Sawada Tsunayoshi, tenth generation head of the infamous Vongola Family crime syndicate, resisted the urge to bash his head against his desk until he was unconscious. Mainly because he knew Gokudera would flip the fuck out.
Instead he just sighed, flipping through papers he was looking through again, as if hoping this the next time he read it the content would magically change into something less troublesome.
"What'd wrong, Juudaime?"
Tsuna glanced to Gokudera, who was on, naturally, his right. "The Cavallone family sent us a bill for Dino-san's medical charges again. That makes the fifth time now."
"Why is the family being charged? I thought that was a personal dispute."
Tsuna ran a hand through his hair tiredly. "Because I promised I'd take full responsibility for my Guardians' actions after Ryohei's lawsuit."
"I suppose that's fair enough, considering that up to this point the only real problem was Hibari, who no one wants to fuck with even when compensation's deserved."
"Well, I'm not going back on my word. The only reasonable solution is to... Stop the fighting."
Gokudera just stared at him with a raised eyebrow. Some ash fell off of his cigarette. "You're... Serious?"
Tsuna nodded sadly. "It's gotten out of hand. Call Yamamoto and Chrome, I'll get a hold of Dino-san and Hibari-san."
"For the record, Juudaime, I think this is a terrible idea."
"For the record? So do I."
Tsuna looked at the four people before him, trying to decide how to go about this.
"Okay." He started. "I'm going to put it this way." He looked at the gathering before him, narrowing his eyes. "Technically speaking, I only needed to talk to Hibari-san. However, I thought it best to resolve this with all of you present. So, instead of being blunt, why don't the three of you tell me what you have in common with each other that has to do with Hibari."
The three exchanged glances.
"I don't get it."
Gokudera scowled. "That's because you're an idiot."
Tsuna glared. "Gokudera-kun."
"What? It's true."
Tsuna sighed. Hibari added, "Technically, there was Ryohei once, too."
Tsuna stared at him, surprised.
The latter shrugged. "He and that one," he said, pointing to Gokudera, "were the only ones around. And while he may be a more attractive prospect, it also would have taken more effort."
Tsuna buried his face in his hands. "Thank you. For that. I... Appreciate your... Laziness."
"I thought you might."
"Look, Hibari-san, the bottom line is, I have to request that you please, for the love of god, stop being a man-whore. It's causing unnecessary internal dispute, and Mukuro keeps mind-fucking Yamamoto. Please, please, pick one and go with it."
"Oh, is that what this is about?"
"Shut up, Yamamoto."
Dino interrupted "But I really didn't think you were supposed to get involved in our personal lives, leader or not, Tsuna."
The latter held a piece of paper in front of him, declaring "It became MY problem."
Upon getting a closer look at the proffered paper, Dino blinked in surprise. "Wow. That's... A lot of money."
Yamamoto leaned in to look. "That.. That's gotta be in yen, right?"
"Nope." Tsuna said. "Euros."
Mukuro laughed. He was glared at sharply for his response, to which he then feigned innocence (poorly) with a shrug and the word "Whoops."
Tsuna rolled his eyes, putting away the bill. "So you see where I'm coming from. Now please, do something about it."
"There is a problem with that, though." Hibari said.
"What?" The boss asked warily.
"I hate them all."
"Then don't sleep around!"
"Unfortunately, even I fall victim to the three basic needs of humankind, however infrequently this particular one comes up(1)."
"Then find a whore! Or one of your subordinates, I don't care!"
"Diseased and/or unattractive."
"Then your stuck with one of them, Hibari-san."
Hibari closed his eyes. "Very well. If it will get you to shut up, Sawada, I'll respect your wishes." He turned to regard his three suitors.
"You're out," He started, pointing to Dino.
"We don't live in the same country. It's inconvenient."
The Cavallone hung his head dejectedly. "Aw..."
Hibari continued his evaluation with Yamamoto. "You annoy me to no end. Particularly since you seem to think that I don't hate you, and therefore insist on acting like we're friends or something. It's quite irritating."
He turned to Mukuro to finish his appraisal. "You I hate. More than anyone. Really. Also, we keep breaking things which I then have to pay to replace."
"Good lord," Tsuna groaned. "I don't wanna know. I just really don't." He shook his head, before turning back to Hibari. "I'm sorry if you're dissatisfied, but these are the options you've given yourself. You're gonna have to look past something."
Hibari thought for a while. After a moment or two of consideration, his eyes turned to Tsuna contemplatively. Tsuna, after a brief period of confusion at this, widened his eyes.
"I haven't even-"
"It was just a thought,"
"If you change your mind-"
"Fine." Hibari acquiesced. Then turned his appraising eye on Gokudera.
"Also no, Hibari-san."
"Is that even really your right to decide?"
"Yes it is, and NO."
A moment of silence.
Tsuna's eyes narrowed. "Whatever you're thinking now, the answer is also no. You have several options pick one."
Hibari did an annoyed sort of half eye-roll. "Very well."
He turned his attention to the trio again. "I suppose if focusing on the negative doesn't help, I'll have to decide based on your merits."
"Who's best in bed."
The three in question looked eager at the announcement, while Tsuna buried his face in his hands muttering "I don't want to know that. Why must it come down to this?"
Hibari continued, unheeded. "Which would be-" The room stood still with apprehension, except for Gokudera, who was now smoking in a corner, and Tsuna, who had plugged his ears and started singing with the hope to drown out the answer so he would never have to know, "-Mukuro."
Yamamoto and Dino winced visibly. Mukuro just looked smug as hell.
"Don't feel bad. I do have several hundred years of experience on you. And that's just going through human lives. You wouldn't believe what I learned about sex as a porpoise."
"...A... Porpoise?" Tsuna managed to ask, to spite the fact that he didn't really want to know.
"Oh, yes. Though most of the sexual practices I've learned throughout the cycles can't be used as a human, I have carried over a few tricks."
"That's great, Mukuro. Please stop now."
"Although most of what I remember of being a sea lion involved being pissed off for having to wait for the male to go through the rest of the harem before getting to me. I think I killed him after I conceived."
The others just sort of stared.
The only two questions that managed to be uttered were "Sea lions have harems?" and "You were a MOTHER?"
Mukuro cheerfully supplied the answers. "Certain kinds do, yes. And I was a mother a number of times."
Tsuna decided he'd very much like to drown himself now.
"It's actually quite funny," Mukuro continued to Tsuna's unceasing horror, "Aside from the incarnations that didn't have a gender, I seem to have been female more often than male. The ratio's about 60/40, I think. Isn't that strange?"
"I'd believe it."
"Makes sense to me."
Tsuna buried his face in his hands, sinking onto his desktop. "All of you get out of my office now."
"If the next thing I hear isn't 'They're gone,' I'm setting everyone in the room on FIRE."
There was an awkward shuffling and the sound of a door closing. Tsuna let out a sigh of relief. "Please tell me that's all of them."
"Unless I count as one of them, then yes." Gokudera reported.
"I hate my job."
"I know, Juudaime."
"I hate my Guardians, too."
"And Reborn. I really hate him."
"Yes, sir. You hate the world and everyone in it. I understand."
"Gokudera-kun?" Tsuna asked, looking up from his faceplant. "Could you do me a huge favor?"
"Wine or sake?"
(1) And infrequently was, in fact the case. By now, most people had figured out that Hibari's sex drive was only active about once a month. To this point, however, Gokudera was the only person who had realised that this 'once a month' happened to coincide with Bianchi's menstrual cycle. He had not told anyone, however, based on the fact that that would require acknowledging it, and the possibility that the correlation between them wasn't coincidental was just too disturbing to think about. Somewhere in the back of his mind, however, he wondered what would happen if his sister got pregnant.