001. Don't sit on the radiator

Word Count: 1,522


Lucius Malfoy, James had thought, was going to be either a no-go or an angry lay. But he had no choice, as he'd been delivered the dare in the weekly game of Truth or Dare between the four Marauders. His Gryffindor sensibilities, as Sirius had once phrased it, would not allow him to admit that this dare was a bit too much for him to handle, but the grin on Sirius' face once he realized the full implications of the dare only managed to egg him on further. Remus had, perhaps, indulged just a bit too much on the developmental potions that Snape was creating in an effort to cure lycanthropy - a rather ground-breaking part of his application to become a Potions Master - and had dared James to add Lucius to his list of conquests.

Sirius, who had, without a doubt, imbibed more than his fair share of Firewhiskey, had thought the dare was hilarious and had staked upon it 500 Galleons that James would fail.

Peter Pettigrew, who was rarely worth mentioning - and this occasion was no exception, had laid 20 Galleons on the opposite side - he for some reason thought James would succeed.

And so it was that on the following Friday, in pursuit of the fruition of a dare and 500 Galleons from Sirius, that James found himself scouring the library for the platinum-haired Prince of Slytherin. It was a free period for the two of them and James had hoped that he would find the other student easily.

He should have known better, he thought to himself as he walked outside, making his way toward the lake. While he'd scoured the parts of the castle that were relatively easy for him to get to - whether or not they were areas where students were generally permitted - he'd seen a telltale shimmer of silver that he hoped was the Slytherin. He was successful there, and he found the Slytherin leaning against a rock, sound asleep.

James glared silently at the sight of Lucius sleeping, quickly growing exasperated when the young man showed no signs whatsoever that he was waking. "Fucking hell," he muttered as he turned and made to start walking away. He looked up at the castle and noticed Sirius watching him from one of the numerous windows on the third floor of the castle. He made an obscene gesture at his best friend and then Sirius started cheering. He was pulled away from the window, most likely by Remus, and James groaned, feeling as though he'd already lost the bet.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here, Potter?"

The unexpected question startled James slightly, and he turned around to stare at the Slytherin, who was looking at him almost expectantly. "Did I wake you, Lucy?" James asked as he took a seat next to the Slytherin, quickly recomposing himself as Lucius closed his eyes again and seemed to almost go back to sleep. "Need all the beauty sleep you can get, I suppose."

Lucius opened his eyes halfway to lay a lidded stare on James. "We cannot all walk around looking like we just took it up the ass the way you do, Potter," he said, keeping his face passive and not betraying anything. "What do you want?"

"Well, you segued into it rather nicely with your compliment in regards to my appearance," he said with a grin.

Lucius didn't even blink before responding. "I did not compliment you as to your appearance and I would not come near you with a ten foot pole," he said with a sneer at James.

"I'm not asking you to come near me with a ten foot pole. I am trying-"

"Your very hardest, I gather," Lucius interrupted, but James continued speaking as though the Slytherin had said nothing at all.

"I am trying to suggest that perhaps I might interest you in a friendly roll in the hay, a bumping of our respective fuzzies, a mutual muffin buttering, a horizontal hustle, a mattress mambo, a-"

"Regardless of how many euphemisms for sex you throw at me, I will not change my mind. I thought you stuck to sleeping with your own kind and the Ravenclaws, anyway." He closed his eyes and seemed to go back to sleep almost immediately.

"Fine." James crossed his arms and pouted, trying to think of a way to convince the Slytherin as he shifted in his seat, accidentally brushing his shoulder against Lucius'. He groaned and decided that perhaps using his Gryffindor brashness was the best way to go. "Would you help me win a bet, then?" he asked.

"Would this bet involve me putting a body part of mine into a body part of yours?" James was silent as Lucius opened his eyes again and stared at him for a long moment. "What are the parameters of this wager?" Lucius asked, sighing a bit as it seemed he gave in. "I want the whole story," he added just as James opened his mouth to answer his question.

"Remus dared me to add you to the list of my conquests. Sirius bet 500 Galleons that I wouldn't be able to do it."

"How long is this list of yours? I don't want to catch anything from you," Lucius said disdainfully.

"You know as well as I do that Purebloods cannot catch sexually transmitted diseases."

"I do not know many Pureblood whores, so I cannot be entirely sure whether or not you have managed to break that previously established precedent."

James half-growled and glared at the Slytherin. "Are you going to help me or not?" he asked exasperatedly.

"I suppose I can offer assistance, but you will deliver to me half of the 500 Galleon pot."

"Why? You don't even have to do any work if you don't want."

"I will have to make sure that I get aroused for a scrawny little Gryffindor like you, won't I?" Lucius asked scathingly as he stood.

James stared at him from the ground. "I bet at every Quidditch match you don't even know what the ending score is because you're too busy ogling me while I fly."

"You think far too much of yourself, Potter."

"What about our private encounter?" James asked.

"I'll send you an owl tomorrow morning with the time and location," he said before walking back into the school.

And as James picked himself up and headed up to meet Sirius before their Defense Against the Dark Arts class started, he couldn't help but feel completely proud of himself.

As he waited for Sirius to show up, Lily Evans approached him and he eyed her suspiciously. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I want to know if what I overheard Sirius Black talking about was true. Are you really going to sleep with Lucius Malfoy on a bet?"

"What concern is it of yours?" James asked as he glared at Sirius' back.

"I'm really just curious." She shifted a bit. "Besides, I think a bit of advice that my mother always gave me would help you out in the near future."

"Oh really?" James asked sarcastically. He held nothing against her personally, really, he just hated the way she manipulated her intelligence to make it seem like she thought herself better than everyone else, regardless of who was encompassed in this "everyone else."

Lily took a deep breath before shifting again. "She always told me 'don't sit on the radiator unless you want a burnt arse, otherwise you'll end up needlessly scarred." A moment passed when James said nothing, and Lily added, "A radiator is basically a box that circulates heat throughout a room."

"So you're comparing Malfoy's penis to a hotbox?" James asked with a smirk. "And you think that after sitting on it, I won't have gained anything useful?" he pressed, his smirk widening as Lily flushed a violent red at his questions. "As much as I am grateful for your concern regarding my ass," he said. "I can look out for it all on my own."

Sirius walked up and playfully wrapped his arm over James' shoulder. "What's up, Lily?" he asked, taking in both the lewdly mischievous look on James' face and the full blown blush on Lily's face. "Did I interrupt something?" he asked. "Because I am more than happy to walk away and let it continue."

"That won't be needed," Lily said, regaining her composure as she brushed past the two Marauders, walking into the classroom and taking her usual seat in the front of the class.