Disclaimer: Um, yeah, no.
I felt bad leaving it at that. I really did.
Is this what you really want?
I don't have a choice.
You chose to do what you did.
Yes. I took the choice away from him, too. How awful. I deserve this.
Do you? He's right; you were a nice person. You're not evil.
Look at what I did! And then I had to keep my guilt from him, too – just because I didn't want him to blame me when he failed.
Fail, I know. It doesn't change what I did.
Hurt him even more by separating yourself from him and making him lose hope in your last moments together?
See?! I hurt him AGAIN!
Don't you want to redeem yourself, then?
Is there any point? I'm going to Hell, aren't I…
As of now, yes.
Well, then… and even if he does terrible things in life to be with me later, it will still be my fault…
But it's not too late.
Too late? Of course it's too late! I'm dead!
Weren't you the one who decided to believe he'd come back to everyone?
…Yes… and he did, because he's that kind of person.
Why can't you believe the same for yourself?
Because I'm not that kind of person. I wanted to protect him, and I did that. He's alive, and he saved everyone, and I'm happy, that's what I lived for, he's all right and he's going to be happy. They'll all be happy.
Without you? How can you believe something as stupid and naïve as that and not even think that you can redeem yourself?
…Thinking that he'll be happy makes me happier.
You're dead. How can you be happy?
I don't know; that's a very good question.
But you're happy.
No, I – well, maybe I am. Not at being dead, but when I think that he'll have a long, happy life.
So you can't be dead!
I didn't mean that!
Then what did you mean?
…Look, I can barely remember who I am any more! Everything faded, and now I'm talking to myself, only this voice sounds like – ah! I just realized! You sound like Lavi!
Ha. That's so cool.
Umm, this isn't really cheering me up this time…
…Don't you remember? You tried to make me stop crying when we thought Allen-kun was dead. Wait… no, you tried to make me happier and I ended up crying. Haha. Everyone was so angry at you…
I'm not Lavi.
Of course you wouldn't admit it after I remembered that.
I thought you didn't remember who you are?
I-I don't! I just remember that.
Well, I'm not Lavi. I'm your memory of him.
You know how this works! You're remembering that moment of comfort in your life, except it really isn't a comfort because you're not prepared to be here this time.
I am prepared! Really!
Then why are you remembering a moment when you were sad and alone instead of warm and happy?
Why would a dead person want to remember that? Do they?
Shouldn't you know? You thought of Komui before.
…I was dead then?! Oh…
Is it possible to disintegrate into nothing and not be dead?
That happened?! That's sort of scary…
…well, anyways, you still have hope.
I don't. I'm dead, and Allen-kun will be happy without me.
He won't, and you know it. He wants you with him, and you know that.
There's no use in thinking about it. It won't happen!
Because he's so pure and wonderful and I'm… I'm…
God loves him?
Right! That's exactly it!
Uh, that's actually a term for all the Exorcists…
So God pretends to love all of us but just loves him! Okay. Well, he's very cute, and kind, and considerate, and hard-working, and loyal, and amazingly, incredibly caring, and understanding, and good in bed right from the start. Why wouldn't God love him?
Wouldn't God want the ones God loves to be happy?
…Yeah, that makes sense…
So just open your eyes already.
You're so mean. Hey, if this works, can I see Allen-kun the next time I die?
But you'll be with him, right?
…I think I'd really like that.
The first thing Lenalee felt, even before the memories, knowledge, and feeling of intense pain rushed into her mind was the feeling of a wonderful, familiar warmth surrounding her and the contrasting coolness on her cheeks.
Who…? What's going on…?
"…please wake up, Lenalee, just open your eyes, they'll be here soon, it will be okay, I promise…"
I want to protect you. Those words floated up from the dark abyss of nothingness that surrounded her. Somehow, she knew she'd broken that promise.
"I need you…" He'd gone back to pleading, as if losing her warm grip, the proof that she was still there if even for just one more moment, had pulled reality out of his grasp once more. Or had he simply refused to accept it, sacrificing his sanity instead? At that moment, he was like the innocent child she knew he was, one who was slowly being tainted with the blood that covered his hands and stained his coat, corrupting him with the unmistakable feeling of understanding and loss that must be accepted for one to keep one's proper state of mind.
He was innocent, still innocent, but her death would…
Does that mean… at that time… I didn't…?
At that moment, her abdomen – she had an abdomen! She was able to have things! – exploded in pain. Reflexively, Lenalee gasped, clutching weakly at whatever pieces of fabric or body was nearest yet lacking the strength to do anything more than flex her fingers against it. The warmth around her that had previously been trembling, a warmth close enough for her to feel muscles beneath two layers of fabric, stilled. Even the panicked breath at her ear halted momentarily as she writhed feebly.
It hurts… oh God, please stop this, end my suffering- Yet somehow she knew that her desperate, thoughtless cries would never be answered, just as so many had not been answered before. This time, that peaceful emptiness would not come.
"Lenalee?" came the soft whisper, one that made her heart clench with love even as it struggled to maintain even the slowest of rhythms. "Lenalee, is that…"
"Allen…kun…" The name rolled off her lips a moment before she realized it was Allen holding her, that she was being held at all. Allen-kun, her friend, her lover, her world.
"Lenalee?!" His arms tightened around her as he pulled back to see her face, violet eyes trembling with pain and love. "Lenalee…" he breathed in joyful disbelief, "you're really…"
Yet this was a different Allen – this was a mature adult who understood and accepted death, and who had already begun to grieve, yet with enough innocence – or was it simple gratitude, brought on by love? – to accept a welcomed contradiction. What she could see of his expression through tear-filled, half-opened eyes displayed this state perfectly.
His was the innocence of one pure at heart, one completely incorruptible, yet with a wisdom and acceptance that reached beyond anything a child could ever feel.
I didn't taint you… I… What did I do, Allen-kun, to be able to see such a beautiful side of you?
"Allen-kun…" She winced at the pain shooting through her body, more intense than ever now that there was no numbness to dull the feeling. Even so, it was proof that she was alive. "I was wrong…"
"What?" Allen squeezed her hand tightly and brought it up to his cheek, as it had been during their earlier conversation. This time, though, the feeling associated with it was not anxiety, not regret, but gratitude and hope. "Lenalee, you don't have to speak! This time… you'll be all right, won't you? Please don't leave… I don't think I could stand it…"
"Lenalee?!" His grip tightened around her hand and body. "Lenalee, I can't lose you again, not when you've come back like this-"
"I made a mistake, Allen-kun."
"You didn't; I told you, I'll never leave you! I don't-"
"I won't see you become an adult…"
"Lenalee!" His harsh cry was layered with raw emotion and desperation, confirming her new understanding: her death, not her love, would break him. But she already knew that.
"…because you already are one."
Allen stilled, already shed tears falling off his barely quivering cheeks.
"I can't agree with that, Lenalee," he whispered, a faint smile touching the corners of his lips – the first she'd seen since before the battle. "If I do, where's your reason to stay?"
Lenalee smiled back, the pain of her wound finally beginning to ebb away.
"To see you grow old by my side," she whispered.
The sound of Allen's joyful sobs drowned out the sound of approaching footsteps, it was not until the comforting warmth of his embrace was snatched away from her and the ground fell out from beneath her that she became aware of the presence of others. When she was pulled away from the spike, the intense pain returned as the blood gushed from her wound and she could not hold back her wail. Yet always, Allen kept her hand in his.
Even as they brought her through the crowds of worried allies, over the mounds of corpses and around the wreckage and debris, Allen never let go of her.
He was her world, and she was his, and neither could ever be truly happy nor complete without the other.
And it was Lenalee who sustained the true purity in Allen's heart.
A/N: I know the conversation bit is terribly OOC. I'm sorry. I changed bits of it to make it sound more like Lenalee, but I couldn't fix the content. It was also because I loved it so much that I continued writing this ending. Sorry for the shortness too, but it is just the ending!
Please review with your constructive criticism!