Disclaimer: I only own Jacobs original thoughts in this. I don't own any phrases taken from Breaking Dawn.
AN: so I was re-reading Breaking Dawn and I suddenly got the idea for this story, so I went with it and this is what was produced. Yes I do know this part of the book was already in Jacob's POV but I thought I change it a bit. So this is MY VERSION of what happened. It's a bit more.. emotional, dramatic, more Jacob-like I think. It would fit in around page 176 to page 184.
For a second I was just a kid – a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Compared to him I was just a child. I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more to ever understand the searing agony in Edward's eyes. But even then nothing would ever compare to the agony I saw there. Nothing could ever compare to the pain it caused him to see his wife be slowly killed from the inside out.
The pain it caused me to see Bella's life slowly ebb away was only a fraction, a microscopic fraction of the pain he was suffering. I never really gave Edward any credit for what he has had to endure during his existence; life isn't really the right word to use here isn't it?. I never really cared. But now, now I feel some sympathy towards the bloodsucker. You've gotta be pretty strong to not go insane underneath this agony.
I'm not sure how long he can cope. It's almost a physical pain for him. It's torture for him, and torture for everyone else to watch. Yes he does put on a mask so no one can see the real effects. It works for Bella, she can't see the pain she is causing him. But I can see through it. The rest of his family can see through it. They can see that he's cracking under the pressure of keeping up this charade.
He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. There was no relief from this mental pain for him. The only way to get rid off it was to hurt himself, to make his body hurt for what his mind couldn't withstand.
His black eyes burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren't there. His eyes were what scared me the most. Always so focused and calm, now crazed and out of control. He knew what this was doing to him, but he had no way to stop it. He had no way to tell Bella what this was doing to him without it hurting her even more. He would rather die all over again that hurt her. And that's exactly what might happen to him if he keeps this up much longer. People; vampires included; can only withstand pain for so long, and he's reaching the end of his threshold.
His mouth opened like he was going to scream but no sound came out. This image of him will be forever imprinted on my mind. His mouth will forever be open in a soundless scream and scare the living daylights out of me when ever my mind ventures near this memory again.
This were the face a man would have if he were burning at the stake. And that's exactly what this searing agony would feel like. Your heart burning inside your chest, no way to stop it, no way to cool it down. The only thing to do is endure it until it consumes you.
For a moment I couldn't speak, I couldn't think. It was too real, this face – I'd seen a shadow of it in the house. I'd only seen the diluted version, the slight slip of his calm facade. I'd seen it in her eyes and in his, but this made it final. The last nail in her coffin.
These thoughts must have been killing him, I tried to stop thinking it, I really did but I couldn't. I just had to voice my thoughts, make them exist in the silence surrounding us.
"It's killing her, right? She's dying." And I knew that when I said it that my face was a watered-down echo of his. Weaker, different, because I was still in shock. But even after the initial first shock my pain would never match his, and for this I was glad. I hadn't wrapped my head around it yet - it was happening too fast. He'd had time to get to this point – time he wished he never had to have lived through, in fact he wishes he had to have ever had to put up with this. I know this because I can see it in his eyes, his burning black eyes.
And it was different because I had already lost her so many times, so many ways, in my head. And different because she was never really mine to lose. And different because this wasn't my fault.
As if in answer to my thoughts Edward decided to speak.
"My fault," Edward whispered, his knees gave out. He crumpled in front of me, vulnerable, the easiest target you could imagine. It killed me to think that. No matter how much I hated him, no matter how much I had been wishing this moment would come, I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill him and I'm glad I didn't. But I felt as cold as snow – there was no fire in me.
"Yes," he groaned into the dirt, like he was confessing to the ground. "Yes, it's killing her."
His broken helplessness irritated me. I wanted a fight, not an execution. Where is his smug superiority now? Where is the smart comments, the cold glares? What happened to Edward? The Edward I knew wouldn't have been on the ground in front of me. But this Edward, it was almost like his soul had gone. His spirit. His personality. Everything was gone.
"So why hasn't Carlisle done anything?" I growled. "He's a doctor, right? Get it out of her." But even as I said it I knew it wasn't that simple. He would have tried everything he could to save her. Save is one true love. I would have done the same. I would do the same.
He looked up then and answered me in a tired voice. Like he was explaining this to kindergartener for the tenth time. I hated how he said it, but it wasn't such a big deal. I could start a fight later over something more worthy, like Bella's health for example. "She won't let us."
It took a minute for the words to sink in. Jeez, she was running true to form. Of course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella. Why couldn't she think about herself for once? She could be so stupid sometimes!
"You know her well," he whispered. I always knew how to read Bella, sometimes I wish I just.. didn't. "How quickly you see... I didn't see. Not in time. She wouldn't talk to me on the way home, not really. I thought she was frightened – that would be natural."
But so un-Bella-like.
"I thought she was angry with me for putting her through this, for endangering her life. Again. I never imagined what she was really thinking, what she was resolving."
I wouldn't have even considered she would have done something like that, so he shouldn't be beating himself up over it. But this is Edward we're talking about, he would still do it anyway.
"Not until my family met us at the airport and she ran straight into Rosalie's arms. Rosalie's!"
Yeah I heard you first time buddy. It doesn't get more believable the second time round. "And then I heard what Rosalie was thinking. I didn't understand until I heard that. Yet you understand after one second..." He half-sighed, half-groaned.
"Just back up a second. She won't let you." The sarcasm was acid on my tongue and it stung Edward. Well you can't blame me. I hate him, I have to be mean somehow. "Did you ever notice that she's exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-ten-pound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs."
Well that would be pushing it. I'm sure that if they had done that I would have tried to rip them to shreds for even considering it and here I am telling him to do just that. God, I'm such a hypocrite.
"I wanted to," he whispered. "Carlisle would have ..."
What, too noble were they?
"No. Not noble. Her body guard complicated things."
Oh. His story hadn't made much sense before, but it fit together now. So that's what Blondie was up to. What was in it for her, though? Did the beauty queen want Bella to die so bad? Did she really hate her that much?
"Maybe," he said. "Rosalie doesn't quite look at it that way."
Well of course she doesn't. She's thinking about herself, obviously she's gonna think she is right. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
"So take the blonde out first. Your kind can be put back together, right? Turn her into a jigsaw and take care of Bella." The Blondie jigsaw, now that would be a funny sight. If I was there I would probably hide a piece just to piss her off.
"Emmett and Esme are backing her up." Figures, if you can't do something get your bear of a boyfriend to back you up. "Emmett would never let us... and Carlisle won't help me with Esme against it..." He trailed off, his voice disappearing. You now, a few hours from now I wouldn't have minded his voice disappearing for ever; now, I'm not so sure.
"You should have left Bella with me."
It was a bit late for that, though. Maybe he should have thought about all of this before he knocked her up with the life-sucking monster. I admit that was a little harsh, but it's true. I may be cruel but I do tell the truth.
He stared up at me from inside his own personal heel, and I could see that he agreed with me.
"We didn't know," he said, the words as quiet as a breath. Thats the same excuse all teenage pregnancies come up with. 'We didn't know I would get pregnant, it just sorta happened.' He needs some better excuses.
"I never dreamed. There's never been anything like Bella and I before." Thats because it's not natural. "How could we know that a human was able to conceive a child with one of us -"
"When the human should get ripped to shreds in the process?" I finished bitterly.
"Yes," he agreed in a tense whisper. "They're out there, the sadistic ones, the incubus, then succubus. They exist. But seduction is merely a prelude to the feast. No one survives." He shook his head like the idea revolted him. Like he was any different. If it wasn't for him Bella wouldn't be in this mess. He's just as bad as the ones he is revolted by.
"I didn't realize they had a special name for what you are." I spit. They're all the same, no matter what you call them. They're all monsters.
He stared up at me with a face that looked a thousand years old. He probably was.
"Even you, Jacob Black, cannot hate me as much as I hate myself."
Wrong, I thought, too enraged to speak. I can't believe I felt sorry for him earlier. The stench or the shock must be getting to me.
"Killing me now doesn't save her," he said quietly. Yeah, but it sure as hell makes my life easier.
"So what does?"
"Jacob, you have to do something for me."
"The hell I do, parasite!" I can't believe he actually asked me that. Me, do something for him? He's out of his mind.
He kept staring at me with those half-tired, half-crazy eyes. Thats it, I'm not gonna be able to sleep at night anymore. "For her?"
I clenched me teeth together hard. That's hitting a bit below the belt. He knows I would do everything I can to save Bella, but theres nothing I can do. "I did everything I could to keep her away from you. Every single thing. It's too late." I hated saying that, but it was, there was nothing anybody could do to save her now.
"You know her, Jacob. You connect to her on a level that I don't even understand. You are a part of her, and she is a part of you." Your wrong now, pal. I gave up being a part of her a long time ago. "She won't listen to me, because she thinks I'm underestimating her. She thinks she's strong enough for this..." He chocked and then swallowed, "She might listen to you."
"Why would she?" She's stubborn she won't listen to anybody once she makes her mind up, I should know.
He lurched to his feet, his eyes burning brighter than before, wilder. I wondered if he was really going crazy. It would certainly explain somethings. Could vampires lose their minds? Cause I think he just did.
"Maybe," he answered my thought. "I don't know. It feels like it." He shook his head. "I have to try to hide this in front of her, because stress makes her more ill." More ill? It looked impossible for her to get worse. But whats impossible anymore? "She can't keep anything down as it is. I have to be composed; I can't make it harder. But that doesn't matter now. She has to listen to you!"
"I can't tell her anything you haven't. What do you want me to do? Tell her she's stupid? She probably already knows that. Tell her she's going to die? I bet she knows that, too."
"You can offer her what she wants."
Offer her what she wants? So am I to offer her Edward. 'Hey Bella, I know this is what you always wanted so here – I present upon you Edward Cullen.' He wasn't making any sense. Part of the crazy? Most definitely yes.
"I don't care about anything but keeping her alive," he said, suddenly focused now. "If it's a child she wants, she can have it. She can half a dozen babies. Anything she wants." He paused for one beat. "She can have puppies, if that's what it takes."
He met stare for a moment and his face was frenzied under the thin layer of control; not long until that slips and all hell breaks loose. My hard scowl crumbled as I processed his words, and I felt my mouth pop open in shock. P-p-puppies? PUPPIES? Was he serious?
"But not this way!." he hissed before I could recover. "Not this thing that's sucking the life from her while I stand there helpless! Watching her sicken and waste away. Seeing it hurting her." He sucked in a fast breath like someone had punched him in the gut. "You have to make her see reason, Jacob. She won't listen to me anymore. Rosalie's always there, feeding her insanity – encouraging her." Poisoning Bella's mind, plotting a way to kill her and steal the child, yeah yeah I already know this bit. "Protecting her." Yeah right! More like protecting that thing! "No, protecting it. Bella's life means nothing to her."
I already know this! I know that Blondie is trying to protect the thing, I know Bella's life means nothing to her. The noise coming from my throat sounded like I was choking.
What was he saying? That Bella should, what? Have a baby? With me? What? How? Well I know how, but you know what I mean. Was he giving her up? Of course not. Or did he think she wouldn't mind being shared? No matter how pleasant that sounds, I'm not sure Bella would be so keen on it.
"Whichever. Whatever keeps her alive."
"Thats the craziest thing you've said yet," I mumbled. And he's said some pretty crazy things.
"She loves you."
"Not enough." I know Bella and I know that she loves me, but like family.
"She's ready to die to have a child. Maybe she'd accept something less extreme." Yeah, and cliff diving wasn't extreme was it? Or the motorbikes? Or running off to Italy? Something less extreme isn't Bella's style.
"Don't you know her at all?"
"I know, I know. It's going to take a lot of convincing. That's why I need you. You know how she thinks. Make her see sense."
Make her see sense? What planet is he on? It certainly isn't Earth 'cause down here once Bella's mind is set on something you can't change it. I couldn't think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up.
I didn't want to consider it, didn't want to imagine, but the images came anyway. Even though I didn't want the images, I welcomed them anyway. I'd fantasized about Bella that way too many times; too many tears and scars associated with it; back when there was a possibility of us, and then long after it was clear that the fantasies would only leave festering sores because there was no possibility, none at all. I hadn't been able to help myself then. I couldn't stop myself now. Curiosity killed the cat, but what killed the dog? Images of another man's wife? Yeah that sounded about right. Bella in my arms, Bella sighing my name...
Worse still, and I didn't know it could get worse, this new image I'd never had before, one that by all right shouldn't have existed for me. Not yet, not now. An image I knew I wouldn't have suffered over for years if he hadn't shoved it in my head now. Trust a vampire to ruin things for me, thats all they've done my entire life and it looks like it's not going to stop anytime soon. But it stuck there, winding threads through my brain like a weed – poisonous and unkillable. Killing everything else until it's all thats left. Bella, healthy and glowing, so different than now, but something the same: her body, not distorted, changed in a more natural way. Round with my child.
He knew this would get to me. He knew this would brake me. He knew this image you bring me round to his idea. But it didn't I had resisted these images before and I could do it now, but it was oh so much harder this time around. I tried to escape the venomous weed in my mind. "Make Bella see sense? What universe do you live in?"
"At least try."
I shook my head fast. No. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I would never do that to Bella. That would be like taking away her free will, her choice and I can't do it! He waited, ignoring the negative answer because he could hear the conflict in my thoughts. The thoughts of Bella round with my child and the thoughts of taking away her decision.
"Where is the psycho crap coming from? Are you making this up as you go?" Is this some kind of sick joke? Pick on the werewolf? Or are you setting me up for 'You've been Punked'. Cause whatever it is I'm not buying it, even though I desperately want to.
"I've been thinking of nothing but ways to save her since I realized what she was planning to do. What she would die to do. But I didn't know how to contact you. I knew you wouldn't listen if I called. I would have come to find you soon, if you hadn't come today. But it's hard to leave her, even for a few minutes. Her condition... it changes so fast. The thing is ... growing. Swiftly. I can't be away from her now."
That thing. Thats all they call it. They can't not know what it is. Can't they? "What is it?"
And then he conformed my fear. "None of us have any idea. But it is stronger than she is. Already." I could suddenly see it then – see the swelling monster in my head, breaking her from the inside out. It was slowly killing the love of my life, but she wouldn't let us help. She loved it too much to save herself.
"Help me stop it," he whispered. "Help me stop this thing from happening."
As much as I wanted to – and I really wanted to, I really wanted to take him up on his offer of sharing Bella, I really wanted to save her – but I couldn't. I didn't know how. "How? By offering my stud services?" He didn't even flinch when I said that he was so desperate to fix this, but I did. "You're really sick. She'll never listen to this." But god I wanted her to so badly.
"Try. There's nothing to lose now. How will it hurt?"
'There's nothing to lose'? Yeah right, nothing but my self respect. But that was dwindling quicker every minute. 'How will it hurt'? It would hurt me. Hadn't I taken enough rejection from Bella without this? Apparently not.
"A little pain to save her? Is it such a high cost?" No it's not, but would it really be worth it? To kid on to myself that I have a chance, that I could make her happy and then have my world crash and burn around me again? No I guess it's not such a high cost as long as it saves her.
"But it won't work."
"Maybe not. Maybe it will confuse her, though. Maybe she'll falter in her resolve. One moment of doubt is all I need."
That was seriously messed up. I mean what's he gonna do? Offer her a child with me and then what? Go along with it or wait until she has got rid of the child and then tell her it was a joke?
"And then you pull the rug out from under the offer? 'Just kidding, Bella'?" Got I hope he says no, I really do. But.. I also don't. I want her to be happy and she's not happy with me.
"If she wants a child, that's what she gets. I won't rescind."
I couldn't believe I was even thinking about this. No, that's a lie I could believe it I just didn't want to. Bella would punch me – not that I cared about that, but it would probably breach her hand again and then Edward would kill me or at least try to. I shouldn't let him talk to me, mess with my head. I should just kill him right now. But what would that prove? That I picked on weak targets? I couldn't honor a fight. No I wouldn't do that no matter how much I wanted him to suffer.
"Not now," he whispered. "Not yet. Right or wrong, it would destroy her, and you know it." Yeah yeah tell me something I don't know, but still it doesn't hurt to fantasize (well I already proved myself wrong with that statement, so shoot me, whats a guy to do?) "No need to be hasty. If she won't listen to you, you'll get your chance. The moment Bella's heart stops beating, I'll be begging for you to kill me."
Yeah and I'll be oh so happy to be of service when the time comes. You can count on my to always be willing to fulfill that promise. "You won't have to beg long."
The hint of a worn smile tugged at the corner or his mouth. There he is, there's the Edward I know. "I'm very much counting on that."
"Then we have a deal." Somehow I knew this was a bad idea, but I was desperate, oh so desperate for a chance just one chance to make Bella see sense.
He nodded and held out his cold stone hand.
No way! He didn't expect me to... to touch him did he? Obviously he did. Internally cringing I decided to do it. Swallowing my disgust, I reached out to take his hand. My fingers closed around the rock, and I shook it once. One small step for Jacob, one big step for werewolf kind, I sniggered internally.
"We have a deal," he agreed. And with that I sealed my fate. My life changed and would never be the same. Sometimes I wish I had just kept my big mouth shut, but thats never gonna happen. I just wished things could go back to normal. No werewolves. No vampires. Just normal Jacob and my normal Bella. But that's not gonna happen either.
AN: So what do you think? This is possibly the longest thing I have ever written. So I hope you enjoyed it. You guys know what to do. Press that purple button and review (: