xJigs to Tokyo Driftx Hello readers, to chapter 5 of My Studded Prince! I hope you guys are enjoying this as much as I am. Why don't we figure out what the heck is going on in Ichi's head, eh?
I couldn't help but feel irritated as Kouji brushed me off. He knew just as well as I did that I had basically gave him a slap in the face yesterday, making him watch me and Yuuki, but he was acting as though it didn't matter to him. Like he had never admitted his feelings to me.
You can't change something like that, no matter what you do. Feelings of love for someone just don't vanish. But who am I to tell him that? I would only end up being a hypocrite.
"How are these?" Kouji asked, turning around to look at me. I looked his form up and down quickly, seeing him in one of my green T-shirts and black gym shorts. I only shrugged, turning away and heading for my door.
"Where are you going?" He called after me.
"Bathroom." I replied bluntly, not bothering to turn my head as I opened the door and closed it behind me. I did go to the bathroom, though Nature's Call was not my reasoning for picking that destination. I just wanted to be alone for a little bit, a few minutes to myself to think things through. What better place to go than the bathroom?
I entered the small, white tiled room and gently closed the door behind me, flipping the silver lock into the locked position. The smell of Lysol lingered in the air, and I concluded that Mother must have cleaned the bathroom not too long ago. I sat down upon the porcelain seat, lid closed, and held my head in my hands, a long sigh escaping my lips.
The dilemma; I have a girlfriend I love, yet my brother who I also love has confessed romantic feelings for me. So what was the problem? How come I couldn't get over the fact that Kouji confessed such feelings to me? One would think it would be simple, just to disregard his feelings and pretend it never happened. I wanted to do that, I truly did, and let things turn back to the way it was before, and just live happily ever after with Yuukiona. There was only one problem.
I loved him too.
I had felt romantic feelings for Kouji for a very long time, long before I met Yuuki. I found myself at times thinking of what it would be like have him. I tried to somehow gather the courage to tell him so. But I never could. In this world, it is considered wrong for a brother to love his own brother, let alone his own twin! Surely Kouji would deny me! It was hard enough to admit to him three years ago that I was bisexual, having had a relationship with a guy named Hiro. But to admit to him that I loved him? That was outrageous!
So I figured I needed to forget about my feelings. If I could somehow channel those feelings into someone else, my problems would be over with. And who did I choose to use in this process?
At first I felt dirty every time I held her, thinking to myself you're only using her. I knew all too well after my experience with Duskmon how it felt to be used, and I absolutely despised doing the same to an innocent, sweet girl like Yuuki. But it was either try to forget about Kouji or suffer a lifetime of pain watching him with someone else. I had the right to happiness too, right..?
But eventually my feelings for Kouji began to fade away, or so I thought, within the first three or four months with Yuuki. She was such a nice, cute girl, with a bit of an attitude. I always teased her about her height, but she knew I had nothing but good intentions. It was hard to make her angry, and it wasn't until yesterday that I truly made her angry. But she had every right to be. She had so many good characteristics that I loved in a person. At times she even reminded me of Kouji. Overall, she just seemed perfect to me, and everything with her was beginning to go so well...
Until that kiss.
That kiss was a reminder of what I had tried to forget. And though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I enjoyed that kiss, though it was brief. The shock I felt as his lips touched my own was paralyzing. I wasn't shocked about the fact he was kissing me as much as it was that it was so powerful, yet gentle at the same time. Just as I always pictured his kiss would be...
Snap out of it!I screamed at myself in my head and biting down on my tongue, feeling the cool metal of my piercing upon the roof of my mouth. I can't think of such things, I can't! Yuuki is my girlfriend...
But you love Kouji.
But I love Yuuki, too! Kouji was in the past!
You keep telling yourself that, but do you truly believe that with all your heart?
It was my head against my heart, conscience against conscience. This same argument had been going on in my head non-stop for the past week, and had clouded all my senses, pushing me away from reality. I knew I had to make a decision. It wasn't fair to either of them to toss their feelings about like playthings. It may sound ridicuous, but at this time I felt no better than Cherubimon himself. I had to choose one or the other.
And judging by Kouji's sudden detatchment from the subject, I was running out of time.
I returned to my room, and found Kouji had pulled out my Gamecube and started a game of Super Smash Brothers Melee. As the door closed behind me, his attention turned from the blinking screen to me, and he smiled immediately.
"You get lost or something?" He asked.
"Yea, sure." I rolled my eyes, but smiled a bit at his joke.
"I've been waiting for you. Come play this with me, it's boring with this lame computer.
"All right." I replied, figuring it might help relieve the frustration I had been building up and sat down beside him on the bed, grabbing the second controller. "But be forewarned that I'm going to own your ass."
"We'll see about that." He smirked, and began a new match. We both chose our usual characters, his being Link and mine being Marth. And with that, the fierce battle began. I usually had the upper hand when we played this game, but instead of helping clear my head as I had hoped, I was constantly distracted with wayward thoughts, and ended up somehow flying of the stage and dying. After about the fifth match, I had stopped pressing buttons on my controller altogether.
"You know, Kouichi, this would be alot more fun if you were actually pressing buttons." Kouji said, his tone a bit irritated. I sighed, my thumb mashing upon the pause button.
"Kouji," I said, turning to face him. He looked a bit confused, but placed his controller off to the side.
"What's wrong with you today?" He asked me, his brow furrowing. "You've been off with me since I walked through the door."
"What's wrong with you?!" I said, my tone of voice being louder than I had anticipated. Kouji blinked in surprise, caught off guard by my loud tone, yet I continued nonetheless. "You're sitting here laughing and smiling, acting as though you have no care in the world, when I've been worrying my ass of the past week. Did that kiss not mean anything to you?"
Kouji stared at me for a long time, his midnight blue eyes searching my face. I felt a lump begin to form in my throat, but before I could apologize his expression shifted from that of surprise to total seriousness, his eyes drilling into my own, it seemed.
"I don't ever do anything I don't mean, Kouichi." He said in a stern tone. "Ever." His gaze slowly trailed downward a bit, pausing for several moments before looking at me again. "Just as I mean to do this."
He abruptly grasped the back of my neck and kissed me. My eyes widened, that same shocking sensation rippling down my spine. Before I could get a grip on my actions, I found myself returning the kiss. Kouji seemed to hesitate a moment, as though not expecting me to kiss him back, but he quickly recovered. My heart rate quickened, my shoulders quivered as we kissed. I knew I had to stop, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was so enticing, so delicious, so forbidden... I felt my eyes slowly draw to a close, giving in to this Forbidden Fruit. His fingertips slowly teased the hairs upon the back of my neck and I felt his tongue brush ever so gently against my lower lip. I was tempted to grant him access until I realized what I was doing. My eyes shot open and I pushed him away.
"I-I can't do this...!" I stuttered, almost knocking my controller to the floor in the process of pushing him away. Kouji was taken aback by the push.
"Why not?" He asked, his tone surprisingly soft.
"I have a girlfriend, Kouji!"
"That didn't bother you when you were kissing me back!"
"I didn't mean to..!"
"Who's the hypocrite now?!"
"Don't call me a hypocrite!" I cried, burying my head in my hands. It was bad enough to call myself a hypocrite, but to hear it coming from him was the sharpest of all daggars. I began to tremble, feeling my eyes beginning to grow a little misty. There was a silence for several moments until I felt the faintest touch of his hand upon my shoulders.
"I'm sorry, Kouichi..." he said softly. "I went out of line with that one..."
"But it's so true..." I whispered, not sure if Kouji would be able to hear me or not. "It's so true..."
"It's not true, Kouichi, you aren't a hypocrite..."
"I am, Kouji, in more ways than you think..."
"What makes you say that?"
"It's none of your business..."
"You're my brother, dammit!" He growled, jerking one of my hands away and holding me by the wrist. I looked up at him and saw the seriousness upon his face again. "My feelings aside, you are my brother no matter what, no matter who you love. Like you told me before, when you are in pain, I'm in pain, I feel everything you feel. And this time you're the one holding back on me. It's your turn to share. So spill."
I stared at him in utter amazement, mostly because he was right. I had told him that not just a week ago, when I made him reveal his own romantic feelings for me. I never would have guessed Kouji would be doing the same for me not a week later. After a few moments, Kouji's expression faded into that of a small , pained frown.
"Please, Kouichi..." He pleaded, slowly loosening his grip on my wrist. "Ever since I kissed you that day its like our bond has been weakened, if not broken. We don't act like brothers anymore...we act like awkward exs or something. I hate that feeling...and to be perfectly honest..." He released his grip, his gaze shifting towards the blinking television screen. "I wish I could take it all back."
"...Why...?" I asked softly, not thinking of much else to say.
"Because it's obvious you don't feel the same for me. All I want is for us to be brothers again...like it was before..."
"I never said I didn't feel the same..." I murmured under my breath, but Kouji heard me and turned his head sharply to look back at me.
"No, what did you say?"
I sighed softly, lifting my head to look him in the eye. After all this time, now I finally had my chance. My only regret was that it had not come sooner.
"I said I never said I didn't feel the same." I repeated.
"When you say that... do you mean-"
"It means I love you too, what else could it mean?"
Kouji stared blankly at me, as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing. I swallowed the lump that had been forming in my throat and continued to speak.
"...I've loved you for a long time, Kouji, long before I met Yuuki. I was afraid you didn't feel the same. I had somewhat hoped when I told you I was bi that you would have gotten some sort of hint, but that obviously didn't register in your head. But...I also love Yuuki. I love her very much..."
Kouji's lip quivered several times as though he was about to say something, looking back towards the flashing TV screen.
"...So what do you plan to do?" He asked me.
"...I don't know..." I replied honestly, holding my head in my hands. I felt as though the whole world was on my shoulders, and I was being crushed under it's weight. The pressure was suffocating, painful to bear. At that moment I only wanted to break down and cry. I was close to doing it too, until Kouji again touched my shoulder, then ran his fingertips through my hair gently.
"Kouichi..." He said, finally breaking the silence. "...I'm not going to pressure you doing something you don't want to do. But just know this. No matter what happens, no matter who you choose...I'll always be your brother, and support you no matter what, ok...?"
I lifted my head up slowly, looking at him. His words were both painful and comforting at the same time. Painful because his tone was so sad, and comforting because I knew he would stand by me, no matter who I chose. I didn't say a word, only reached out and hugged him tightly, burying my face into his shoulder. He returned the hug gently, stroking my back comfortingly.
This was only the beginning of our struggle, and we both knew it.
What a touching way to end a chapter, hm?
But we are far from over, people, oh no!
See you at chapter 6 ! Mwahahahahahaaa!!