(And... yeah, I don't own the Ranma series. I think you get the idea now. However, did you know that I also don't own the rights to the Inuyasha series? I bet you didn't! ... Incidentally, I can't remember whether or not Naraku can communicate telepathically with Kagura. I can't seem to remember that from the series, but I also wrote most of this a long time ago, so maybe... she can? I'm sorry if that's inaccurate. I blame the me of the past; the me of the present is innocent.)
(Also, for those who demand foreknowledge of the pairings involved, there will be a new one: Kodachi/Kagura. We can't get everybody else laid and simply leave the poor girl all on her lonesome, can we?)
Epilogue: Crossover Special!
The wind sighed through the trees, as wind is wont to do, and the sunlight scattered through the leaves, because the sunlight wonted to. Then a huge freaking supernatural saber-tooth cat romped past, carrying a Japanese girl in battle-gear with a freaking huge boomerang on her back.
"Kilala!" Sango the yokai-hunter yelled, her eyes squeezed shut, and tightly gripping her extra-large size cat by the hair. The wind, while still sighing through the trees, seemed to be blowing especially hard on Sango – who knows why? That whimsical wind –
"Kilala! Slow down!"
That was nasty, whatever Kagura attacked Kilala with. Kilala wasn't happy. Poor kitty. Sango would revenge herself on that sorcerous incarnation of Naraku as soon as she could – which wasn't now.
Sango opened her eyes. A clearing! A well!
"Kilala! Listen, you – AAAAAH!" They were falling down the well…!
Kagura calmly approached the well Sango and her pet dived into – there was strange energy here. "So they think they can escape me so easily?" Kagura growled. "They will not get away with this."
She touched the well's stone edge, gazing down into a dark and empty hole. Kagura could hear Naraku's voice: Careful, Kagura. That well leads to another time. My power only extends so far.
"You don't say?" Kagura said, carefully suppressing expression of any interest, knowing Naraku could probably sense it. This was the well Kagome came through. Naraku telepathed, If you go beyond my reach, Kagura, without a heart of your own you will surely perish.
Kagura grunted. "So are you saying I shouldn't follow the yokai-slayer and her pet?" She could feel Naraku's smile. Go ahead, if you dare. You won't get far.
Kagura growled. The further and freer she was from Naraku, the better. Kagura jumped down the well, hearing Naraku's low, sinister laugh echo behind her….
Kagura felt the sharp edge of the stone well, found her grip, and pulled herself up, into the darkness of a shed. Kagura straightened out her kimono, checking to make sure she hadn't soiled it in the fall and the climb. Satisfied, she blasted the door open and walked outside. The daylight revealed a wide courtyard with a tree and large, strange-looking house – Kagome's, of course. Unimpressed - with the setting as much as its description - Kagura decided to leave.
Kagura walked down the long stone stairway to the street. A car honked as it zipped past her. She scampered over to the walkway of hard, white rock-tiles (that is, the sidewalk) that lay on the other side of the street. Kagura thought, What was that?
Then Kagura felt the power that connected her to Naraku fade almost completely, and the emptiness where her heart should have been began to ache as though it were about to implode. She felt lightheaded; her limbs, weakening, began to shake. What can I do? she thought. How can I... I must go back. I need my heart.
Kagura collapsed, the sidewalk hitting her like a slap from Naraku's tentacles. "Must… get…" heart…. And then light vanished and sound deafened.
Dr. Fujisawa looked over the record. Unidentified woman, D.O.A., cardiac arrest. Nothing much interesting there. He turned to the woman lying next to him on the slab. Dark hair, stern but somewhat cute face. Dead. Now to do some autopsying. Yay!
He looked over the initial X-rays. "What's this?"
Fujisawa's long-haired assistant, Kisho, lifted his head from his desk, bleary-eyed. "Whut?"
The doctor walked over to the assistant and showed him the report. "She has no heart!"
Kisho looked at it, blinked, and replied, "Dude, that would kill her. I think I can write up the final report on this one, doc."
Fujisawa smacked his assistant over the head with the folder. "Get on over to the table." The doctor went over to the woman.
Kisho got up, and picked up his empty cup. "May I have more coffee?"
Fujisawa pulled the pall from off the woman's chest. "Later."
"Dude, why? She's obviously -"
"Because it's your job to look at this woman and tell me how she doesn't have a heart."
"I bet I can guess why," Kisho said. "She must've been a bitch."
Fujisawa growled. "Very funny. Now come here."
The assistant hobbled over to the table. He looked at the woman. No incisions, no appearance of a breach to the chest cavity. Kisho lifted her up to see her back. Nothing. He let the body fall back on the table, and shrugged. "I dunno, but she's got a great chest. Too bad she's dead –"
"Get serious, man!" Fujisawa said. "We're opening her up. Granted, the X-ray is probably just a mechanical error, or we're getting pranked again by the idiots in -"
The woman's eyes opened and her hand snapped onto the doctor's neck. She growled, "Heart! Must… have… heart!"
The doctor blinked and, not knowing what else to do under the circumstances, croaked, "I... know…."
Then the woman's eyes closed and her hand dropped. An uneasy silence drifted into the operating room as they realized they had just seen a woman who ought to be dead sit up and order them to give her a heart. Her face twitched; they both jumped.
"You didn't just see that, did you?" Kisho asked.
"Get a pacemaker in her, stat!"
"'Stat'? What? How do I explain –"
"Don't explain. Get Yukiko from cardiology – she's superstitious enough she'll help us do it ourselves. Now go!"
The assistant ran to the door. He stopped to ask, "Do you think it's really gonna help?"
Dr. Fujisawa shook his head, as he stroked his neck and glanced warily at the body. "She's not human…."
Kagura walked out of the hospital, into the night air. She remembered a mechanical clattering in her chest before she had woken up. She didn't hear it now, but she could feel the device pumping like a living heart – she had been somewhere between death and un-death, but now… Kagura was alive and free. No need to find the yokai-slayer and her oversized cat, now; they were just an excuse for jumping down the well. Kagura was in a completely different time and place, away from everyone and everything she was familiar with – which was good, because Kagura hadn't liked anybody she'd known. Kagura plucked out a feather from her hair, mystically expanded it, and surfed into the sky to explore this strange new world.
Ukyo looked up from her sweeping and blinked at the mysterious woman in the kimono who stood in front of the door to her restaurant. "Me?"
"Yes," Kagura said. "I know you." Kagura unfolded her fan and held it up dramatically, just high enough to cover the front of her mouth, but low enough she could glare at Ukyo. "You look just like her."
"Like who?" Ukyo asked. "Have we met?"
"That voice," Kagura said, holding the fan outward as she assumed a battle-stance. "Now I'm certain – you're that demon-slayer, aren't you?"
"'Demon-slayer'?" Ukyo repeated. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"You can't fool me so easily. You've followed me here, haven't you?"
"I think you have me confused with somebody else," Ukyo said, spinning her broom and hefting it as she would a weapon. "Either that, or you're very paranoid."
"Where are your friends?" Kagura asked. "Or that two-tailed cat of yours?"
"'Two-tailed cat'? What have you been smoking?!" Ukyo took a step forward. "If you're here to start trouble, then I must warn you I'm highly skilled in the martial arts. Get away from my property immediately."
Kagura paused a moment to consider the situation. "You're not Sango, are you?"
"My name is Ukyo. Ukyo Kuonji."
Kagura folded up the fan, put it away, and nodded. "I see. I've met you before, in a previous life."
"Indeed. You were called Sango, then. But I have little interest in catching up on old times. If you would have nothing to do with me, then I would likewise prefer to return the favor."
"Go right ahead."
Kagura jumped onto her giant feather and flew away.
"Holy Buddha!" Ukyo exclaimed as she saw this display of magical prowess.
Ukyo walked back inside, the broom resting on her shoulder. Shampoo smiled, then saw the look on Ukyo's face, and asked, "Something wrong?"
Ukyo said, "I don't know… But I think I just met the most powerful druggie in the universe."
Kagura was running along the rooftops, jumping from building to building just like any other ordinary martial artist does, and minding her own business, mind you, when all of a sudden she bumped into another martial artist along the way – some teenage girl dressed in a tight black outfit, carrying a bouquet. Kagura paid no mind, until the girl started yelling and throwing roses at her. Kagura turned to face the annoyance, and tossed a burst of wind at her to knock her off the roof.
The girl tripped, but held on to the roof, and apparently wasn't going to be ridden of with such a simple maneuver. She stood as Kagura ended her attack.
Kagura wanted this encounter over as quickly as possible. "What do you want?"
The girl posed, one hand on her hip and the other holding her signature flower aloft. "I am Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose of the St. Bacchus School for Girls!"
"I see," Kagura said. "So?"
"You bumped into me as I was running to meet my love, Ranma Saotome, who is as we speak being married off to a most horrible, ugly woman."
"Your interference with my love deserves vengeance. I challenge you to a duel."
"You demand satisfaction from me, little maiden?"
"Oh-hohoho! Do you think your archaic language frightens me, the Black Rose?" Kodachi retorted.
Kagura smirked. "Not my language but my power."
"Then show me your power."
Kagura nodded and said, "Very well… you asked for it!" Then she unleashed the Dance of Blades on the young gymnast, who dodged with a somersaulting jump. Time slowed so that Kagura could look on with amazement. What is this? Kagura thought. Where did she learn such grace and muscular control? What is she doing? Is she some sort of ninja? Then Kodachi landed on her feet on the very tip of the sloping roof, her arms outstretched, twirling ribbons in a Rythmic Gymnastics battle stance.
"Very pretty maneuvering, girl," Kagura said. Was all that spinning necessary? "Are you fighting me seriously?"
"O-hohohohohohohohohoho! I, Kodachi the Black Rose, am always serious."
"Then why are you laughing all the time?"
"I'm serious about fighting," Kodachi said, putting on a sober face. "But one must always put up a strong front to one's foes, don't you agree? In combat, what is more important than mastering the moves themselves? The show you give! An enemy without morale is a weakened enemy, indeed."
"How eloquent, Sun Tzu," Kagura retorted. "Not that I needed the advice, but are you really certain you want to instruct your opponents on your theories of martial arts?"
"Point taken. No reason to –" Kagura slashed at the Black Rose while she was still speaking. Kodachi leaped away, and kept leaping as Kagura sent more wind-attacks in her direction.
A day or two ago, Akane rummaged through her room and discovered she still had that old Fishing Rod of Lurve. "Hm. Guess I'd better get rid of this." And so Akane threw it out the window directly into the dumpster in the alley behind her house.
She raised her arms in victory. "Yes!" she cried. "Score!"
Kodachi and Kagura moved their battle into an alleyway. Empty-handed, Kodachi looked this way and that, saying aloud, "A weapon! I need a weapon!"
"You must learn to master the art of internal dialogue, little girl," Kagura said. "Ha! I have her just where I want her. Dance of Blades!" She wasn't interested in showing off her full power to this pathetic girl; Kagura was merely amusing herself. This one wasn't worth the effort to impress. Kodachi already seemed overwhelmed by Kagura's ability to execute so many chi attacks without tiring.
Kodachi was thrown into a green, rusting dumpster. Kodachi was stunned for only a few seconds, and as soon as she was up she rummaged through the trash. She found a weapon – a pole with a cord and a mini-plunger-thingy attached. Kodachi said, "A true martial artist can make a weapon out of anything." And indeed, that was a specialty of her own chosen art – Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics!
But indeed, this was no ordinary fishing rod with a small plunger-thingie attached instead of a hook; it was in truth the legendary Fishing Rod of Love. But Kodachi did not realize this as she swung the rod and hit Kagura in the chest with the mini-plunger.
Kagura looked down in surprise. "What the -?"
Kodachi bellowed, "Get over here!" And pulled Kagura toward her.
A girl with long dark hair in an old-fashioned battle outfit walked into Ucchan's. The owner-operator was at the grill, as always. Shampoo and Nabiki were sitting at a table together, and immediately shifted their attention to this unusual customer. Ukyo said, "Hello. What can I do for you?"
Sango said, "Hello, I was wondering… I don't know my way around town. I don't even know the address of the place I'm trying to get to."
Nabiki whispered to Shampoo, "They have the same voice!"
Ukyo somehow managed to give Sango directions, despite the fact Sango had difficulty indicating where exactly she wanted to go. Sango knew she wanted to get to her friend Kagome's home, but Sango couldn't even say for certain what prefecture Kagome lived in. Nothing more of interest happened, except they got to pet Sango's cute little two-tailed kitty.
Kagura had the fishing rod, now. "I can't believe you would attack me with something so – so strange and… insulting! It looks ridiculous!"
"Ha! Even a child's toy can –"
"A child's toy?" Kagura whipped the cord at Kodachi, catching her in the chest while off-guard. Kagura pulled Kodachi through the air towards her. Kagura unfurled her fan and was about to slit Kodachi's throat with it – but her hand slipped and dropped the fan. Kodachi looked so powerless and fragile as she was pulled through the air, her eyes so wide with fear and… innocence. Kagura pulled Kodachi up to an inch away from her face, and suddenly hadn't any idea what to do.
Kodachi did. She punched Kagura in the gut, then back-flipped away from her opponent, resuming battle-stance. Kagura glared as she picked up her fan, then straightened back up into battle-stance, but she made no further move. Kodachi paused a second, uncertain of what was holding her opponent back. She turned left, right, up, down, behind her, then turned back to Kagura. "Okay, what's the deal?"
"Um… Nothing! You shall die." Kagura wondered why her voice didn't seem to carry much conviction.
Kodachi tossed a grenade. "Take that!"
The paralysis powder engulfed Kagura. What's this? Poison? Ha! Kagura had more than a few immunities. She coughed. Even so, this powder was strange to her, and potent. Kagura felt numb all throughout her body, her vision tumbled, her limbs shook, and her co-ordination was shot to hell.
Like the voice of a ghost, Kodachi's cackle echoed in her ears: "O-hohohohohohohoho!"
"I'll get youuu… b-bi-itsschhh…." And Kagura collapsed.
Many centuries ago, Sango, Kilala, and Kagome (the schoolgirl from the future) walked across the field to their adventuring party: Inuyasha the temperamental half-yokai, Shippo the young kitsune, and Miroku that good-looking, mischievous monk.
"Sango!" Miroku called, waving. "You're back!"
"Where were you?" Inuyasha demanded. "And why were you gone?"
"I was in Kagome's time," Sango said. "Apparently Kilala has the power to use the well. She is a two-tailed yokai, after all." Kilala gave a short, proud yowl.
"And Sango," Miroku said, pointing to the bag in her hands as he sidled up beside her, "What would this b-"
"Hands off, monk."
Miroku removed his hand from Sango's backside. "Yes, ma'am."
"I've brought some things I found while in Kagome's time," she opened the bag and started showing off trinkets.
Shippo took one of the objects. "What's this?" he asked.
"I'm only interested if you've got any food there," Inuyasha said.
"You mean you don't want this doggie-bone?" Sango teased.
Inuyasha growled at her and turned away.
Miroku picked up a bottle. "And what's this?"
"Er…" Sango turned red. "Pills that can keep a woman from conceiving a child."
"I had a premonition you'd have thought so…."
"Really? Why?" Miroku cocked his head to the side. "If I in any way deviate from the celibacy typical of monkhood, it is only out of duty to carry on my family line. What would be the point in preventing conception when that is indeed my very goal when… I encounter women I believe worthy of helping me attain… it." Obviously, he was choosing his words carefully.
Sango gave him a dirty look. "That, and you'd lose your only pick-up line."
"There's that, too."
Kagura woke up naked in a strange bed. This had never happened to her before, but she was certain that this could only mean something interesting was going on. The room was decorated in black roses and sticky spots where posters used to be – though Kagura wasn't able to recognize them as such. There was a window, the dark curtains drawn shut, and on the other side of the room, the door was open….
"This little maiden demands satisfaction from you," Kodachi said, leaning against the frame of the door in a black bathrobe, a hand at the back of her head. She put the stem of a black rose in her mouth and approached the bed.
Kagura stood up, holding the blankets against her body (protecting her naughty parts). "Hold on! Where am I? What's going on here?"
Kodachi fell to her knees, hands clasped.
Kagura lifted an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"
Kodachi removed the rose from her mouth and lifted it to Kagura. "The thorns have been removed."
Kagura sat down on the bed, but did not reach for the rose. Kodachi set the rose on the bed and sighed. Kagura thought a moment, and then decided that her opponent hadn't much point in placing her in this room asleep and defenseless only to kill her with a poisoning tactic as obvious as this. After all, she had put the rose in her own mouth – unless it was her mouth that was poisoned! Kagura picked up the rose, brushing fingers with Kodachi in a most clichéd and romantic way – hearts fluttering briefly – and Kagura brought the flower – which indeed had no thorns – to her nose and sniffed it. "Lovely," she said.
"You mean the flower?"
Kagura smiled. "The flower, too." Kodachi blushed. What am I thinking? What is she thinking? What was I thinking? Why… later. Kagura cleared her throat and said, "You don't appear interested in fighting me anymore. I appreciate that. Perhaps you will answer a few questions, then. Why did you bring me here? Where am I, and where are my clothes?"
"I… I didn't know what to do after I'd knocked you out with the paralysis powder," Kodachi replied. "I was going to meet my former lover, but… he's lost my interest. He had faked his death without telling anyone, including me – and such a liar simply isn't worthy of me. I couldn't stop thinking of you, after our battle. You were simply so powerful, so graceful, so skilled – and the gas lasted for several hours, so I only had to pick you up and carry you home. I thought to wash your clothes, since they had become sweaty; you had been lying in the dirt for a while, you know. And I gave you a bath, then let you lie, here, and waited for you to wake up. Also, dinner is cooking, if it would please you to stay."
Though Kagura's better judgment advised her otherwise, she nodded and replied, "I was brought here without my permission, but so long as you behave more respectably towards me, I may forgive our initial meeting and accept your hospitality." Should I eat her dinner? If I do, I might never be able to leave…. Kagura had no idea.
"Oh, thank you!" Kodachi breathed. "You won't regret this! I was rude and over-zealous; I would feel shattered if you resented me for it now."
"I have no need to make enemies." Kagura said. "I should hope that we could be friends… very good friends. We could do things together you've never even imagined -"
"Oh-hohohohohoho! Don't be silly," Kodachi said, "I go to an all-girls school. I know all about that sort of thing."
"Oh," Kagura said. "I see." Kagura had no experience at all, since her entire existence had been spent as the minion of a terrible demon overlord. She had never had the opportunity or desire to have a romantic relationship; her main interests had revolved around achieving personal freedom. Now that she had it, she hadn't been entirely certain what to do with herself - until now.
"My love," Kagura said, "Let's conquer the world together!"
"Yes!" Kodachi cried. "All shall tremble before our might!"
"Governments will topple!"
"Nations shall bow before us!"
And then Kagura said, "But let's have hot 'n steamy lesbian sex first."