Disclaimer: I do not own Darker than Black or any of its characters
Heaven is the most peaceful place to be. Once you close your eyes and reach the place, you'll never have to see the face of sadness again. Love and joy dominate God's abode, wrath and sorrow are completely eliminated. Angels fly without a worry, and a choir of seraphs sings worship songs to the Creator of all things. The streets are made of gold, the rocks are made of pure diamonds and the gates of heaven are made of white pearls. Oh, the beauty, the purity, the marvel, the…
Along the pure and flawless color of heaven's gate, the statement 'November wuz hir' is written. It tarnished the cleanliness of the pearly gates and it really managed to piss St. Peter off. The guardian of the gate took a photograph of the evidence and secured it in his underwear, which is the next best thing to pockets. He walked towards God's office to tell the Lord of such insolence. When Peter opened that door, he saw four angels standing before God, obviously furious about something and God was trying to listen despite their uncontrollable blabbing. He noticed Peter and looked at him.
"Are you here to complain too?" asked God.
"In fact, yes," said Peter, "you see…"
Yes, St. Peter joined the bandwagon and talked about his complaints along with the four angels. God's head started to ache from all the noise. Being left with no choice, He used his authority as God.
And they all shut up. God looked at the four angels and St. Peter who stood silently, looking at their Master. He nodded in satisfaction and sighed.
'Finally,' God thought, 'some peace.'
"Now," God began, "could you speak one by one so that I can understand you?"
He looked at the five faces before him and noticed that Angel Gabriel is in pain. Because of this, he decided to ask him first.
"Gabriel," God said, "you seem to be in pain. Maybe we should start with you."
Gabriel shook his head no.
"I believe that Michael should go before me, sir." Gabriel said.
God looked at Michael and gave him a signal to start. Immediately, the warrior started speaking.
"Sir," said the angel, "I have some issues concerning one of your children."
"Who among them are you concerned about, child?" asked God.
"Jack Simon, sir."
"And why is that?"
"You see, Lord, the other day, Jack 'borrowed' my sphere."
"And by borrowed, you mean stole?"
"Yes sir. As of this moment, it still hasn't been returned to me."
"Do you have an idea of its whereabouts?"
Michael looked at his fellow archangel, Gabriel. Gabriel understood the signal and turned around to show God his back side. God's eyes widened in horror when He saw Michael's sphere stuck on Gabriel's butt.
"I can't take it off, sir!" said Gabriel, "It's stuck there."
"Can you tell me what happened?" asked God.
"Well, sir, I was walking down the road the other day. I saw Jack playing with a sphere. I didn't really mind it but he accidentally threw the sphere towards me, and like a game of darts, he hit the bull's eye."
God turned his head and looked at the cherub, a guardian of the Garden of Eden. He signaled for him to talk, and talk, he did.
"It's about Jack too, sir," the cherub said, "the man causes nothing but trouble."
"What has he done?"
"He kept on fooling me. He tells me that a human managed to enter the Garden of Eden. We cherubs go on red alert but then we find no one inside Eden!"
God scrunched his face in confusion.
"Didn't you put a barrier in that garden?" asked God, "Why would you believe that a human entered it?"
"As if that wasn't enough, he also told me that my fly is open. He's driving me off the wall! I can't live with paranoia!"
"But your garments have no zippers." God pointed out.
The cherub silenced himself for a moment then defended himself.
"See?! Jack Simon is messing with my head!"
God sighed and gave His attention to the seraph. The seraph has three pair of wings. The first pair hid his face, the last pair hid the lower part of his body, and the middle pair is what he uses for flying. But God is a knowing being, even behind those wings, he knows that the seraph is crying.
"What is it, little one?" asked God, sympathizing with the little angel, "Why did you come here?"
The six-winged angel sniffed and told his story.
"You see, Lord," he began, "Jack… Jack… Jack called me a freak for having six wings!!"
Then the angel said no more, only the sound of him sobbing was heard.
"Little one, you know that you are special," said God, "you were created with six wings so that you can hide your face, your lower body, and still be capable of flying."
The seraph huffed, obviously offended with what God had said.
"Why? Am I unsightly to look at!?"
Before God could say anything else, the seraph stormed out of His office and slammed the door.
"I swear the seraphs have gay tendencies." St. Peter stated.
"Stop that, Peter and just tell me your story."
St. Peter didn't talk, instead, he pulled the photo he took out of his trousers and slammed it on God's desk.
God raised an eyebrow and looked at the Saint.
"The Pearly Gates?" God asked, "Is that the reason why you're here?"
The impatient saint sighed and grabbed the picture to shove it on God's face.
"See that graffiti, Lord?" asked Peter, "This is what I wanted to show you! That Jack Simon has been declaring his insolence even outside of heaven!"
Having known where Peter put the photo, God stayed as far away as possible.
"Easy there, Peter," said God, "that thing had been living with your genitals, I don't want it getting in contact with my face."
"Oh, sorry, Lord."
God coughed. "It's fine."
He looked at the four people who are left in his office. Seeing Gabriel, God decided to end his suffering. With a snap of a finger, Gabriel's bum is sphere-free.
"Thank you, Lord!" Gabriel said, finally feeling a sense of relief.
"No problem. But please find Jack and tell him to come to me," said God, "I will deal with him accordingly."
The four smiled and thanked God for understanding the situation. They all turned their backs and left God's office. Now that He is alone, he thought of the just punishment for a naughty citizen. What can make Jack Simon feel the intensity of his deeds? God smiled as the idea dawned on him. As if on cue, God heard a knock on the door.
November 11 piped his head in and slowly set foot into God's office.
"Jack Simon," greeted God, "you're timing is superb."