Hi everyone! I've always wanted to do a humorous fanfic like this. It's actually pretty silly in this chapter, OK really silly, but it get WAY less ridiculous in the next chapter and so on. I hope you enjoy it! I think it's pretty funny if I say so myself. :)

Seriously give it a chance! Read the second chapter! Its MUCH more realistic. but funny too :)

I do not own Twilight in any way shape or form. It's ALL the work of the lovely Stephenie Meyer. duh


"Edward, this so wonderful, that you found a good book store! I love books!" The excited Bella said while clutching a Jane Austen book.

Edward's ridiculously beautiful face turned into a ridiculously beautiful face full of sadness.

"I thought you loved me Bella?! I'll understand if you don't. I encourage it. I'll leave right now if you want; you can have my hot ass Volvo so you can drive home." He sobbed beautiful sobs.

"I do love you Edward. Please don't leave me! I'm nothing without your gorgeous ass! Nothing!" Bella begged on the verge of tears. Sad tears.

"This is wrong Bella. What don't you understand?! We don't belong together. You should go out with that Mike Newton fellow. He wouldn't try to drink your… delicious…warm…heavenly…blood." Edward drawled, leaning in closer to the mousy Bella.

SLAP!! I guess she's not that mousy.

"Dammit Edward! Snap out of it." Bella said rubbing her stinging hand but still trying to be tough. "I'd rather die than go out with Mike Newton. Anyway didn't you say he stares at you in the showers at school?" Edward ignored that last bit. He wasn't going to be put off topic by this girl. This girl he loved so much it was retarded.

"We're both going to hell!" He cried.

Bella would have thought about this like a normal person, but she has no instinct of self preservation, of course.

"As long as I'm with you Eddipuss, I don't care." Bella whispered smiling. Bella reached out to hold his ice cold, manicured hand.

"No touching!"

"No touching." Bella repeated sadly.

"I'm sorry Bella my love. Please forgive me." Edward said looking at the girl with strong emotion. Bella turned to look at him.

"I forrgggiiii… uhhhh…." Instantly dazzled, Bella stared at Edward and started to drool. Edward was fascinated by this human liquid. He caught some on his finger. Smelled it then tasted it. Strawberries, Edward thought.

Bella seemed to be barely breathing. She needed to snap out of this trance thing. Edward thought of what to do. What should I do? Edward thought.

He couldn't slap her like she did him. That would shatter her skull. Edward liked her skull. Bella thought Edward's voice was musical and hypnotic so calling to her wouldn't work. A ha! Edward thought. He began to reach into the back of the car.

SPRITZ! SPRITZ! SPRITZ! Three squirts should be enough. Edward thought putting his handy dandy water bottle back.

Bella sputtered back into a healthy conscience.

"Did you say something Edward, the vampire I love? Why is my face wet?" Bella asked deeply confused, biting her lip and furrowing her eyebrows.

"Everything is fine love." Edwards said putting the easily influenced Bella at ease.

One minute later Edward's hot ass Volvo pulled into a very packed parking lot. Edward likes to drive fast not caring about his true love's screams of terror on his, what she calls, "rides of death".

Edward unbuckled his seat belt and let down the protective armor on the car with the push of a button. Like the bumper sticker says "Precious cargo onboard." Poor Bella struggled with her seat belt though. Her human fingers were just too weak.

"Silly human" Edward chuckled. His manicured hands freed his human soul mate from the wretched seat belt with such grace that the Hallelujah chorus began to play. Edward gracefully got out of the car pushing his penny colored hair out of his golden colored eyes and smiled at the staring humans who passed by.

Bella still dazed by Edwards hands being in such a close proximity when he took off her seat belt, slowly opened her car door and saw something shiny on the ground. She stepped out of the car and tripped. While on the ground she picked up the penny she saw.

Edward was instantly cradling her.

"Oh no! Are you alright Bella!?" he asked.

"More than alright Edward. I found this penny!!" Bella exclaimed.

"Why should I care about that penny? Did it make you fall?! If it did so help me…"

"No Edward! Don't hurt Mr. Penny he's the same color as your hair." Bella said dreamily "I'll keep him forever!"

"Silly Bella" Edward sighed while putting her down carefully.

"Edward where is the book store?" Bella asked looking around nervously. "Why are there so many people? Is that a Macy's?!"She asked extremely panicked.

Bella clutched her Jane Austen book and Mr. Penny getting ready to make a run for it. Edward has taken me to a mall. I know what you do at malls. You buy things. Bella thought, a shiver running down her spine.


Write a review and tell me what you think, please! I'll update soon. It was really fun to write. REVIEW!!