Rating: R for language and sexual innuedo
Summary: This was in response to a challenge on the [gilesnaughty] list. The only requirements were to use the line "We're here to save you from the tall, dark and naked man" and that the naked man in question should be Giles.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel characters are copyrighted ©20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB, and are used without permission. No copyright infringment is intended.
"We're coming, we're coming... Don't panic, be patient. We're coming..."
Buffy shook her head, trying to shake away the voices and Giles, who had been intending to kiss her on the lips, found himself investigating her ear instead. Not that he minded - Buffy had delicious, interesting ears - but that hadn't been the plan.
He lifted his head, a concerned expression crossing his face when he saw the frown on her face. "What is it, love?"
Buffy smiled up at him, and he was reminded yet again just how much he liked seeing her wearing only that smile, the one she reserved for him. And for moments like this. The two of them, naked in his bed, proving just how strong the bond between a Slayer and her Watcher could really be.
"What's wrong?" he asked again.
"Nothing," she insisted. "I just keep hearing these silly voices in my head. All sweet and tinkling and telling me they're coming to save me."
He rolled off her until he was lying beside her, and when he spoke again he voice was worried. "Do you think it's a prophecy?"
Buffy shook her hair firmly. "Nothing that sweet and nauseous could possibly be a protection against evil. Although," she added reflectively, "I suppose it could be the evil. I think I'm most in danger from gagging from the sugar overload."
"I changed the sheets this morning," Giles pointed out mildly. "Please try to make it to the bathroom."
She laughed, and rolled over so that now she was firmly settled on top of him. "Don't worry. I've got much better things I'd rather be doing right now."
And she proceeded to show him just how much better.
Just as Giles was about to slide himself home inside her, he found himself propelled off the bed by a force that was nothing short of cataclysmic. He crashed into the wall and slid down to the floor, winded and gasping for breath. Sure, they'd proved they could make the earth move, but they were just getting to that part, not passed it already. What the hell had just happened?
Buffy sat up abruptly, jerked from desire to fury by the sudden, clearly supernatural departure of her lover. "What the hell is going on?" she demanded in a voice that by rights should have been able to flay flesh and bone.
"We've come to save you," said a tinkling voice and Buffy looked up to see a trio of small, sparkling people hovering in mid-air and looking like they could only have escaped from a Disney movie.
"We've come to save you," they repeated in a chorus, their voices combining into a saccharine melody. "We're rescuing you from the tall, dark and naked man."
"Who says I need rescuing?" Buffy demanded in a dangerous voice.
If six-inch high cartoon-style fairies could look surprised, they looked surprised. "We're protection fairies," one of them answered, so astounded she forgot to tinkle and proved her voice wasn't that bad after all. "We were sent to rescue you. If you finish this, he'll lose his soul and a terrible evil will be loosed into the world."
"Excuse me." Giles had finally managed to get enough breath back to speak. "I have a soul, thank you very much. I have always had a soul, and I don't anticipate losing it any time soon."
The three fairies fluttered their wings enough to turn in mid-air to look at Giles. Then they looked at each other.
"Oh fuck!" said the second one distinctly. "That's the wrong tall, dark, naked man."
"You're two and a half years late," Buffy snapped crossly. "I've been there on the soul-losing thing. Been there and done that." She flashed Giles a smile. "I assure you, this is very much the right tall, dark and naked man. And," she added dangerously, "we're busy."
The third fairy was glaring at the other two. "I told you we should have checked the answering machine sooner. Now, look what you've made me do. I've interrupted these nice people at a most inconvenient time, and you know how I hate that." She fluttered over to give Giles a closer look. "And besides, two and a half years ago, he might have been free." She sighed. "I supposed you are taken now, aren't you?"
Giles flicked a glance in Buffy's direction and got a very dangerous glare in return. "Very taken," he agreed firmly.
"Hhmph," the fairy muttered. "They're hopeless you know," she confided in a clear, loud voice that was obviously meant to be overheard. "I don't know why I put up with them."
"Well, really..." the first fairy protested. "We were only trying to help."
"No help required," Buffy said firmly. "Now get out!"
The fairies fluttered a bit more. "We're going to have to write up a report, you know?" the second one said nervously.
"Yeah," number three said sarcastically. "The fuck-up fairies strike again."
"Giles," Buffy said in a low, dangerous voice, "Does staking work on fairies? I've got these nice, wooden hair-pins that I think would do a perfect job."
"I believe so," Giles agreed as gravely as he could, given he was trying not to collapse into gales of laughter. "I think that would be very effective actually."
The first two fairies shrieked and disappeared in a cascade of glitter dust. The third stuck around a little long.
"I really am sorry," she said seriously. "I hope you'll be very happy together. In fact," she added thoughtfully, "I think we owe you some kind of compensation. After all, we wouldn't want a lawsuit or anything." She raised one hand and blew across it, sending a light dusting of white powder drifting across Buffy and Giles. "Now I know you'll be happy," she said firmly, and then she too was gone.
Giles couldn't hold it in any more at that point. He begin to laugh, huge bellows of laughter that Buffy could actually see, rippling their way up his chest and shaking his shoulders before they spilled out of his mouth. "I've seen some strange things since I came here," he managed between gasps. "But that has to be the weirdest."
Buffy glared at him for a moment, then she too began to laugh. "I guess it was," she agreed. "But Rupert, do you think you could stop choking over there and come back to bed? We have something to finish."
Giles swallowed his laughter and struggled to his feet, more than happy to rejoin her on the bed. "Your wish is my command."
Buffy shook her head. "Wrong fairy tale, love. You mean And they lived happily ever after."