Oh Crap!


Premise: Harry Potter enjoyed nothing more than he did being a father, but sometimes it kinda sucks. Like explaining to your children why they have so many half-siblings and why being a Potter means more than just messy black hair or green eyes.

Seven chimes sounded through the Master Suite of Potter Manor and green eyes snapped open in the near-darkness. The Lord of House Potter, Harry, was awake.

Unlike his days at Hogwarts, there were no groggy moments of confusion. Nor did he groan and roll away from the offensive sound. He sat up and stretched, years of fatherhood had seen to it that he was able to wake up quickly.

Harry reached over a lump in the covers and claimed his glasses from the nightstand. The lump was identifiable only by the purple hair that peeked out as his wife and head trainer of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Nymphadora Potter. Once upon a time, she'd been known only by her maiden name, Tonks but today you might be able to call her Dora if she considered you a friend. If you worked for her at the DMLE, or had a last name of Weasley then you'd be better off referring to her as Madam Potter.

Though if you were Harry Potter, and even after years of marriage could still make her weep tears of orgasmic bliss you can probably get away with a bite on the shoulder and a "G'morning Nymph."

The hair peeking out from under the covers turned a mellow orange and from beneath the covers, she replied sleepily, "Morning." This mumbled reply was followed with steady breathing that told him she'd gone back to sleep.

He rolled over and found himself staring into the nearly-black eyes of Pansy Potter. Her naturally tan skin was still flushed and her midnight-black hair tousled with sleep. She wore a wicked grin when combined with an athletic body that promised pleasures that would make all but the most wanton reader cry

All this paired with the questing fingers that had just wrapped around Harry's "oldest friend" let him know that she was ready to pick up where the three of them had left off the night before. That being a game she had come up with called "The Auror, the Professor and the Gryffindor."

Well, it wasn't exactly a game…

Really, it was more of a play…

Actually, not so much a play as an exercise in improv. See, they didn't really have lines or much of a plot but they did have roles to play…

Anyway in this "play" Professor Parkinson has grown tired of a certain Gryffindor's cheek and brings in an auror to discipline him only for the cocky Lion to turn the tables on both of them. He still smirked at the thought of Pansy slurring out "Fifty points to Gryffindor" before she slipped into the embrace of Morpheus.

Pansy purred as she idly stroked him, "Good Morning, Mr. Potter."

He chuckled slightly before her ministrations caused him to groan, "Good Morning, Professor Parkinson."

She leaned across the bed and gave the corner of his mouth a lick before she whispered in his ear, "I think tonight we should play the next part of this game called 'The Professor and the Auror call for back-up.'"

Harry's hands came alive and gripped her hips expertly, "This game sounds brilliant, how do we play?"

"Well, it seems our Trouble-making Gryffindor has cornered a poor girl from Beauxbatons with a mind to sully her virtue-" Harry's lips and teeth on a sensitive spot behind her right ear caused her to moan "Mmm, very good."

He paused only long enough to say, "Keep going."

She took a handful of his hair and pressed him back to that spot before she spoke in a breathier tone, "So a Hufflepuff Prefect is patrolling with a Ravenclaw prefect and stumble across the scene. The Hufflepuff prefect tries to help while the civic-minded Ravenclaw prefect goes to our gorgeous professor to tell her. Knowing she and her auror friend were bested by him she calls in help from another auror and an Unspeakable-"


At the shout from that echoed through the manor, all three occupants of the Master Bed sat up and looked towards the door. Dora, who was wide awake at the angered utterance of her oldest son's name, forgot about modesty as she began to dash from the room, wand in hand.

Which was just fine with Harry, despite his wife's fast approaching fiftieth birthday, magic, exercise and her metamorphmagus abilities have allowed her to keep the very, very perky body of a twenty year old witch. In fact, Harry was quite enjoying the way her backside swung enticingly back and forth as she charged across the room.

Pansy's voice stayed the Master Auror's hand at the door, "Pardon me, but Nymph?"

Dora paused and both she and Harry turned towards the witch that had remained in bed. For just a moment, Harry could think of nothing other than his olive skinned wife and the things her breathing was doing to her breasts. Her voice only barely reached him through the fog. "Not that I, or clearly Harry mind but you are naked." Dora flushed slightly and her hair turned from orange to a bright embarrassed red. Pansy continued, "Also, Anna-Belle's friends are here for a slumber party and seeing a Master Auror charge through the house nude might embarrass Fleur's daughter in front of her friends."

A flick of her wand summoned a knee-length violet silk robe from the floor and Dora quickly pulled it around herself before she stormed from the room to find out why Hermione was bellowing for Teddy.

Pansy plucked her own wand from the bedside table and a closed the door before dropping it back on the stand. She then turned his chin until he faced her, she then smiled seductively, "Now, Mr. Potter I believe that you and I should-"


With a growl, Harry flopped back into the pillows. "What did I do?"

The door opened and Susan and Daphne smirked at them from the hall, "It seems Headmistress McGonagall sent a letter, Teddy's been a bad boy."

Harry sat up and looked at the pair of amused witches, "So, this is my fault because?"

Unspeakable Daphne Potter turned to Susan Potter and the two giggled like the school girls they once were and not grown women and mothers of two of Harry's four sons before Susan said, "Oh no! You're going into this cold, Mister Potter!"

He turned to Pansy for sympathy but only received a shooing motion from her.

With a grumble, Harry slipped out of the bed then summoned his pajamas and pulled them on. Finally, he left the Master Suite cursing his wives half-heartedly the entire time.

It was a grumbling Lord Potter that arrived in the kitchen to find Hermione and Dora glaring at him while a bright red, twelve year old Edward James "Teddy" Potter sat at the table starring at his hands.

Seeing two of his wives so angry immediately brought instincts that hadn't truly been used since he sent Tom Riddle through the Veil at the DoM in his fifth year to the forefront. "What happened?"

Instead of explaining; his oldest friend, the woman who gifted him with sex for the first time and mother of his oldest daughter, Sharon Lily Potter, scowled at him the way she used to scowl at Ron Weasley. "Did I or did I not tell you to have The Talk with Edward before he went off to school last year?"

He turned to Teddy's mother, "Nymph, what-"

Dora's scowl was blistering, "Don't look to me for sympathy!" When he started to turn to Teddy she snapped at him again, "Don't ask him either! This is your mess!"

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, "'My Mess?' What the bloody hell did I do?"

In three steps, Hermione had closed the distance between them and slapped a roll of parchment into his chest. "Read this! Then call Sirius. Dora and I are going to gather your sons and you will have The Talk with them!"

He was then shoved rather unceremoniously out of the kitchen in the general direction of his den. He scanned the letter in his hands for a moment then as he began to realize why he'd have to call Sirius he muttered, "Oh Merlin! The TALK!"

When he sat down at his desk, he began to read the letter;

"To: The Lord and Ladies Potter

"From the Office of Headmistress Minerva McGonagall

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

"Dear Potter Parents,

"I am writing to inform you of an incident that occurred in the final week of the spring term involving one of your children attending this school.

"Edward James Potter, Second Year Gryffindor (at the time of the incident) along with the entire of the second and third year Gryffindor Ladies were found in Edward's room after his roommates found their Head of House, Professor Lupin. The boys informed Remus that the girls had stormed into their room and demanded the other boys leave.

"Professor Lupin found that the room had been locked by several (admittedly impressive and advanced) locking spells. After unlocking the door, Remus entered the room to find Edward and the nine girls engaged in a combination of the games 'Spin the Bottle' and 'Seven Minutes in Heaven.'

"Rest Assured, all students involved served several detentions and will be serving more come the fall term. However since one of the girls involved was Professor Lupin's daughter, Emily Lupin-Black (Gryffindor Third Year at the time of the incident) and another was the Daughter of a Board of Governors' Member, Lily Black (also Gryffindor Third Year at the time of the incident) I felt it my duty to inform you of this incident and require Lord Potter to explain in detail his family's magics before his children, in particular his sons, return to Hogwarts in the fall.


"Minerva McGonagall"

It was with shaking hands that Harry picked up the floo powder and ignited the fireplace in his den. He tossed in a pinch and called out "Black Manor."

The flames turned green and he stuck his head in, "Sirius? Hestia? It's Harry. Anybody Home?"

The wife of his Godfather, Hestia Black's stern face greeted him. "We've been wondering when you'd call."

Harry flushed with embarrassment, "I'd only just heard about it before I called, Hestia. May I speak with Sirius?"

The usually cheerful auror frowned, "No. I think you'll talk to me first, Harry. Why did Remus find my daughter in a closet with your son with his hand up her blouse? Not to mention his daughter had several 'bite marks' on her neck."

Harry felt all the blood leave his face, "'Hand?' 'B-bl-blouse?'" Hearing the details he started wondering how many floo calls he needed to place. Remus and Narcissa of course. He'd also have to call Neville and Hannah as their daughter was in Gryffindor and was Teddy's age. He'd have to call Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet as their daughter- Oh no! He'd have to call Bill Weasley!

Trained curse breaker, Bill Weasley. Bill, who married Marietta Edgecombe and who worked with goblins and never quite forgave him for breaking Ginny's heart… Harry was a dead man.

"Yes, Harry. His hand up her blouse! I know you of all people have played 'Seven Minutes in Heaven!'"

"Actually, I-"

"It's beside the point! I should have known that once the Potters started showing up at Hogwarts this would happen…"

Her head disappeared and he heard her calling for Sirius. Moments later the face of Sirius Black was in the fire with him, looking very much like the mass-murderer he was once thought of. "So glad you called, Harry." He spoke with a voice of a man prepared to strangle someone, Harry wondered if it would be him or his son. Probably both.

"Now, Sirius. I didn't think- I mean when I was in second year I wasn't even thinking of girls yet. I just…" He sighed, "I'm so sorry Sirius. I'm going to sit the boys down and talk to them today."

Sirius actually smiled, "It's okay Harry. I'm not very happy, but…" He chuckled then said, "Count your blessings, Pup. No one's in the pudding club."

Harry let out a broken laugh then said, "Thanks, Padfoot. I-ah…"

Sirius shook his head when Harry trailed off, "I don't envy you, Pup. When I explained the family magic to Lily I only had to explain transfiguration. You're in for it."

Sirius disappeared and Harry pulled his head out of the flame. He then flopped back into his chair and scrubbed his hands through his hair. He then called out, "Dobby?"

With a pop, Dobby appeared. Harry smiled at one of his oldest friends. The house elf returned his smile, no longer quite as manic after years of happy service to the Potter Clan. "Yes, HarryPotterSir? You asks for Dobby?"

He nodded, "Could you bring Teddy, Michael, Christopher and Cedric in please."

Dobby nodded, "Yes sir, HarryPotterSir. The Missuses Potter has already gathered your sons for a stern talking to!"

He disappeared with a pop and the number of chairs on the other side of the desk doubled a moment later there was a knock at his door. He called out for them to enter and the door opened. He found a stern looking Dora, Hermione and Cho marching his boys into the den before they left and closed the door. Leaving Harry to the probably the most awkward conversation he was ever going to have.

Teddy was in front. Teddy was just shy of his thirteenth birthday and a spitting image of his father, same mop of messy black hair and bright green eyes that apparently had the same affect on his school mates that snared his mother. However, Harry noticed something this morning. Teddy's hair changed quite suddenly as he entered the room to a sickly looking green.

Next was soon to be twelve year-old Christopher, his son with Cho. He looked very much like his maternal grandfather though he was tall for his age, taller than Teddy even. He'd been sorted into Hufflepuff, the first Potter in seven generations to go into the Badger House. Christopher also inherited both of his parents' ability with a broom and Sprout had all but demanded him to try out in the fall.

Michael and Cedric were his ten year old sons with Daphne and Susan respectively. They were affectionately known as the twins because they were born less than a day apart and almost as close as twins. Michael had Daphne's light brown hair and almost hazel colored eyes; he also had Daphne's subtle intelligence.

Cedric had Susan's red hair and coloring which gave reason for his Great Aunt and Grandmother to proclaim him the spitting image of Susan's uncle Edgar. However, his green eyes led Sirius and Remus to claim he looked like a perfect combination of Lily and James.

Cedric was also Sirius' apprentice in the Marauder's arts. Which, considering the subject of their upcoming talk, made Harry worry for his sanity as soon as Cedric started thinking of girls as something other than targets for pranks.

"Boys, have a seat."

They each took a seat and looked at him nervously, none of them except Teddy knew what this was about other than what they gathered by hearing Hermione yell out for their oldest brother and then father at seven in the morning.


He looked at them and was at a loss. He'd never had this conversation; Sirius couldn't explain it and Hermione only knew what Susan and Megan had told her which was mostly rumor and innuendo. He'd had to read through the library in the Manor to learn his family's magic.

He blew out a frustrated breath, "Boys…"

Teddy gathered his courage and spoke, "Dad, I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't even know they were going to do it. Victoria Weasley, Sarah Longbottom and the other Second Year girls had been chasing me around all year and they gathered up Emily and Lily. They said all this stuff about magic and prowess. They said they wanted to play a game and the next thing I know, I'm being kissed by Emily and Lily's shoving me in a closet with Katie Johnson and-"

"THAT'S-" Harry cleared his throat when all four of his sons jumped, "Sorry, that's enough Teddy." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before saying, "Boys, let me start by apologizing but this conversation is going to be embarrassing for you and me as well for that matter but you need to know."

Silence descended on them and he realized that he might be frightening his sons. He decided to change tactics, "Have I ever told you about the very beginning of the Potter Family?

"A thousand years ago, Godric Gryffindor had five sons. The youngest, was Charlus. Charlus traveled Europe for years, learning magic and helping people. He had gained fame and glory by the time he returned to England.

"He came upon a village one day that was being terrorized by a witch called Wanda the Wicked. He sought her out and fought her and defeated her, but he also noticed something special about. You see, Wanda was cruel but she was also quite beautiful. So he married her-"

Teddy was stunned, "Dad? Why would he marry someone who was evil? That'd be like you marrying Bellatrix Black!"

Harry slumped back, already this wasn't going well. The mention of Bellatrix made this especially apparent. Bellatrix had been found and captured the night Riddle had died. This time she was given a more thorough investigation before her trial and several things were brought to light.

First; prior to Sirius becoming Patriarch, some of the senior members of the Black family were far more creative in exerting their authority over family members. Bella's mother and father forced her into an oath of fealty to the Lestrange brothers.

Second; in addition to using this oath to brutalize and abuse a young woman into marriage, they forced her into helping Voldemort who also tortured and raped her (mentally and physically) until she wasn't much more than a mad dog.

Finally, because of the first two reasons; Barty Crouch Senior had found her innocent at her "trial" but sent her to Azkaban anyway.

Sirius had been horrified and after his name had been cleared he took Bella into his care. It had taken years, but Bella was well enough to live on her own in the Black house in Wales. Not far from Potter Manor actually.

The comment did hit a little close to home because while he didn't marry Bella he did have some intimate knowledge of her, before he'd started dating Fleur and Tonks.

"Teddy, I can't speak for why he did. I only know that he did it." Looking at his oldest son and seeing he wasn't going to ask another question, he continued. "After Charlus returned to his father with tails of his exploits Lord Gryffindor granted him his own family, and the Potter family was born. One hundred years later, Wanda Potter called the family together and blessed our family with good fortune and magical ability as long as our family continued to fight against oppression."

Seeing the boys pass looks between each other as they started to realize some of their birthright. "Boys, every generation of Potters has followed this path. We've struck down tyrants and dark lords for a thousand years, we've also used our political power to try and make things better for all the magical beings in England. All that will come as you grow older.

"What we need to talk about today is bit more… Tricky." He felt the tips of his ears burn before he continued, "You see… The other thing Wanda blessed our line with… Boys… Maybe I should start with why your Mothers asked us to have this talk, today. You see, all of you are getting older and you might be starting to notice witches… or wizards." He grimaced and then quickly amended, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" He shook his head; he wasn't too keen on having that talk. Ever. "Anyway, you may be starting to notice girls in a different light and witches may have started to notice you differently."

Cedric spoke, "You mean like how those girls kept chasing Teddy around with mistletoe over Christmas."

Michael picked up where his brother left off, "Or those girls at the train station yesterday that kept trying to show Christopher their undies?"

Harry's head whipped towards Christopher who was glaring at the smirking twins, "Chris?"

Teddy turned towards Chris, "Who? Was it the Weasley cousins?"

Harry paled as he realized Teddy was referring to Percy and Audrey's youngest daughter, Lucy and Charlie's daughter, Natalie. Harry suddenly had a memory of waiting as the Express pulled into the station. He saw Christopher talking to two pretty red-headed girls still wearing Gryffindor Jumpers for a moment before his youngest daughter; Constance performed her first feat of accidental magic on Pansy's ear rings.

He thought over the memory again and noticed several details he'd ignored. Like how Natalie's jumper seemed a little too small and Lucy's fingers at the edge of her skirt and tugging it up- 'Oh Merlin, I'm going to have the entire Weasley family out to kill me!' His eyes refocused on his sons, "Chris?"

Chris turned back to Harry when he repeated the boy's name, "Dad… I didn't do anything. I don't- They won't leave me alone!" Then to show that he was indeed Harry's son, his mouth continued working independently of his brain, "Besides I fancy Lisa Finnegan!" He flushed suddenly as his brain finally caught up to his tongue.

Harry actually chuckled, according to Hermione, Seamus and Lavender's daughter was a spitting image of her mother and a smart girl. Meanwhile, his sons descended upon Christopher for admitting he fancied a girl.

He allowed it to go on as he fondly imagined a world where he had brothers who would pick on him. Finally he held up his hand palm out, his sons quickly quieted. "Boys, this is what I'm talking about. You see our magic has given the Potters a reputation and there may be several witches approaching you wishing to play on that reputation. All I ask of you is discretion. Just because a witch offers you… Something does not mean you have to… Accept it. Be careful and please try not to make me a grandfather before you're out of school and I hope married. Do you understand?"

Four heads shook in the negative. Harry dismissed them anyway.

Michael and Cedric disappeared and had probably forgot everything they talked about before they were at the door. Teddy and Chris stayed, much to Harry's dismay.

Teddy then asked, "Dad? Am I in trouble because of the… Spin the bottle. Mum and Hermione were really angry."

Harry smiled, "No son, I imagine the wizard they're angry with is me. See, Dora and Hermione wanted me to talk with you about this last year but I didn't." He picked up his wand and cast a few silent spells to prevent eavesdropping, "Just between the three of us, good on you Teddy. If it weren't their daughters involved Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus would be proud of you and if they give you too hard a time you just ask Uncle Remus about the time your Grandfather was kidnapped over Christmas Break and that should quiet them."

The boys grinned impishly before Teddy followed his younger brothers out of the den. Chris then flushed and Harry grinned, "Christopher, I was thinking of inviting the Finnegans out this summer for an afternoon, would you do me a favor and help arrange that? Maybe write their daughter Lisa or call her on the floo?"

Chris gave him a smile that reminded him so much of Cho and said, "I'd love to, Dad!" The young man then ran out of the den presumably for the fireplace in the living room.

Finally left alone with his thoughts, Harry began reminiscing on his youth. Secure in the knowledge that his wives would be having the talk with Sharon and Anna-Belle this summer and he didn't have to. He shuddered as he remembered Fleur talking about Anna-Belle's journey into womanhood, "Veela are veela, mon amour. There is no such thing as half or quarter veela and you're daughter is not just veela, she is also a Potter. She will have so many suitors."

He frowned, Anna might be veela, but all his daughters were beautiful just like their mothers.

His beautiful daughters that were charming and smart and still thought boys were silly… Silly boys like Fred's twin sons, both named George and George's twin sons both named Fred. He'd seen them trying to talk to Anna and Sharon before…

Boys like Ronald Weasley the Second who he'd seen chasing his daughter Emily around the playground with a toad last summer…

Boys like Scorpius Malfoy, whose father offered a marriage contract for his and Fleur's daughters hand last month…

He shot upright in his chair as he thought about how Anna-Belle was veela like her mother and Sharon was as beautiful as Hermione.

He frowned more deeply.

He thought about his and Cho's six year-old daughter Bai-An dragging that muggle "boyfriend" she'd claimed all through the front yard by the hand.

Suddenly his stomach churned.

He thought about how Emily could command an entire room's attention just like her mother, Pansy could.

He tasted bile and scowled.

His baby daughter, Constance whose cheerful voice made him smile no matter the situation.

He shot out of his chair and stormed out of his den, "FLEUR! HERMIONE!"

He was going to have to kill entire families!