Season 3: The Spoof

Spoiler warning: The only reason this chapter even HAS a spoiler warning because I based it on some promo pictures I found on Alias Media. As far as I was aware at the time of writing it, it did not contain any actual dialogue from the episode.

Rating: This fic is rated PG13 (or T) because it contains the following curse words: asses, bitch, damned, hell, and whore. There is also a reference to a sexual encounter, but the act itself is NOT, repeat NOT shown, written, or elaborated on. Anyone who is old enough to read those things and still can't handle them needs to lighten up. Anyone NOT old enough to read those things needs to go read something else.

Reunion: The Spoof

Scene: CIA Joint Task Force conference room, seated at the crescent-shaped table in the following order from L-R are Weiss (at the end), Sydney, Dixon, Jack, empty seat, Vaughn, Lauren, Marshall (at the other end); Dixon is discussing the next op, in which some random doohickey will be retrieved, requiring knowledge of some random place Sydney's been before.

Note: Voice-overs are indicated by v.o and are printed in italics. Voice-overs are not heard by the other characters, only the audience. Stage direction appears in parenthesis.

Dixon: Once again, people, The Covenant has stolen some crap that one of our agents stored on an easily snatchable microchip instead of just e-mailing it to us.

Weiss: Dude, seriously, where do we get these losers?

Jack: Hell door.

(Everyone looks up at Jack in surprise. He sees their confusion and explains.)

Jack: Harvard Law Drop-Out Recruitment program.

Marshall: Are...are you serious? Who would ever develop such a moronic—I mean, Harvard is great and all, but—who'd be foolish enough to create such a stupid—

Jack: (cuts him off, speaks cooly but calmly) Arvin and I developed it in the seventies, when we were both still with the CIA.

Marshall: (embarrassed) ...sorry.

Jack: Don't be. The CIA should have dumped it by now.

Sydney: ANYway, now that we've established that, can we get back to the op?

Dixon: The latest intel says the Covenant is holding the doohickey at this house (Picture flashes across screens) in London. Sydney, I believe you remember this place?

Sydney: That used to be an SD-6 safe house. (Suspicious look on face) Where did we get this intel, Dixon?

Lauren: Arvin Sloane informed us this morning of the possible location. Given his credible, consistent knowledge of all things Covenant-related, I think it's safe to move on this.

Sydney: Whoa, wait just a minute there, Ms. Reed. Does it not strike you as odd that every time we have a Covenant problem, Sloane knows the answers before we even ask him the questions? V.O.: Nitwit.

Lauren: Your point being? V.O.: I SO got your man.

Sydney: V.O. You have trouble adding up two plus two, don't you? My POINT should be obvious, Little Bo Peep. Plainly, Sloane has some sort of connection to the Covenant that goes beyond merely "gathering intelligence."

Lauren: (crossing her bare legs under the table in defiance at Sydney) V.O.: Not only do I sleep with your boyfriend, I'm not wearing any knickers, and Michael and I had a nice little tryst this morning in some place he calls "the flirting corner." I hardly think YOU can be objective when it comes to Arvin Sloane. He's provided us with countless pieces of crucial--

Sydney: (cuts her off; notices the leg crossing and lack of panties) Don't give me that, you naive little skank! I was running ops to kill people and blow stuff up on Sloane's orders back when you were passing notes to your boyfriend in study hall! V.O.: Who LET you into the National Security Council? I wouldn't trust you with MALL security.

Vaughn: V.O.: I'm so turned on right now. Is that wrong? Um...

Lauren: (ignoring Vaughn) So I guess that would make YOU the terrorist, wouldn't it, Miss Know-It-All? V.O.: Whore.

Sydney: (beginning to get up and push her sleeves back) Why you little—

Dixon: Enough! Sydney, chill for just a minute. (Sydney sits back down.) And you, Ms. Reed. (Dixon fixes her with a glare.) What you don't seem to understand is that Sydney is my GIRL! (Beats chest twice with fist for emphasis.) Except for you, she's saved the lives of everyone in this room countless times. In fact, let's go around the room and talk about how she's saved our individual asses. (Looks at Weiss)

Weiss: (Dragging his eyes away from Lauren's legs) ...Yeah...uh...

(Sydney clears her throat. Jack sees what Weiss is staring at, then glares at Weiss disapprovingly.)

Weiss: (snaps to attention under the weight of the Glare) Right. Sydney saved my throat just two weeks ago from being slashed in that ambush in Paris.

(Sydney smiles.)

Dixon: She saved me in Aconcagua when K-Directorate shot me in the chest.

Lauren: (interrupting) K-who? V.O.: He's gotta be making this up.

Dixon: (rolls eyes and continues) As I was saying, there was also that time six years ago back with SD-6, when we were caught in that tiger trap in Da Nang. Not only did she get us out alive and uninjured, but she also took out all the FTL guards who'd tried to capture us, AND took every valuable piece of intelligence they had stored in their computers.

Lauren: FTL? Is that some sort of florist?

Jack: (Death-Glares at Lauren) In addition to getting me out of prison twice now (beams at Sydney), she also came to rescue me from Inini Hassan in Cuba, AND saved Dixon, Marshall, and myself from being blown up by the C-4 in the Credit Dauphine building—

Vaughn: Hey, I helped with that!

Jack: (glares him into silence, then continues) ...AND she saved me when Ariana Cain's hit squad tried to take me at that movie theater, AND she saved me from that German bastard who tried to electrocute me to death the night the Alliance was brought down. (Smiles almost imperceptibly at Sydney)

(Silence. Everyone stares at Vaughn, waiting for him to take his turn and say something.)

Lauren: Is there something you haven't told me, dear?

(Sydney looks at Vaughn as if he's betrayed her, then looks away. Jack, noticing this, Death-Glares Vaughn into speaking.)

Vaughn: (clears throat)…

Lauren: (clearly angry) Spit it out, bitch!

Vaughn: (upset by his wife's outburst, speaks more forcefully) She saved me from having my heart cut out by Khasinau, she infiltrated a lab and arranged a hit on Sloane to obtain the antidote to save me from Red Ball disease, and she stopped Sark from shooting me to death in that stairwell two years ago.

(Sydney looks down and smiles to herself. Lauren looks pissed.)

Lauren: Red Ball disease?! Am I supposed to take this crap seriously?

Vaughn: I was in a coma for forty hours, DEAR. Does that sound serious enough to you?

Marshall: (interrupting the tension) She also, um, you know, saved me from those guys at the symphony who tried to dart me, and that psycho dentist who tried to make me recreate that computer program. Yeah, you rock, Sydney! (smiles broadly at her)

Sydney: (smiles back) Thanks.

Dixon: So you see, Ms. Reed, we all have a history with Sydney Bristow that goes far beyond what you've imagined. In addition, she and her father are probably the only two people who know Sloane's deceptive capabilities better than I do. If either of them think they see a pattern of behavior in Sloane that indicates his current actions are questionable, I'm inclined to at least consider it.

Lauren: Hmph. (crosses her arms, sticks her nose in the air) V.O.: Favoritism.

Dixon: (sighs) On the other hand, we have no other intel to move on to retrieve this damn doohickey. I'm green-lighting the op.

(Lauren gets a triumphant look on her face. Sydney and Jack frown at her. Vaughn looks down at his hands. Weiss looks hungry, so he stares up Lauren's legs again to distract himself.)

Dixon: But...

(Lauren's triumphant look fades.)

Dixon: Since you think this intel is so safe to move on, Ms. Reed, you will be accompanying the team to retrieve the doohickey.

(Lauren gets look of sheer terror on her face. Sydney looks at Dixon as if wondering whether to throttle him or kiss him.)

Lauren: But I—

Dixon: (cuts her off) If things are as you say they are, then you have nothing to worry about. And if not—don't worry. Ms. Bristow will be there to save you. (smiles)

(Sydney smirks. Jack looks amused. Marshall starts to chuckle. Vaughn tries hard to stifle laughter. Lauren looks at Vaughn like he's going to pay for that when they get home. Weiss is still staring at Lauren's crotch. Dixon notices that.)

Dixon: Marshall will run op-tech with you this afternoon. Dismissed, people. (Everyone begins getting up to leave.) Oh, and Ms. Reed?

Lauren: (looking around at everyone awkwardly) Yes, Director Dixon?

Dixon: In the future, please wear SOMETHING under a skirt that short. I think it may be too much for Mr. Weiss to handle.

Lauren: (turns red) Y-yes, sir. (grabs Vaughn by the sleeve and tries to drag him out of the room)

(Jack and Sydney share an amused look, then leave. Marshall and Weiss look around for doughnut boxes. )