My friend, Pizzazz, and I decided that every Wednesday in English class, she will pick two random numbers, and I will write a romance story about those two. In that order. She picked 8 and 2. Pein and Tobi. :D These lists change order every week, so they're totally unpredictable. These can all change genres and everything. They might be humor or angst. Different ratings, too. So please enjoy this first installment of Crack Wednesdays: this week featuring PeinTobi!
Rating: T for language
Summary: Tobi's being annoying, and his victim of the day is Pein.
Crack Wednesdays 1
"Pein-chan," came the annoying warble of a certain orange-masked criminal. The office door swung open to reveal the owner of the voice, standing there in all his glory.
The ginger-haired man exhaustedly placed his forehead into his palm. "Madara, how the hell am I supposed to carry out your orders if you insist on visiting me every hour?"
The Uchiha propped the mask higher onto his face. "Oh, don't stress about it, Pein-chan," he giggled, taking a seat on the battered desk and swinging his legs to and fro as if he were a flirting schoolgirl.
Pein sighed impatiently, rubbing his sore eyes. "Madara-san. Tobi. Whatever the hell you are today. This is an organization full of blood lusty criminals we're running, not a playground." He reached for a sheaf of scrolls Kakuzu had just brought in, which were serving as the true leader's seat cushion. "Ugh." He took one end of the largest scroll, experimentally tugging. He was rewarded by a muffled tearing sound. "Fuck. On a stick." He swore, glaring at Tobi's rear in frustration. "Tobi!" He barked, startling the tall man.
"Eep! Gomen, Pein-chan!" The childish character squeaked, hopping off the pile of scrolls. The pierced man rolled his gray eyes, choosing to stay silent. He gathered the partly smashed scrolls in his long arms, protectively hugging them to his chest. He winced as the orange mask suddenly leaned close to his.
"Pein-chan," he sang again, the crimson eye mercifully closed beneath the mask.
"Don't call me that," the ginger man growled, massaging his temples. "What do you want, Madara-san?"
"Tobi is Tobi today," the clueless fool corrected cheerfully. "And Tobi wants Pein-chan to talk with him! Tobi's bored! Deidara-sempai won't way any attention to Tobi, and neither will Sasori-sensei, Hidan-san, Kakuzu-sensei, Itachi-san, Kisame-sensei, Konan-san, even Zetsu-sempai!"
The head of Akatsuki stifled a groan. "Wonder why." He growled under his breath. "And why am I the only –chan?" He demanded sourly, glaring accusingly up at his technical superior.
"Because Pein-chan is the cutest, Pein-chan!" Tobi squealed, clapping his palms together in a sign of adoration. The questionable criminal let out a yelp of surprise as he was suddenly smashed against the desk surface, collar wrapped tightly in the Rin'negan holder's fist.
"Tobi. I'll have you understand something. I. Am. Not. Cute." He roughly released the boy, scowling through studded lips as the oddity flailed his arms desperately, only to belly-flop uselessly on the table.
Eagerly, the boy propped himself up on his elbows, chin cradled in his gloved hands. "Pein-chan, were you trying to kiss Tobi?" He cooed in a voice that sounded as if he were attempting seduction.
The ringed eyes returned to his paperwork, a hand reaching out to shove Tobi in the face. "No. Go give Hidan a flower."
"But- but- he'll sacrifice it to Jashin!" The boy whimpered piteously, the tears almost evident in his high voice.
"I don't know; just go piss someone else off, will you?"
Tobi ignored this and pressed his face closer to Pein's, returning to the former conversation. "But Pein-chan, were you trying to kiss Tobi?"
"No!" The man roared in frustration, flinging his hands up agitatedly.
The mask radiated some form of dismay, before the owner suddenly flung himself over the desktop and latched onto the leader. "Hug Tobi then!" He cried in a loud whine.
Pein felt his own eyebrow quirk in deep annoyance. "Tobi. What the hell is with you today?" He didn't even bother to complain when his hand was taken by the childish one and rubbed against the mask.
"Tobi craves physical attention." He explained happily, the unseen smile almost infectious. The other man groaned, pleading for an explanation of how this could possibly be his superior, schizophrenic or not. It simply didn't calculate.
In a wild attempt, he shouted out, "Konan! C'mere right now!"
In a flurry of paper, his teammate appeared, her painted lids half closed in boredom.
"Go get Hidan. Tell him it's urgent."
The blue-haired girl rolled her eyes to the angry shout of "I saw that!" and disappeared. In her absence, Pein returned his gaze to the current problem, which was still happily nuzzling his hand against his face. Suddenly, a low rumbling noise filled the air, and Pein's gray eyes widened in surprise. "What the hell—Tobi, oh Kami, you're not…" His frown grew when it was confirmed by the vibrations in his captive hand, that indeed, Tobi was purring.
"Stop that!" He snarled, wrenching his appendage back. "Konan!" He screamed louder, his patience well tried. The woman reappeared in another gust of paper. Pein took one glance at her flushed face, and suddenly decided that he'd be leaving Hidan alone.
"How about Deidara?" He asked, throat dry. His Angel shook her head in the same manner. "Just leave then, you useless bag of paper!" he growled in fury at his teammate. She shot him a dirty look before dissipating again, leaving him with a pounding headache and sore arm. From which Tobi was now tugging roughly.
"Pein-chan, Pein-chan, Pein-chan," he cooed, looking straight into Pein's orbs. To the ginger-haired man's horror, he made the lethal mistake of staring back into the slightly taller man's eyes. He froze in shock, trapped in the crimson irises.
'Stop looking! You idiot, you have the Rin'negan! You could fuck him over any day!'
"Pein-chan?" He asked again. The sound startled the man, who blinked. He hadn't passed out. So that meant that both he and Tobi were alive, then. He clenched his teeth, extremely frustrated with himself for falling so carelessly into the Uchiha's eyes.
"Goddammit, you flying piece of orange shit!" He cried, slapping Tobi across the face in blind anger.
A loud whimper could be heard through the suddenly silent chamber. "Pein-chan," the boy cried, sobs wracking his voice. "Pein-chan hates Tobi!" Despite these bawls, the orange-masked oddity threw himself into the guilty ginger-haired man's arms. "Pein-chan, Pein-chan, oh Pein-chan!"
The Akatsuki suppressed a groan, no longer regretting slapping Tobi. However, he lifted his arms and wearily draped them around the hysterical boy. "You… ugh, you…! Why do I put up with this?"
He rolled his eyes at the abruptly calm response, full of sugary innocence. "Because Pein-chan loves Tobi!"
"Right. Yeah. Believe what you will, Tobi."
"…So did Pein-chan want to kiss Tobi?"