A/N: So, since this is the very last Crack Wed (Thurs, whatever), we wanted to end it fantastically, in the crackiest crack of all! Get ready to snort this yaoi mother- a threesome including our favourite pedophile!! ^^ Enjoy, loves!
Title: Dating Service
Rating: M for mature topics.
Summary: Kakuzu had thought that online dating was overrated, and he was right, for the most part. Until it caused possibly the best mix-up he could've been searching for when his mind, body and heart needed it.
Credits: Nonononono. :D :D :D
Crack Wednesdays 12
Kakuzu looked at the paper in his hand in disinterest. He hated online dating services, but Hidan had insisted on his attending. It was one thing for the albino to feel bad for breaking up with him, but way too much for him to be trying to get his ex a new boyfriend.
The tall, tanned man was now, after four weeks of online dating, going to finally meet this Maito Gai. His only hope was that the man had posted up a fake photo to ward off shallow men, because the bowl haircut and disturbing jumpsuits were putting Kakuzu into a mild state of trauma.
He was currently at the building, on the sixth floor and looking for apartment 66. Gai's message had said to look for a bright green balloon, and in plain view, there was a lime green, helium-pumped sphere in front of apartment 67. Nothing the wrong number, Kakuzu shrugged. It was probably just one of that idiot man's other mistakes. Nervously reassembling the foolish tie throttling his neck, (Hidan had, once again insisted,) he knocked on the door. After a few seconds, there was no answer. Sighing, he knocked again. Once more, no reply.
"Hello? Are you at home?"
Greeted by silence, the dark haired man rolled his eyes, then twisted the door knob open, letting himself in. It was an average apartment, much to his surprise. Gai had been bragging about his teacup collection which he liked to mount on the wall. What Kakuzu saw though, was a relatively plain green wall, with classic paintings on it. The strangest thing in the living room was a tank.
After closing the door behind him, he walked toward it, and leaned forward, until he saw a black snake, its beady white eyes rolling up at him. The normally composed man sneered in dislike at the reptile. Then there came a hiss from behind him.
"Ahh… you must be Kakuzu."
Said Kakuzu turned around to greet someone who definitely did not look like Maito Gai. "Yes, I am. And… well, you look a lot sexier than you did online," he admitted. And that was no frivolous flattery. The 'Gai' before him was tall with skin as pale as Hidan's, but with long, sweeping hair, dark as the scales of the snake in the tank. Golden, smouldering eyes peered almost seductively at Kakuzu, narrowed handsomely.
To his surprise though, his supposed date disclaimed, "Oh, I'm not Maito Gai." Slinking forward, the pale man curled an arm up Kakuzu's broad chest, resting around his shoulders. "That idiot is my neighbor. He's told me so much about you, and so I couldn't resist stealing you for myself. I moved the balloon so you would come to me. By the way, my name's Orochimaru…"
On some degree, the taller male was immensely relieved. He hummed in understanding, "I see, then. And I think I'm okay with my new date, but…" a chocolate hued hand snatched the other man's, and disentangled it from around him. "If you're going to steal me, fine. But I'm still going to be the one in control, understand?" To prove his point, the taller wrapped his own arm around Orochimaru's, and held the snake-like man possessively.
"Ooh, just my style," the paler one purred, grinning up at his guest as he licked his lips with an impressively sized tongue.
"Then you won't mind if I do this…" With the precision and force of an unstoppable bullet train, Kakuzu pinned his new date to his plain green wall, and trapped him in a painful kiss. Between the hurried exchanges of saliva and tongues, he realized that he'd missed the passionate violence of intimacy, and this man proved the perfect release for him. Maito Gai wouldn't have been quite so willing, he felt, and thus was very pleased with the switch-up.
After wrestling Orochimaru's damned meter-long tongue into obedience, he realized that his partner had stopped all movement. Reluctantly pulling away from that wonderful lip-lock, he turned to follow the other man's gaze, and with a start, saw someone at the door, staring at them.
It was a blue-tinted man, who highly resembled a shark. He had the expression of utmost hatred, and was energetically directing it at Orochimaru. Kakuzu found himself wondering if the snake had had a boyfriend, and forgot about him. But glancing at the golden-eyed male's face, he knew that this wasn't the case, and going by the growing look of confusion, this shark was a total stranger.
Taking matters unto his own hands, Kakuzu barked at the intruder, "Hey, trying to get a punishment for voyeurism, there?"
The blue-haired newcomer redirected his angry stare to Kakuzu, and replied in disgust, "Do you realize who you're making out with?" Without waiting for a response, he bowled straight on. "Orochimaru's a rapist. He got my best friend, and a lot of other people. Did you know your boyfriend does that? Huh?"
Kakuzu looked at his 'boyfriend' for a confirmation, but simply received an innocent shrug. "Right… so what're you here for? Revenge?"
The blue male scoffed. "What else?" He pulled out a gun rather casually from his pocket then, and aimed it at Orochimaru. "You gave Itachi AIDS. You pay for his life with your own!"
With no signs of hesitation, Kakuzu stepped in front of the accused. "Now, now… This rapist here just made me feel the best I've ever felt in half a year since my boyfriend broke up with me, and he's also one hell of a kisser, so you'd be wise enough to not ruin what I finally have."
"He raped innocent people!" The shark bellowed, cocking the hand weapon.
"And you're committing a murder," the tanned man reminded drily.
"Have I ever told you—you have the most gorgeous, emerald eyes?" Orochimaru cooed in appreciation from behind him.
"Shut up, bitch," Kakuzu growled as he stared down the man's gun barrel.
"I'll have to kill both of you," the to-be murderer warned them, steadying his weapon. When no response came, he inhaled shakily, then gritted his teeth nervously. "Let this be the last thing you two ever hear, then! You may have gotten to Uchiha Itachi, but Hoshigaki Kisame is untouchable!" Following his words was a slender, fragile moment of bated silence, then to all three's surprise, Kakuzu collapsed onto the couch, trembling with half-mad laughter.
"Oh, Kami," he burst out, "I knew you wouldn't shoot, I knew it."
Offended, Kisame aimed his gun at his rude victim, shouting out in indignation, "How did you know? I mean—what makes you think that?"
Taking breaths in between bouts of cackling, the emotionally incapacitated male answered, "If you were serious about murder, you would've shot us after 'You raped my best friend'."
Bristled, the shark slowly lowered his gun. "Dammit, this isn't funny!"
"But you see, it is," Orochimaru interjected sweetly, reentering the conversation. He slyly padded across the room to close and lock his door, savoring Kisame's increasing look of wariness. To heighten the addictive sensation of fear, he crept closer and closer to his clueless prey, pushing him down onto the couch next to Kakuzu, and then straddled the panic-numbed shark.
"Oi, Snake-Face!" snapped the most dominant of the three, annoyed that his date was flirting overtly with another man. Seizing Orochimaru, he flipped the snake off of Kisame, placing them next to each other on the couch. Standing up, he crossed his arms and faced his two new bitches. "I've gone half a year with absolutely no romantic excitement, and from the looks of things, no one's leaving tonight without getting laid, willing or unwilling. So whatever happens, I stay in charge, or I promise you, I will bite off your dick. Understood?"
The controlling man glared at his audience, obviously requiring their answers. Orochimaru's was, of course, an eager nod of pure anticipation and delight, whereas Kisame paled to a pasty sky-blue shade, and licked his dried lips in horrified anxiety. Quelling any further questions from the shark, Kakuzu aimed a no-nonsense finger at the slightly smaller man. "You will be willing, Kisame. As I recall, attempted murder doesn't have to go on your record, but should rape appear on mine, attempted murder will turn up on both of ours. Though I may not have just attempted to kill…"
Subdued efficiently, the miserable man nodded in agreement, quickly scooting away from Orochimaru and his incredibly curious hand.
Good gods, Kakuzu couldn't wait to tell Hidan about the results of his dating service.
A/N: So guys… Since I fuzzed up again and published a day late, (HAPPY CRACK THURSDAYS LAWLZ) I figured I may as well bang off the New Year with a hell of a rant. :D I have the feeling that this year's gonna kick ass, guys. Last year was the worse piece of shit ever- so many thoughts of suicide and cutting and other such fun stuff!! Anyhoo, I started off that year with the fam, all around the TV, watching the frigging ball drop. Guess how I pushed off this one? :D Racing with the effing ball to get this story up (I lost, of course) and arguing the fuck out of my dad and brother. I basically drove myself nearly to tears, and then realized that this could be a sign. Ooh, my daddy just yelled at me. 3 This year's going to FUCK, man!! And yes, I mean in the way implied in this story. :D So enough about me!
This is the year of the minority. In twenty days, America gets a fresh start, and so do the gays, lesbians, transvestites, everyone. So I know that we saw no same-sex kissing when the fucker of a ball dropped (I'm a sore loser. D:) but let's hope that in a few years—the less the better—this changes, and we see gays and lesbians kissing right alongside the straight people. But this is the year to come out! And I don't mean telling people who you are- not everyone's ready for that. I mean coming out to yourself, telling yourself- we can do this. I already trust all of you with my life even though I don't know you- old news. So I hope you can trust me. I'll help you in any way possible, because I believe that we can restart and make ourselves matter. We can do this, and I will stand with you all the way. Ending this sappy-ass A/N…
To the New Year, and to the people!
Viva la lemon!!