Oh, boy, am I in for it.

Before we continue, I'll make one thing perfectly clear- I am NOT on Team Edward or Team Jacob, for that matter. In my opinion, the words 'vampire' and 'sparkly' shouldn't be together in a sentence, and I generally regard Twilight with an air of condescending indifference. But... my friends wanted an mpreg yaoi Twilight fic. So... yeah. Review only if you want, but if I get any leet speak flames such as- 'OMG, this sux! 1 H8 it, go away and die! LOL :P', you will be put up for ridicule. Also, I know this chapter is short, but please review anyhow. Tell me where I'm going with this.

Disclaimer- I am very hapy to say that I don't have ownership of the Twilight 'Saga'. Good Lord...

Chapter 1

Carlisle knew something was amiss when he saw Edward eating pickles dipped in chocolate sauce.

For one thing, the Cullens generally kept that sort of food (or food in general) for the benefit of human visitors such as Bella, for they seemed to have a strange preoccupation with nutrients and things called calories. Seeing Edward eat this sort of food was alarming, but Carlisle was certain, howev€er long he had been a vampire for, that pickles and chocolate didn't go together.

"Ahem, Edward," he finally said kindly. Edward jumped and looked at Carlisle as though the Voltouri were going to swoop down take him away for eating pickles. "No need to get defensive, Edward. I'm just wondering why you're eating... that."

Edward looked at the jar of pickles in his hands, and suddenly said, "Carlisle, I need a pregnancy test!"

...What has this got to do with pickles?

"Edward... is Bella pregnant?" Carlisle asked after a long silence.

"No. It's for me."

There was yet another pregnant pause (sorry, couldn't help it), this one punctuated by Edward surreptitiously taking a pickle out of the jar and crunching on it while he looked at Carlisle anxiously. Carlisle sighed. He wished, once again, that he had gone over the basics of sex with all of his children properly.

Finally, Carlisle said, "Edward, do we have to go through this again? Men can't have babies. You see, when a man loves a woman very much..."

"Carlisle, I have been eating a lot lately, and I have been getting sick in the mornings. And I am so emotional lately... I burst into tears yesterday because Jasper told me to go die..."

Carlisle nodded absently, Doing his best to reserve all his empathy and listen to Edward's many, many troubles. To tell the truth, it sounded like business as usual with Edward, give or take a few bulimic episodes. True, that was worrying, but Edward was a vampire, for heaven's sake. He was bound to have a few self-esteem issues sooner or later. It was all part of the cycle.

"... and I slept with Jacob Black... and..."

Wait a minute. That was not business as usual with Edward.

"Excuse me?" Carlisle asked.

"I slept with Jacob Black," Edward mumbled, placing the jar of pickles on the kitchen table. Carlisle stared at him. Of course it takes Edward close to a century to come out of the closet, and the first boy he sleeps with was a werewolf? Forget any illusions of normalcy. Edward was not a normal teenager in any sense of the word.

"But Edward, even if you did indeed have... relations with Jacob Black, you couldn't get pregnant. It's biologically impossible."

"Yes. And I suppose continuing to live decades after my heart's stopped beating is perfectly natural, right?" Edward snapped, his voice laden with sarcasm. Then, without warning, he burst into tears. "Carlisle, I know I'm pregnant. I've taken three pregnancy tests to make absolutely sure."

"Then why did you ask me for a test, Edward? No, no don't cry. It's all right," Carlisle soothed, swiftly coming over to Edward and rubbing his back comfortingly. "Have you told Jacob?"

"N-no... I haven't talked to him since... and even then, we didn't really talk..."

"How about Bella?"

"No," Edward said miserably, "She'd probably look at me, not register the statement at all, and then say something like, 'Red is my favourite colour. How about you?' I honestly don't know why I'm dating her, Carlisle."

"Regardless, you are dating her. You have to tell her. And as Jacob is the father, it looks like he will have to stay with us," Carlisle said firmly, ignoring Edward's shocked and appalled eternal teenager look that had long ago lost its potence. He didn't think, that in all his centuries of being a surrogate father, he would have to deal with a teen pregnancy. But he would have to take this in stride.

Besides, he was old enough to be a grandfather by now.