Was I the only one bothered by this in the last episode "The he in the she"?
It was only twenty dollars. Twenty dollars and now I'm sitting in New Jersey against the side of a building, holding onto the molding with everything I have to keep me from setting foot on the crudely patterned carpet.
The trigger was that stupid twenty dollars. Why hadn't anyone stopped me? They know that I have a problem and yet they didn't stop me from throwing it out there. I mean, the bet was with my therapist of all people. He of anyone should have stopped me from opening my wallet, but no. He saw it and raised.
I want to reach for my phone, but I'm afraid that if I let go of this wall then the gravity force of the slot machines ringing and the clatter of coins hitting the metal basin below will draw me in like the devil luring souls into damnation. The sad thing is that this is not the worst I've been in my life. I have been lower than this.
I am chanting to myself to cope and overcome; praying to god to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I fear that God has given up on helping me. The fact that I drove all night to get here without one iota of my conscience kicking in and telling me to turn around and go home was the final straw.
The sun began climbing on the horizon about an hour ago and it burns my face like the truth of my situation burns my soul. When I finally started taking classes in the program I was repentant for my sins and hoped for a better future. I took it day by day and climbed my way out of the ditch I had made for myself. After years of being okay with my addiction and coming to terms with the kind of person I had become after the war, I became cocky, arrogant. I thought it was funny at first, making other people believe this persona was the real Seeley Booth. But that persona; it made the fall from greatness that much worse.
Now I sit shattered in an alleyway of Atlantic City. I need help and I can't bring myself to ask for it just yet. Slowly, I crawl through the alley toward the boardwalk. It must look very strange to outsiders seeing a well dressed and clean shaven man crawling away from a casino, then again, maybe there is a guy like me crawling away from temptation every day and they recognize the path of redemption.
I should be proud of myself in reality. I came all this way overnight and still managed to not step foot inside. That is what Bones would say. At least I didn't go inside. I had enough willpower to not actually give in.
Reaching the wooden planks, and the sound of the clanging machines now a distant rumbling in my ears, I stand and walk wearily up the ramp toward the ocean. The sea air. I feel dirty. I betrayed myself and my partner and most of all I betrayed my son. I was severely mistaken in thinking that I was cured. Addiction is addiction and there is no way to relieve yourself of it. If you don't keep your mind on it all day everyday, it will seep back into your life and bring you to your knees.
I walk toward the ramp to the beach and make my way down into the soft sand and feel the morning breeze take me over. I can feel God's love at this moment and I know that he has not abandoned me. I smile and tears come to my eyes to once again be reassured that he will never leave my side; only I can leave his. Walking to the water's edge, shed my coat and reach into my pocket for my phone.
The ringing stops and I hear her voice on the other side, "Booth? Where are you? You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago."
"Bones," I said, my voice sounding a lot more beaten up that I thought it would.
"Oh God." I hear her gasp, "Are you okay? Where are you?" I can hear the worry in her voice and I look toward the heavens and send up a silent prayer of thanks for her being allowed in my life.
I am at an all time low, and I cannot hold onto my pride as my voice cracks and tears begin to fall, "I need help, Temperance." I say, terrified that she will think less of me, "I'm in New Jersey."