Hey all! Sorry i did not get a chance to write for One Dreams of Revenge or Stand Up to the Night tonight. I got wrapped up in writing this story so i had no time. Anyway, i hope you guys like it. R&R if you like. Happy Readings!
So I sit here. And I stare at the bottle of Jack Daniels that is slowly wasting away before my eyes. The drugs I had taken earlier are starting to lose their kick and I'm starting to feel that pain again. That stabbing, disgusting, irritating pain that I've felt from the moment she walked out of my life.
I hate her.
I've decided that I hate her.
If it wasn't for her, I would be drunk, high and having sex right now with one, two, maybe even three women. Instead I'm alone in this God forsaken room, drinking alone, sleeping with no one. I've grown comfortably numb in the past few days. I drink, get high, drink, get high and try to masturbate. Not even that will work. The bitch broke me. And for that I hate her more.
Chuck Bass is nothing if not at the very least a stud. Now I can't even fuck myself. It's not that I don't attract women anymore, it's not that I don't find them attractive, it's just that they're not her. My hand is definitely not her.
Her soft skin.
Her brown, silky, curly hair.
Her cherry, plump lips.
Her body. A woman's body.
Damn her to hell!
The knock at my door interrupts my dark thoughts. It's a good thing too because I'm running out of liquor, and thinking about Blair without any liquor handy is not a good idea.
I drag my bare feet to the door. Plopping against the door in order to hold my weight, I peep through the hole and see my dear Nathaniel on the other side. I mentally groan to myself.
Things with Nathaniel were on par with how thing's with Blair were. Well not as bad, but still. It's as if we'd lost touch. We didn't talk, didn't hang out. We were still friends because that was all we knew how to be, but we were friends only in name.
I open the door slowly and attempt to smile, though it never quite reaches my face.
"Nathaniel, what a surprise," I lazily drawl as I try to keep my balance as I walk drunkenly to the couch.
I can hear Nate's sound of disapproval as he closes the door behind him and steps inside my suite.
"Chuck. What the hell are you doing, man? I've been trying to reach you. You come to school drunk, leave school high, you spend your nights out of the public eye which is more than unusual. I'm starting to worry," Nate says as he takes the seat next to me.
I stare at him with blank eyes. What the fuck was he doing here? If he didn't need money, there really wasn't any reason for him to be here. Nate and I had lost touch since before the summer. Before he started his love affair with Mrs. Robinson/Lady Catherine. And now he wanted to pretend he was concerned?
Clearing my throat I downed the last few drops in my bottle and dropped the bottle on the rug. Nate just stared at me.
"You know, Nate, I'm glad you're worried but I'm fine. Really. I don't need you checking up on me."
"Listen, Chuck, I'm sorry I haven't been here for you lately, but I'm here now. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong," Nate says as concern flashes across his eyes.
"What's wrong?" I say with a non comical laugh. "Isn't that the million dollar question. Life's wrong. That's what's wrong. Everything is fucked up. That's what's wrong. Things have reached a point where even I can't fix them. That's what's wrong." I stand and walk over to the bed. I throw myself on my stomach trying to block Nathaniel out. Hoping that he'll catch on and just leave me alone. Of course he doesn't. Nate never had much common sense.
"Is this about Blair?" Nate asks. And that's the final straw.
Sitting up as quickly as my spinning head allows, I glare at him angrily.
"No! This is not about that bitch! Nothing is about her anymore! Just get out!"
Nate looks at me with eyes full of pity. I decide then and there that I hate him too. I don't need his pity. I don't need anyone's pity. Especially not Nathaniel Archibald's. Especially Nathaniel Archibald's who so stupidly believed that my issues were because of Blair. Fuck Blair. And fuck Nate too!
"Fine!" Nate shouts back. "I'll go. But Blair did what she had to do. You didn't deserve her after what you did to her. Neither of us do. That's the thing, Chuck. You and me, we're not good enough for her. Never were. Never will be."
He walks out of the room and leaves me alone once again. The night falls and I remain sitting on my bed. Finally, looking up, I catch my reflection in the mirror. And for the first time something happens.
I begin to cry.
It is a few weeks later. Bart and Lily have deployed an intervention. My room has been cleared of all alcoholic beverages. And so now I must go out and find drinks. I'm at The Palace bar, having a bite to eat because apparently Bart has told the staff not to serve me alcohol. I decide to stay until 9PM, when the bartender switches shift with my guy. He always serves me. I can rely on his loyalty.
As I play with the lobster cocktail, I feel a shift in the room. I know immediately why that is. She's here. I can feel her. Dammit I can already smell her. And if I try hard enough, I can even taste her.
I turn my eyes slowly, so as to not draw any attention to myself. She's being seated by the waiter with Serena by her side. Stupid bitches. They were always fighting. Always having some friendship-ending argument and then they were back together. They were like moths to the flame. I hate them both.
My gaze lingered on the two beautiful women. Serena was that ethereal beauty, the naughty vixen, the Greek goddess. Blair was a classic beauty. Classy, sexy, untouched. Only I knew the fire that burned beneath her tightly held facade. All the characteristics that Serena wore on her sleeve, Blair possessed on the inside, beneath all the layers, and that made her even more beautiful, even more dangerous.
She spotted me then. Serena's phone had rung and Blair turned her eyes directly in my direction. It's as if she had been sensing me all along, but was refraining from acknowledging my presence. She excused herself from the table, while Serena was not really paying much attention as she was engrossed in conversation with whoever had called her.
She began making her way towards me. My breath caught in my chest. I cursed myself. Stop acting like a lovesick school boy. She means nothing. Nothing! Nothing to you!
"Bass." That was all she said to me and my heart still pumped crazily. I swore she could hear the incessant drumming.
"Waldorf," I said back, trying to keep the quiver from my voice. I didn't understand why I was responding this way.
"Finally off the bottle and back into living, functioning society I see," she smiled sweetly. Too sweetly. In that, I'm-Blair-Waldorf-and-I'm-being-a-bitch-to-you smile.
"Yes. I'm glad to see you noticed I was gone," I responded back. I could always verbally spar with the greatest, and Blair Waldorf was certainly on the top of that list.
"Eh. Well when the society misses began sniffing around the good men in our social circle I realized you weren't around entertaining them." Still that smile.
"Oh, and were you looking to be entertained tonight?" I asked. I'm Chuck Bass. I can be as much an asshole as she can be a bitch.
Blair frowned. Perfect. Just the reaction I wanted. That wiped the self satisfied smile off her face. "Not tonight. But thanks for the offer. I actually have others on the table as we speak, so I'm weighing my options," she said smugly as she turned to walk away.
I don't honestly know what possessed me but I reached out and grabbed her arm. She looked down at my hand against her skin. She felt it. I felt it. That burning, searing electricity that coursed through us at even the slightest contact of our skin. She looked up into my eyes. Her expression was one of hurt, pain, confusion. I'm pretty sure mine read the same way.
"Goodnight, Blair." It was all I could say.
Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. I avoided her. I don't know why I did, but I did. She was no good to my senses. She was determined to let me go, to keep me out, shut me out. And so I decided to do the same.
Nate and I had resumed our friendship. It was like she told me a long time ago, Nate and I, we were friends out of habit. Nothing else. But it was good to at least have one person to talk to. He broke the news to me one day. I didn't want to hear it, didn't want to accept it, but I knew that one day, sooner or later, that news would come.
She was dating someone.
Blair Waldorf had moved on.
And it wasn't a make me jealous move. She was actually involved with another person because she wanted to be with him.
That same pain I'd felt months ago came crashing back down on me. But this time I did not give in to the bottle.
It wasn't that I was reformed and rehabilitated. I still drank, I still got drunk. I still smoked, I still got high. But it was for recreational purposes, no longer to drown my sorrows of the horror that was Chuck-and-Blair.
Nate actually cringed as he broke the news to me. I suppose he expected the worse. I guess I surprised him by smiling. I actually smiled.
"That's good for her. I hope he makes her happy."
It was understood between us. Happy. What neither of us were capable of making her. Nathaniel simply nodded along.
I walked away from lunch that afternoon with a new emptiness inside. It was over. What we had was actually over. Nothing had really transpired between us in months. But still I felt that the opportunity was there. That maybe at one point down the line we would find each other again. Apparently, it wasn't meant to be.
We saw each other at school. She came over to my house to see Serena. At times she'd bring her new knight, Chad Bostick. Even his name made me gag. But I played nice. Especially when forced to sit and dine with them. One look from Bart was all I needed to know that decorum was expected.
I hated those awkward dinners. I hated bumping into them at school. As luck would have it, I'd always catch them making out in the hallways. He even had Serena wrapped around his finger. I saw the way Blair eyed him closely whenever Serena was around. Apparently she was still nervous having Serena around her beau's.
As time passed, we began talking again. It wasn't as close a relationship as we use to have, but it was enough. It was like a drug I had gone long without and now I was finally getting the fix I needed.
I decided that I no longer hated her. I guess I had actually hated myself all along. Hated myself for letting her slip away. Now I knew that I had loved her. She was the only woman I had ever loved. I had stupidly ruin it all. And she was probably the only person I'd ever love again, which made the matter that much worse. But she was my friend now. And I suppose that would have to do.
It was as if things had done a complete 360 for us all. We were back to being the 4 Musketeers. Yes we knew that there were really three, but hell we were rich and spoiled and if we needed to rewrite history we would, just so the story would match our group accordingly.
Serena, Nate, Blair, and Chuck. Yes we were together again and stronger than ever in a way. We had each resurfaced from so much pain and humiliation that we had done to each other. And yet we stayed friends. That seemed to tighten the bonds between us. Nate and Serena had let things go. Nate no longer fawned over what was unattainable and they were actually the closest of the four of us. It bothered Jenny, who was now dating Nate, but hell there would always be something special between those two. Maybe at some point during the future they would stop denying it to themselves and get together once and for all. But for now they acted like brother and sister, even more than me and Serena. Blair had gotten over the whole Nate cheating on her with Serena ordeal. She even joked about it from time to time. She also said she'd forgiven me, which I don't totally believe her in, but I just take her word for it. I still catch her staring at me sometimes, lost in thought. When she notices that I am watching her, she turns away quickly. I wonder what goes through her mine. I wonder if she could read mine.
I allowed myself to enjoy the comfort our bond gave me. The four of us were together again. I convinced myself it was enough for me.
I was up late one night. The rain was pouring outside, giving New York City a much needed break from the blistering heat. We were approaching the end of our senior year. In a week we would all be college bound. Or at least after the final summer vacation in the city.
I glanced through my yearbook. It was funny how sentimental I had become lately. I would reminisce and actually catch myself crying as I sat in silence watching the interaction amongst my friends. Luckily, I had yet to be caught.
I flipped through the pages of the yearbook and caught a picture of Blair and Chad. She was leaning her head on his shoulder and he was pressing a kiss on her head. She looked beautiful. But she was in the wrong arms. Sighing I threw the book across the darkened bedroom.
Damn it! Even after all this time, I wasn't over her. Not even close. If anything the love I felt for her so long ago had grown. It had grown along with our growing friendship. Being let back in to her life had made me fall captivated to her charm all over again. I missed her. Which was ridiculous since I saw her and spoke to her and hung out with her everyday. But I missed what her and I use to have. That special intimacy we shared. Not simply because of the physical aspect, but that mental and emotional connection we'd found only with each other. I often wondered if she felt the same with Chad.
There was a time that she had confessed to me that what she felt while she was with me was so much greater than what she felt when she was with Nate. That admission was huge coming from her. Now I couldn't help but wonder if Chad made her feel more than what she felt with me.
I walked over to the bar determined to drink myself to sleep. I couldn't stand the idea of Blair loving that guy more than she ever loved me. Which she had. No matter how much she denied it and fought it. I know she loved me. Long ago, she loved me like no other and I'd been more than a asshole. I'd been a Basshole.
Reaching the bar I reached for a bottle of rum when I heard a small, tentative knock on my door. My hand stilled in mid air. Looking at the clock it read 323AM. Who the hell is knocking at this hour? I put the bottle back in its place and walked over to the door. I looked through the peephole, half expecting to find a drunken Nate or Serena wanting to sleep off their inebriated state so that their parents wouldn't notice. It had become custom with us ever since we'd reestablished our friendship. But it wasn't Nathaniel. And it sure as heck wasn't Serena. I could only make out the top of a brown mop of curls. There was only one person it could be. Blair. But what the heck is she doing here?
"Chuck...open the door please." Her voice sounded small and sad. She'd been crying.
I pulled open the door, and she rushed in in a mist of Chanel perfume and wet clothes.
"Blair. What's wrong? What are you doing here at this ungodly hour?" I asked nervously. Blair never paid me a visit to my suite. Especially not at night. Or mid morning as in this case. At least not in the past year or so.
"Chuck..." It was all she voiced before her voice broke and she broke into sobs.
"Oh, Blair. Blair what happened?" I asked as I closed the gap between us and held her gently against me. It didn't matter that she was soaked to the bone and that she was getting me all wet. It didn't matter at all. All I could think of was the feel of her in my arms once again.
"Chuck. I...I...I broke up with him," she cried into my shoulder.
My hands stilled against her back. She wanted comfort after her breakup? Damn it. Just my luck.
"Don't cry, Blair. Tell me what happened?" I asked trying to calm her down.
"Chuck. I couldn't do it anymore. Chad's a great guy, but I just didn't love him."
"Blair, you've been going out with the guy for months. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"There was no change of heart. That's the problem, Chuck," Blair said as she looked up into my eyes.
Those eyes. Those eyes drove me crazy. I loved looking into her eyes and reaching into her soul. Her eyes showed and told me everything her mouth could not.
"So..." I said confused.
"Chuck, Chad wasn't for me. I mean I like him a lot, but it just wasn't meant to be."
How many times hadn't I heard those very words? Poor bastard. I could only imagine the pain Chad was going through.
"So then why are you crying? If you wanted to break up with him, then..." I trailed off.
"I'm not crying because I'm sad, silly. I'm crying because I'm relieved."
Those words again. The same words she'd told him that night in Victrola. That seemed like so long ago now. The night that they're life had changed so much.
"Well then I'm glad, Blair." I leaned back, but her arms refused to let go.
"You should be," she said as she smiled up at me. There was something about the way she looked at me. Something so familiar. Something so intimate.
"Chuck...I love you."
The room spun. My heart stopped. My breath ceased.
I felt faint. A warm heat rushed through my body. I was speechless. I, Charles Bartholomew Bass, was speechless. I had no words. I always had a smart comeback. Always. But the woman standing before me had just sucker punched me in the stomach.
"Chuck!" Blair exclaimed trying to gain a reaction from me. What could I say?
"Chuck! Did you hear me you idiot? I love you!" Blair grabbed my face in her small hands and forced my eyes to meet hers.
"Yes I know. It shocked me too. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. With school almost done, graduation right around the corner, all of us going our own separate ways. I realized what I'd be missing if I didn't tell you. I mean I've known for so long that I love you. But I just thought that if I ignored it it'd go away. But I can't. I can't keep lying to myself."
I looked at her. My heart began to beat again. Blair Waldorf was speaking the words I so longed to hear.
"Chuck! Can you say something, please?"
"I...I love you!" I shouted, catching her by surprise, causing a squeal to escape her throat. "Blair Waldorf, I am so in love with you it hurts. I've been fighting this feeling for so long now. If I had known that you still wanted me, I wouldn't have let so much time go by. I love you. I love you. I love you." I pulled her into my arms and carried her as I spun around.
She giggled. Blair Cornelia Waldorf was giggling. In my arms. Because of me.
"Chuck, I don't want to mess this up again," she whispered into my ear as I set her on her feet.
"Blair, you can't ever get rid of me again. No matter how much you try. So run now if you can't handle that."
She scoffed. Playfully indignant. "Chuck, there's nothing of yours I can't handle."
And we kissed.