A/N – I hate the HP movies. You know what I like though? The Animated Batman series. Harley Quinn owns my soul.

Usual stuff – not my property, just my opinion, bad language, sexual content, blah blah. Credit for some tiny bits goes to Terry Pratchett, Dylan Moran and Green Wing. I don't like the beginning of this parody, but I like to think it gets better. And I know I should be writing Eden right now, but that requires too much brain power for me to handle at the moment. It's coming. The next chapter is about three quarters finished.

To be clear – I ship Ron/Hermione, which is a big part of why I hate the movies. And I know full well that the movies don't ship Draco/Ron or Snape/Lupin.

But I do.


HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

HP FANS: Ahhhmaaagaaaaaad! (do the wave)

NON HP FANS: Wankers.

The Dursleys'

HARRY: Uncle Vernon, I need you to sign a form so that I can go to Hogsmeade-

UNCLE VERNON: Lalala, can't hear you. Marge! So good to see you!

AUNT MARGE: Where's my Dudders? Duddy-wuddy-puddly-poo!

DUDLEY: (Grunts)

AUNT MARGE: Now, where can I sit? Ah, here will do! (uses Harry as a chair)

HARRY: Mmgggggmmmmmfffff!

At Dinner

Harry slaves away over a hot stove, whipping up a fifth course for his greedy, greedy bitch of an aunt. Actually… she's not really his aunt, is she? What is she? His aunt-in-law? Oh god, I need to get a life.

MARGE: Look at him. Look at the pasty little runt. Needs a good whipping. Do they cane you at borstal, boy?

HARRY: Borstal?

VERNON: You heard your Aunt, boy!

HARRY: Oh yes, of course. Borstal. Yes, they cane us at borstal. Again and again. In a dark, padded, soundproof cell, where no-one can hear our screams.

MARGE: (a little too breathlessly) Good… yes. Good. Hmm.

HARRY: Well, I'd best be going-

MARGE: Your father was a tramp and your mother was a whore!

HARRY: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Aunt Marge proceeds to blow up like a balloon, serving as a prime example against obesity in this age of readily available junk-food. Never say Harry Potter isn't topical! She floats up into the air and out of the window, off into the night. Vernon and Petunia scream in helpless slow-mo in the back garden, but Dudley refuses to be drawn away from his television. A boy after my own heart.

HARRY: Okay, time to go.

The Hallway

UNCLE VERNON: Boy! Get out there and bring her back down!

HARRY: Kiss my arse!

UNCLE VERNON: Your arse, young man, is very soon to be pwned by those freaks in your lot's government! You're not allowed to do magic outside of school.

HARRY: Au contraire – I did last night. Under the duvet. While you were sleeping in the next room!

UNCLE VERNON: Disgusting! Hmph. Well, nothing can spoil my victory. You have no-where to go! HA!

HARRY: Naff off! (leaves the house, taking a suitcase with him)

UNCLE VERNON: Boy! BOY! You forgot your owl!

HEDWIG: … Squawk?

The Street

HARRY: Ah, the sweet taste of freedom.

Harry decides to sit himself down… IN THE MIDDLE OF A MAIN ROAD!

SWINGS: (swing)

SEE-SAW: (see-saws)

BUSHES: (rustle)

HARRY: Is this a flasher I see before me?

BIG BLACK DOG: You wish, you little pervert.

Despite sitting in the middle of the road, Harry seems surprised when something nearly runs him over.

STAN SHUNTPIKE: Wanna ride?

The Knight-Bus of Terror

The Knight Bus is in the charge of GORMLESS STAN SHUNTPIKE, a HALF-BLIND DRUNKARD and a SHRUNKEN CRACKHEAD. If you live in London, you won't be surprised by this poor standard of public transport. Really, Harry should just count his blessings, and be thankful he doesn't seem to have to pay £7.00 for a travelcard. Anyway, I'm digressing, and this movie is only four hours long.

BUS: (swerves)

HARRY: (Falls down)

GORMLESS STAN: (Reads a newspaper with a FILTHY TRAMP on the front page)

BUS: (sways)

HARRY: (slams into a window)

GORMLESS STAN: (puzzles over the Sudoku)

HARRY: (peeling himself off the glass) Who's that filthy tramp on the front cover, then?

GORMLESS STAN: That's Sirius Black, of course!

HARRY: Sirius Black? You mean… murderer and sex bomb Sirius Black?

GORMLESS STAN: The very same.

(In cinemas across the world, Sirius fangirls start to commit mass suicide by jumping off the balcony seating area down to the stalls below)

BUS: (Slams on the breaks)

HARRY: (punctures a lung)

(As the Knight Bus comes to a stop, it bumps someone else's car. It should be noted that no insurance details are exchanged, because evidently public transport is above the law. HARRY is practically shoved off the bus by GORMLESS STAN and into the tender arms of a waiting HUNCHBACK.)

Harry's New Bedroom

HUNCHBACK: Your owl, Sir.

HARRY: Aww, Hedwig! No hard feelings right, man? I did what I had to do and… things.

HEDWIG: I am going to peck your eyes out while you sleep, biatch.

THE FUDGESTER: Well hello there, Harry.

HARRY: What are you doing in my bedroom?

THE FUDGESTER: Get used to it, boy – this is pretty mild on the inappropriate scale compared to what you're going to have to put up with from the various authority figures in this movie.

HARRY: …Oh. So, are you going to expel me from Hogwarts?

THE FUDGESTER: If I was, then this would be a pretty short movie, wouldn't it?

HARRY: Oh, cool.

THE FUDGESTER: Besides, with Sirius Black on the loose, we don't want you roaming the streets as a goalless urchin, now, do we?

HARRY: I guess… but what's Sirius Black got to do with me?

THE FUDGESTER: (Coughs) Why, nothing! (Cough, hack, cough) Nothing at all! Don't know where you (hacks out lungs) get these ridiculous (spits up blood) ideas from!

HARRY: Oh, that's okay then!

Later

Harry decides to rifle through his new books for the coming school year. Unfortunately, one of these books tries to eat him. He grapples with it tediously for a seeming age. And by 'tediously', I mean 'amusingly', of course. Apparently, there is time for this pointless battle of hilarity, but not enough time for any Marauder back-story. All quite logical, when you think about it, isn't it?

Cafe Exposition

RON: Your cat should be put down!

HERMIONE: Your face should be put down!

RON: Your mum should be put down!

HERMIONE: God, I hate you! I mean, I actually physically hate you!

RON/HEMRIONE FANS: Um…

RON: Harry!

HERMIONE: Harry!

HARRY: Wait a minute… what the hell happened to your hair?

HERMIONE: I discovered John Frieda's Sheer Blonde Frizz-Ease hair range.

HARRY: Oh, great! So Ron, what did you do this summer?

RON: I went to Egypt! I have no idea why this is being included here, as it has no relevance to plot or character development seeing as there's not going to be any mention of Sirius Black reading the newspaper and seeing Scabbers in our picture on the front cover, but I'll talk about it anyway, because my lines only decrease in number after this movie, and I want to take all the screen-time I can get while there's still time.

MOLLY WEASLEY: I have come to make Obsessmuch's life a misery.

OBSESSMUCH: (self-harms in an attempt to make the pain go away)

MOLLY: Well at least I'm canon, bitch.

OBSESSMUCH: Touché.

ARTHUR WEASLEY: May I have a word, Harry?

HARRY: Shoot.

ARTHUR: Harry, I think you should know that you are in grave, grave danger.

MUSIC: (Is sinister)

ARTHUR: There is a murderer on the loose, Harry. And should he find you, he will proceed to eat your guts. I'm serious, this man is BAD-ASS.

HARRY: Are we talking about the broken-down tramp that's been in the papers?

ARTHUR: No broken down tramp, Harry – evil psychopathic tramp! So promise me you won't go looking for him.

HARRY: Mr Weasley, why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?

Note – Harry is a n00b. Hence, he will most definitely be going to look for the psychopath who is looking to own his n00bish ass. This is not, by the way, the last time Harry's n00bishness will come up in this movie.

Aboard the Hogwarts Express

MOLLY: Don't forget your rat, Ron!

(Remember that, kids – it'll be on the exam.)

HERMIONE: Come on, all the other compartments are full.

RON: So that means we have to sit with the creepy man sleeping under the rain mac covered with suspicious looking stains? Can't we just sit in the corridor?

HERMIONE: Oh come on – if he's asleep then he can't bother us, can he?

RON: But… but he smells funny…

Our TRIO settle themselves down next to the TRAMP.

RON: Who is he?

HERMIONE: Professor R.J.Lupin.

RON: Do you know everything? How come you know everything?

HERMIONE: I'm Steve Kloves' favourite, that's why.

STEVE KLOVES: (glows happily)

TRAIN: (shudders to a halt)

RON: Are we there yet?

HERMIONE: Can't be – there's sinister music playing.

The lights flicker out, and the window starts to frost over. Rupert Grint gurns like his life depends on it, Emma Watson looks terrified (ah, I miss the days when she could actually act. How is it possible to get worse with experience, really?), while Dan Radcliffe shows Harry's abject terror by… blinking. Once.

AUDIENCE: (Really wish the producers went with their initial gut instinct and cast Gabriel Thomson as Harry)

RON: What's gOIng on, HArry?

AUDIENCE: Seriously, Rupe, just how long has your voice been breaking for?

RUPERT GRINT: You try gurning and screaming 'comically' for a living. It's not easy on the vocal chords, you know.

(Suddenly, a creepy skeletal HAND pulls the compartment door open, and a weird, creepy… thing floats into the carriage, and proceeds to suck Harry's face.

Not in that way.

Okay, perhaps in that way.)

HITHERTO SLEEPING TRAMP: Fear the Hitler moustache!

WEIRD FLOATING THING: Aaaaaarrrgghhh! My non-existent eyes! They burn!

FANGIRLS: Aw, man! You took Sirius and now you're gonna take Lupin, too?

Later in the Carriage de Creepy

HARRY wakes to find a slightly creepy man in a dodgy overcoat looming over him. Far from dispatching the stranger with a swift kick to the groin, HARRY allows him to help him up.

SLIGHTLY CREEPY MAN/LUPIN: Here you are, little boy… have some of my (cough) special sweets.

HARRY: Sure!

MOTHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: (Fall down dead with horror at the message this sends to their children)

HARRY: What was that thing?

LUPIN: It was a Dementor. Looking for Sirius Black. I assume that the reason they came looking in this compartment is because one fugly tramp is much the same as another to them.

HARRY: Right. So, did anyone else… you know, pass out and shit?

HERMIONE: No, Harry. No-one else screamed and cried and fainted like a little girl. Not to embarrass you or anything.

HARRY: (Broods)

The Great Hall

The STUDENTS settle down to eat while being serenaded by a cute little CHOIR with toad accompaniment. They are conducted by the newly made-over PROFESSOR FLITWICK, and when they are finished they move aside to reveal… similarly newly made over DUMBLEDORE!

DUMBLEDORE: Greetings, students!

STUDENT #1: Who the hell are you?

STUDENT #2: He must have broken into the castle!

STUDENT #3: He must have killed Dumbledore, usurped his power and seized his crown!

ALL STUDENTS: (panic)

DUMBLEDORE: It's okay, my dears. I'm the new Dumbledore. And honestly, you won't even notice the difference. Until movie 4, that is. But until then, my psychopathic tendencies are going to remain firmly under wraps. Now, firstly, we have a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, professor Lupin!

SNAPE: You won't last five minutes here, Lupin. I'm telling you, I am going to crush you like a worm under my boot. I am going to make you sorry you were ever born-

LUPIN: You know, Severus, I would feel more threatened if you didn't have your hand in my crotch.

MALFOY: Potter! Is it true you fainted? You actually fainted?

FANGIRLS: There he is! There he is! (wet themselves with excitement)

RON: STFU, Malfoy.

MALFOY: (Narrows eyes at Ron) He will be mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.

DUMBLEDORE: In other news, Rubeus Hagrid will be taking over as our Care of Magical Creatures teacher.

THE STUDENTS: (Thankfully do not rise to their feet, pronounce 'It's not Hogwarts without you, Hagrid', and burst into tears of happiness. After the end of the last movie, I don't know whether I could cope with any more Hagrid-based overly emotional shite.)

DUMBLEDORE: And in conclusion, there are Dementors guarding the school until Sirius Black is captured. Although they are terrifying beyond belief, I would ask you all to try and hold onto your dignity and not to wet yourself with fright whenever confronted with them. Not that I'm mentioning names or anything. (Winks conspicuously at Harry.)

HARRY: (slides slowly under the table)

Celeb Cameo Staircase

(HARRY goes to the Gryffindor Common Room Portrait to discover that the FAT LADY has undergone an extensive make-over and personality transplant)

AUDIENCE: It's Dawn French! Squeeee! Hi, Dawn!

FAT LADY: I have come to make this movie worthwhile. Now be quiet while I sing my solo.

(HARRY does not appreciate the fine music on offer, because HARRY is an ungrateful, uncultured little sod. Her pride severely wounded, the FAT LADY lets the children into the common room before going to comfort-eat her way through box after box full of chocolates. All she wants is a little respect and perhaps a kind word or two, but seeing as neither of those is forthcoming from the little brats she works tirelessly for, her self esteem has gradually eroded away to nothing. She has given up her looks, her career as a singer, and her chance of love with Sir Cadogan just to be the guard for a Common Room, and what does she receive in return? Ingratitude and mockery. And so she cries self-pitying tears of the deepest sorrow as she raises yet another truffle to her painted lips. I hope you're satisfied, Harry fucking Potter.)

Slashy Sleepover

(The GRYFFINDOR BOYS lounge around in their pyjamas, eating sweets, making animal noises, reading magazines and braiding each others' hair.)

AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait - who's the boy on the far right?

(People look closer, and realise it's no other than…)

AUDIENCE: NEVILLE? But… but he's tall! And slim! And also… a little bit foxy. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

RON: I am Weasley, hear me ROAR!

FANGIRLS: (Giggle manically).

(Steam comes out of HARRY'S ears. Somehow, it does not have the same effect as Ron's sexy, sexy roar. But the boys seem to find it amusing, and they… um, wrestle.)

Pretty Montage DuJour

A bird flies prettily through the grounds of Hogwarts, only to get thwapped by the Whomping Willow. Somehow, there is time for this little scene which, although effective, adds absolutely nothing to the story, but there shall be no time later on for any back-story regarding the Marauders and their map. I don't know. Whatever.

Trelawny's Parlour of Bullshit

PROFESSOR TRELAWNY has Canon-Hermione hair, big bug-eye glasses, and shops at Oxfam. She is also batshit crazy.

HERMIONE: God, the teaching standards have really gone downhill around here.

RON: GAH! Where the hell did you just come from?

HERMIONE: I've been here the whole time, you idiot!

TRELAWNEY: Mr Weasley! Your aura is pulsing, my dear!

OBSESSMUCH: (snorts into her tea. Because she is twelve.)

TRELAWNY: Come here, Harry. I want to hold your cup. I want to hold your cup, and I want to inspect it. Let me hold your cup.

HARRY: (Crosses his legs and hands over the tea-cup)

TRELAWNY: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhh you have the Grim! The GRIM, I tell you!

HARRY: Seriously, WTF?

SOME CRINGEWORTHY KID: The Grim… is… one of the darkest… omens of our world. It's… an omen… of… death.

THE REST OF THE CLASS:…

HERMIONE: Not to be rude, but… who the hell are you and how did you end up in this movie?

The Alarmingly Steep Hill

The TRIO meander down the hill together.

HERMIONE: I personally am of the opinion that Trelawney is an utter fuckwit. Now, Ancient Runes, that's a fascinating subject-

RON: Pfff, whatever. You're not taking Ancient Runes. You'd have to be in two places at once if you were.

(Actually, now that I think about it… how do the logistics of Hermione's time-travel work out, anyway? I mean, would she continue to age as she travelled back and forth in time? If so, does this mean she was technically fifteen instead of fourteen at the end of her third year? Yes, I am a massive nerd, shut up.)

HERMIONE: Oh honestly Ron, how could anyone be in two places at once? Broaden your minds. Use your inner eye to see into the future! (Giggle)

AUDIENCE:…Sorry, was that meant to be funny?

STEVE KLOVES: But… but it is funny! You know Hermione, she's so witty! Her sense of humour is just out of this world!

Note to Kloves – you have the sense of humour of a brain tumour. But then, so does canon Hermione, so perhaps in a twisted, ironic way you're along the right track.

Forest of Ineptitude

HAGRID: Welcome to your first Care of Magical Creatures lesson! My name is Hagrid, and I shall be your host for the evening.

HARRY: (grins)

EVERYONE ELSE: Oh good Lord, we're gonna die here.

HAGRID: Say hello to Buckbeak! He's a Hippogriff. Now, whatever you do, don't insult him. Hippogriffs are extremely proud creatures, and will probably kill you if you utter a word against them. In conclusion – don't insult the bird. Got it?

DRACO: Good Lord… I really am overdue for a manicure.

HAGRID: So, who wants to pet the monster?

EVERY STUDENT EXCEPT HARRY: (has the brains to back off quickly)

HAGRID: Good man, Harry! Now, come up here and stroke him. No – with the fur, not against… yes, that's right.

HARRY: The birdie is soft!

HAGRID: Right, I think you can ride him now!

HARRY: Wha-

Hagrid doesn't wait for an affirmative, but picks Harry up and shoves him on the back of a dangerous bird. Seriously, I like Hagrid and all, but god, he should not be put in a position of authority. See also Boris Johnson.

HERMIONE: (grabs Ron's hand)

RON: Ack, ack!

HERMIONE: Eeeeew, what am I doing?

RON: Oh god, I actually touched your bare skin! The cooties, damn it, the cooties!

HERMIONE: I'm sorry, Ron, but apparently we get it together in the books, and I had to foreshadow it somehow-

RON: Well you might want to stop acting like you hate me, then.

HERMIONE: Well, Steve Kloves hates you, so I have to hate you, really, being his mouthpiece and everything. But don't worry. The one bit of foreshadowing for our future marriage is completely over and done with until the one time I smile at you in movie 5.

HARRY: Er… my movie, people!

AUDIENCE: God, don't we just know it?

HARRY: Look at me! I can fly!

(Harry goes flying around on Buckbeak for about three hours. I don't want to harp on about this, but why oh why are there so many dull and pointless scenes in this movie and not one sentence of Marauder back story?

God, I'm bored.

Anyway, Harry eventually returns to earth, and is lifted off the Hippogriff by Hagrid. Who probably uses the moment as an opportunity to cop a feel. Why not? Everyone else at Hogwarts seems to want a piece of Harry's arse.)

HARRY: Thanks… Professor.

HAGRID: Oooooh… say it again!

DRACO: (swaggers forward with an air of extreme arrogance and stylish élan)

FANGIRLS: (whimper)

DRACO: I'm too sexy for your rules, too sexy for your rules…

HAGRID: Malfoy-

DRACO: (to Buckbeak) So… how do the logistics of horse/chicken sex work out, anyway-

BUCKBEAK: SQUAAAAAAK! (Backhands him)

Unfortunately, Draco's blossoming sexiness is ruined when he whimpers like a little girl, clutching his arm.

DRACO: I'm dying! DYING! Oh good Lord, my Armani is ruined! RUINED, I TELL YOU!

HAGRID: Here, let me take you back to the school-

DRACO: DON'T TOUCH ME, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN!

Bad Child Actors, ltd. Cheesy lines butchered while you wait.

(DRACO preens with his arm in a sling, all excited because his father has decided to press charges against a certain hippogriff.)

DRACO: Sign my plaster, Weasley?

RON: Look at him. Sitting there, lording it up amongst all his admirers. What do they see in him, anyway? With that stupid infant-blonde hair; pale, flawless skin; those classically sculpted features; those very earlobes that shriek class…

HARRY AND HERMIONE:…

(This potentially awkward moment is interrupted by the arrival of SEAMUS.)

SEAMUS: SIRIUS BLACK HAS BEEN SIGHTED NEAR THE CASTLE ZOMG!!1!

HARRY: Dude, seriously, you might want to tone it down a notch.

SEAMUS: Oh, whatever. It's not like you can act either.

CRINGEWORTHY KID FROM PREVIOUS SCENE: It's like… trying to catch… smoke. Like… trying… to catch smoke… with your bare… hands.

OBSESSMUCH: (Head-desks)

HERMIONE: Seriously, why is that kid even here?

RON: So… would it be any easier to catch smoke if you were wearing gloves, or am I missing something here?

STEVE KLOVES: Cram it, Ronald.

Every Coming-Of-Age Movie Needs Homo-Erotic Subtext

It's time for the first Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. The STUDENTS stand in front of a SINISTER CLOSET which is shaking and rattling with abandon.

LUPIN: Not to worry, my young, young friends. It's only a boggart in there. Can anyone tell me what a boggart is?

HERMIONE: I can, sir!

RON: What the… where the fuck did you come from?

LUPIN: Go ahead, Hermione.

HERMIONE: Well, it's a being that takes the form of what you fear the most. So I assume in your case it would take the form of someone from the NSPCC.

LUPIN: Exactly. I mean, uh, no of course it wouldn't! But you were right with… with your first point. Yes. But Boggarts can be dealt with by using a simple spell, which will turn the boggart into something amusing. Now repeat the incantation after me – Riddikulus!

KIDS: Riddikulus!

DRACO: This class is ridiculous!

(BUUUUUUURRRRRRRN!)

LUPIN: Neville, come forward.

NEVILLE: (shuffles forth)

AUDIENCE: Seriously… that's Neville?

LUPIN: Now, what is it that scares you more than anything else in the world and generally makes you wet yourself like a helpless child?

NEVILLE: (mumbles) Professor Snape.

LUPIN: Sorry, Neville, I didn't quite catch your utterly humiliating revelation there. Say it louder so the whole class can hear it.

NEVILLE: PROFESSOR SNAPE, SHUT UP!

LUPIN: I see. Well, I don't think it would be inappropriate or unprofessional at all for me to tell you to parade an image of your teacher in your grandmother's clothes in front of a room full of teenagers he has the misfortune of having to teach. Go ahead, Neville.

(SNAPE comes out of the closet…)

NEVILLE: Riddikulus!

(… in drag.)

HALF THE AUDIENCE: (Are alarmed at the eroticism of Alan Rickman in old-lady clothing)

LUPIN: Ron, take your turn!

(RON'S boggart is a spider)

RON: Well, I might as well gurn comically, seeing as it worked so well in the last movie.

DAVID HEYMAN: It's what you're good for, bitch.

(As each student takes their turn, the class find themselves facing by turns a snake, a creepy clown, and, most terrifying of all, Lupin's Hitler moustache)

HARRY: My turn, my turn!

BOGGART: (Quite clearly turns itself into a Dementor)

LUPIN: Noooo, no! I cannot allow my students to face a Boggart that takes the shape of Lord Voldemort himself!

EVERYONE ELSE:… What?

Aaaaaall Byyyyyy Myyyyyy Seeeeeeeeeelf!

HARRY: Please?

MCGONAGALL: No.

HARRY: Pleeeeeeeeease!

MCGONAGALL: For the last time; no Potter, you cannot go to Hogsmeade, and no I am not interested in accepting your quite frankly insulting offer of a bribe of shortbread and tartan.

HARRY: What if I throw in a bunch of thistles?

MCGONAGALL: Potter, what is rule number sixty-three in the Hogwarts Code of Conduct?

HARRY: (mumbles) You don't fuck with McGonagall.

MCGONAGALL: Exactly. Now kindly move along, you're making the place look untidy.

HERMIONE AND RON: (are awkward)

HARRY: Don't worry, you guys. Go ahead without me.

MUSIC: Craaawling iiiin myyyy skiiiin!

RON: So… so we have to go by ourselves?

HERMIONE: Looks like it.

RON: But… but what the hell are we going to talk about if Harry's not with us?

HERMIONE: I don't know, Ronald. I just don't know.

The Shippy Bridge of Doom (tm)

Note – this is not the only time this bridge will come into the Harry Potter films. It will mostly be used to promote non-canon ships that have somehow made their way into the movies (see Harry/Hermione in GOF).

LUPIN: You remind me so much of your mother, Harry.

HARRY: Really? You knew my mum?

LUPIN: Of course. I wasn't best friends with your dad at all – that's why I mention him only once in the whole movie. But your mother… well, now there was a woman. She was kind and caring and beautiful and powerful and awesome and clever and the original Mary-Sue.

HARRY: (Snuggles)

Celeb Cameo Staircase

(Pandemonium reigns)

GINNY: (To herself) Okay. Your line. Your very own line. Don't mess this up. Remember – you deserve this line. It's your line, and no-one can take it away from you-

HARRY: Hey, what's going on?

GINNY: Thefatladyshe'sgone!

THE TRIO: OMG!

DAVID HEYMAN: Right, that's enough. Back in the closet with you, Jenny.

GINNY: My name's actually Ginny-

DAVID HEYMAN: Whatever, kid - I didn't ask for your life story.

DUMBLEDORE: Coming through! Come on; don't make me pimp-slap you!

STUDENTS: Pimp-slap? Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, you lot are in for a huge shock come movie four. Now, seeing as there's no poltergeist that looks suspiciously like Rik Mayall to tell me what's going on, I guess we're just going to have to-

FILCH: The Fat Lady's over there, Professor!

FAT LADY: (hiding in another picture) Look, can you people please find a more flattering name for me?

DUMBLEDORE: What happened to you?

FAT LADY: I don't want to spread panic, but… Sirius Black assaulted me when I wouldn't let him in to the common room to kill Potter and eat his remains. And he could even now be lurking somewhere in the castle with his still bloody knife. And I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but… I'm pretty sure I saw lice in his beard.

DUMBLEDORE: Lice? In a school?

EVERYBODY: (panics)

Non-slashy Sleepover. Woe.

The castle goes into lockdown, and Dumbledore decides this would be the perfect time to hold a sleepover in the great hall. Alas, Dumbledore is a rubbish host, and has not provided the students with any junk food, booze, weed or porn for the occasion. Therefore it is one of those crappy sleepovers where you all go to sleep before midnight and wish you'd just stayed at home, because at least there you wouldn't have to sleep on the floor.

As HARRY lies awake, DUMBLEDORE and SNAPE wander along amongst the students, bitching at each other merrily.

SNAPE: The castle has been searched, Headmaster, and so far no-one has seen Black.

DUMBLEDORE: Excellent.

SNAPE: Now, you know me, Headmaster, I'm not one to scandal-monger, but I haven't seen Lupin all evening. And… well, I didn't want to tell you this, but I overheard him saying to Flitwick that your robes aren't anywhere near as pretty as the last Dumbledore's-

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Snapey – you and your episodes of unresolved sexual tension. First Quirrell, then Lockhart, now Lupin – who's next?

SNAPE: Well, there's Karakoff, Potter, Draco and Voldemort himself to come in future movies. Oh, and Lily Potter.

DUMBLEDORE: Lily? A girl?

SNAPE: I know, I was surprised too. Anyway, do you think we should tell Potter that Black is after his jailbait backside?

DUMBLEDORE: Nah. I figure for now we should just let him pretend to sleep in peace.

Pretty Montage DuJour

A golden-brown leaf falls slowly, so slowly, off the Whomping Willow. Suddenly the tree sheds all of its leaves in a scene which again is incredibly pretty but at the same time incredibly pointless compared with, oh, I don't know, MARAUDER BACK-STORY!

Snape's Finest Hour

(SNAPE flounces into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, minces, prances, and generally acts like a camp Dracula.)

SNAPE: Turn to page 394, bitches!

FANGIRLS: Ooo, he's so masterful!

HARRY: Where's professor Lupin?

SNAPE: Probably off having an illicit affair with another bit of bespectacled jailbait, Potter, get over it. I had to.

HARRY: What?

SNAPE: Nothing. Now, what can you miserable little idiots tell me about Werewolves?

RON: Werewolves?

HERMIONE: But sir, we've got at least six chapters to go until we reach Werewolves-

RON: WHERE IN THE NAME OF HELL DID YOU COME FROM?

HERMIONE: I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME, SHUT UP!

RON: THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF CRAP! IF I'M AS STUPID AS YOU AND KLOVES ALWAYS INSIST THAT I AM, THEN WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES YOU APPEARING OUT OF THIN AIR TIME AFTER TIME?

SNAPE: Miss Granger, it is up to me what I teach you this morning. Mr Weasley, STFU.

RON: Sjktrkjktgkfcyk!

SNAPE: Good. Now, I want you all to take notes on what I am about to tell you.

PUPILS: (Are poised, pens ready)

SNAPE: Professor Lupin, your distinctly inappropriate and chocolate loving Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, is a werewolf.

PUPILS: (drool blankly)

HARRY: What was that about chocolate?

SNAPE: GAH! Right, fine. Can anyone tell me how to recognise a werewolf? In a teacher? A Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher with a strange fondness for underage boys?

HERMIONE: Please sir, I can-

SNAPE: Oh for the love of god, shut up Granger. Do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?

ALL: (gasp)

HARRY: (Looks at Ron) Aren't you gonna do something?

RON: Eh, Snape has a point.

HARRY: What?

RON: Well, in the book I would probably knock him into next Tuesday, but Kloves hates me, so right now I have to settle with being a complete and utter fucktard.

(Meanwhile, DRACO has sent HARRY a nasty note, just because he feels like being a bastard.)

DRACO'S NOTE:

Dear Potter,

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

'Love' Draco.

P.s. What do you think the deal is with Weasley? Not to be forward or anything, but I think I noticed him checking out my pampered behind earlier. And FYI, I'm only interested because I want an excuse to laugh at him, and mocking his gingerness is getting a little old.

HARRY: … Who actually writes out a maniacal laugh, really?

DRACO: (winks at Ron)

RON: (snaps his pencil)

Time for our yearly dose of Quiddich tedium

HARRY is playing Quidditch in the rain, and the Gryffindors are screaming that really annoying 'Go, go, Gryffindor' chant at the top of their voices. Seriously, Gryffindors are such utter losers I have no words to describe them. Unfortunately Slytherin aren't playing, so I don't have anyone to cheer for. Therefore, my attention is already waning. The Hufflepuff seeker is struck by lightening, but HARRY is damned if he's going to give up his chance at winning the game to help him. You see, not only is Harry a n00b, but he's also a complete wanker. Fortunately, Karma sends some Dementors Harry's way, and because he's a wussy little girl he faints (again) and plummets thousands and thousands of feet to his death…

I wish.

Later, in the Hospital Wing…

HERMIONE: Your broom was somehow completely ripped to shreds in your fall, Harry.

HARRY: (wails)

AUDIENCE: (fail to give a shit)

The Woods of Creepy

(Lupin and Harry go for a long walk together, all alone in the woods. Lupin has a limp, for some reason, which along with the previously mentioned Hitler moustache only serves to add to the creepiness of it all)

LUPIN: So good of you to accompany me on my walk, Harry.

HARRY: No problem.

LUPIN: Hey, take grandpa's hand and help him over this tree root, will you?

HARRY: Sure. So what would you say if I asked you to help me fight the Dementors?

LUPIN: I would say that as long as we get to spend more inappropriate time alone together then I am there with bells on.

HARRY: Yay!

LUPIN: So… d'you wanna make out now?

HARRY: What?

LUPIN: Nothing.

The Next Trip to Hogsmeade

(The grounds are snowy and Harry is alone. Typically, he n00bs up his attempt to sneak away to Hogsmeade, as he doesn't consider that even an invisibility cloak won't hide footprints in the snow.)

WEASLEY TWIN #1: It's time for our one bit of screentime, brother of mine.

(The WEASLEY TWINS apprehend HARRY, and drag him off into a deserted corridor for an illicit threeway… in my dreams.)

HARRY: Boys, please restrain yourselves, I'm not that kind of guy-

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Oh please, you don't get attractive until the next movie, and even then it's only during an ever-so-disturbing bathing scene.

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Now listen; we have a present for you. (Hands over the Marauder's map.)

HARRY: Oooo!

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Yeah. It shows you all the grounds and tells you what every single person in Hogwarts is doing every moment of every day.

WEASLEY TWIN #1: I know the logistics of it don't make any kind of sense, considering just how many people reside at Hogwarts, but… well, it's magic, isn't it!

HARRY: Wow! It says here it's made by four people called Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Any idea who they are?

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Nope. And you'll never know, either, so you might as well give up on that idea now.

HARRY: Fair enough.

WEASLEY TWIN #1: And now we must leave, before we spawn any more fangirls by sandwiching you any longer.

HARRY: Cool. Sandwich me again sometime?

WEASLEY TWIN #2: No can do, Sunshine – it's Hermione's turn come movie four.

OBSESSMUCH: (Wonders why the Weasley twins have Brummie accents while none of the rest of the Weasley clan do)

Harry needs an ASBO

(HARRY emerges in a SWEET SHOP, throws on his all-purpose INVISIBILITY CLOAK, and walks out of the shop, pikying NEVILLE'S lolly on his way out. Which I, personally, call theft.)

HARRY: Yoink!

NEVILLE: (Bursts into tears)

Snowy Grotto of Luuuurve

HERMIONE: So… there's the shrieking shack.

RON: … Right.

(Long, awkward pause.)

HERMIONE: Boy, do we have more chemistry in the books.

RON: Yeah.

(RON kicks some snow about out of sheer boredom while HERMIONE plays with her hair.)

HERMIONE: So… do you want to move closer?

RON: What, to the shack?

HERMIONE: No, I meant to my sweet, sweet body, actually.

RON: Oh… (pauses to think about it) … you know what, I think I'm alright as I am, thanks.

HERMIONE: Yeah… yeah, me too. (Sighs with boredom)

(Suddenly DRACO, who has been listening into this endlessly exiting conversation, saunters in wearing tight, tight ski-pants and a Russian-style furry hat. His SILENT MINIONS shuffle in uselessly behind him.)

DRACO: God, what do you two talk about when Potter's not around?

HERMIONE: For your information, Malfoy, in the books we actually have red-hot sexual tension and a deep and lasting-

DRACO: Yeah, well, you're not in the books now, Granger. (Significant look at Ron)

RON: Shut up, Malfoy.

DRACO: (Sneer falters as his eyes fill with tears) So… are you two… (lip wobbles)…looking for your new… dream home?

RON: (Shuffles his feet in embarrassment) Please, Malfoy, not here…

DRACO: (Pulling himself together) Boys, I think it's time we taught these two a lesson in how to respect their superiors.

HERMIONE: I really hope you don't mean yourselves-

DRACO: SHUT YOUR FILTHY MUDBLOOD MOUTH YOU MAN-STEALING BITCH HOR!!

HERMIONE: … What?

RON: Malfoy, please, we can talk later…

DRACO: TALK LATER!? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH HER!? YOU TRAITOROUS MAN-SLUT, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEE?!

(DRACO'S self pitying rant comes to an abrupt end as a snowball flies out of nowhere and smacks him in the face. A tedious snow-battle ensues in which we see CRABBE and/or GOYLE'S underwear, until eventually the BAD GUYS run away, bruised, battered and bloodstained.)

Outside The Hog's Head

(The TRIO loiter around outside the Hog's Head pub, trying to work out how they're going to get themselves in.)

HARRY: Okay, if Hermione goes in with her sister's ID, then Ron can say he left his at home, and I can use this fake beard I bought a few weeks ago…

(But then they see MADAM HOTTIE ROSMERTA, PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL, and THE FUDGESTER come round the corner. Harry watches them gormlessly, and doesn't put on his invisibility cloak even though the Minister of Magic and Professor McGonagall are both RIGHT THERE, and they have both specifically forbidden him from leaving Hogwarts.)

ROSMERTA: Come on in! Have a drink, put your feet up, and provide some exposition!

(HARRY finally puts the cloak on to follow them in, though he's such a n00b I wouldn't be at all surprised if he just followed them in wearing his fake beard as a disguise. RON and HERMIONE try to follow him in, but they find themselves face to face with their first bouncer, who doesn't accept Ron's 'I left my ID at home' ploy.)

ROSMERTA: Alright, so tell me all about Sirius Black.

THE FUDGESTER: He's a psycho. A complete and utter psycho who doesn't even bother to shave!

ROSMERTA: (gasps)

MCGONAGALL: Oh, and that's not even the worst of it. Not many people know that Black was best friends with James Potter at Hogwarts, and he totally betrayed him and his wife and child to Voldemort for nothing more than a faux-diamond tiara!

ROSMERTA: Oh my!

INVISIBLE HARRY: OMG!

THE FUDGESTER: And that's not the worst of it. You remember Peter Pettigrew?

ROSMERTA: Peter Pettigrew?

MCGONAGALL: You know, the weird kid who followed Black and Potter around like a lovesick puppy.

ROSMERTA: You mean Snape?

MCGONAGALL: No, I mean Peter Pettigrew. Short, fat kid? Looks suspiciously like a rat?

ROSMERTA: Oh yes, of course!

THE FUDGESTER: Well, Black killed Pettigrew and ate his remains in a murderous rage. All that could be found of Pettigrew was his finger.

MCGONAGALL: And… and… Black is also Harry Potter's godfather!

ROSMERTA: Wow. Now that's hardcore!

(HARRY chooses this moment to GTFO, as he has some Bad Acting to do, which apparently just cannot wait till later, no matter how much I might wish for it.)

The scene where I hide under my seat with embarrassment

HARRY: He was their friend!And he BETRAYED them! HE. WAS. THEIR. FRIIIEEEEEEEEEEEND! (weeps unconvincingly)

(RON and HERMIONE stand in horrified silence, left utterly speechless by such appalling acting.)

Office of Inappropriate Student/Teacher Relationships

(LUPIN has invited HARRY up to his office to 'learn how to defend himself against Dementors'. Which, in Creepy Teacher Talk, means 'learn how to suck my cock'. HARRY willingly obliges, while LUPIN closes his eyes and thinks either of Sirius or Lily or James or Snape. Possibly a combination of all four of them. Only what they don't know is that SNAPE has been hiding behind a curtain taking Polaroids, and decides to circulate the pictures around the school at the first opportunity. HARRY kills himself in a fit of humiliation, and LUPIN is hunted down and murdered by certain readers of the Daily Mail for being a 'kiddy-fiddler'…

None of this really happens.)

LUPIN: (Coaxingly) Close your eyes, Harry!

I have no words.

(LUPIN opens up a chest to reveal a Boggart/Dementor, which proceeds to try and eat HARRY'S soul. HARRY, unsurprisingly, n00bs up his first attempt, and so is forced to choke down yet more of LUPIN's 'special sweets'. Ahem.)

LUPIN: Let's try that again, shall we? You've got to think of a memory. An extremely powerful and erotic memory.

Note to readers – you might want to replace the word 'erotic' with the word 'happy' there. It might be a little more accurate.

(LUPIN opens the chest again, and out comes the FAUX-DEMENTOR, which once again tries to eat HARRY'S soul, which I find myself almost half-hoping it'll achieve, because Christ almighty, this scene is starting to drag, and it needs something to spice it up.)

HARRY: EXPECTO PARTONUM!

HARRY actually doesn't balls up at something for once, and manages to produce the charm. Well, what are the odds? I'm sure this particular spell, which only works against Dementors and nothing else, will be extremely useful in his battle against Voldemort, seeing as most of the third book and movie is devoted to him perfecting it. I'm sure it won't disappear after this book/movie, never to be seen again apart from a brief appearance in, oh, I don't know… book/movie 5, maybe? Because I'm sure JKR wouldn't waste our time like that.

Cough.

LUPIN: Fabulous, Harry! Out of interest, what were you thinking of to produce that charm?

HARRY: I was thinking of my parents. I was imagining them talking to me in my head. They were laughing, and smiling. Just being there for me, you know?

LUPIN:… Were they naked?

And so yet again in this movie we find ourselves watching an episode of 'Let's make absolutely no fucking sense'. What Harry just described is not a memory. It is a sad little fantasy he has created in his mind. In the book, Harry uses memories of Quidditch or of when he got accepted at Hogwarts. Why could they not be used, when they actually make a lot more sense? Or why didn't Lupin just say 'think of something happy' rather than 'think of a happy memory'? Oh, I don't know. Or care that much, actually. I just feel like being pedantic.

False Hopes Motel

(HARRY, RON and HERMIONE mope about in the COURTYARD as they make their way to the LAKE to see HAGRID.)

RON: Your cat ate my rat!

HERMIONE: Your mum ate your rat!

RON: God, I hate you so, so, so much! I hate you so much it gives me energy!

HERMIONE: Yeah, well the feeling's entirely mutual, you complete and utter tard! I would stab you to death, but I can't be bothered to clean your blood out of my new designer OOC threads!

RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: Er…

(They finally meet HAGRID, who is brooding in the LAKE in his furry suit, which he'll regret getting wet when he sees the dry-cleaning bill, I'm sure.)

HAGRID: Buckbeak's going to DIE because LUCIUS BLOODY MALFOY is a horrible, horrible man, who complained that not only was Buckbeak a danger to society, but that it's a disgrace that a Malfoy should even have to look at something as grotesque as a Hippogriff, never mind being assaulted by one, and he said Draco's Armani robes were circa 1995 and couldn't possibly be replaced, and…

FANGIRLS: (scream in sheer frustration at the mere mention of Lucius' name)

HAGRID: BUCKBEAK'S BEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH! (Chewbacca roar)

Meh. Seriously, I would care about Buckbeak, but my heart is made of ice.

Harry's Dorm

(RON awakes from a nightmare, whimpering with fright, having wet the bed with terror.)

RON: The Spiders want me to tapdance, Harry! Please, make them stop! Oh, Harry, please, I don't want to tapdance!

HARRY: You tell those spiders, Ron!

RON: Hold me!

HARRY: (Holds him)

STEVE KLOVES: Hahaha! It's funny because Ron's stupid.

RON FANS: (Make Kloves voodoo dolls)

RON goes to change his bed sheets. Meanwhile, HARRY looks at his MAP to see that none other than PETER MUTHERFUCKING PETTIGREW is apparently rambling around the Hogwarts corridors. Naturally, Harry decides to go for a midnight stroll, despite the fact that there's a murderer on the loose who is supposedly baying for his blood and has managed to break into Hogwarts once before.

Seriously. N00b.

Bitchy Corridor

SNAPE: Potter! What are you doing here?

HARRY: I was just… is that a nightdress you're wearing?

SNAPE: (raises eyebrow) What of it?

HARRY: (Peering closely) Are you wearing a face-mask?

SNAPE: I have an oily T-zone, alright? God, you're just like your father. Strutting around the castle, wiggling that impertinent, tight little backside-

HARRY: My dad did not strut! And nor do I! Now if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you would lower your wand!

Insert your own dick-joke here. In fact, just always replace the word 'wand' with 'dick' whenever reading or watching anything Harry Potter related. You'll find the results most entertaining. Especially if you are mentally twelve years old, as I am.

SNAPE: Turn out your pockets!

HARRY: Why is every teacher in this joint so interested in the contents of my trousers?

SNAPE: What is this?

HARRY: Totally not a magic map, why do you ask?

SNAPE: (Pointing his wand at the map) I, Severus Snape, command you to reveal your secrets!

MAP: Severus Snape, stop stalking Remus Lupin. He's not interested. 'Love' Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.

NON-HP FANS: Who the hell?

Note – you'll never find out, bitches. Even though the nicknames Padfoot and Wormtail will be used in future movies.

SNAPE: I demand the satisfaction of a gentleman!

LUPIN: (For it is he) Hey, what's going on here?

SNAPE: Nothing, Lupin. It's not as if I was (hysterical laughter) hanging around (snort) outside your office (laughs some more) just to be close to you, or anything…

LUPIN: Right.

SNAPE: (collects himself) Anyway, what are you doing out here? Taking a long walk in the moonlight, are you?

LUPIN: I don't know what you're implying-

SNAPE: I am implying that you, Remus.J.Lupin, are a werewolf in hiding. Therefore my statement about you walking in the moonlight has a delicious amount of irony, don't you think, Potter?

HARRY: (drools blankly) Did the map say you're stalking Lupin?

SNAPE: GAAAAAAAAH!

LUPIN: Hey, what's this? (takes the map)

SNAPE: A bitchy bit of parchment, that's what it is, and I want it destroyed immediately before it can sully my reputation any further!

LUPIN: Oh, let's not be silly! I think you should get back to bed, Severus, your face-mask is starting to crack. Meanwhile, Harry, if you'd like to come with me in the middle of the night to my dark, deserted classroom, which is not inappropriate at all, don't be silly, let's go quickly. (Ushers Harry out)

SNAPE: Must… kill… the wolf.

Lupin's Classroom

LUPIN: What were you doing alone with him in the corridor?

HARRY: We were just talking, Muffincake-

LUPIN: Don't try and be cute with me, Mister, I am in no mood! And while we're at it, where did you get this map from?

HARRY: How do you know it's a map?

LUPIN: I just do!

(Note – this is actually the only explanation we get for Lupin knowing it's a map.)

HARRY: Well, whatever, it doesn't matter anyway – that map's rubbish. It said Peter Pettigrew was in the castle this evening.

LUPIN: Ha! Aha! Peter Pettigrew! AS IF!

HARRY: I'm just saying, is all. God, I've had enough of this. I'm going to bed.

LUPIN: Well, if I see you talking to that greasy-haired slut one more time-

HARRY: I'M GOING TO BED NOW!!

Meanwhile, back in Trelawney's chamber of LIES

TRELAWNEY: Out on the wild and wiiiiindy moor, we'd roll and fall in green, you had a temper like my jealousyyy-

HERMIONE: Oh Jesus.

TRELAWNEY: … You know, Missy, you'll die alone unless you stop being such a loser. No boy wants to date a girl who reads.

HERMIONE: Whatever, bitch, I'm out of here. And I'm gonna throw this crystal ball down the stairs while I'm at it.

On the Stairs

RON: Hermione's a psycho. I mean a proper psycho! You Know Who is probably scared of her-

HARRY: Probably. Oh look, the crystal ball Hermione threw down the stairs. Better take it back.

(HARRY goes back into the classroom to return the School's property, but stops before he leaves to see a SINISTER FACE in the crystal ball.)

HARRY: What the-

(Suddenly, TRELAWNEY grabs hold of his shoulder, apparently undergoing what is commonly known as a spaz attack.)

TRELAWNEY: Tonight the Dark Lord's servant will return to his master, innocent blood will be spilt, and it will all be Harry Potter's fault because he is a complete n00000000000000000000000b (chokes)

HARRY: … What is it with the teachers in this place? Always trying to cop a feel…

The Blood-soaked Grounds of Hogwarts

The TRIO make their way down to HAGRID'S hut to comfort HAGRID before BUCKBEAK'S execution. HERMIONE wears a pink hoodie, which is a little unwise considering that in Britain you can actually be imprisoned for life for wearing a hooded top in the street. Seriously, not one word of a lie there.

Halfway down the hill, they bump into none other than-

MALFOY: Oh look, it's the Holy Trinity-

(Emma Watson chooses this moment to do her first bit of really bad acting)

HERMIONE: YOU! You foul, loathsome, EVIL little COCKROACH!

DRACO: (Whimpers) Oh please god, no! Not a small girl in a pink hoodie and a rainbow belt! How can I possibly hold my own against that?

HERMIONE: (Punches Draco so hard his head does a full 180 degree turn, teaching young girls that violence is COOL and GURL POWAH!!1!)

HARRY AND RON: Bloody hell!

DRACO squeals and cries like a little girl after being assaulted by… a little girl. In a pink hoodie. And yet somehow we're going to have to take this boy seriously as a sinister baby Death-Eater in movie 6. Not to be an ice-blooded cynic or anything, but I don't know whether there's enough CGI in the world to pull that off now.

DRACO: Don't let her eat my heart!

DRACO and his SILENT MINIONS make themselves useful and GTFO.

HERMIONE: That felt good!

RON: Yeah, it looked it!

HERMIONE: No, I mean, god, what a rush!

HARRY: Yeah… it was pretty… um…

HERMIONE: (Breathing heavily, wide-eyed) Did you see blood? I want to see blood!

RON: OH LOOK, HAGRID'S WAITING FOR US!

HERMIONE: Yes, yes… I can tell him about how I punched Malfoy so hard I dislodged part of his brain… heh. Heheh.

RON: (Whispers) Harry, I'm scared.

HARRY: Me too, Ron. Me too.

Chez Hagrid

HAGRID: Aw, look at Buckbeak. Enjoying his last moments on this earth. It's so unfair that such a beautiful and affectionate wild animal should be caged before being executed for behaving in a manner that's completely in it's nature, and-

OBSESSMUCH: (snores)

HAGRID: Oh, by the way Ron, your rat showed up in my underwear drawer.

RON: Aw! He used to spend so many happy hours in mine! Scabbers, hi!

HERMIONE: So are you gonna apologise, bitch?

RON: You wish, bitch!

HERMIONE: Slut!

RON: Whore!

HERMIONE: GINGER PUBES!

RON: Oh no you di'nt-

WINDOW: (smashes)

ALL: WTF?

HARRY: Ow! Fucking random flying stones, where the hell… OMGDumbledoreFudgesterandExecutionergaaaah!

(For it is they)

FANGIRLS: No Lucius? Not at all? Not even a brief cameo?

Back on the Grounds

THE TRIO quickly GTFO and run up the hill to observe MACNAIR executing Buckbeak who is, quite conveniently, not entirely visible to them.

HERMIONE: No! The hideously ugly beast that was a danger to itself and society is dead, woe!

THE TRIO: (hug threesomely)

AUDIENCE: …Whut?

FILM BUFFS: (smugly) It's an homage to Y tu mama tambien.

NO-ONE: (cares)

RON: OW! Muther… Scabbers, what are you doing?

(For SCABBERS has bitten RON'S finger off and is making a bid for freedom.)

RON: (chasing after him) Scabbers, nooo, come back!

SCABBERS: Dammit Ron, when a rat bites your finger off then runs away at a hundred miles an hour it means 'let me go', it does not mean 'chase after me, screaming my name and giving away my location'!

(RON throws himself on the ground and grabs hold of his beloved rat, petting and kissing it.)

HERMIONE:… Wow, there's so much I don't know about my future husband.

RON: (Points behind Harry and Hermione) Eeeeeeeeeee, the Grim!

HARRY and HERMIONE turn to see previously mentioned MAD DOG bound up behind them and head towards Ron.

HERMIONE: Well, shit.

MAD DOG: (grabs Ron and drags him towards the Whomping Willow)

RON: AAAAAARRRRGH, HARRY, HERMIONE, JEEEBUS, HELP ME!

HARRY: But… wait… what's he going after Ron for? My movie, people? Nothing matters but me?

MAD DOG: (eyeroll)

(RON screams and whimpers like a girl as he's dragged into a hole that lies at the bottom of the tree. As HARRY and HERMIONE go to rescue him, however, the tree decides to beat them senseless.)

HARRY: Wow, this tree is much better quality CGI this year.

TREE: You know it, bitch. (thwaps)

(A tree branch goes hell-power for HERMIONE, who manages to leap cleanly over it, being an all-action heroine and everything. Cough. However, another one picks her up pretty sharpish, sending her flying. Yet somehow she manages to grab hold of HARRY and lift him up with her, defying all laws of gravity, logic, and basic common sense. The two of them are thrown around by the branches, possibly breaking a limb or two or losing an eye in the process, until eventually HARRY finds himself thrown right into the hole we saw RON fall through about three hours ago (what are the odds?) He is swiftly followed by HERMIONE, who lands on top of him in a manner which is not at all misleading and highly sexual, why do you ask?)

HERMIONE: (panting) Oh, Harry… (moans slightly)… I'm so… (pants some more)… sorry!

HARRY: That's… okay (groans). I don't mind that you're… (heavy breathing) …on top of me… and moaning… (groans again)

(Okay, that's perhaps a slight exaggeration.)

The two of them creep through a long, ominous tunnel, not stopping to consider that it might be a good idea to GTFO of there and alert the proper authorities (I'm thinking Animal Control) that a large and possibly rabid dog has managed to get hold of their friend. I don't want to get heavily into this, but that would seem like the more sensible option, and (dare I say it) that's also what a Slytherin would do. But we all know that all Slytherins are TEH EBIL!!1!, and so we cannot support any of their ideas, even when they might actually be good ones. As it is, throughout the series we are expected to believe that rampant stupidity and rashness is equal to bravery and nobility and all that is good in the world. Because that is the Gryffindor way of doing things. And so we follow our valiant duo down the corridor and into…

The Shrieking Shack

RON is sitting on the floor. Can you guess what he's doing? Can you? Yes, that's right, he's whimpering! As always. Here, have a cookie.

Meanwhile, Canon Ron rolls around in his grave (for the record, Canon Ron suffered his movie death in movie 2, just so you know. Canon Hermione is soon to follow, BTW – her heart rate is dangerously low at the moment due to her movie counterpart's rampant OOC-ness.)

RON: (Wailing) Harry, nooo! It's him! He's an animagus!

HARRY:… A what?

HARRY and HERMIONE turn around to see SIRIUS BLACK in his full glory. He looks rather like a Heroin-addled tramp who's seen better days and hasn't washed for twenty years. And he has a beard. Which probably has bits of food in it. Canon Sirius throws back his handsome head and wails at the sky.

HERMIONE: (planting herself in front of Harry like a human meat shield) If you want to kill Harry you'll have to kill us too!

RON: Waaait a minute! That was my line! Why can't I have my line?

STEVE KLOVES: Hermione says it so much better!

RON: But… aw, come on! This is, like, one of my finest moments in the books!

DAVID HEYMAN: You know the rules, Ronnikins.

RON: But…

DAVID HEYMAN: (Encouraging, patronising smile) Do the face!

RON: But…

DAVID HEYMAN: DO IT!

RON: Urgh. ('Comical' scared face).

DAVID HEYMAN: Excellent.

SIRIUS: (Looks at Hermione) What's the Pink Power Ranger talking about?

HARRY: I KEEEEL YOU!!1

HARRY lunges himself at SIRIUS, pointing his wand at him in a manner which I presume he thinks is threatening. SIRIUS, quite rightly, pisses himself laughing at his n00bishness.

SIRIUS: Bitch, please!

SIRIUS' TEETH: (Reduce people to tears of sheer horror. Meanwhile, Canon Sirius looks in the mirror just to remind himself of what a sexy beast he really is).

LUPIN: Harry, no!

HARRY: Gah! Where did you come from?

LUPIN: Nowhere! It's not as if I was following you, or anything.

SIRIUS: Oh god, Remus, not again. Can't you at least wait till he's legal-

LUPIN: Shut it, Padfoot.

SIRIUS:…

LUPIN:…

MUSIC: Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we?

SIRIUS: Could we?

LUPIN: Good god, I've missed that beard.

SIRIUS FANGIRLS: We haven't.

HERMIONE: NOOOO! I trusted you, Lupin!

AUDIENCE: Wait… did she even speak to him until now?

HERMIONE: He's a werewolf, Harry!

EVERYONE ON SCRREN: OMG, no he di'nt, oh snap, etc etc.

AUDIENCE: … And they didn't see that coming how?

OBSESSMUCH: Fuck knows. Steve Kloves only employs subtlety when it comes to the Ron/Hermione relationship, don't cha know? And by 'subtlety', I mean 'complete ignorance'. But I digress…

LUPIN: Well, well, well, Hermione, you really are the Brightest Witch Of Your Age (tm).

And that statement would be fine (has canon basis, etc), if it weren't for the fact that Kloves can't just leave well enough alone and realise you can have too much of a good thing. Suffice to say that fawning statement will be back to haunt us. But more of that anon.

SIRIUS: Yes, he's a werewolf, but NO ONE CARES because I am BATSHIT CRAYZEE and want REVENGE!

HARRY: On me! He's talking about me!

SIRIUS: No I'm not, you arrogant HALFWIT! Not everything in the movie's about YOU, you know!

HARRY: But… but it's my movie, and… and things. I mean, it's not 'Hermione Granger and the Prisoner of Azkaban', is it?

STEVE KLOVES: (Bursts into tears)

SIRIUS: Oh, for god's sake! Peter Pettigrew killed your parents, alright! And you know what else? He's HERE! In this very ROOM! And I want him to come out, because I want to PLAY with him!

The TRIO back slowly away from the crazy as he cackles to himself, dribbles, and starts to mutter to himself about a 'precious'. Or something. To be honest, my attention is waning. Or I should say it was, until-

SNAPE: Did somebody order some smex?

AUDIENCE: THANK THE LORD!

SNAPE minces in, camp fire blazing merrily.

SNAPE: Dumbledore's trusted werewolf has been helping his bit of rough into the castle? Heh. I so did not see this coming.

LUPIN: Don't be such a girl, Severus-

SNAPE: DON'T DIRTY MY NAME WITH YOUR TONGUE!

SIRIUS: Seriously, what's up with you two?

LUPIN:…

SNAPE:…

LUPIN:…

SNAPE: So… I see you've got your… your fancy man back, Lupin…

LUPIN: Who, Harry?

SIRIUS: He means me, idiot!

LUPIN: Oh.

SNAPE: But there's better for you, Remus! And it's right here.

(SNAPE begins to chase LUPIN around the room)

SNAPE: Get your down-trodden arse back here! I've wanted you for so long…

(Okay, this isn't really what happens.)

SIRIUS: Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set?

I don't know whether this merits a 'BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRN!' Instead, I'm going to settle for a 'Whut?'

SNAPE: (Looms threateningly over Sirius) Just give me a reason…

(Unfortunately, HARRY decides to unleash his n00bishness at this precise moment, and ruin the SNAPE/SIRIUS/LUPIN chemistry forever. Damn Harry, damn him!)

HARRY: Expelliarmus!

(SNAPE flies backwards and into the four-poster bed. Half the women in the audience faint dead away at the prospect of having Snape helpless in a four-poster bed.)

HERMIONE: WHAT THE HELL, HARRY?!

HARRY: What's going on here, Black?

SIRIUS: Oh, Christ. (Deep breath) PeterPettigrewisnotreallydeadhebetrayedyourparentsfornothingmorethanafauxdiamantetiaraandwhenIwenttoconfronthimheblewhimselfupandcutoffhisfingertoframemeandIwenttoprisonandwentbatshitcrazywhilehedisguisedhimselfasaratandwenttolivewithyourbestfriend! (gasp, gasp)

THE TRIO:…

RON: Seriously, Harry, you don't believe this shit, do you?

HARRY: You know what? I actually do!

HERMIONE: Er…

RON: But… but that man is BATSHIT CRAZY!

HERMIONE: You know I hate Ron with all my heart and soul, Harry, but I think he's right here. I mean, it's a pretty rubbish and far-out explanation and we've got absolutely no evidence to back it up-

HARRY: No, I totally trust my instinct! Here, crazy murderer guy - have Ron's rat! Do with him what you will!

RON: HEY!

Fortunately, SCABBERS proceeds to turn into none other than PETER MUTHERFUCKING PETTIGREW. And now we have confirmation that the Marauders were not, in fact, the hottest, most popular group in Hogwarts, but were in fact a collective of the ugliest students Hogwarts had to offer in the 1970's.

MY EYES: (start to bleed)

PETER: (grabs Harry) Harry, you look so much like James!

HARRY: Don't touch me! Seriously, I am sick and tired of being groped!

SIRIUS: You sold James and Lily to Voldemort for a faux-diamante tiara – do you deny it?

PETER: Oh, Sirius, you don't understand! Voldemort told me they were real diamonds! What would you have done?

SIRIUS: I WOULD HAVE CHECKED THEIR AUTHENTICITY FIRST, you HALFWIT! Good god, I can stand it no longer. Let's kill him, Remus. And… could we possibly…?

LUPIN: Yes, Sirius, if you really want we can eat his remains.

SIRIUS: Ooooh goody!

HARRY: No, wait, you can't kill him!

LUPIN: … Whut?

SIRIUS: But… but I was promised ritualistic cannibalism!

HARRY: No! I don't think my dad would want his best friends to become cannibals just for scum like this! He can go to the Dementors. If anyone deserves them, it's him!

(I, for one, am not buying this 'noble hero' crap. Harry is not allowing Wormtail to live because he's too good-hearted to let him die. He is allowing him to live because he is a massive, massive n00b.)

Back on the Grounds

SIRIUS: So you see, I'm actually incredibly nice and remarkably sane.

HARRY: Really? I would never have guessed, what with the crazy tramp beard, the maniacal laughter, the psychopathic screaming and the ritualistic cannibalism…

SIRIUS: No Harry, keep up – I'm a good guy now. Which means I can hold on to none of the flaws I displayed when the audience believed me to be a bad guy.

HARRY: You can't?

SIRIUS: Of course I can't! This is Harry Potter, movie style! We can't possibly have any morally ambiguous characters, can we? Steve Kloves' head would probably explode upon undertaking such a task. Anyways, I was wondering, what with me being your godfather and all, whether you'd like to move in with me?

HARRY: Aw, I don't know. Lupin might get awfully jealous-

SIRIUS: Pfff. You don't need to worry about him! You're barely going to speak to him ever again once this movie's done.

HARRY: But… but we've been conducting a deep and meaningful relationship for almost a year now!

SIRIUS: Seriously Harry, you say barely two words to each other in movie five. Whereas we get all the deep and meaningful conversations you guys had, but with extra hugs thrown in.

HARRY: Sweet!

(Alas, this sickly-sweet bonding session is not to last. The full moon, which has until now remained thoughtfully hidden, chooses this moment to unveil itself)

SIRIUS: Oh dear.

LUPIN: (Pitches a spaz)

SIRIUS: No, Remus, this isn't you! You aren't really a wolf! Listen to your heart, Remus! For fuck's sake, try and act normal!

(As SIRIUS THE IDIOT tries to convince a transforming werewolf to just, you know, ignore the full moon and shit, PETER makes the first intelligent decision of his life and takes this as his cue to GTFO.)

PETER: So long, bitches!

HARRY: Noooooo! Ah, the burn of bitter, bitter irony! Oh, why did I allow him to live?

(Note to HARRY – Because you are a n00b.)

Meanwhile, LUPIN has transformed into a wolf, while SIRIUS is suddenly no-where to be seen. HERMIONE, despite being supposedly The Brightest Witch Of Her Age (tm), decides it might be a good idea to try and approach a fully-fledged werewolf and call him by his human name, seemingly because she thinks this might be a good way of stopping him from causing them any harm.

HERMIONE: Professor Lupin?

LUPINWOLF: AWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

RON: (whimpers)

(Meanwhile, SNAPE emerges from under the tree)

SNAPE: Oh yes, that's just fine! Leave me there to die, why don't you? How the hell did you expect me to get out from under that tree unscathed? Fucking ungrateful little bastards-

LUPINWOLF: AWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

SNAPE: Oh shit!

(SNAPE, unlike SIRIUS, actually makes himself useful and shields the children with his body. In case I hadn't mentioned it before now, despite me mercilessly taking the piss out of him, I think Snape totally rules.)

SIRIUSDOG: I'm back, bitch! Let's fight, doggy style!

PUPPYSHIPPERS: (die of happiness)

ANOTHER OFFSCREEN WEREWOLF: AWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOL!

EVERYONE: WTF?

AUDIENCE: WTH?

(We shall hear more of this Wolf-Cry anon. WOLFLUPIN, however, seems to take it as a prompt to GTFO. Meanwhile, an injured SIRIUS transforms back into human form and shambles off to the lake, for some reason best known to himself.)

HARRY: Sirius?

SIRIUS: (passes out)

(As HARRY fusses over his new Sugar Daddy's unconscious form, those fucking, fucking Dementors show up again, and Christ Almighty, I am fast losing patience with this movie right now.)

HARRY: Expecto Patronum!

Harry fails in his attempt to defend himself. Because, as previously established, he is a massive n00b.

DEMENTORS: We can haz soulz?

HARRY AND SIRIUS: (Twitch, scream, weep)

HARRY: Expecto-

SIRIUS' SOUL: (leaves his mouth)

HARRY: Noooo, not my new sugar daddy!

SILVER STAG: Fear not, bitches!

(The SILVER STAG proceeds to pwn the Dementors. No-one who hasn't read the books will understand why exactly it's a silver stag that comes to their rescue and not, say, a silver fish or something, but no-one seems to care about that. Anyway, Harry sees the Stag return to a SHADOWY FIGURE before he passes out like the n00b that he is.)

The Hospital Wing

As HARRY wakes up, HERMIONE leans over him, tenderly mopping his brow, while RON lies in absolute agony in his own bed, his leg bloody and mangled. But because Hermione apparently hates him more than anything else in the world, she ignores him completely.

HARRY: Daddy?

HERMIONE: What?

HARRY: Nothing. What's going on?

HERMIONE: Well, er… the Dementors have got Sirius and they're going to eat his soul.

DUMBLEDORE: Whaddup, Midgets?

HERMIONE: Professor, you have to do something! Sirius is innocent; you can't let him die!

DUMBLEDORE: Question – why do you seem to care more than Harry?

HERMIONE: Because I am so much more important than him, that's why!

RON: You see, Professor, it turns out that my rat-

HERMIONE: SHUT UP, RON! No-one cares what you have to say. God!

DUMBLEDORE: Okay, well I think my work here is done. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do in this situation. Hmm. TIME for a cup of tea, I think. Yes. There's never a bad TIME for a nice cup of tea. SomeTIMES I like to have a cup of tea as I WATCH the CLOCK in my study, ticking the HOURS away. THREE HOURS exactly, in fact. Yes. TIME. Goodnight. (exits)

HARRY: I like tea.

HERMIONE: God almighty, do I have to do everything around here?

RON: Not in the books you don't, no.

HERMIONE: Come on, we've got to save Sirius! Sorry you can't come, Ron, but the cold hard facts of the matter are you can't walk and I hate you. Want to try on my pretty necklace, Harry?

HARRY: Oooo.

HERMIONE and HARRY both put on the pretty, pretty necklace, and suddenly find the movie re-winding around them. Sort of. And so we arrive at…

The Beginning of the Really Annoying, Boring, Repetitive and Overly Long 'Climax' of the Movie. Sigh.

HERMIONE: Come on, let's go!

HARRY: Hermione, what's happened?

HERMIONE: No time to explain! Follow me!

They run down to the grounds, and they see… OMG HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE IN THE PAST!

HARRY: Oh ma gaaawd!

Hermione grabs Harry and slams him against the wall.

HARRY: Oh, so that's the kind of shit you're into.

HERMIONE: My pretty necklace is not just a pretty necklace at all, Harry. It's actually a time-turner. That's how I've been getting to my lessons all year.

HARRY: But… but I didn't hear anything about you taking extra classes.

HERMIONE: Of course you didn't. I'm Hermione Granger. I'm far too cool to actually make it known that I'm clever in any way. A nerdy female lead doesn't sell a movie, you know.

HARRY: Right. So what have we got to do?

HERMIONE: Well obviously we've got to go and rescue Sirius and also Buckbeak at the same time!

HARRY: Wow. I'm so glad we're not in the books, because I would never have thought of that idea myself at all. Only Hermione Granger could think up such a wonderful plan.

STEVE KLOVES: (beams)

Harry and Hermione emerge to watch past!Hermione knock out Draco's two front teeth and dislodge his jaw.

HARRY: That was seriously hardcore, Hermione.

HERMIONE: (panting heavily) I know. Heh. Heheh.

DRACO and his SILENT MINIONS run past Harry and Hermione's hiding place.

DRACO: I can't thpeak! I'm bleeding! I think my jaw ith broken! Oh, who would have thought that the fitht of thuch a tiny girl could cauthe tho much agony?

Harry and Hermione follow their past selves down the hill, and go to hide in the pumpkin patch (which makes me wonder how involved the movie people are in the fandom and the H.M.S Pumpkin Pie. Just a thought.) They spy on their past selves through Hagrid's window.

HARRY: Oh noes, Dumbledore, the Fudgester and the Executioner are arriving! Why aren't we leaving? What are we going to do? Please, Hermione, I'm so useless – can't you think of something?

HERMIONE: Of course I can.

HERMIONE grabs some rocks and throws them through Hagrid's window to warn their past selves to GTFO, because Hermione is very good in a crisis. You know – just like in the book where she forgot she was a witch and capable of creating a fire that would save Harry and Ron from the Devil's Snare. Good in a crisis, that's our Hermione.

The DUO OF DULL (as they shall now be known) run into the trees to watch themselves spying on HAGRID. And at this moment of incredible tension and danger, just what does Hermione – geeky, bookish, sensible, clever Hermione – decide to risk discovery for?

HERMIONE: Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?

At this exact moment, Canon Hermione sits up, coughs one last great, hacking cough, clutches at her Hogwarts: A History, and flops down dead. A minute's silence, please!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60

Meanwhile, back in Canon-Rape land, the DUO OF DULL manage to get hold of Buckbeak. Tedious, ferret-involved hi-jinks ensue, and I lose the will to live. Eventually, our newly formed TRIO OF DULL manage to pull themselves together and GTFO, pausing as they leave to observe MACNAIR executing a pumpkin. As you do.

The Forest of Dull and Pointless Shipping

We are treated to a (actually rather beautiful) shot of bats flying through the forest. Thank goodness they don't fly anywhere near Hermione's hair, though, otherwise we would be here all night. As it is, we have to put up with one of Harry and Hermione's (completely movie-invented) Deep And Meaningful Conversations. Yawn.

HARRY: So here we are. All alone. In the sexy, sexy woods.

HERMIONE: Indeed. And as much as I'd like to make out, that's not what happens in the books.

HARRY: Yeah, but in the books you're a nerd with bushy hair, Ron's not a whimpering coward, Sirius is hawt, Lupin isn't creepy, Snape isn't unintentionally hilarious, and Draco is straight. But we're in the movies now, Hermione.

HERMIONE: Uh-huh. But in case you hadn't noticed, we have absolutely no on-screen chemistry. And I know that Ron and I don't either, but at least that relationship actually has basis in the books.

HARRY: Wait… you get together with Ron in the books? But then… what are we always hanging onto each other for?

HERMIONE: Two words - box-office.

HARRY: So… our meaningful chats?

HERMIONE: Box-office.

HARRY: Our overly-long hugs?

HERMIONE: Box-office.

HARRY: That completely un-canon and irritating moment in GOF when you kiss me on the head-

HERMIONE: Seriously, Harry, I'm getting tired of repeating myself here. Just let the Harry/Hermione shippers take what they can get, okay?

HARRY: Dammit. So who do I get together with in the books, then?

HERMIONE: Ginny.

HARRY: Who?

HERMIONE: Ginny.

HARRY: I know not this 'Jenny' you speak of-

HERMIONE: No, Ginny. You know, Ron's sister?

HARRY: …

HERMIONE: You rescued her from the Chamber of Secrets last year.

HARRY: (blinks)

HERMIONE: Eh, forget it. She's not going to have any more lines for the next two movies, anyway.

HARRY: Oh, okay. Anyway, you know earlier when Sirius and I were by the lake and someone rescued us from the Dementors?

HERMIONE: Yes?

HARRY: It was totally my dad.

HERMIONE: Oh, Harry. Someone needs a whole lot of therapy, don't they?

HARRY: Don't piss on the hero's bonfire, Hermione.

The DUO OF DULL observe as their PAST SELVES come out from under the Whomping Willow with SIRIUS, LUPIN, RON and PETER. Suddenly, LUPIN transforms into a wolf, and we're treated to a whole fucking repeat of the whole fucking scene, and Jesus Christ, this story does not transfer well to film at all. They realise that LUPIN THE WOLF is about to eat their past selves, or something, and so Hermione – clever, sensible Hermione – decides to be an utter fuckwit.

HERMIONE: Aaaa-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Canon Hermione turns in her grave. This will certainly not be the last time she does this.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, LUPIN THE WOLF decides to try and knock the heads off these two completely irritating n00bs, who are really ruining his night and offending him with their horrible, stereotypical impressions of his wolf-cry.

HERMIONE: Run, run!

HARRY: Let's hold hands!

(They hold hands. A lot.)

HERMIONE: Harry! Hold me!

HARRY: (Holds her)

BUCKBEAK suddenly arrives out of nowhere and pwns WOLF-LUPIN, who buggers off to… actually I have no idea where he goes. The movie doesn't bother to fill us in.

Meanwhile, HARRY and HERMIONE continue to hug.

HERMIONE: Oh… (groans)… Harry, that was so… (grinds)… horrible!

HARRY: I know… (moans)… please… hold me… closer!

Fortunately, they spot SIRIUS and THE OTHER HARRY by the lake, and break apart to go and watch them get their souls sucked out.

HARRY: My dad's totally coming to save us!

HERMIONE: Er…

HARRY: He'll be here in just a second!

DEMENTORS: We can haz soulz?

MEMORY HARRY AND SIRIUS: (Twitch, scream, weep)

HERMIONE: Harry, I don't really think…

HARRY: He'll be here, alright!

MEMORY HARRY AND SIRIUS: Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh! My soul, my precious soul!

HERMIONE: Okay, Harry, seriously…

HARRY: MY DADDY'S COMING, DAMN YOU! AND IT WILL BE AWESOME AND HE WILL OWN THOSE DEMENTORS AND WHEN HE DOES I WILL SO EXPECT AN APOLOGY FROM YOU FOR DOUBTING HIM, BECAUSE HE IS MY DADDY AND HE LOVES ME!!

Gah… I just… N00B!!

HARRY: … Any minute now!

After a seeming age (during which I start to get my potato peeler ready to slash my wrists) HARRY finally gets his shit together and produces a STAG PATRONUS to get rid of the DEMENTORS.

Just on a side note – seriously, this fucking n00b managed to destroy supposedly the greatest Dark Wizard to ever walk the earth? I hope Voldemort is properly ashamed of himself.

Anyway, back to the movie. HARRY watches as his STAG PATRONUS pwns multiple DEMENTORS. Non-book readers will not understand why his Patronus is a stag, because as has been established already, back-story is not important compared to pretty montages, Ron's holiday in Egypt, and Hermione's hair.

Rescuing Sirius. Finally.

HARRY and HERMIONE ride the Hippogriff to rescue SIRIUS. (Note – 'riding the hippogriff' is not the same as 'chasing the dragon' in the magical world, though to be honest I kind of wish it was, because I think having Harry and Hermione becoming heroin addicts might be an interesting plot twist. But as always, I don't get what I want. Sigh.)

HARRY: Hey Hermione, guess what? It wasn't my dad who rescued us at all!

HERMIONE: Well, no shit.

HARRY: Yeah, I know! Cos it was actually-

HERMIONE: I don't care, Harry! I'm quite literally shitting myself here!

HERMIONE blows the door off SIRIUS' cell (gurl powahhh), which was probably not insured and will cost an arm and a leg to fix. Seems unnecessary, really, when a simple (and canon) Alohomora would have done just as well. Anyway, SIRIUS partakes in a HARRY and HERMIONE sandwich as the three of them ride the Hippogriff to freedom. Coincidentally, this is my OT3. After Ron/Draco/Ginny, Lucius/Bella/Narcissa, Hermione/Fred/George, and in fact every other Harry Potter threesome ever created.

The Moonlit Courtyard of WTF-ery

SIRIUS: Oh, how could I ever repay you?

HERMIONE: Well you could start by getting the fuck out of here before we get in trouble.

SIRIUS: No, no, I must bond with Harry first!

HERMIONE: But… all of our lives are at risk here!

SIRIUS: I am Sirius Black! I am a risk-taking daredevil!

HERMIONE: Oh, come on! It's a bit late for you to start behaving like your canon-counterpart now!

SIRIUS: You're one to talk, Emmione.

HERMIONE: Touché.

SIRIUS: Come Harry; let us walk together through the moonlight. I'll bet Lupin never took you on moonlit walks.

HARRY: No, but to be fair he couldn't really, could he?

SIRIUS: Never mind. I shall fill the void he will leave in your life. You won't see me at all during the next movie, but in the movie after that I swear we'll have so much distinctly creepy bonding time you won't know what's hit you!

HARRY: Woot!

HERMIONE: Okay, seriously - time to go.

(SIRIUS climbs aboard BUCKBEAK, and delivers his parting shot.)

SIRIUS: You really are the brightest witch of your age, Hermione.

(Told you that would come back to bite us in the arse.)

HARRY: But… but you don't even know her! Don't you want your last line to be something about how I'm truly my father's son, thus setting the foundation for our entire relationship?

SIRIUS: Hi-ho, Buckbeak, away!

(And our intrepid duo fly away into the… moonset.)

Back in the Hospital Wing

RON: Look, I'm not being funny, but I think that considering you just disappeared before my very eyes only to come back through the doors two seconds later, it is perfectly reasonable of me to expect an explanation. So could you please tell me what the fuck's going on, or else I'm going to need a whole load of serious therapy.

HARRY AND HERMIONE: Bwahahahahahahaha!

RON: …I'm totally the official third-wheel in this group now, aren't I?

One final session of inappropriateness in Lupin's classroom, because apparently we just haven't had enough of that sort of thing in this movie

LUPIN: I'm afraid I've had to resign, Harry. Apparently, people don't want someone like me teaching their children…

OBSESSMUCH: Well, no shit.

LUPIN: …what with me being a werewolf and everything.

OBSESSMUCH: …Oh yeah, that.

LUPIN: And apparently Snape decided to spread some rumours around that I've previously been on some kind of register, or something.

HARRY: Register? What kind of register?

LUPIN: That's not important. What's important right now is that you get your map back.

HARRY: Oh, great! Hey, I don't suppose you could fill me in on who Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are before you leave, could you?

LUPIN: Sorry Harry, no time! I've got a mob full of Daily Mail readers waiting outside baying for my blood. So if you'll excuse me…

(LUPIN proceeds to make his escape by jumping out of the window and shimmying down the drainpipe.)

HARRY: Why do all my sugar daddies leave?

And now, the punch line…

SEAMUS: OMG HARRY YOU'VE GOT A BRAND NEW BROOM!!1! CAN I HAVE A GO ON IT PLEAZEEEEEE!?

HARRY: Seriously, get some drama coaching or something. God.

SEAMUS: At least I limit my cringe-worthiness to one line, wanker.

HARRY: Oooh, pretty broom! Who's it from?

HERMIONE: A malting bird, it seems.

HARRY proceeds to jump on his new broom and flies off around the grounds looking extremely happy. Apparently we, as viewers, are supposed to give a crap.

God only knows why.

Fin.