Disclaimer – I do not own Harry Potter. AU and contains spoilers for all seven books. I am writing this before the sixth movie has been released in the theaters...


That Isn't Me - I

(Ron and Hermione)

Harry Potter was passing the floor of the Gryffindor common room, his face much irritated and unhappy with the situation as it was. He also had yet to say anything to his friends. However, the letter from the Dursleys a few days ago had been scathing with remarks about what they had found out, they even bothered to send him all of what they had found out.

Hermione and Ron walked into the common room, quite happy with being friends again and having settled the 'current' spat that they had had. Harry hoped that there wouldn't be another one anytime soon. They sat down on the couch and turned to ask Harry, what ever was the matter, for it was Christmas break at school, a time to be joyous. Harry pulled out seven books and placed them on the table.

"Did you know that there are books released about me in the Muggle world?" Harry asked. Ron raised his eyebrows while Hermione nodded her head.

"You knew 'Mione?" Ron asked the girl.

"I found them and read them in the library… they cover all seven of our years, even though we're only in our fifth, maybe sixth. I read them for jokes, but… it was just weird, expesully how we're portrayed," Hermione stated.

"What do you mean how we're portrayed?" Ron asked.

"Well…," Harry said. "I think it is mostly how you are portrayed. I mean, the way the author wrote it, it is amazing that you and Hermione ever got together in the books."

"And that line… I never would have fallen for that one and gotten all excited… but perhaps I will, who knows,"

"What line! I want to know the line!" Ron said, sounding hopeful.

"Ron… you don't want to know, you really don't want to know." Harry said.

"Oh… and I turned into your mother and your sister turned into Lily Potter,"

"You two took a polyjuice potion?" Ron asked.

"No!" Harry said. "When we marry in the so called prolog, it is almost like it is your parents and my parents all over again."

"Gross!" Ron commented. "I can not imagine Hermione being like my mum… she's too smart and would go places, defiantly!"

"And we named our daughter Rose," Hermione stated.

"No way, I mean, with the Weasly curse of red hair, she would get picked on!" Ron said. "Even I am not that daft!"

"Neville became the new Herbology teacher at Hogwarts," Harry commented.

"Oh… did Draco die?" Ron said with his voice being quite hopeful.

"No…," Hermione said. "Put he isn't with Pansy any more. That girl… she really blew her mouth off in the last book."

"Oh, and the author kills off many people," Harry said.

"Who?!" Ron asked.

"Killed off are Snape, Voldomort, Wormtail…"

"Not bad,"

"Madeye Moody, Fred,"

"What! My brother dies! No! No! No!" Ron said. "There is no way either one of the twins would die! They are way too cheerful! How could the author do something like this! No! No! No! Why couldn't have been Percy?"

"Well, Percy has come back to the family," Hermione say. "Fred gets killed in front of him, and he goes nuts!"

"Percy, no way! But then again, when they turned my teddy into a spider, he was the one who came to my rescue,"

"The author also killed off Hedwig!" Harry commented. "And in her cage non-the-less."

"Ahh… hopefully not Pig! No, wait, why couldn't have been Pig!" Ron stated.

"Ronald Weasly!" Hermione chided. "Seriously, you're going to give that little owl a heart attack one of these days, and then what will you do?"

"I'll steal Malfoy's owl for both Harry and I to use, that's what I'll do," Ron joked. "Are you sure that he doesn't die, or his dad or his mom?"

"His mom saves Harry," Hermione commented.

"No way!" Ron said with his eyes wide. "So, cousin is more like her other sister then that one sister we thought she was like. Cool… still, we can't approach her… she'll hex us as we are blood traitors."

"But the biggest issue is, they make it seem like we could never get together," Hermione stated, a sad look on her face.

"Well, duh! We are together… uhh… sort of…" Ron stated in his usual way.

"Yeah… and you go out with Lavender," Harry said.

"How would I pull that off without Hermione getting mad at me?" Ron said.

"You don't…" both of his friends say at the same time.

"Man… Hermione must have been livid, I mean will be livid… shoot, I would never do that to her… I think…"

Meanwhile in the Slytherin common room….

"I can't believe I was made out to be that much of a coward," Draco said, sitting down in a huff, glad that not too many people could see him.

"Your glad… she made me out to be a cow… I would never turn Harry over… well, maybe, but I wouldn't be that vocal about it, I'd make it sound like a first year said it," Pansy said.

"I can't believe I die," muttered one of the goons.

"No, it was me who died!"

"No, me!"

Suddenly, Crabbe and Goyal were rolling on the floor in a tussle.

"What I wouldn't do for a character by the name of Millicent Bulstrode," Draco said. "Alright you guys! Hurry up and knock it off before…"

"The Head of your house shows up and deducts points," Snape said.

"You do that and I'll tell all of Slytherin that you're in love with Potter's dead mother!" Draco snapped. He suddenly had his ear pulled. "Ow!"

"If that ever leaks, I know who to blame for it, even if it wasn't that person who did it," Snape growled at the boy. He then stormed off.


Author's note – It is my personal opinion that Rowling is really good at fantasy, but her romance writing, it's mostly not that great. I felt that the actors who play Hermione and Ron actually did a better acting out the pairing then Rowling did in writing it, no offense to her. This is meant as a humor fic that all can enjoy. I am going to have two more of these, one with book Cho looking at movie Cho and where Luna meets Luna.