1. Hollywood Died
"Come home when you can."
Sam's last words echoed through my mind as I raced to get father away from the life I was hoping to leave behind—over the soft, damp leaves that covered the hard and cold, yet yielding ground. I half hoped that it would stop raining, but it didn't matter. The rain reminded me that I wasn't the only miserable one.
I was glad that it was Sam who led us. He was a good leader for everyone. He understood what each of us was going through; what it felt like to want to run from the one you loved the most and never look back. Never return. Never feel again.
I knew I was upset and depressed about the whole thing, but I also knew that I would be able to get passed that. I was gone. I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I could barely hold onto a thought. My mind felt like it was flying behind me, left behind in the forest, struggling to keep up and hold on. I wanted to reach back for it and leave it behind all in one moment. I wanted to curl up in an abandoned cave and forget all about Bella and the last couple of years so I wouldn't worry anymore or overthink. I needed to stop caring.
They had hurt me. Both of them. Bella and Edward. And the worst thing was they knew they had. Bella had even half-heartedly tried to make it right, but there wasn't anything she was willing to give that I was willing to accept. I was trying to leave them behind and move on with my life. There was no point keeping any feelings alive for her.
I knew I had to pull myself out of this black hole. I would never choose to give myself up to it. I couldn't fall down there. It would lead me down a road I couldn't afford to be down. I watched Sam fight his way out and I didn't want to hurt anyone with my actions. I had to stop this and I was alone. I had to do it myself. There was no other way. I had no 'Jacob' to do it for me like Bella had. No emotional support or protection. There was no medication for me.
I slowed my running to a gentle pace and tried to relax. My heart was racing and my paws were beginning to hurt. I wasn't used to all the exertion.
I could hear the sound of running water to my left, but it was a small, faint sound. It was probably only a small stream, but it would be enough to keep me hydrated. It had recently stopped raining and the smell still lingered in the air and in the leaves around me. I stood still for a moment, expanding my mind to the forest. I could hear every sound that echoed around me. The way the drops of water fell from the tips of the leaves and hit the soaked and swollen dirt below my feet.
After a few minutes of attempting and failing to calm down, I tried to remember Sam's advice. He and Emily had always told us that if we were ever upset, it was best to talk it out with a third party. Who was I kidding. Emily would know that I would be hiding in the trees somewhere. She was too insightful that way. She'd also said that if I was—
I froze instantly. I remembered her offer and immediately turned around and started heading back to the reservation. Maybe I wouldn't have to do this myself. She was giving me a lifeline.
I would find my own 'Jacob'.
I would find my medicine.
And I would do it on my own. One step at a time.