A/N: Don't own it, don't have money, don't sue!
He couldn't believe it. For the fourth class in a row, Harry Potter did not have his potions homework. Snape was debating if he wanted to know why, or if he should simply kick the Gryffindor out of his class. The choice, however, was soon taken out of his hands, as one of his Slytherin's asked the dreaded question.
"So, what's the excuse this time, scar head?" Yes, the youngest Malfoy was the one who opened his big mouth before Snape could stop him.
Harry simply glanced at Draco, then at Snape, and opened his mouth as though to answer him.
Something within him had snapped. Snape quickly decided he had had enough of the boys stupid, irrational excuses. If the headmaster wanted to play along with his stupid little games, fine! But he wasn't going to put up with it in his class any longer. So before Harry even said one word, Snape spoke.
"Let me guess, Potter," he sneered across the room, then also throwing Malfoy a withering glare that told him he would be dealt with later. "Did the giant squid eat your homework?"
That brought a round of laughter from the students, even most of the Gryffindors chuckled at the question.
"What? Oh, no, sir, actually…" was as far as Harry got before he was interrupted by Snape.
"No? Hmm, I wonder what else it could have been. Oh, did a centaur beat you up and steal your homework?"
"No, sir…" Harry attempted to answer his professor, but was once again, cut off.
"Wait! I know… did one of the headmasters candies steal your homework?"
Harry was appearing to become quite agitated that his professor wouldn't allow him to speak. When Snape paused again, Harry attempted, again, to speak.
"Sir, if you would just let me…"
"No no no. I want to try and guess why!" Snape had a strange, slightly deranged look in his eyes now. "Were you off playing the hero? Did someone step on a poor ant? You had to save it? Is that it?"
By now, even his Slytherin's were slowly backing away from their head of house. On the other side of the classroom, the Gryffindor's were inching away from their fellow classmate, apparently just as afraid for his sanity as the Slytherin's were for Snape's.
At his latest suggestion, Harry didn't even attempt to reply. He simply glared at his potion master, and waited for the lunatic to go on.
"No… that wouldn't be right, would it? When you play hero, you end up in the hospital wing…" Now, Snape was pacing back and forth in front of the desk Harry sat at, merely mumbling to himself, not really speaking up to be heard by anyone except Harry. "Pity you're not in the hospital wing, you wouldn't be in my class! What could it possibly be…" Snape just stood there, in front of Harry, not noticing the looks he was receiving from the rest of the class. It looked like he was trying to think along the lines of Harry, trying to think up something moronic enough that the boy would use.
"Okay! I've got it!" Snape actually clapped his hands, much like a child when they figure out a difficult puzzle. "Ok, so, you were on your way to your common room, but, for reasons unknown, you were alone. All your little followers were… were… being accosted by the headmaster in the Great Hall! Yes, that's it." Snape vigorously rubbed his hands together, then continued, "Yes, you were on your way upstairs when a dinosaur somehow leapt from a painting on the stair well, and… and… chased you back downstairs, and you ended up being chased all the way outside. You then ran into the Forbidden Forest, where, for some reason, the dinosaur wouldn't follow. But, you being… well, you, kept running deeper into the forest. When suddenly there was… a…" Snape again paused, trying to think of where Potter would go from there.
"Sir, if you would just…" Harry attempted, yet again, to explain to his teacher why he didn't have his homework, but yet again, he didn't get far.
This time, Snape waved his hand at the boy, and said "shhhhhh" Then resumed his pacing.
"Then you were knocked out by a space heater falling from the sky. When you woke up, you found you had been tied to a tree by a great white shark. He was going to eat you, unless you gave him your potions homework to eat. So, as usual, you put yourself first, and to hell with everything else. You just… just threw him your homework like it was just… a piece of meat! Yes. That's it, a piece of meat."
He paused again, face screwed up, thinking of just where he could go with this. He froze for a few moments, a vacant look in his eyes as he thought. After a little while longer, he snapped out of it, and continued.
"Now, that happened last night, you could have redone the homework… but why didn't you?"
Harry thought he was actually asking him and opened his mouth to answer him, until Snape answered his own question and continued on with his rant.
"Because after the shark let you go, you were lost in the forbidden forest. You began walking, hoping you were going in the correct direction to reach the castle. When suddenly… Captain Crunch attacked! He was hungry, and he wanted your potions homework, but you had already given it to the great white, the captain was about to kill you until Count Chocula came and saved you!! That would have been the end of it, but the Count got stuck in Spiderman's web! After Batman and Catwoman saved you, you gave them your herbology homework, cause they were hungry too! Everyone knows that heroes only eat other peoples homework!" At this point Snape actually bent down to whisper this part in Harry's ear, although the whole class still heard, "It comes with the job."
He then stood once more, and continued his rant and his pacing.
"Unfortunately for you, Mr. Potter," here, Snape actually paused and pointed at Harry, as though Harry didn't know who he was, "no one that saved you knew where Hogwarts is! So, you ended up going further and further into the forest. After many hours, you actually emerged, only to find yourself in a strange muggle city. Now, Batman and Catwoman being as dumb as all heroes," Snape cast a sly glance at Harry, making sure he knew that Snape was calling him dumb as well, "thought that that was where you wanted to go, and they left you."
By now, even Harry had started slowly inching away from his professor. Since Harry was the reason for Snape's rambling, his teacher noticed he had moved. Instead of telling him to return to his seat, Snape actually walked over to where Harry was, and didn't just grab his arm and guide him to his chair, for reasons known only to Snape, he put his wand in his mouth, to have both hands free, bent over, and picked Harry up in a fireman's lift, brought him back to his seat, and plopped the student in his chair.
By now, Harry was very, very frightened. A teacher picked him up. Not just any teacher, SNAPE!
At the front of the classroom yet again, Snape continued, as though he had not just picked up and carried his least favorite student to his place in the class room, and he had done so in front of witnesses!
"Where was I? Oh that's right, the muggle city. Now, since you are… well, you, you had no money on you. You had to resort to begging to collect enough money for a muggle taxi. Then you needed to make sure you had enough money for a very good tip, since the taxi had to go through the forest because, you don't know how to reach Hogwarts except by train." When he reached this part, Snape began nodding his head, as though agreeing with himself.
"It took hours for you to eventually return to the castle, you returned, in fact, just two minutes before the bell for this class, so of course you couldn't have redone your homework!" When he finished, he turned back to Harry and raised an eyebrow, as though asking, "I'm right, aren't I?"
For a few minutes, Harry couldn't make a sound. He simply sat at his desk and stared at his professor. When he was able to speak, there was only moments before the bell would ring to end this class.
Every so slowly, Harry opened his mouth, afraid of being cut off again.
"Professor, I forgot you had assigned us homework, that's all." Before this sunk into his teachers mind, he had his things collected and ran from the room, followed by the rest of the class. Each shooting their professor a fearful glance, as he had still not moved since Harry admitted that he had only forgotten about the homework.