Sorry, I had a life for a few months there... But, as a result, I have finally closed the book on this story! It is done, finito. I hope it meets your expectations, people of the Twilight fandom. Merry Christmas!
Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer is not awesome enough to be the indelibly incredible me.
Carlisle soon realized, after a few unsuccessful moments of trying to deliver the baby, that the Volturi's fascist rulings on childbirth among vampires perhaps compromised his authority as a midwife. Meanwhile, on the hospital bed they kept in the basement (they kept all their medical equipment in the basement, those Cullens. You never knew when a man in need of a defibrillator would tunnel into your house), Edward tried waited rather impatiently for his father to figure out the strange workings of his man-womb while Alice exorted him to push.
"Father, I don't mean to pressure you inexorbitantly," he finally said testily, "but the baby isn't waiting for you to deliver it humanely. Can't you just cut me open?"
"A Caesarean on a pregnant man is an unprecedented procedure..."
"When have there been any precedents for procedures on pregnant men?" Edward all but yelled. "Mr. Bowie, what's your perspective?"
"Well, I'm not a doctor, since it doesn't start with 'm'," the glam-rock icon said contemplatively. "But I observed and recorded a delivery of a similar nature on the planet Mars while communing with the spider people there. I think I could possibly talk you through it, Dr. Cullen."
And thus did David Bowie insure the safe and relatively painless delivery through a process that will not be described here for fear of being killed by Mr. Bowie's secret police. Let us instead go to the part where Jacob and Edward are having a gooey moment over their newborn child, who was still kind of wrinkly and red, but absolutely adorable, especially when it slept.
"She has your skin," Jacob said at length, "Sorta sparkly, and dead-looking."
"Uh, Jacob?" Alice said quietly. "It's a boy, eh?"
"Right," Jacob rejoindered valiantly. "What do you want to name him?"
"Well, I think since Jasper indirectly insured his life, and since Jasper is my brother..." Edward reasoned, trailing off so Jacob could follow his train of thought.
"So you want to name him Jasper?" Jacob said, trying not to burst out laughing.
"No. I want to name him Lestat. That way there's actually a vampire out there called Lestat and Jasper will stop his hero worship of that non-sparkly, carnivorous travesty and transfer it to our flesh and blood," Edward corrected.
"Sound like a plan," Jacob said, probably against his better judgement. The gushy moment was interrupted by Billy Black entering the (suddenly wheelchair-accessible) basement.
"What'd I miss?" he asked candidly, taking in the scene before him as though he had definitely seen this before.
"Uh, just the wedding, and the hurried reception that preceded the shotgun delivery of your grandson," Carlisle said briefly. "Please don't eviscerate me."
"I wasn't planning to," Billy assured. "I just wanted to see what's going on. And, so you never trust him with family affairs again, Carlisle, Charlie Swan is a great guy, but he can't keep a secret to save his life. Why didn't you tell me you knocked up Edward Cullen, son?"
"Uh, frankly, Dad?" Jacob said, quirking an eyebrow.
"It's not like this hasn't happened before between our kinds, you know. Hey Carlisle, do you remember that skinny English leech back in '68? He had the little girl with my brother-in-law, and named her Roseanna."
"Oh yes," Carlisle laughed thinly. "What a mess that was."
"You mean this has happened before?" Edward asked outraged. "And you never told me?"
"I wanted you to learn a good lesson about chastity," Carlisle shrugged. "Not until marriage, young man. Understood?"
"Yes Father," Edward said stiffly.
And thus the family dynamic in the Cullen household was restored, along with the peace between the Cullens and the Blacks.
Jacob and Edward went to the Niagara falls (and Marineland) for their honeymoon with little Lestat in tow.
Jasper left with David Bowie for England and engineered the rockstar's wildly successful return to the public eye with a new alter ego to add to his pantheon of stage personas: The vampire Hale.
Alice and Bella embarked on a trip to Canada to get their union sanctified, and stayed there to invest in collapseable igloos.
Carlisle took the time to complete another course in university, and graduated with a major in Male Pregnancy and Delivery. Now, if his son ever decided to give Lestat a younger sibling, he would be ready, and would not have to rely on the song David Bowie wrote on the reproductive systems of the spiders from Mars.