Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!
A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Thanks for the "details" added to Chapter 3!
Thanks again to my awesome beta RMCC!
Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn.
Chapter 6 – Lessons well learned
The tension in Edward's room was slowly draining from the combination of Jasper's talents and Esme's comforting embrace. My face had almost returned to a non-red state since it appeared that my torment would soon be over. I was so focused on Esme that I had nearly forgotten that we were still missing someone.
"Where's Edward?" This time it was Esme who asked the million dollar question. His absence was extremely odd to say the least. I couldn't believe he hadn't caught a glimpse of the day's activities in someone's head.
Jasper gave Emmett an ominous look.
"We sent him on some wedding errands, and told him not to spy on any of us or he'd ruin some of the surprises for the wedding," Jasper explained calmly. Edward's unusual absence was finally explained.
"Wonder what he'd say if he realized the surprises were a little different then he thought," Emmett whispered loudly, giving Rosalie a sultry look.
Alice's face went blank, then her whole body twitched unexpectedly. "Uh oh…" she muttered before quickly burying her head in Jasper's chest.
Her reaction was interpreted to mean only one thing. Edward must be home.
"Time to bail!" Emmett whisked Rosalie quickly off the bed and out of the room, leaving Esme standing bewildered next to the door. Before she could blink, Alice and Jasper fled the room too.
Out of nowhere my savior appeared in the doorway. It was like I was seeing him for the first time – his hair was slightly tousled, but he looked absolutely breathtaking in his jeans and sweater. I was so unbelievably happy to see him that I almost missed the apprehensive look on his face as he glanced at Esme first, then me. His eyes were smoldering topaz, but not with the usual yearning I was accustomed to when he dazzled me.
"Why are everyone's thoughts suddenly – preoccupied with..." Edward trailed off, not finishing his thought. "Rosalie is reciting the Kelley Blue Book values for all Daimler-Chrysler vehicles." His eyes unfocused. "Emmett keeps insisting he's not Mike Damone. Jasper is…" Edward flinched and grimaced sharply. "Ugh, Phoebe Cates, topless. Alice has to love that." His eyes finally turned back towards me. "And Alice is translating a Victoria's Secret catalog into Swahili. What in the hell is going on around here?"
I was speechless and redder then a tomato yet again. If this day was any indicator of what my life was going to be like as a Cullen, then I might as well prepare to look permanently sunburned once I moved in. Edward finally looked away from me and gazed at Esme for a few seconds. "You're hiding something. Since when are you interested in the geo-political history of Persia?"
She gave her favorite son a thousand-watt smile and ignored his question. "Bella's been waiting for you." She reached out to touch Edward affectionately on the arm before she exited the room, leaving me to fend for myself.
Edward slowly turned to look back at me, but remained frozen in the doorway. He unleashed the full power of his gaze, probing at me with his ocher stare. It seemed that he was waiting for me to explain myself, but he must have forgotten that I was unable to speak when being so thoroughly dazzled. I held my breath in anticipation.
We stared each other down for what felt like hours, until he finally sighed loudly and glanced away. "Bella, breathe please."
Unleashed from his stare, I inhaled sharply, almost panting to catch my breath. I held my stomach and bent down towards the bed, avoiding his eyes until I regained control.
When I finally was able to look up again, his eyes were unfocused. "Now they're all thinking about someone named Mark Ratner. Who's he?"
I fought back a giggle that tickled my throat. If I didn't distract him quickly, one of my future siblings was bound to give us all away. Suddenly, I didn't want Edward to know the gory details of my initiation into his family. But I still wanted him to save me and give me something to think about besides sex-ed Cullen-style.
"Edward," I said softly. He was at my side in a heartbeat, standing next to the bed and gently pulling me over to him. He cupped my face in his cold palms, his amber eyes searching mine.
"How was your day?" he asked quietly. "More wedding preparations?"
I nodded. It was safer not to qualify his statement at that particular moment.
"I missed you." He kissed my forehead and each cheek, but then he paused unexpectedly.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Edward pulled away and stared at me curiously. "Alice is parading every romantic image she can think of through her mind. All the things she thinks I like. Emmett is trying to imagine how Led Zepplin's Kashmir would sound performed by a symphony orchestra. And Esme keeps telling me to kiss you." He studied my face. "Why were all of you in my bedroom when I got home?"
I had to get his mind off of everyone else's mind quickly, or we were dead. I threw my arms around his neck and planted my lips on his, doing my very best to distract him and wash away the all too vivid memories of the day.
He was quickly up on the bed with me, smothering me with kisses. We were so completely engrossed with one another that neither of us sensed someone else in the room. The first indication that we were not alone was a piece of clothing landing suspiciously on our heads.
Before Edward could pull away from our embrace, I felt something light, yet with hard edges ricochet off of Edward's back and brush against my hand. Another similar object, only slightly larger grazed my shoulder. I felt Edward slowly rise, looking utterly confused and distracted. He reached up to pull the garment off of his head, holding it out slightly so we could both see it. It was black and lacy. I sucked in my breath sharply as I realized what it was.
"Don't forget what we taught you today Bella!" Alice sang from the bedroom doorway, before slamming it shut. Then I heard different, unfamiliar voices – definitely not my future in-laws.
"Did they just turn on a movie?" Edward asked as he continued to push himself up and away from me, studying the skimpy underwear that had been flung at us.
I turned from underneath him to glance up towards the TV. The movie was on again, cued back up to the lunchroom scene for the second time. As I reached over to prop myself up, my hand landed on one of the light, hard objects that had also been thrown at us. I cringed as I realized what it was.
Edward looked back at me smugly. "Care to explain why we've been pelted with crotchless underwear and condoms, and why Fast Times at Ridgemont High is playing on my DVD player?"
I pinched my lips together, refusing to answer. Maybe I'd be saved by the random thoughts of the others again.
"And in case you're wondering, they're all thinking the same thing. Ask Bella. So I'm asking." The smirk on his face contradicted his quasi-serious tone.
Now I was in quite a predicament. My gut reaction was to cry war and rat them all out. But who would ultimately end up feeling ridiculed and embarrassed? Me. I had to beat them at their own game, but how? Snitching wasn't the answer.
The incredulous look on Edward's face gave me an idea. Obviously he didn't seem very upset by the sudden pelting. In fact he looked like he was secretly enjoying it. Was he waiting for me to freak out like all of the other times earlier that day?
I simply had no more modesty left. If I couldn't beat them or find any solace in my embarrassment, then I might as well join them. After all, I too would be a Cullen in just a couple of weeks, and like my sisters said, I had a reputation to uphold.
"You're in for one hell of a wedding night," I purred seductively in Edward's ear before pulling him back down to me.
I could hear the laughter coming from outside of his room – even Esme's.
So as of now, the hazing of Bella is done…but you never know what other hyjinxes could erupt before the wedding in the House of Cullen…
For more pre-wedding adventures, check out "Music Lessons".