The Real Reason You Should Never Frequent The Hogwarts Kitchens.

Summary: One of the many reasons you should never go into the Hogwarts kitchens at night...

A/N: This is really just completely pointless and has no plot what-so-ever. lol. It is a bunch of pointless random smut that I just randomly felt like writing one day. lol. Cos I like pointless smut! lol.

WARNINGS: SLASH, SMUT, ANAL, BEASIALITY (sort of) BOND, TWINCEST (Kind of. Depends how you view it.) And general all out wrongness and an utter lack of morality and plot! lol. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! lol. So don't flame me for being a sick twisted degenerate fuck! lol. (even though I am...) lol. If u no likey, u no ready. lol. It's as easy as that. Also if my spelling's crap it's cos word pad don't have a spell checker. lol. Also, I make no profit off this, except to gain a very sick and perverted gutter mind by writing it! lol. Don't sue me, cos all you'd get is 20 cents. lol.

The one-shot idea I was given was; Snape/Remus - Kitchen - Steak. I turned it into;

Sirius/Snape/Remus/Harry/Weasly Twins - Kitchen - Steak. Orgies. lol. Basicly a whole bunch of pointless smutty stuff! lol. And now, on with the pointlessness! lol.

Sirius Black slipped down to the Hogwarts kitchens, intent on getting something to eat. He crept over to the portrait of the fruit bowl and tickled the pear until it turned into a door handle, then slipped inside the kitchens. As he walked through the kitchens he heard voices drifting from the back corner by the large fire-place.

Sirius crept closer, feeling only slightly like he was intruding, and glanced through a stack of pots and pans to see who it was. What he saw made a smile curl his lips, and he got himself in a comfortable kneeling position.

Remus Lupin was kneeling in front of the fire while Severus Snape sat in a conjured arm chair holding a piece of steak just out of his reach. Sirius grinned as Remus whined, and crawled up into Severus' lap, reaching for it. Severus grinned, a pulled his arm back a bit further, until Remus was almost ontop of him, then jerked it foward so he fell off the chair and onto the floor.

Sirius let out a snigger, then quickly tried to cover it up, as Severus turned to look at him, Remus looking strangely thoughtful for a minute, before leaning up to whisper something in Severus' ear, Sirius couldn't hear. The potions master smirked slightly, then got up, dissapearing from view, as he walked around the back of the chair, and moved deeper into the kitchen.

It was only a few seconds later when Sirius yelped and jumped backwards, stright into something hard and firm that grabbed him around the waist. Said thing then proceeded to lean over him and breath down his neck, making him shiver with a mixture of surprise, and anticipation.

"Black, you really should know better..." a voice purred in his ear, as a pair of hands ran down his sides, and slipped beneath his shirt, running back up his chest, and over his shoulders, pinning him against the solid body behind him.

"Mmm. But since when has that ever stopped me...?" he asked, quietly, allowing himself to be pulled out of his hiding place, and over to the fire, where he was deposited on the ground next to Remus, who pulled out a wand and proceeded to chain him up to the foot of the chair, a secritive smile playing across his lips.

"Now... What exactly do you think we should do with our captive, Remus? Now that we have him exactly where we want him?"

Sirius took note of the low, husky tones of Snapes voice, and shivered again, moving back slightly, only to be stopped by Remus, who was sitting right behind him, and slid his arms around his wist to hold him still.

Sirius felt a thrill run down the length of his spine. He'd always had a reputation of being a playboy, but he'd never actually lived up to it... Not really. Well, kind of. But he'd always prefered men... Especially the ones who played hard to get. Like Snape.

Sirius leaned back, as said person slid off his chair and onto the floor, the piece of steak once again being held just out of either his or Remus's reach. The evil smirk on his face gave Sirius the impresion that things were about to get very interesting indeed, in a way that he seemed to have no control over. Not that he minded of course.

Sirius had now been backed up as far as he could go, and had actually started to slide onto his back, the only thing holding him up being Remus's chest and arms, while Severus settled himself across his lap, straddling his legs, and leaning over him in a dominating fasion, his face now very close to Sirius' exposed neck. 'It was a good thing the man wasn't really a Vampire...'

Sirius closed his eyes, as Severus moved closer to him, and began to bite and suckle at his neck, leaving some very prominent bruises in his wake. Sirius couldn't surpress a moan as Remus started to unbutton his shirt, and pulled it off his shoulders, starting on his pants. Once he got the open Severus pulled them down over his legs and threw them aside.

Sirius groaned again as Remus began to tease him, by running his hand down his cock, lightly, adn breathing softly on th back of his neck. Severus had now moved his hands down to join him, expertly stroking, and teasing, before leaning down and running his tongue seductively along the base.

Sirius moaned loudly, and all three of them turned suddenly as his was echoed by another moan which had not come from either of the other two. Snape crouched beside Sirius, and the animagus slipped off Remus's lap and crawled, stealth-like over to his earlier hiding place, and was met by a rather embaressed looking Harry, and a set of sheepish looking Weasley twins, both of whom appeared to have their hands down Harrys pants.

Sirius grinned wolfishly and called Remus over, who was followed by Severus, who grabbed hold of the twins while Sirius pinned his godson against him and dragged him over to where they had been sitting.

Severus smirked, and said to Remus in a sardonic tone; "Why is it that we always seem to be getting interupted? I mean, really, have this lot got nothing better to do than to sneak around in the kitchens all night long?"

"Er... We were just..." Harry started, but was cut off by the twins.

"We were just coming down for something to eat when we ran into young Harry prowling around the corridores..."

"...and thought we'd save him the trouble of possably getting caught..."

" we brought him down here..."

"...bringing, here having the meaning of kidnaping..."

"...although he was more like a willing fugitive..."

"...and then of course we heard voices..."

"...and thought we'd caught someone else out of bed..."

"...which in a sense we had..."

"...although not the someones we would have expected..."


"...that doesn't mean we don't apriciate the view..."

"...of course..."

Sirius suddenly reached over and shoved his tonuge down the nearest twins throat to silence him, pressing him against the floor, and shoving his robes aside, before he was grabbed roughly from behind, and pulled around to face a smirking potions master.

Severus then proceeded to attack Sirius' mouth in much the same fasion as he had just done to one of the twins, forcing his tongue inside and begining the fierce fight for dominance that had always ensued between them.

"Hey!" George said, indignantly from the floor, as he grabbed Sirius again.

"Hey! Will you two quit it! I ain't a piece of meat ya know!"

"Yes you are... A very delectable piece of meat..." Remus replied, with a laugh.

Sirius sighed, and resigned himself to being dragged about like two dogs fighting over a bit of steak, and grabbed hold of Remus, biting down hard on his shoulder.

"Ow! What the hell was that for!?"

Sirius smirked. "For being a prat!"

That was when it all went to the dogs... Litterally.

Somehow all items of clothing were lost to the floor of the kitchens, and a resaulting tangle of limbs ensured that everyone involved was suddelny very sweaty, and rather very aroused.

Somehow Sirius ended up sandwhiched between George and Severus, while Remus was crouched over Harry, who had managed to swallow Georges cock whole, while Fred lay on his back beneath Harry, running his tongue along the length of his cock, as Remus jerked him off. All in all, it was a very interesting arangement.

Yelling, and moans, and odd sounds of pleasure soon ensued, random names, and words of ecstacy falling from the lips of all involved.

Sirius slambed into George fiercely, as Severus set a bruising pace from behind, George had his hand burried in Harrys hair as his cock was repeatedly shoved further down the throat of the boy wonder, who was shaking slightly from Freds non-stop ministrations. Fred had just descovered the feral side of Remus Lupin, who was nipping and biting everything he could reach, licking and sucking, his slightly clawed hands running everywhere, creating a constant wave of continuous sensations rolling through Freds body.

Sirius was the first one to give, cumming with a loud, wild cry, tossing his shaggy head back, as Severus slambed him into George, both screaming together. Harry quickly swallowed all of Georges cum, just as his own was released into Freds waiting mouth, and Remusset about lapping up Freads own mess from his chest, along with any other white liquid he could find, weather on bodies or in them.

Harry laughed quietly at his displays of dog-like enthusiasm, and remarked on it to him. Remus growled lightly, and tackled him to the floor. "It might pay you to remember I'm still horny as hell here, before you say anything else like that again..."

Harry grinned slightly, and Remus didn't even wait, before plunging himself into Harrys tight, hot cavern, a loud growl leaving his throat, as Severus crept up behind him, a conjoured chain in his hand, with a collar already attatched.

Sirius sniggered at his kinkiness, and shoved his tonge down Freds throat to stop himself from laughing out loud and giving the potions master away.

Remus was unaware of Severus' actions untill it was too late, and he let out a growl of protest as he was yanked backwards by the chain, and promptly smacked upside the head.

"You know Remus, it's rude to jump on people..."

"It's rude to tie them up too..."

Severus smirked evil;y at him. "Only if they don't like being tied up... And I happen to know for a fact that you absolutely love it... Submisive mutt..."

Remus growled again, and forcefuly denied it. "I am not!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Oh...?" The taunting potions master walked up behind the werewolf, and slambed into him, bringing a loud growl from Remus, and a startled cry from Harry, who was pressed firmly into the floor, as Severus bit Remus's neck, lapping up the blood that pooled there.

Sirius looked at each of the twins in turn, then said; "Tell my boys, do either of you like sandwhiches?"

Fred smickered like a madman, and George cacked himself laughing, before yelling; "I'm top!"

"Oi! Who said!?"

"I was on bottom last time. Your turn mate..."

Fred growled in a way slightly reminicent of Remus, and streached out on all fours with his behind in the air. Sirius smacked him playfully, before bending down to lap at his hole, and fred exclaimed; "Oi! I've gotta sit on that..."

George laughed, as he sidled up behind the animagus, sliding his hand between his legs. "Not any more."

Sirius, being the impatient person he was, chose that moment to grab Freds hips and pull him backwards, with such force, that the red-head was sure he was going to be walking funny for days after.

George pushed into Sirius, who barked, and George made an amused face at the back of his head, before burrying his nose in Sirius' hair.

The animagus suddenly got a wicked idea, and concentrated his thoughts briefly, laughing like a maniac in his mind, as he recieved a loud gasp from behind his, and a strangled yelp from in front.

Padfoot put his claws carefly at Freds side, trying not to completely tear him to pieces. He only slightly succeeded. Fred moaned loudly as a set of claws traced lighly down his sides, just hard enough to draw blood, and George rubbed his balls against the twitching tail of the large black dog beneath him. He briefly thought that Sirius really did have some strange ideas... Strange, but fun...

There was a loud howl from their right, and George grinned to himself at the sound of Remus turning completly feral in the throes of orgasm, and he heard Snape curse and hit him accusing him of trying to turn Harry into a werewolf, at which the defense teacher protested weakly, and Harry just moaned.

It wasn't long before Sirius too, let out a loud howl, and Fred screamed, jerking his hips back, into the furry cock still burried in him, and George followed him with a cry, and lay, shuddering, on top of the large dog, who had finaly removed himself from Freds entrance, and was licking up the cum from his rectum, before pushing his muzzle between Freds legs, and cleaning the head of his cock.

George pulled out of Sirius, and scooted round in front of him, so the animagus could do the same to him. Gasping at the feel of the rough tongue laving his cock, and nuzzling his balls.

By that stage, Remus had crawled over to them, still being held by Snape, and the Werewolf bent down, pushing his own nose between Sirius legs, his tail messing up the defense teachers hair as he licked the furry balls lightly, earning a low whine from Sirius, who shoved his muzzle firmly between Severus' legs, nuzzling, and licking feverishly.

The potions master was a little surprised and rather intrigued at being sucked off by a dog, but then, he fuigered, Lupin was technically a dog too, so it didn't really matter.

When Sirius was finally finished with his energetic licking, he transformed bakcinto himself, grinning like a madman, and kissing Remus roughly, forcing his tongue into the werewolfs mouth, to which Remus responded with a light-hearted growl, before pulling away, to retrieve his clothes. At least, he thought they were his, they seemed a little small.

Once they were all dressed they looked around at each other, realising they were all wearing the completely wrong clothes. Remus had on Sirius' pants and Severus' shirt, while the potions master himself had ended up with Georges shirt and Remus's pants. Harry had apparently grabbed Freds shirt and Georges pants, both of which were far too big for him, whie Fred had on Sirus' shirt and Harrys pants, while his brother looked rather odd dressed in Remus's shirt, and Severus' pants.

They all laughed at how utterly desheveled they looked, and opted to just wear what they'd managed to get on. George was sure he was going to get some extremely shocked and curious looks tomorow. Sirius honestly didn't care, and Severus was threatening to kill anyone who even dared to notice. Remus was surprisingly calm and was hiding a barely contained laugh.

They all left in different directions; Harry and the twins heading back up to Gryffendore tower, Severus to his dungeaons, and Sirius and Remus to Remus's office, where Sirius shared quarters with him.

All in all, they decided, it had been a very interesting night out of bed, and there were sure to be more, similer encounters in the future. Sirius cackled madly at the thought, a manic glint in his eye. He was really going to have fun with this... Remus just smiled sadly, pitying the poor people who ended up the victims of Sirius' new found 'game.' Someone was sure in for a big, nasty surprise when they woke up...

Fins. lol.

A/N: I know there was really no real plot to this but quite honestly, there wasn't meant to be. lol. It was just a bit of pointless smut that I randomly decided to write after a one-shot generator gave me the idea of Snape/Remus, in the kitchen, steak. lol. I just decided to add a few more characters to it, and make it more smutty and crazy and pointless! lol. There probly won't be a sequel as there is no plot! lol. So yeah. But I may or may not write something similer sum other random day when I get really totaly mega bored! lol. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed a bit of pointless smut! lol.