Author: Yunaine
Title: Tipsy Time Travel Tale
Words: Estimated at roughly 40,000
Rating: T
Status: Small Novel - WIP
Spoilers: All
Category: Humor/Adventure

Warnings: Verbal insulting, Ridiculous scenes, Character death, Presence of Luna, Parody (several characters will act OOC)

Main characters: Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood, ...
Pairing: Harry Potter & Luna Lovegood

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I do not own anything regarding that entire imagined universe.

Summary: Harry gets dragged back in time to change the future. He has no intention of taking anything lying down again and decides to have some fun. - Set during all Hogwarts school years; Harry Potter/Luna Lovegood; Parody

Beta: Ethiliam


Additional Notes:

Only ideas will be used from books six and seven. You can assume that none of the actions of those two books happened. Harry will also be displaying some decent power instead of his meagre wand skills.

Even though this is not a crossover fiction, the story will contain references to several other things. I will try to put all of them in the disclaimers at the end of the chapters.


Tipsy Time Travel Tale

1- Prologue


Harry had been abducted from his home half an hour ago and had been listening to a ridiculously powerful being ever since. He would have blasted it by now if he could, but his wandless magic didn't seem to work in this serene hospital-looking room. By now he was using most of his willpower to ignore Sugnudnum.

The being had not told Harry his name, so Harry had named the being himself. Since the being had many things in common with Mundungus, like appearance and smell, Harry had reversed the name. A stupid name for a stupid being. Harry really wished he could just blast it. After a few more minutes Sugnudnum finally stopped talking.

Harry blinked his eyes for a moment. He went over everything that had just been said and wanted to make sure he had interpreted everything correct.

"Let me get this straight." Harry put up an effort to smile.

"You - " Harry pointed at Sugnudnum.

" - want me - " Harry pointed at himself. He really wanted to get his interpretation through clear so sign language was of the utmost importance.

" - to go back in time - " Harry twirled his fingers around a bit, unsure of how to represent time travel.

" - because you found my Hogwarts years to be boring - " Harry mimicked a yawn and pretended to be asleep for a few seconds.

" - and you want to have more entertainment?" Harry finished incredulously and gritted his teeth.

"Absolutely," Sugnudnum said and clapped his hands. "I am glad you caught on so quickly. I thought it would have taken at least a couple of hours. It seems you are not as stupid as you look. I will leave your memory intact. Ready?"

"WAIT!" Harry yelled. "I did not agree to any of this. Are you bloody insane?"

Sugnudnum huffed. "Of course I am. If I wasn't insane when I took the job then I would be now. No living entity can stay sane while controlling Time. Paradoxes left, right and centre."

"You want me to live through my hellish school life on Earth again because you are bored and insane? No. Just ... no. Hell no."

"Oh come on Harry," Sugnudnum whined, something that looked out of place on a being as powerful as him. "Just look at your school years. You looked pathetic. So many possible solutions and you always took the most boring one. Can't you think of more ways to solve all of those things? Preferably a solution that is not boring. You'll even know what is coming so you will have an advantage."

"N - o," Harry mouthed slowly while waving his hands around. "Absolutely not."

The being looked sad and sighed. "Ah well. I tried the gentle approach. You seem to think you have a choice in the matter. I was just asking out of courtesy really. I am going to send you back anyway."

Harry glared at him. "If you send me back in time then I am going to make every ones life hell. No more Mr. Shy Guy. I'll be a whirlwind through Hogwarts. I will annoy everyone that I come across in every way that I can imagine."

"Fantastic!" Sugnudnum said. "That is just what I wanted. Have fun Harry! Do remember that I will be watching every step along the way."

Harry's eyes widened due to the shock. "Wait! I was joki - "

Harry's reply was cut off since time was turned back. Sugnudnum was grinning insanely, rubbing his hands in glee, and said, "I hope it will be more fun this time. That Tom person did not take well to being thrown back in time."

A richly decorated living room popped up out of nowhere. Sugnudnum threw himself in the couch and zapped on the big screen on the wall. It showed a small kid that was lying in a cupboard. The boy woke up a moment later. Sugnudnum grinned and conjured some popcorn. A second later a frown appeared on his face. He took the controller; he hit a button on it and a text appeared on the bottom of the screen for a few seconds. "Commercials disabled."


Harry lay in his bed. He refused to open his eyes. He already knew where he was by the smell of the place. The cupboard under the stairs, number four, Privet Drive, Little Whining, Surrey.

Harry whispered with a strained voice, "Someone is going to pay for this. No, strike that. Everyone is going to pay for this."

Harry shortly thought about making a plan but rejected the thought a moment later. 'That bastard probably wants me to make some sort of plan. Well, screw that. I'll make everything up as I go. Most plans are doomed to fail anyway.'

He opened the door of his cupboard and walked outside. It was already afternoon. He saw some gift-wrapping that was thrown aside in the living room, which meant that it was shortly after Dudley's birthday. 'Great, that arse ditched me right before the letters start arriving.' Harry walked outside and saw Vernon cursing at his car. The car was lifted up a bit and it looked like Vernon was trying to change the tire. Trying was the main philosophy there.

Vernon looked mad and he swung back his leg to kick the car. Harry raised an eyebrow. 'Is he really going to kick a car that is on a jack, which is incidentally completely unstable? How stupid can he get?' A second later, a smile formed on his face. 'I really shouldn't... Ah, why not?'

Just when Vernon's foot collided with the car, Harry used a bit of wandless magic to make sure the car fell down at that point. Before it fell on Vernon's toes, he made sure to add silencing and repelling wards around the area. Vernon's shriek when the car fell on his toes was like music in Harry's ears. 'He shrieks like a five year old girl that didn't get her ice-cream.'

Vernon was pushing and pulling at the car in a weak attempt to get it off his toes.

Harry decided to have some more fun at Vernon's expense and ran over to Vernon in the most dramatic way while waving his arms around in panic. "Uncle Vernon!" Harry gasped. "What happened?"

Vernon had never looked so pleased to see Harry. "Car. Toes. Hurt. Call. Ambulance," Vernon whispered with a strained voice.

Harry thought for a short moment and decided to see if he could take advantage of this. It would also display just how much brainpower Vernon had. "Oooohhh boy." Harry sighed. "If only I had some superpowers like those freaks on TV," Harry said wistfully. "Then I could just remove that car from your toes and heal them. Now they will probably need to be cut off. They might need to remove your leg!" Harry gasped while his eyes widened at reaching his conclusion.

Vernon paled while his eyes widened in shock. "No," Vernon whispered. "Not my leg."

'Oh boy. He cannot be that stu-'

"You have freakish powers! Petunia told me so, she said you are a wizard!" Vernon whispered dramatically. "I'm sure you can just throw that car off me like it was nothing. Then you could just repair my leg!"

'Yup. He really is that stupid. Throw the car off hmm? I can work with that. Although I should really make sure before I do anything.'

"Really?" Harry gasped. "I'm a wizard? Whooaaa... Do you think I can fly?" Harry asked eagerly.

"Bo - Harry," Vernon gasped. "Try to remove the car, it hurts... please?" Vernon whimpered the last bit.

"Oooowkeey Uncle Vernon. I'll do my best," Harry said while nodding eagerly. He figured it wouldn't hurt to let Vernon suffer a bit more and thus rubbed his fingers over his temple in a dramatic fashion to show that he was concentrating on the task.

Vernon whimpered again which broke Harry out of his concentration. Harry looked over at him in annoyance. "Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate here."

Harry saw Vernon clenching his teeth. 'I was wrong. He isn't stupid; he's a complete dolt.' Harry started again and did his best to cover up the grin on his face. After five-seconds he dramatically waved one of his hands and the car shot into the air with more wandless magic.

Vernon let out a gasp of relief.

However Vernon had not noticed that the car had not only moved upward, but also forward. This was completely accidental due to the uncontrolled magic of course. No ill intent at all. A car is meant to be in the garage anyway.


Oh. The garage door needed to be opened before putting the car in it. Oops.

Harry widened his eyes before looking over at Vernon. He blinked his eyes in pure innocence and his eyes glittered with unshed tears. "I really didn't mean to do that! I broke the garage door and damaged your car. You're going to lock me up again." Harry finished tearfully.

"Nooo," Vernon said while drawing out the o-sound. "Just try to fix my toes. The car doesn't matter, just fix my toes!"

Harry wiped out his fake tears with the sleeve of his over sized T-shirt and let out an audibly sniffle that he was sure Vernon heard. He got closer to Vernon and saw that his shoe was still intact. 'It's only a bruise. Sissy.' Harry waved his hands dramatically while he said nonchalantly, "I hope I don't remove your leg by accident this way. Who knows how my untrained powers could react."

Vernon's eyes widened again but before he could stop Harry, the pain in his foot was gone. Vernon snapped his head to his leg to see if it was still there. He kept running his hands over his leg as if it was the most revered possession he had.

Harry stood there in complete innocence. This really was none of his fault after all.

Vernon's head snapped over to Harry and, completely taking him by surprise, hugged him. "Thank you Harry, I don't know what I would have done without you," Vernon said.

'You would have called the garage to fix the tire instead of going through all this trouble,' Harry thought. He quickly removed the silencing and repelling wards around the driveway.

Vernon sighed and looked at his car. "I'll contact the garage to take care of this." Vernon disappeared inside moments later.

Harry saw one of the neighbours looking out the window at the car and the garage door while their eyes widened in shock. A few seconds later Harry heard a shriek from Petunia followed with indistinct shouting. He was very sure that Vernon had just told Petunia that the secret was out. Only the neighbours didn't know that. A car stuck in a garage door in combination with Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon shouting at each other. Harry decided that there was only one logical solution to draw for the nice neighbours and Harry decided to help them reach it.

He looked innocently at the neighbour and cocked back his head a bit while pretending to drink from a non-existing bottle. He then pointed at the car, then pointed at the intense argument inside and shook his head sadly with a sigh. The neighbour looked like Christmas had come early and Harry saw her picking up the telephone a second later. It would be news around the entire neighbourhood in a few minutes. Vernon really should cut back on the drinking.

'Take that Petunia, you gossip fossil!'


Harry decided that dropping a car on Vernon's toes was the best thing he had ever done. If he had known the reaction from incapacitating Vernon then he would have dropped an anvil on him a long time ago. Harry now lay in his new bed, which was positioned in his newly decorated room with loads of new stuff. It was still Dudley's old room but at least this time the room was completely remodelled.

It had been a few days since the unfortunate accident. Not only did he have a new room, but Vernon also left Harry alone from now on and he didn't even receive any more shores. After the incident, Petunia and Vernon had taken him aside to explain that he would be going to a boarding school where they taught magic.

Petunia and Dudley were giving him disapproving looks. They hadn't witnessed the awesomeness that was Harry yet. Therefore, Harry decided to help them along when he saw Dudley passing his new room with a depressed look on his face. Dudley had been depressed for a few days since he had heard that he would lose his toy-room.

Dudley took one step down the stairs and Harry used a bit of wandless magic to throw him off balance. Two-seconds later a moaning Dudley lay at the bottom of the stairs. Harry started humming a self invented anthem while waiting for it.

"DUDLEY," Harry heard Petunia shriek.

There it was. Harry's call sign. He immediately teleported to the bottom of the stairs, which led to Petunia shrieking again. Harry ignored her and waved his hands dramatically over Dudley. 'Vitals...check. No broken bones...check. No brain concussion...errr.' "He's fine." Harry stated.

Dudley finally mumbled in his most intelligent manner, "Hmwa?"

Harry suddenly grinned and pointed at Dudley. "See!" He walked into the living room a moment later while Petunia was smothering Dudley. Harry caught small parts off Petunia's whispering "I am not letting you out of my sight again. Poor Diddykins."

Harry's smile could have lit the entire neighbourhood for a few seconds. 'Poor Dudley. I only hope that they will leave me alone now.'


Harry's technique had worked perfectly. The entire Dursley family was leaving him alone. He had received his Hogwarts letter and his Uncle had told him to reply immediately to ensure his enrolment. Petunia had given him directions to the freaks pub, the Leaky Cauldron, which she remembered from Lily.

Harry saw Petunia talking to a neighbour on the front porch. He walked outside and overheard Petunia saying, "... Vernon did not crash our car!"

Harry quickly decided to seize the moment. "Aunt Petunia, I need to buy some school supplies but I don't have any money."

Petunia absentmindedly reached into her purse and gave Harry some money. She just continued her conversation as if she hadn't been interrupted. "My Vernon is not a drunk. I don't know who spread those ridiculous rumours. It was our nephew that was responsible for that."

Harry caught the neighbour's eye, started to roll his eyes at her while shaking his head in the direction of Petunia with a small sigh.

The neighbour kept Petunia's attention on her and nodded shortly at Harry. "Of course Petunia. Your nephew is responsible for crashing your car in the garage. I wasn't aware that he had his driver's license already," the neighbour responded in a patronising voice.

Harry grinned and quickly made his way back into the house before Petunia's mind caught up.


Harry had just finished breakfast and walked outside the front door to enjoy the rest of the day. He saw a very familiar cat with distinct markings sitting in the bushes nearby. The cat was looking at him intently. Harry looked away from the cat while musing, 'Hmmm... I really have to capture that cat. I'll just pretend to have forgotten something and hope that she is still there in a few moments.' Harry threw his hands up and ran back into the house a second later.

He quickly ran out the backdoor and approached the cat, which was still looking intently at the front door, from behind. He jumped at the cat and grabbed it by the neck. The cat hissed at Harry, but he merely grabbed it closer into a hug. "What a cute little kitty!" A few seconds later, he sniffed at the cat. "Whoah, you really smell." Harry saw the eyes of the cat narrow in indignation.

"No worries my beautiful little kitty. I'll give you a bath!" The look of shock on the cat's face would forever be imprinted in his mind. He quickly made his way to the bathroom while the cat was trying to get out of his embrace. Harry was doing his very best to keep his concerned face on instead of collapsing in laughter.

He filled the tub halfway so he could put the cat in comfortably without drowning it. The cat was still hissing at him while trying to get away from him.

"Harry? What are you doing in there?" Harry heard Petunia asking.

Harry looked at the cat and whispered, "You'd better be quiet or she might cook you for dinner." The cat slumped in defeat a second later.

"I had something stuck in my teeth so I'm brushing them again Aunt Petunia."

"Don't take too long!" Harry heard Petunia leaving a moment later.

Taking advantage of the distraction Harry quickly dunked the cat underwater. It seemed that the dislike of water was not that noticeable for a cat animagus in comparison to a real cat. Harry threw in some soap and started washing the cat. 'If only I could take some photos for blackmail purposes later on.' Harry sighed at the missed opportunity. He would have to buy the equivalent of a muggle camera in the Magical World when he went shopping.

A few moments later, a thought struck him that would make sure that he shared this little prank with other people. It would be inhumane to keep this to himself. It just wasn't right.

He quickly dried the cat, grabbed it again and ran outside. It wasn't really his fault that the cat was still covered with a bit of soap. "I can't keep you but I just realised that I know someone who can. You will fit right in sweetie!"

As Harry approached the house of Mrs. Figg, the cat started struggling again to get away from Harry. Harry refused to let go though. He rang the bell and waited.

Mrs. Figg opened the door a few moments later. "Hello Harry. How -

Harry saw Mrs. Figg looking at the cat he had in his arms. Her lips started twitching a bit. Harry decided to start his acting again.

He spoke quickly. "Hello Mrs. Figg. I found this little kitty at my house. It smelled weird so I cleaned it up a bit. Then I realised that my relatives hate cats because Aunt Marge likes dogs. Can you keep the little kitty?" Harry blinked his eyes innocently at Mrs. Figg to sway her to his master plan.

Mrs. Figg's lips twitched again. Her voice cracked when she started speaking, "Yo ... you bathed the err cat?"

Harry nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, ma'am. The kitty struggled a bit but I managed. I really should stop calling it a kitty though. How can you tell whether it's male or female?"

Mrs. Figg's eyes nearly popped out. She quickly replied, "Now now Harry. Let us just give it a meaningful name that suits both genders. We wouldn't want to invade its privacy."

"Ok...hmmm... How about... Bubbles!" Harry stated proudly.

The cat quickly meowed in approval just to get out of the situation. Harry grinned at Bubbles and hugged the cat again. Mrs. Figg looked like she was ready to collapse on the floor. She remembered the earlier question and quickly responded, "I'll take Bubbles in. I'm certain that Bubbles will fit right in with my other cats."

"Thank you Mrs. Figg! I have to get back home for lunch now." Harry stated and a few moments later Mrs. Figg closed the door again with Bubbles in her arms. Harry took his time to walk away and heard laughter a few moments after closing the door.


The next day Harry decided to go shopping for his supplies. He put up a notice-me-not charm and teleported straight to Diagon Alley. He walked into the bank and felt the charm fading away by the protections of the bank. He was glad that he had put some muggle make up on his scar since that didn't fade away. He looked around and saw that all the goblins were busy.

Harry looked at one of the goblins critically and raised an eyebrow when he realised something. Harry had become proficient in the art of Legilimency during his last two years at Hogwarts and had taken much information from the minds of students. It wasn't exactly legal but the decision was easily made. Learning everything on his own equalled days or months of work. Learning everything from mind reading equalled minutes of work. If someone had caught him then he would have just blamed it on Dumbledore for setting the bad example anyway.

One of the goblins was finally free and Harry immediately approached it. Harry leaned forward a bit and whispered to the goblin, "Where do you keep the Mogwai?"

The goblin asked in confusion, "Mogwai?"

"Yes, Mogwai... You know, like Gizmo?"

"Gizmo?" the goblin asked in more confusion.

Harry leaned closed and whispered, "The-Fur-Ball-Who-Must-Not-Be-Watered-And-Never-Fed-After-Midnight."

"I am sorry, sir. I have no idea what you are talking about."

Harry thought he noticed a slight waver in the goblins voice, but decided not to question it any further. "Hmmm... I lost my key a few days ago, could you make a new one and destroy the old one?"

The goblin let his teeth show for a moment while looking menacingly at Harry. "That depends on who you are."

"Harry James Potter."

"All right Mr. Potter. Follow me. You will have to go through a small process to ensure that you are who you say you are."

Harry followed the goblin into a nearby chamber. A few minutes later Harry held the new key in his hands. The goblin also informed him that he owned another vault, but could not withdraw from it until he was twenty-five. One of the Potters had set the age limit when an ignorant child had nearly squandered away the entire fortune by making childish decisions. There was no key for that vault since you only had to be a twenty-five year old Potter heir. Physical keys could be stolen while that magic could not be broken.

He had also received a piece of paper that he could only activate with a tap of his wand. The goblins told him it was his fan mail in a categorised manner.

The goblin took Harry to his trust vault mere moments later. While he was withdrawing some money, he noticed an old dusty trunk in the back of the vault. He walked towards it and opened it carefully. The trunk contained his parents' belongings from when they went to school. Not only did it contain schoolbooks, quills, ink and parchment, but it also contained a couple of picture albums.

Harry quickly paged through the albums and realised that there were pictures in there from his parents' childhood through their Hogwarts years. He found it strange that there were no pictures of them after they had graduated from Hogwarts. The only reason he could think of was that it might be some strange family tradition to leave such a trunk in his trust vault. He put the albums back in there, closed the lid and shrunk it. He put it in his pocket a moment later.

When Harry and the goblin arrived back in the bank, he saw a very large familiar figure looking a tad greenish from the trip. Harry grinned at the goblin. "Did you know that muggles have something called roller-coasters?" Harry asked in a loud voice so Hagrid would overhear him. "Roller-coasters can go at least twice as fast as these train carts! They also have loops so you go upside down a few times."

Harry had never seen Hagrid move so quickly to get out of the bank. He saw the goblin grin insanely as well. Harry made his way out of the bank since he had concluded his business here.

He saw Hagrid sitting on the lower steps. 'Let's remove that little obstacle.' He quickly put a notice-me-not charm around him and summoned a stone to him that lay on the ground. He transfigured it into a duplicate Philosopher's Stone, as well as he could still remember it from his first year. Afterwards he did a switching spell on the real one in Hagrid's pocket. Harry looked at the real stone for a moment, shrugged and then put it inside his pocket. 'Why go through all those defences when you can nick it during transportation...'

Harry made his way into Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions to get some Hogwarts clothing. He entered the shop and heard Madam Malkin talking to a familiar blond person. "Just a minute longer." Harry walked over to them in full confidence and waited until the shopkeeper was done.

Harry heard the door to the shop open and close again. He looked behind him and saw Lisa Turpin and her mother entering the store. It seemed that Malfoy just couldn't resist showing off.

"Who are you?" Malfoy drawled and sneered at him.

"Bond," Harry said with a straight face. "James Bond." Lisa's mother smiled at him while Lisa seemed to be having a coughing fit.

Malfoy raised his nose a bit. "I've never heard of the Bond family."

Harry just looked at Malfoy with a blank expression that radiated 'So what?'. Malfoy finally lost his patience, sneered at him and said, "I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."

"Hello Miss. Malfoy," Harry replied with a straight face. Harry enjoyed how Malfoy's face started turning red from anger. He decided to take it a step further since Malfoy was still in shock. He quickly took Malfoy's hand and kissed it in an elegant way. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

'Wait for it...'

"I AM NOT A GIRL YOU INCOMPETENT TWIT!" Malfoy shouted a second later. Harry heard the door opening behind him again and saw Narcissa Malfoy entering the shop. He only noticed her by looking into a mirror; Draco hadn't noticed her yet.

"Not a girl? That's impossible. You are dressed in a robe, your hair looks as if you spent two hours on it this morning and your voice sounds very feminine," Harry said innocently.

Lisa apparently decided to play along. "Two hours?" She gasped. "I don't even spend that much time on my hair."

Malfoy was turning a darkish purple colour. What amazed Harry the most was that he could see Narcissa's eyes in the mirror and they contained mirth. He looked at Malfoy again and asked, "Are you quite sure that you aren't a girl? Can your parents confirm that?"

Before Malfoy could respond, Narcissa spoke up. "He did have something between his legs when he was born. Is that enough proof?"

Malfoy turned to his mother in shock, "Mother!"

"Be silent Draco. You deserve nothing less. Yelling like some commoner for the entire street to hear. I wonder what your father will have to say about that." Malfoy paled a bit and suddenly stayed silent. "Your manners are atrocious. You don't even have the decency to introduce me to the young Mister here."

"Mo -

"Quiet!" Narcissa interrupted Malfoy. She turned to Harry and looked in his eyes. Harry frowned when he saw a small smile on her face. Before saying anything, she turned back to Malfoy. "Wait outside Draco. We will be getting your wand later today."

Harry would have bet money on Malfoy protesting, but to his utter astonishment Malfoy left without a word. A second after the door closed he heard a whisper from Narcissa. "Lily's boy..."

His head snapped over to Narcissa in shock. "I wondered what you looked like. You have James' hair and nose but everything else reminds me of Lily." This shocked Harry even more since everyone always compared him to his father.

"I knew Lily from Hogwarts. She was a brilliant witch. I hope you have inherited her intelligence and not James'. He was a delinquent when I was still at school but I suppose he grew up. Lily would not have been with him otherwise. I lost contact with her due to the war." Narcissa's eyes reflected a touch of sadness, but it was gone a moment later. "It was a pleasure to have met you Mr. Potter." She left the store a moment later.

Harry looked around and noticed that the shopkeeper and the Turpin family had turned away from the small monologue Narcissa had with him. He suspected that Narcissa might have confunded them when he was too shocked to notice. He hadn't even been able to say anything himself. He sighed and walked over to Madam Malkin.

When he was close to her she asked, "The usual Hogwarts uniform?"

Harry thought about it for a moment. "No. I'm not going to wear a robe. Do you have anything different?"

Madam Malkin looked shocked for a moment. "I'm afraid that all Hogwarts uniforms are robes."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I am not going to dress like a girl. Can you make me something that looks male or should I shop in the muggle world?"

"Your list is very clear Mr. Potter. Three sets of plain work robes in black."

Harry's eyes narrowed a bit before he loosened up again. He responded cheerfully, "You are right of course. Three sets of plain work robes please."

Madam Malkin looked at him with narrowed eyes while wondering what he was thinking now. Harry decided to humour her and mumbled, "As long as it doesn't state anywhere that I can't change them then its fine with me."

Harry left the shop a couple of moments later with the new clothes. He threw another notice-me-not charm and quickly stuffed the clothing into the trunk. He then went into the Magical Menagerie and bought Hedwig a moment later. She was a very loyal owl so he definitely needed her. After that, he made a couple of quick stops at the bookstore and potions store to buy all the necessary school stuff. He also managed to buy a Magical Camera to take moving pictures quickly. It cost a lot, but the price would be worth it. The last stop on his list was getting a wand.

He didn't need a wand anymore since he could do everything wandlessly for some time now. Too bad that he required a wand to avoid suspicion and he really didn't want that brother wand to fall into the wrong hands. He also didn't want anyone to know that he had it though. Harry left the shop half an hour later with his holly wand. A very confused Ollivander, who could not remember ever creating a brother wand to Voldemort's, remained behind.

It was getting dark outside and he noticed that most shops had closed up. He didn't remember it being that dark on his previous trip. Nevertheless, this wasn't his previous trip anyway, things were changing and Harry didn't care. He walked through the deserted alley and saw Gringotts in the dark. He noticed that the lights were flickering inside and Harry got closer to see what was happening inside. When he finally got close enough, he heard singing...

"Ta ta tadada, ta ta tadada
Ta ta tadada, ta

Start countin' the gold, I'm workin' today
I want to own a part of it, Gringotts, Gringotts

These assets we hold are begging to stay
Right from the very start of it, Gringotts, Gringotts

I wanna work inside a bank that makes profit
And find I'm head employee of the unit

These families of old, are starting to die
I'll claim a vast part of it, for old Gringotts

If I can claim it here, I'll claim it anywhere
It's all for you, Gringotts, Gringotts"

Harry heard the music picking up. He was staring at the front door of Gringotts in pure disbelief.

"Gringotts, Gringotts

I wanna work inside a bank that always profits
And find I'm T-galleon-one, top of the pile,
Head employee, T-galleon-one

These families of old, are starting to die
I'm gonna claim a vast part of it, for old Gringotts

A-a-a-nd if I can claim it here, I'm gonna claim it anywhere
It's all for you, Gringotts, Gringotts


Harry's eye twitched for a moment. A few seconds later...

"Cha cha cha cha cha CHAaa,

Cha cha cha cha cha CHAaa,

Cha cha cha cha -"

Harry quickly shook his head to clear it and teleported himself to Privet Drive. He would do his very best to erase the last five minutes of his life from his memory.


Harry woke up the next day and remembered that he had forgotten to take care of a few things.

He first took his holly wand and snapped it. He took out the Phoenix feather and put it aside. 'What to take as core... Aha!' He eyed Hedwig for a second and after receiving permission he quickly took a feather from her. Several minutes later his new holly wand with a snowy owl core was finished. He had also added some markings on the wand itself. They looked really ancient and purposeful but they actually didn't do a single thing.

He took the Philosopher's Stone out of the clothes he wore yesterday. 'Where to hide an object of immortality and wealth...' Harry cracked a grin a few seconds later and made his way downstairs. He opened the cupboard and put the Philosopher's Stone and the Phoenix feather on the ground in a small and dark corner. A moment later that corner was under a small Fidelius charm.

He made his way back upstairs and took out the piece of parchment from the goblins. He activated the parchment with his wand and stared at it for a few minutes. The paper showed names in combination with numbers. The number was the amount of owls they had sent to him. He could access the mails by tapping his wand on the name and scroll through the pages.

"Romilda Vane, 342 letters. Ginny Weasley, 314 letters. Pa-" Harry's eye got a small twitch. 'Right... Prioritise Harry... The top five are psycho bitches to avoid at all cost. The rest of the top fifty are possible stalkers. I am so not accepting anything from anyone on this list.' He quickly moved through the list and removed nearly everything from it. He really wasn't going to read stuff from people he didn't even know. He finally got to the name "Luna Lovegood, 1 letter."

Intrigued by what the spaced out girl had to say, he tapped his wand to the number, which opened the parchments.

A girl's handwriting was displayed. "Welcome Back Harry Potter."

Harry's eye twitched again. He was starting to develop a tic this morning. 'There is absolutely no way...' He fooled around with the parchment a bit and finally managed to retrieve the date it arrived at Gringotts. 'The day after I got back...' Harry's eye didn't stop twitching for several minutes.


To Be Continued...


Additional Notes

Disclaimer: I do not own 'James Bond' and 'Gremlins'. I rewrote the song 'New York New York' from 'Frank Sinatra'; I obviously do not own the original.

Thank you Ethiliam for taking your time to go through all my insanity again!