Criminal Masterminds

Summary: Gendo left Shinji with a teacher. If only he had known what he was doing. Now, Gendo had a bigger problem to deal with: someone who can and will outthink him. Crossover.

Timeline Update:

2067: Tokyo-2 constructed and becomes Japan's new capitol.

2071: Fairy Riot. Fowl Manor destroyed once more. Fowls relocate to Tokyo-2.

*2072: Fowl Manor II built. Max Butler, grandson of Juliet Butler becomes UN Secretary of Defense.

2076: Gendo Rokubungi born.

2077: Yui Ikari born.


Chapter 5: What Interests You?

When Shinji, Rei, and Artemis entered the classroom, the idle chatter that originally filled the room dramatically ceased. Rei took her usual seat and stared out the window. School didn't matter to her; it wasn't part of her purpose. Many regarded her as the 'Ice Queen,' due to her seemingly emotionless nature. But Rei knew all too well that it wasn't so. She had feelings, she just chose not to show them. She actually felt somewhat ashamed that she let her feelings show the night before. She may not be under the Commander's custody anymore, but she still felt loyal to him, and resolved to continue to follow his orders of not being involved with others.

Shinji stood in front of the class, waiting to be introduced as Artemis walked behind the desk. It was then that the Class Representative realized that Artemis was the teacher, and called out her customary, "Stand! Bow! Sit!" Artemis nodded his approval, and then introduced Shinji.

"I know it is usually customary for you to know who I am first, but I would rather introduce my foster son first. This is Shinji Ikari. I used to home school him, but he has reached the point where he would learn more in a classroom setting. Have a seat." Shinji did as he was told, opening his laptop to begin working. Artemis picked up a piece of chalk and turned to the board. "I am your new instructor, Artemis Fowl the Second. I've taught in several locations, most recently at Tokyo-2 University. You may call me 'Sensei', 'Professor', or 'Sir'. I will expect you to pay attention and do your work, and in return, I will attempt to make all your classes informative and interesting. There will be no cheating or – for lack of a better term – 'pranks' allowed in this class. I've been teaching for longer than most of your grandparents have been alive, and I can promise you that I know all the tricks, having created a few myself. You need to be mature now, you need to learn to survive and thrive for today and the future, and you need to put that camera away when I'm talking Mr. Aida."

The spectacled boy jumped, blushed, and buried his video camera deep in his backpack.

Artemis turned to face them, "Any questions?"

"What's with the 'Secret Service' getup?" someone shouted. Shinji fought the urge to slap his head.

"To answer your question, Mr. Suzuhara," the boy jumped in surprise as Artemis identified him, "I usually wear suits. The sunglasses are prescription. Any more questions?" The class remained silent, and Artemis nodded, "Very well. Now, for the first hour of every day, we are going to address your own fields of interest. Does anyone here have a particular interest in any subject?" No one raised their hands. "Anyone at all?" Still, nothing. Artemis sighed, sitting down on his chair. "Then this is your first assignment. Find a field of interest, something that inspires you, be it mathematics, oceanography, something as insane as pyrotechnics, or even something as low as pornographic photography. Find that interest, and write a two page essay on it to be handed in, and possibly shared with the whole class, tomorrow morning." The class groaned. "Since we have nothing to discuss, you may use the hour now to work on it. I will join you in this assignment by working on my own." This was a surprise to most of the class, as they had never had heard of a teacher joining an assignment.

Shinji opened a blank document, preparing to start, when a message window popped up on his screen: Are you the pilot of the mech? y/n He stared at it in surprise. Why did it matter? Another message appeared: Well, are you? He was about to answer when a third appeared.

Stop chatting over the Messaging System and return to your assignments. - Sensei

Glad for his guardian's intervention, Shinji began to think. He closed his eyes, meditating. What was he interested in? Music came to mind, but he dismissed it. It was more of a hobby; an escape. Music would be his second choice for a career. What would be his first. Then, he thought of his mother, and about the Eva. A smile spread across his face and he began to type.


By the time the hour was up, many students had handed in their essays, including Shinji. Artemis than began his history lecture. Many students thought he would lecture on Second Impact, like most of their previous teachers. To their surprise, he actually began with the Second World War. He enthralled the entire class, giving details about the actions of both the Allied and Axis Powers. Over the years, he had constructed several presentations complete with three dimensional maps and blueprints that he displayed on the projector, manipulating and rotating the images using his computer. Shinji took notes at a furious pace, along with several other class members. They were so involved in the lecture that no one noticed how long they had been listening until the lunch bell rang, right as Artemis finished covering the Bombing of Pearl Harbor.

Artemis closed down the presentations and stood, "Are there any questions?"

Nervously, one girl raised her hand, "Sir, I don't understand one thing. Who was responsible for the Pacific side of the war?"

"Many American and Japanese colleagues of mine have argued that back and forth for various reasons," Artemis smiled. "Instead of telling you my view, I want to know all of yours. Write a 100 word analysis stating your view and why and bring it with you tomorrow. We'll use them to continue our lesson tomorrow morning. After lunch, we'll study math and science. Mr. Aida, I'd like to talk to you about your essay before you go to lunch."

As the rest of the class left, Kensuke Aida walked up to Artemis' desk nervously. Artemis waited until the classroom was empty except for him and the student he asked for before speaking, "I didn't expect you to take my suggestion literally, Mr. Aida." He picked up Kensuke's essay, eyebrows raising from behind his sunglasses. "Your essay is on pornographic photography, but I can tell you one thing just by scanning this essay. This is not your interest. You don't have the heart for it."

Kensuke was surprised by that, "I don't?"

"No, you don't," Artemis nodded. "You know that it is wrong. Your paper is hardly large enough to qualify as an essay, and your reason of, '… I'm interested in this because it is perhaps the only way I'll ever get a girlfriend...' is rather weak. If you were really interested in something this low, your essay would have me dialing the authorities right now. There's something else you're interested in, but you don't like mentioning it because others ostracize you because of it." Nodding, Kensuke stared at his shoes. "I want you to take this essay home and shred it. As you do that, I want you to tell yourself that you can tell people what you are really interested in. I then want you to write what you are really interested in, and turn it in tomorrow." Artemis handed him the paper, and then spoke in a softer tone, "If you hide your true interest, you will never find out who your true friends really are. Wouldn't you rather have a true friend, rather than a fake one who hangs out with you under false pretenses?" Kensuke looked up, and smiled. Artemis smiled back, patting his shoulder, "Think about it. Now head off to lunch, before your classmates eat it all!"

After the boy left, Artemis walked over to one of the open windows relaxing. He looked for all the world like a teacher simply observing the students that congregated on the grounds below while they enjoyed lunch. Then, in one fluid motion that no one noticed, he reached into his jacket, pulled out Domovoi, fired a single shot and returned it to the hidden holster in his jacket. No one heard the silenced shot of the modified Sig Saucer, nor did they notice the assassin on a rooftop two blocks away fall back onto the roof, a small bullet hole in his forehead.

It was the third bounty hunter he had killed that morning, and all others were quickly learning that killing him wasn't worth two hundred-million.


The next morning, the students were silent and alert when Artemis Fowl walked in. All of them had turned their assignments in on his desk. They did their traditional greeting, and then waited silently.

Artemis decided to let them wait, leafing through and scanning their essays. After a minute went by, he noticed some students starting to fidget, and paused on the essay he was looking at. "Mr. Suzuhara, this is a well thought out essay. I think you have a better talent for writing then what you wrote about. You might want to look into it."

"He wrote about basketball, didn't he?" someone asked.

"Yes he did, and he did very well," Artemis answered. "Mr. Ikari, Ms. Ayanami, I'd like to talk to the two of you about your essays before lunch. Now, Mr. Suzuhara, for the next hour, would you explain to us how basketball is played?"

Toji was surprised, but quickly got up to begin telling everyone about his favorite sport. When the hour was up, Artemis was about to restart his lecture when someone asked, "What about you, Sensei?"

"You don't want to know," Artemis answered. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Yes we do," several insisted.

Artemis sighed, leaning back, "Do any of you know anything about The Fairy Thief?"

Kensuke's hand shot up, "The sixteenth painting in Pascal Hervé's Fairy Folk series. Stolen from the previous owners several times over, it became one of the biggest trophies a criminal could obtain, and only by stealing it from the previous owner. The one who steals it is said to be the greatest thief in the world. It was last stolen in 2002, and to ensure that they couldn't loose their title, the ones who stole it donated it to the Louvre Museum in Paris along with a note that said, More to follow. Since then, it is believed that the same person has stolen six more lost works of art and donated them so that everyone could see them."

"How do you know all this?" Shinji asked in surprise.

"History Channel," Kensuke answered.

"Very good, Mr. Aida," Artemis smiled. "When I was a boy, my interests were strictly criminal. I wanted to make sure that I was the best thief in the world. I succeeded, by stealing The Fairy Thief and donating it to the Louvre Museum, at the age of 14." Most of the class looked at him in shock. "Thankfully, since then, I have changed to criminal mastermind on the right side of the law, for the most part."

The class burst into laughter, and Artemis couldn't stop the phrase, I told you so, from running around in his brain. No one believed him. He paused, looking at their expressions. No one, except for maybe Rei Ayanami.

The lunch bell eventually rang, and Shinji and Rei stood in front of Artemis' desk. Artemis handed Shinji his paper, "I'm sorry, Shinji, but I cannot accept this essay until you talk to Major Katsuragi and ensure that revealing your status as a Pilot, as well as information about the Evangellion, is not classified. If it is, you will have to adjust your essay accordingly." Shinji nodded, feeling embarrassed that he didn't think of that. He took the paper and left the room for the cafeteria.

Artemis turned to Rei, "Why didn't you turn in an essay?"

She blinked in surprise, "I did."

"You turned in a fake," he scowled. "You chose a random topic, not something you are interested in. You should have realized from my story that I know how to spot a fake when I see it."

"Then, you did steal the painting?" Rei asked.

"I did," Artemis answered. "Since then, I have made sure that every criminal act I commit serves the rest of the world, much like a modern day Robbin Hood. As a result, the UN prefers not to bother about me. Now, why did you fake your essay?"

"I have no interests," Rei answered truthfully.

Artemis raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me? If I say you have an interest, you have an interest. All you have to do is find it." He handed her her paper. "I want you to think about this, with your heart and head. What interests you, Rei Ayanami?"

Rei nodded and left, feeling more confused than ever before. Artemis, meanwhile, opened up his cell phone and read the message that had been waiting for him.

Artemis Fowl the Second is appointed by the UN to be their official liaison to the organization known as NERV to ensure the security and well being of the Pilots and Staff, including, but not limited to, ensuring that there is no War Profiteering, ensuring that there is no Abuse of Power, and ensuring that there is no abuse to the Pilots. Effective: Immediately.

-Office of the UN Secretary of Defense Martin Butler

Thank you, old friend, Artemis Fowl smiled.