"

"It has a cat that looks like it's on crack on the front."

"It's fucking Hello Kitty!" Lavi's arms flailed dramatically for emphasis, "there's nothing wrong with it!"

"You wear it then."

"Yuu, there's no way I can pass off looking like a girl. Not to mention, if my eyepatch got caught on camera it'd be like holding up a sign saying hi, I'm Lavi, and I'm going into the girls bathroom!"

"Get someone else to do it."

"We need to make sure that as few people as possible know about what we're doing, we can't afford to have another conspirator. Hell, I actually had to pay Wheels to keep quiet after he heard everything went okay," Lavi was biting down on his lower lip, brow furrowed, "the little bastard..."

Kanda almost (emphasis almost) had an incredibly childish "I told you so," moment, but he decided against it last minute.

"No. And that's final."


"Fuck it, Lavi. Where the hell did you get that... that thing anyways?"

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies," the redhead managed a meek grin. Kanda suddenly found himself wishing he hadn't asked, there were too many possible scenarios going through his brain at that comment.

"You really are a flaming fag, aren't you?"

"Only for you, babe."

Kanda wondered if Lavi's brains would make a lovely splatter pattern on the floor if he decked him hard enough.

Lavi amused himself with standing by the vending machine a little ways away from where the door to the girls bathroom was situated, making it appear as if he were texting someone on his cellphone (he was texting one hell of a message at the rate he was going) and made sure he kept his blind eye to the camera so nobody would be able to tell the other one was scoping the area carefully. Kanda had gone in a while ago, and the redhead had simply made it appear as if he'd casually come to the hall to get a candy bar and a soda (a rather unhealthy habit of many of the students in the school, actually) and had stopped to lean against the wall and dabble with his phone.

He had been making a show of being here for the past week regularly, and would meet with casual acquaintances, friends, people from other classes and the like. Nobody would suspect him all that much, really, if he put on that kind of act. Hopefully.

He didn't make anything obvious when he heard the door open again and someone walk out, pretended not to notice, and it wasn't until Kanda began exiting to his left that he allowed himself to peek out of the corner of his eye.


Hood up, shoulders rendered slightly bent, making his frame seem smaller. Some strands of black hair inconspicuously peeking out, his head lowered, a scarf under his hoodie hiding his mouth.

If Lavi hadn't known any better he seriously would have mistaken Kanda for a girl. A tall girl, but a girl nonetheless.

He left, Lavi continued texting. He erased the message he'd been working on and started on a new, shorter one asking about his English homework to a classmate of his (he'd already finished it, but whatever), and this was around the time other students started milling in. He grinned, easy as anything, when a white haired sophomore approached him.

"Mornin' Lavi."

"Hey Al," he managed to get the wrapper off of his candy bar, offering it to the British teen, "want a half?"

"Mm, I'm not partial to chocolate."

"Oh right, I'd forgotten," no he hadn't - Lavi never forgot about anything. Regardless, the lie slid from his lips easily, he was only making conversation for the sake of conversation. Kanda was definitely way out of reach by now, most likely changing out of the damnable hoodie and cleansing himself of the overall pinkness. The green eyed boy was going to have to pay an arm and a leg for this in the future and he knew it, but it was just so worth it.

Girls were starting to mill into the bathroom in their morning ritual of checking their appearances, and after the first few went in he heard nothing. That was okay, he expected that much. They weren't supposed to find the stall at least until--

Oh. Spoke too soon.

The screech that met his ears was almost painful, and the series of ones that followed almost made him want to burst out laughing. But he couldn't, shouldn't, that would completely blow his cover. So with the will power of a seasoned prankster and a confused act any entertainer would kill to be able to achieve he blinked blankly, turning to look at Allen.

"What the hell?"

"I... I'm not quite sure - why the screaming?"

A rather hysterical girl, looking slightly gleeful if anything at being the bearer of bad news (Lavi would never really understand people) cried excitedly, possibly as loud as she could, "there's a BABY in there!"

This, of course, confused a great deal of those standing outside the bathroom, and a bit of a crowd was beginning to grow due to the noise. Whatever girls were present head in to the bathroom as well, while seemingly traumatized-looking others emerged to give their take on the juicy details. In about five minutes anyone within the general area had heard that a dead baby had been located in a toilet in one of the bathroom stalls, blood splattered just about everywhere. Even a few daring boys tried to get in to see, but were halted by members of the female populace.

"A baby?" Allen seemed thunderstruck, "as in, a dead--?"

"Dude, don't go there," Lavi covered his mouth and made a mock-gagging motion, "please. Let's just get out of here."

That was about when teachers started milling in, and it wasn't long until the principal himself, Komui Lee, made himself present. His hair was haphazard under his usual beret, as if he'd been napping before hastily jamming it on to his head, and his glasses were slightly lopsided.

He looked quite harassed.

"Alright, enough! Keep moving, please leave this area immediately--" he seemed to be having a hard time, "or it'll be after school detentions for a week for all of you!"

At that his young charges immediately began to disperse, and one very confused custodian followed out of the bathroom, accompanied by the Vice Principal Bridget Fay.

"We've verified it's not a human fetus," her voice was calculating as ever as she tossed her head back slightly, heavy brows furrowed disapprovingly, "but we did find this taped to the inside of the stall.

Her slender, manicured fingers extended a card to Komui, who felt he'd finally seen just about everything in all his years of teaching, only to feel an uncontrollable twitch beginning to form in his brow. A small doodle of a bunny was apparent in the top right-hand corner of the piece of paper, and in a messy scrawl were written choice few words.

"What on Earth is a Falcon Punch?"

The entire school was abuzz with rumors by the end of the day, some people sternly believing that it had been a human fetus uncovered in the stall, others passing on more warbled versions of the story, and even listing off various girls that may have been "culprits."

Well, Lavi didn't quite care. The road to success was littered with sacrifice. C'est la vie. And from what he'd been able to overhear...

"And there was like blood, like everywhere!"

"No fucking way, seriously? Omigod, gross."

"I know right? Barf me out, eugh. I bet you it was that skank--"

He didn't wait around to hear the rest of it. The redhead simply tried to keep the spring out of his step on his way to French class.

Thanks to Lavi, Kanda knew he would have an intense dislike for anyone sporting red hair for the rest of his life. Then again, Kanda harbored an intense dislike for most people, so that didn't really change much of anything. Perhaps just a tad.

He looked down at the offending pink Hello Kitty sweater he'd just removed from his body, its soulless eyes looking back up at him. Violating him.

Make that four tads and fifteen smidgens.

He balled it up, stuffed it in the plastic bag he'd had in its pocket and then proceeded to throw it into the clothing donation box behind the Mac's, nobody would suspect the same sweater the supposed girl who'd been caught on the security camera would end up here, and now it was some other unlucky sap's problem.

Some poor unlucky sap's problem.

Kanda didn't give a damn. Sacrifices were to be made (and had he known this made him far more similar to Lavi than he'd ever be forced to believe, he would have immediately gouged his eyes out and promptly died).

So he straightened out his black shirt, tied his hair back low, and tried not to shudder at the strange feeling that had been left on his bare forearms and elbows from that accursed sweater. He should have worn long sleeves, now he was just going to need to take a long shower after all this.

Funny, how filthy most of Lavi's plans left him feeling. Still, decimating the pig fetus was nothing compared to this (in his eyes, anyways). This hadn't been a blow to his senses, nor his physicality, no this had been the worst blow of all - one to his pride. And the fact of the matter was, Lavi was going to use this as blackmail and there would be absolutely no getting around it unless Kanda planned on lopping his head off before he could.

But lawsuits and going to police stations and all that, such a chore. He could really do without it. That was usually why he refrained from killing the pirate-wannabe, at least that was what he told himself.

He rubbed one of his forearms slightly, trying to get the awful feeling of that too fluffy pink sweater off of his skin to no avail before picking up his backpack from where it sat on the pavement, pulling it over one shoulder and walking back to school.

If anything counted as the cherry atop of the proverbial ice cream sundae, this was it.

When the PA system had sounded with an ominous beep fifteen minutes before the end of the school day, Lavi couldn't have been more relieved. He'd thought for a moment that administration wouldn't address the students directly about what had happened earlier in the day, and he could now lay those worries to rest. Time to just kick back, relax, and enjoy the show.

"Students. This is an important announcement; please deviate your attention from your respective tasks for a few moments."

He cast Kanda a sideways glance across the Chemistry classroom, and the Japanese teen looked as nonchalant as ever, arms crossed. Perfect. Mister Wenham attempted to get their classmates to settle down, and all was silent for a few seconds before the principal's voice sounded over the moniters again.

"Thank you. As most of you are probably aware, there was quite a commotion caused over a rather disturbing scene observed in the girl's restroom on the first floor this morning. I'm to inform you that in no way, shape or form was anyone harmed, and it was all simply a prank in incredibly bad taste. Linked to it, however, are far more serious charges concerning vandalism, trespassing and theft. We encourage students with information to come to the office so we can apprehend those who preformed this act, and if those responsible step forward themselves know that you will have a reduced punishment. That is all."

Following the announcement was a buzz, a low hum of students talking to one another about what they had just heard, and the redhead was trying exceptionally hard not to cackle aloud. If admin could have done anything at all to show the student populace that they had no idea as to just who had done the deed, this was it. If similar pranks followed, everyone would know something was up.

Oh, this day was fantastic.

Lavi's idea of celebration involved a six pack of Molson beer, an extra large pizza, his laptop hooked up to some speakers with music blaring and the television set to a miscellaneous channel.

"Well, I'd say today went spectacularly, wouldn't you?"

"Just shut up and pass me a beer."

"Tes-ty," for once he did as he was told and got out the bottle opener, a faint hiss issuing from under the cap as it was pried off before he handed it over to his alleged best friend. Kanda took it without hesitation, and after bringing it to his lips and downing a gulp he grimaced.

"It's warm."

"That's what happens when it's allowed to veg in the trunk for a few hours," Lavi had uncapped his own bottle and was drinking it down without complaint from his spot on the floor in front of the low coffee table. The teen sitting on the couch across from him, meanwhile, raised a brow.

"Aren't you a fucking lightweight?"

"I can totally handle my liquor!"

"This," Kanda shook his bottle slightly, "hardly counts as liquor."

"... Dude," Lavi looked offended, "that was possibly the most un-Canadian remark you've ever made."

"I'm Japanese."

"... See, people like you are the reason we're having an identity crisis!" Lavi had puffed himself up in a self-important way. Kanda wondered if the beer was getting to him already, "I'm Italian, I'm Polish, I'm French, I'm Indian, I'm Ukrainian, I'm Pakistani - there's way too many people that identify either with their original country of birth, their parents country of birth, or their great-great-whateverthefuck-grandparents place of birth. Why can't everyone with a citizenship just go for the good old maple leaf?"

"Because it's Canada, dumbass, what d'you figure we're known for? Beer, marijuana, hippies, peace keeping, multiculturalism, gay people, monopoly money, maple syrup, excessive niceness and a shitty military. Not in that particular order. We have a beaver on the nickle, a fucking beaver. How threatening do you think that is?"

"So we're a good mix of most things you hate."


"God, I love this country," Lavi grinned from ear to ear.

"Well you're a little too Canadian."

"What?" he seemed genuinely confused for a moment.

"Red hair. Excessively nice. You play and watch hockey, and you've even driven a fucking zamboni. Eyepatch aside, we might as well stick you in a jersey and a toque and jam a hockey stick and a Molson in your hands while you stand next to a fucking igloo. With a beaver on a leash. You could be the poster child for this great nation, how about that?"

"The zamboni was for a part time job and you know it."

"Alright, who are you listening to on iTunes right now?"

"Wendy McNeill. Why?"

"Where's she from?"

"... Edmonton."

"I rest my case."

The redhead looked positively indigent and was rendered speechless for a few moments. Kanda took this opportunity to take a drink of lukewarm beer, music warbling from the speakers.

Nothing like a belly full of stitches to let you know you're alive / Nothing like the leash of limitation to make you want to try / Nothing like a dodgy fortune teller to rush the next good bye / Nothing like a naive girl whose wide sad eyes say "why?" / "Why, why, why?" /

"Yeah, well Wendy makes the accordion sexy," Lavi was practically pouting, "so fuck you."

Kanda had been right when he'd accused Lavi of being a lightweight, and although the younger had absolutely no sense of personal space when he was sober, it only got worse when he was tipsy. So the onyx-eyed boy was currently attempting to push him off of his shoulder, and failing miserably.

"Lavi - fuck - get off-"

"Mmm, get off where now?"

"... You're sick."

"Not my fault you have a pretty face," his green eye was half-hooded, and he was grinning up teasingly. There was definitely still a hint of sobriety there, Kanda knew he was just trying to fuck with his head.

"I'll cut your tongue out, I swear to God."

"But you don't believe," Lavi drawled, and his grip was surprisingly strong. He was going to throttle Kanda at this rate, what with how tightly one of his arms was slung around his neck, and in a mocking voice he continued, "don't be scared, Yuubear, I promise to be gentle."

It was the hand that was now on his knee and steadily making its way up his thigh that shot down any self restraint Kanda may have had in the light of the fact that the redhead was half-drunk. He simply grabbed a slice of pizza and pushed it right into his face, causing Lavi to loosen his grip out of shock and then sending him straight to the floor.

The thump and yell that followed sounded painful. Kanda was not satisfied in the least.

"Fucking disgusting."

"I think I got mushroom in my good eye-" Lavi had pulled the slice off his face and was attempting to rub sauce and toppings off of his face, his eye patch had gotten a liberal amount of tomato-y goodness on it, "jeez, Yuu, if I'd known you liked it rough I would've just pinned you."

Kanda stomped his heel on the other's outstretched leg, and the unfortunate teen practically howled.

"Excuse me?"

"Alright, alright, I get it! Sado-masochistic relationships are the thing for you!" he was rubbing his shin gingerly, rocking back and forth slightly, "so does that mean you want me in leather? Tied to a bedpost? Or d'you just wanna spank me?"

"Keep talking and I'll destroy you. I'm serious. Nobody will ever find your body."

"Pssh, you're the first person they'd suspect," he paused a moment, lifting up his pant leg to inspect his shin, and sure enough it was quite red, "I think... I think the shock to my brain from all this abuse has rendered the alcohol useless. Wasn't that in that one episode of Mythbusters? When Adam actually sobered up some when Jamie slapped him?"

"If you have to open your mouth, can you at least say something useful?"

"Sure, fine, whatever."

Lavi reached for the tissue box atop of the coffee table, attempting to wipe off any sauce on his face before it caked on too badly. It was probably in his hair too - gross.

"Nobody saw you getting rid of the sweater, right?"

"I doubt it."

"So then we should be good. So far, we're about as suspect as anyone else in the school, and we've got roughly two thousand students attending, so we should be alright for a little while."

"Here's a question Einstein," Kanda's brow was furrowed, "if you want to become the stuff of legend, how are you gonna manage if nobody's aware of your identity? If you come out to students they'll either call you a liar, or it'll spread so far that admin calls you out anyways and you're screwed."

"Ah, so you noticed. Well, Yuu..."

Lavi's green eye had never looked so sharp, and despite the sauce caking his bangs together, or the slight haziness in his gaze from the alcohol, Kanda didn't find himself thinking about his utterly unreliable appearance.

"You'll just have to wait and see. Until then, let's move on to phase two, shall we?"

tbc... .


Not as much man-action as promised, and I'm sorry - I couldn't bring myself to do more without making it horribly, horribly OC (more so than it already is, anyways).

For the record: I have nothing against our military or anything else affiliated with Canada, Kanda's just a dick and listing off stereotypes.

As for why Lavi listens to Wendy McNeill? If you take a listen to any of her songs, preferably "Restless" (which is the one with the lyrics above), "Ask me No Questions" or "Such a Common Bird" (youtube them!) you'll notice a common motif. Her music reminds many of the nostalgia associated with pirate journeys and fables, carnivals and antique music boxes. I found she would suit Lavi's tastes adequately.

Why am I bothering you with all this? Because I'd like to have you lovely readers participate a bit, if you're interested c: What kind of music would Kanda listen to? It'd be great if you could give reasons why as well. I've got a few general ideas in my brain, but this story honest and truly does belong to you guys, because without you this chapter never would have been completed.

Thank you kindly, and I hope to see you soon. I'll try my best to reply to every review.