Title: Wedding Belle…
Disclaimer: If I owned Detective Conan, I wouldn't be broke right now and I'd be able to speak Japanese. However, I am, and I can't, so don't look at me! I just borrowed these guys and made them do my evil bidding.
Summary: In a bridal store, Heiji seeks a way out, Conan seeks ways to amuse himself (at the expense of Heiji), and the Cotton Candy Monstrosity Bridesmaid Dress of Doom seeks ways to eat Kazuha (or so Heiji wishes) – H&K Friendship Fluff on Crack
Author's Notes: I got the basic idea from this from the movie "Made of Honor." Actually, all I really got was a mental image that sent me into fits of giggles, and kept giggling sporadically over the next couple of days because of it… So I decided to get it out of my system. And apparently, the local Wafflehouse™ at 2am is an excellent place to write fanfic, especially when you're alone :-D Again, no Beta (I should find one of those... I are am not at grammar goodly at very :P But meh, lazybones. -points at self-), and also again, thanks to my Sel who suggested the title after yet another vague summary, and for answering many random questions.
If there was one thing that men universally feared and loathed, it would be bridal stores. Especially if the men were in no way getting married, thinking about getting hitched, or even participating in said 'blessed event.'
So what, do you ask, was Hattori Heiji doing in a western style bridal store one late afternoon in Tokyo? Well, his childhood friend (and general pain in his rear-end) had been asked by a random cousin who was probably three times removed on her great-uncle's side to be a bridesmaid in a wedding that wasn't even supposed to happen for a couple more months. Apparently, though, it was a good idea to get the dresses out of the way as soon as possible, or so Kazuha had yelled loudly in his ear when he had complained about her purposefully setting this up during a time when he was going to be visiting Tokyo anyway.
It wasn't his fault the Groom and Bride-to-be both lived in Tokyo…
Fortunately for his sanity, Kazuha had asked if Ran could join the little wedding preparation entourage. And of course, wherever Ran went, Kudo went as well. Especially since Mouri had decided to spend the day out of the detective agency and couldn't be bothered to watch the little squirt. (This was probably a good idea on Mouri's part, since the places he was likely to frequent weren't exactly children-shaped-people friendly.) Now, while the ratio of women to men was still quite astronomical – six-to-one, to be exact – it was still a great deal better than being there by himself in a sea of giddy women. (Of course, Heiji had had nothing to do with getting Ran or Kudo there, even if he did remind Kazuha – several times, in fact – that his idea of giving advice consisted of "You look like a girl, for once" and "Is the fabric supposed to be that tight around the middle? Maybe you should cut out on those sweets.")
At the moment, the Bride-to-be was trying on Dress Number Three-Hundred-and-Fifteen (seriously, how the heck did they fit so many of those over-sized, poofy dresses into one teeny tiny store?) while the bridesmaids were getting their own dresses fitted and hemmed and… other sewy stuff.
Not that he would ever admit it to his childhood friend, but the gown she wore did make her look like a girl. And she cleaned up pretty nicely, if one of the other less eye-offending gowns she had tried on was any indication. However, he did comment on the final dress decision that the rumors he had heard about Brides purposefully making their bridesmaids look ridiculous was, in fact, true. That had earned him a face full of taffeta, stiff lace, and tulle, and Kudo giggling in that annoying child voice of his from two seats away.
It wasn't his fault that the bride was secretly a vain and vindictive creature, bent on making her poor female friends wear something that looked like a cotton candy monster had thrown up on.
He had to admit though, as Kazuha slowly sank down next to him in a tidal wave of pink fabric, that she was probably the only one of the bridesmaids that didn't look absolutely hideous in the thing. Not that he'd tell her that, of course. He'd used up his monthly quota of Kazuha Compliments – all two of them – the week before.
"I wouldn't mind a western style wedding," he heard her say suddenly, causing him to sputter out the mouthful of water he'd just taken.
"What are you telling me this for?" he demanded as unwanted images of her in a wedding dress flitted through his brain.
Kazuha blinked at him. "I wasn't. I was talking to Ran."
Sure enough, when he leaned forward to peak through the mountain of fabric, he saw Ran giving him a tiny wave.
Heiji felt his ears burn as he slumped back in his seat. "Oh."
The two girls chattered for a few minutes about dream weddings and other things that made him wish Kudo would just take pity on him and knock him out with a sleeping dart. He turned to the young detective, ready to beg if he had to, when he stopped. "What are you giggling about, Ku-K-Conan?"
He should have felt the Impending Doom of Foreshadowing when Kudo didn't so much as bat an eyelash at his near-slip, but he was too preoccupied.
"Nothing, Heiji-niichan," came the all too sweet, all too innocent reply.
Heiji glared at the runt, almost picking him up by the scruff to throttle the truth out of him, when the last question Ran asked finally filtered through to his brain.
"Did you find a date for the wedding yet?"
Color draining from his face and eye twitching, he slowly turned to look at the girls. Ran was smiling sweetly, and for some reason Kazuha's cheeks were tinged the same color as the horrible cotton candy monstrosity of a dress. (Briefly, he mentally noted that he thought he saw the skirt breathing. The thing was alive, he was certain of it.)
"N-no," she stuttered out, finding a piece of fuzz on the floor extremely fascinating.
Kudo piped up then, and Heiji could swear he felt the boy's mischievous smirk prickling at the back of his neck. "Kazuha-neechan, I was at this wedding once in America with my parents, and there was a bridesmaid without a date."
Kazuha looked at the young boy, relieved. "Really?"
All smiles and innocence, the boy nodded. "Yup! And at the reception, lots of guys kept talking to her and asking her to dance." He suddenly stuck out his tongue in disgust. "And when I went to the restroom, I saw her and a guy stumble out of the closet. Their hair was messy and they kept on kissing and other stuff that they only show on cable over there."
A small part of him, the part that he secretly called "Keeping All Other Men Away From His Surrogate Big Sister Slash Best Friend And Threatening Those Who Got Too Close With Promises Of Death For Reasons Unknown" chose that moment to rear its ugly head. (He realized that this name lacked elegance, but it rather fit that particular side of him to the letter.) Before he knew it, he was on his feet with his chair knocked over, pointing down at Kazuha in an angry glare. He wasn't exactly aware of what he was saying, aside from promising doom on anyone who so much as blinked at her wrong, until the very end of his tirade.
"…so you are going with me and that is that!"
He stood frozen to his spot as he realized what he had just done, and the whole store around him was now deathly quiet. Pins could be heard dropping, crickets chirped in the background, and the silence was so loud he though his eardrums would explode.
"O…kay," came the shocked response. Had she not been so shocked, they both knew that she would have answered with an outburst of her own about his being overly protective, embarrassing her in front of strangers, and a continual list of misdeeds committed by her friend. However, she was, so she didn't.
Finally, the sounds started up again, and Heiji ignored the older women's adoring exclamations of 'how sweet,' 'how romantic,' and 'what a dork,' (which was actually said by Kudo) as he picked his chair back up and plopped down in a huff. "Good," he muttered under his breath.
Kazuha seemed to wear off from the shock a few seconds later. "You didn't have to make a scene, you know. I was going to ask you, anyway." At his deer-in-the-headlights look, she let out a small 'eep' as she realized how that had sounded. "Just so I don't have to go through the troubles of finding an actual date! Yes! And for safety! Best to go with a friend, ha ha! Stop looking at me like that, you idiot!"
He wasn't exactly sure how he was looking at her at the moment (his face was currently disobeying his brain's orders) but she looked as though she were petrified of him, and he didn't like it. "You're the idiot, and that's my line!"
The would have continued to frolic in the safety-net that was their familiar pattern of bickering had the Maid of Honor hadn't chosen that moment to walk by them, immediately followed by Conan coming to stand in front of Kazuha.
"Kazuha-neechan?" he asked, shooting Heiji a devious glare – thus squishing any hope the teenager had of being rescued from his previous embarrassment – while the bridesmaid fought an epic battle with her skirt so she could look down at him.
"If you do have a western-style wedding, your best friend is supposed to be the Maid of Honor, right?"
Now, Heiji could feel the Impending Doom of Foreshadowing from before cackling like mad behind him, but he wasn't exactly sure why.
Apparently, he wasn't the only one who was lost. Kazuha's eyebrows scrunched together slightly as she tilted her head to one side. "Yes, I think so."
Conan's face lit up. "I thought so! So since Heiji-niichan is your best friend, he'll be your maid of honor, right? You should have him wear a dress just like the one you're wearing, because it sure is pretty!" he declared in a voice loud enough for several people around him to hear.
Another moment of silence - just long enough for everyone to imagine the Great Detective of the West in the hideous pink dress, complete with bouquet and heals - was followed by a sudden burst of laughter from nearly everyone in the room.
And damn that Kazuha. Wasn't she supposed to be his best friend? Apparently not, because she was laughing so hard that she nearly collapsed onto the floor.
I hope she does, and I hope the dress eats her, he grumbled to himself.
Conan seemed positively pleased with himself as he sat back down and murmured just loud enough for Heiji to hear, "That's for always saying 'Kudo' in public."
Heiji groaned and slumped deeply into his chair, pulling his cap firmly over his eyes. "I should have stayed in Osaka."
If you can't tell, the mental image that I gave everyone of Heiji in the dress is what kept me in fits of giggles for the past several days. Now, it's not the fact that it's a guy in a dress that makes it so funny (to me, anyway), but the fact that it's Heiji. Because, really, it's something that I cannot see him doing at all. –Sigh- But really, if he did, I bet he'd look better in it than I do :P Darn you, all the men who can pull off a dress better than I can! And look hot doing it! Darn you to Heck!
And gack, I admit it. My knowledge of Wedding Related Stuff is so very limited, I'd get it wrong if I wrote about an actual American wedding. –hides- Forgive me if I got anything wrong, and someone please let me know if I got anything so totally blaringly wrong that it makes your eyes bleed. :D
I think next I should pick on Conan some. And maybe write some of that thar Angst Stuff. Mmm angst. It makes for a great breakfast :D And yay me! Two whole fics in a fandom without killing anyone off! Some of my friends would be so proud…