Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!

A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. There will be homage paid in a future chapter. (wink wink!)

Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn.

Chapter 1 – Fredrick's of Hollywood, vampire style

The wedding was only a couple weeks away. Esme and Alice seemed to have spent every waking minute of their time planning the tiniest of details. Too often I had been forced to watch, listen, or participate in some way.. I was already exhausted and the big day wasn't even on the horizon yet. About the only thing I didn't have was cold feet – I couldn't wait to be Mrs. Edward Cullen, though the process I would have to go through to get that title made me extremely anxious.

Jasper, Emmett and a reluctant Edward were leaving for the day to hunt. Edward begged and pleaded with them to hunt closer to home so he could quickly return to my side (I'm sure he was desperately hanging on to every last human moment possible), but they along with Rosalie & Alice somehow convinced him that a day trip would be good for both of us. I wasn't sure I completely agreed with that logic, but Alice had promised me a day of sisterly fun – just us girls. She had winked when she said this, so I could only imagine what she had in mind. Carlisle was working a double at the hospital, and Esme was nowhere to be found – apparently she was out shopping for more wedding stuff.

As I heard Edward's Volvo race away, Alice and Rosalie approached me from the kitchen. I didn't like the look on their faces.

"So, dear sister! Our first day of womanly bonding has begun!" Alice trilled, skipping up to me and resting her dark head on my shoulder. "Aren't you excited to have a girl's day with us?"

I watched Rosalie warily. I trusted her expressions much more then Alice's to reveal what I was in for. But today she just smiled at me – maybe a little too smugly.

"Umm….sure," I responded, putting as much excitement into my voice as possible.

Alice raised her head, giving me a pouty look. "Dear sister, you don't seem happy. You'd rather be alone while your love is out hunting then with us?"

"No! I love spending time with you!" I suddenly felt guilty for not playing along. After all, what was the worst that could happen? A complete makeover? More wedding planning? A trip to the mall? The sun was starting to creep out from the clouds, so thankfully shopping was out.

Rosalie held out her hand to me. "Come on Bella, we promise you'll have fun." Her tone was much too nice.

I sighed. "So what's on the agenda?" I asked.

Alice's expression changed back to one of excitement. "Rose and I are going to formally introduce you to the Cullen family!"

Uh-oh. That didn't sound good. "But I already know all of you." My attempt at humor fell on deaf ears.

"No silly, we need to make sure you're up to speed on everything Cullen before the big day!" Alice's tone began to scare me a little.

"Think of it as…" Rosalie paused, twirling a piece of her perfect hair around a perfectly manicured finger. "Initiation into the club? Only in a female sort of way." Now I was really scared. I was going to get hazed into the family?

Alice gave Rosalie an annoyed look. "Don't worry Bella, it's not anything bad! We're just going to chit-chat about anything and everything. Maybe play dress-up…watch a chick flick?" I was still suspicious.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Trust us Bella. You'll like it!" She gently took my arm opposite of Alice. They both steered me towards the stairs.

"Do we start in Edward's bedroom?" Alice asked.

"Nah, let's start in yours," Rosalie replied.

"Why can't we do whatever it is that we're going to do in the living room?" My question was utterly ignored. I gulped in terror, imagining more torturous beauty regimens in Alice's bathroom. Of the two, I think I preferred Edward's room. But what could we possibly be doing in there?

Once in Alice and Jasper's room, my two future sister-in-laws hopped gracefully onto the gigantic bed. Alice giggled and patted the mattress, motioning for me to join them.

"I hope you recently washed the comforter," Rose mumbled softly.

Alice elbowed her and shot her a disparaging look.

"Come on Bella! Let's talk," Alice chanted. I did my best to hop up on the bed with some sort of casual grace, but I almost rolled into the iron bed frame. The bed was dangerously soft.

Alice giggled again as she and Rosalie watched me right myself. I turned to face them, sitting cross-legged and tucking my arms around my stomach. I braced myself for whatever they had in store for me.

"So Bella, Rose and I thought we should have a girl-to-girl talk with you since you'll be marrying our charming brother very soon," Alice began. Rosalie started to smirk. "It has come to our attention that as a blushing bride, you might need a little...guidance for your wedding night." Dear God, it was worse then I thought.

"Alice, I've been through sex-ed," I grumbled, feeling my face grow hot. I was pretty sure Edward hadn't said anything to Alice about our plans. She must have seen something in her visions. How embarrassing!

"But there are some things they just can't teach you in a classroom," Alice responded, ridiculously happy. Rosalie continued to smirk.

I stared at both of them, not knowing how to respond as my face grew hotter. I wanted to bolt from the room and run home, but I had a sinking suspicion that one or both of them would drag me back kicking and screaming.

"Don't worry Bella, we're just trying to help. Besides, who knows better then us what Edward likes?" Alice chirped.

"That didn't come out exactly right," Rosalie mumbled to Alice. I was too mortified to care.

Alice rolled her eyes at Rosalie. "Let me put it this way. It'll be Edward's first time too, and knowing him he'll over-analyze everything to the point where he completely kills the mood. We're just going to help you help him forget everything but you!"

"Most guys don't need this much help in that department, but you never know with Edward," added Rosalie.

"And we Cullen women have a reputation to uphold!"

I was starting to feel ill. "What exactly do you mean by a reputation?" I asked warily.

"All three of us take great pride in our unique and tantalizing seduction skills. We're terribly charming, creative, adventurous," Alice was ticking these attributes off on her fingers in a very matter-of-fact way.

My jaw dropped. "You mean Esme too?"

"Oh yes. In some ways she and Carlisle are much more risqué then us," Rosalie clarified.

"Flexibility, stamina, oral talents..." Alice kept ticking.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. Apparently, Alice's ability to see the future meant that Edward and I would get no privacy whatsoever. And even if she wasn't already watching our wedding night play out in her mind, I'm sure Jasper would complain loudly if either of us came back in less then jubilant moods.

"Don't worry Bella, it's not as bad as you think! Let's start with the lingerie." Alice and Rosalie jumped off the bed and disappeared into her closet.

They quickly reappeared with armfuls of boxes from stores whose names I couldn't begin to pronounce. Most of them looked French. They set them on the bed and Alice began pulling out unspeakable things. The first article was red and satin and there seemed to be some sort of straps coming out of way too many places. She held it up.

"How about this?"

I wasn't sure what to say, because I had no idea what it was supposed to – cover. My expression must have given my confusion away, because Alice reached over to hold it up against Rosalie's torso.

"I think you should try it on. Though I'm not sure if you'll look better in red or blue," Alice debated as she studied the skimpy piece.

"Alice, that thing is see-through! I'm not putting it on!" I whined. I was still trying to figure out what the straps at the bottom were for.

"It's only see-through in the bust," commented Alice, who began digging through another box. She pulled out a similar piece that was royal blue, this time holding it up to herself.

"Come on Bella, just try it on. I think it'll look great on you!" Rosalie nodded in agreement.

I cringed at the thought and felt my stomach lurch. I was seriously worried that I might throw up. "No," I said flatly.

Alice sighed loudly, then began digging through another box. Tissue paper went flying everywhere. Finally, she seemed to find what she was looking for. She held up something in black lace that appeared to be underwear, only much skimpier then I had ever seen. Also, there seemed to be part of it missing. "How about this instead?"

"Umm…what is that?" I didn't have to work very hard to play dumb.

"Crotchless panties!"

"Oh no, I am not wearing that!" My face flushed brighter as I prayed that the floor would suddenly open up and swallow me.

"Come on, Edward will love them!" protested Alice. She flung them at me with a wicked grin. "You've got to wear something other then an old t-shirt and sweats on your honeymoon!"

I buried my head in my lap, trying to hide anyway I could as I thought about Alice knowing about my typical evening wear on the nights Edward slept over at my house. The realization that I had no privacy for even my most intimate moments with my future husband had my stomach in knots. I had never been so thoroughly embarrassed in my life.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Rosalie asked.

"Alice knows way too much," I muttered.

"Well, there are no secrets in this family.?" Alice said sympathetically. "Which is why we know better then anyone what Edward likes. Don't be embarrassed - we're only trying to help both of you!"

I sighed dejectedly. Maybe she was right. I could probably use some better pajamas, but there was no way I was ever going to try on the crotchless underwear, especially in front of Alice & Rosalie.

"Fine. Do you have anything a little more – conservative?" I lifted my head warily.

"Um, the point of lingerie is not to be conservative," Alice chided. "Remember, you want him on his knees, begging for mercy before you even start to get to the good stuff."

"She already has him on his knees. All he has to do is think of her scent." Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean." Alice started digging through the boxes again, this time pulling out a white negligee with feathery edges. "How about this?"

"Better," I said sourly.

"Go try it on." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me off the bed, marching me into her closet. I gave up trying to fight her – at least this latest piece covered a lot more.

I was forced to try on a dizzying number of outfits, most of them embarrassingly skimpy. Rosalie and Alice didn't seem to be bothered in the least, both by my blushing reactions or the lack of coverage. They scrutinized every piece, commenting on colors, styles, and of course Edward's anticipated reaction. As I continued to try them on, Alice had begun making two piles – presumably ones they liked on me and ones they didn't. One of the racier pieces that thankfully fell into the rejected pile was scooped up by Rosalie.

"I like this one – if Bella doesn't want it, I think I'll keep it. Emmett loves these lacey teddies."

"Rose, that won't fit you," Alice muttered.

"We'll see about that," she replied. I tried to erase the thought of Rose squeezing into something that was already barely there, and Emmett's reaction to her squeezing in or out of said teddy.

When we finally finished, Alice clapped her hands in delight and began folding and boxing the pile of keepers while I got dressed as quickly as possible. I had never missed my jeans and sweater so much in my life.

I shuffled to Alice's bed and collapsed face first, completely drained. I only got a moment's worth of peace before I felt Rosalie and Alice pulling me back up off the bed.

"Now let's go up to Edward's room!" sang Alice gleefully. I groaned loudly. After being succumbed to the humiliating experience of having my future sister-in-laws so thoroughly involved in my wedding night attire, I could only imagine what else they had in store for me.

I'm still looking for betas if anyone's interested! Please be kind enough to leave a review – good or bad! Reviews will help shape future chapters (and trust me, things only go downhill from here...)