Thank you for the reviews! And special thanks to rain1657, who seems to have grasped the exact meaning of this story on the last review.
And, as always, to Carol, because I don't have to understand everything you do, because you let me in enough to make it easy to understand your reasons behind it. =)
You love me. More than that, you are in love with me. And I love you, and you know that. How can things be even worse now than they were before? Why did you tell me that, and then started to pull away? Why are you still with him, even though you know you are not in love with him anymore? You didn't even have to tell me that your feelings towards him had changed, it was not hard to see it, even for me, who was not a part of your life for so long. But still, I see you with him now, and he does not have a clue. I see that you are smiling, but I know it is the kind of smile that does not reach your heart, that you do not mean it. I see that you are trying so hard to repair something which can not be fixed anymore. And I wonder why.
Is it so scary, the thought of being with me? I know, I know you say you are afraid of losing me, and do not think that it doesn't terrify me, too. But what terrifies me the most, and the one, most important thing here, that you have not seem to have grasped yet, is that it has already started. Whatever mess we were afraid of making, it has already been made, and now we are in the middle of it. And it seems I am the only one who is trying to find some way to fix it, when you were the one who promised we would find a way. It is the worst thing, feeling like I am fighting alone, for the both of us. But I will keep doing this, if I have to. If you are not strong enough to fight for us right now, I will keep going, until you are. Knowing you feel the same changes everything. And it definitely changes my resolution to let you go once and for all.
You do not see it, do you? That it is not about choosing between love and friendship. Because it is all in your hands now, and if you choose not to be with me, as much as it hurts me, I can not promise you that we will keep being friends like we used to be. Even now, it is already different, we are already keeping things from each other, there is a line now that we can not cross when it comes to telling things. There were never lines, or limits before. You know it as much as I do. But you are trying to believe that by not letting anything happen between us, you are saving our friendship, when it is probably the exact opposite. You might be destroying it. If that is what you want, I will try, I swear to you I will try to be the same old P. Sawyer to you, but I can not promise it is going to be the same. It is going to hurt like hell, as much as I tell myself I am ready for anything you decide, I know I can never be ready for that. I wish you knew, too.
And you know what is probably the most frustrating thing? It is that I can see it, so clearly, that you are just scared. Scared to let go of him, of the safety he represents, and to jump into the unknown with me. It is going to be difficult, I never said it was not. But I also think it is going to be worth it. Maybe not perfect, because, let's face it, we are both kind of messed up when it comes to relationships. But you know me better than anyone in the world, you understand me like no one else can. And I like to think that I get your pretty little head better than most people. I think that is going to make a difference. It is going to make all the difference.
I used to think that, if I ever heard you saying you loved me back, it was going to be the happiest moment of my life. And it was, at the moment. I don't think you can imagine what it felt like for me, at that moment. Now I am afraid that the dream is turning into a nightmare, because not only I may never get to be with you, I may also lose the person I love the most in the process. Do you know what it was like, when with a single word from you, I could suddenly see all my biggest dreams coming true, for a fraction of a second? Can you imagine, Brooke? To have the things you want the most so close to your reach, so close that you can almost touch it, and then have them slip away from your grasp?
Sometimes it seems even worse than never knowing. Sometimes I get angry at you for ever telling me. Because it seems to me that if you have no idea what to do, if you don't even know for sure what you want, you had no right to give me that kind of hope. It is bad to want something you are pretty much sure you will never have. But then the thought that it could happen, that it is so close… Having that much hope and then having it taken away from you again, there are no words to describe that feeling. No words.
I don't think I ever fought for you this hard, Brooke. Ever. And I have fought for you in the past, but I never felt so strong, and I never felt this determined before. So if you think I am going to make it easy on you to give up on us, think again. I am sorry, I know it is hard on you, too, and if I thought, for one second, that you wanted me to give up, I would. If I thought it was going to be better for you, I promise you I would. But you are still giving me all the signs, and when we are at the same place, you can not hide it, Brooke, you change, just like me. I can not let you be stuck in a relationship that is not working anymore. You deserve better than that. Chase deserves better than that. And I am definitely past that whole self hatred phase, because I know that I, too, deserve better. I deserve your whole heart, and I am not about to settle for only half of it.
So get ready, Brooke Davis. I may not always understand the things you do, but I usually understand why you do them. That is why you have me. And I am not going anywhere.