Go-Go Bijuu Rangers!!
You Mighty Morphin' Bijuu Rangers!
(lamest shit ever!!)
RoK: And yet, it inspired this fic….
From the twisted mind of: DarkFayt
Written by: Rageofkyubii (He didn't write shit!)
RoK: BullCRAP, I didn't!
Co-Authored by: DarkFayt
(REALLY been writing this shit for almost a year…sad, so very sad…)
THIS WILL BE THE ONLY DISCLAIMER FOR THIS FIC AND SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD TO APPLY TO ALL FUTURE CHAPTERS!!
DarkFayt: We do not own anything related to the Power Rangers franchise or the Naruto empire. Also we are very poor as it is…so not worth suing. (Maybe ROK…he has a car…)
RoK: Pfft, and DF has a book series coming out, so he'll have more cash than me. Sue him.
DarkFayt: Sue me and you sue my publishers legal department…sue ROK and you sue a redneck with a truck. Less money but a sure thing!
RoK: …how exactly am I a redneck?
Neither Rageofkyubii nor DarkFayt take any liability, joy, or profit from this venture. (maybe joy…) Only the relief that the plot bunnies will leave us alone…
Any and all complaints can be crammed up your ass because we don't care…at all.
All praise, gratitude, or joke ideas can be given to DarkFayt
If you didn't listen to the above warning all complaints, law suits, and or flames can be sent to rageofkyubii.
RoK: Oh, you can just go-
DF: Yeah, you know better then to finish that, bitch!!(I'm going to regret that later…)
RoK: Yes. Yes, you are.
"Tsunade-sama!" was the cry that could be heard throughout the small gambling town that sat on the boarder between Hi no Kunai and Kaze no Kunai.
"Oh, those two are at it again?! I didn't become a bartender to watch over a couple of drunk sluts all the time! Oomph…" were the last words from the bartender before a mug to the skull roughly put an end to his shift.
"Damn, old bastard…Shizune, keep it down…I have a terrible hangover…" was the muffled reply from the Slug Princess as she tenderly cradled her head in-between her arms.
"Not this time, Tsunade-sama!! Not only did you gamble away all our traveling money, AGAIN, but you even got so drunk that you sold Ton-Ton!! It took me almost four hours to find her! And look at her!" she exclaimed, holding up the pig towards Tsunade's face. The small animal had one of its ears pierced, and had somehow gained a tattoo beside her tail of a kunai pointing toward….well, let's leave it at that.
As Tsunade slowly raised her head, she couldn't help but let a bitter smile slip across her face…she always felt sorrow after one of her harder nights, and knew it would take days to clean up all the trouble she had no doubt caused but she knew that another was always to come. It always did these days, "Sorry, Shizune…"
If it wasn't for the loud talk of the bar many would have sworn a Fuuton jutsu had been cast with the deflation and sigh that had escaped Shizune.
"It's alright Tsunade-sama…let's just get back to the inn."
It didn't take them long to leave the loud and glowing aura of the red-light district of the small town. It was a quiet night, and even with Tsunade stumbling every few steps, it was still an enjoyable night for most without hangovers...
"Tsunade-sama…do you think we'll ever return to Konoha?" Shizune asked hesitantly.
Tsunade's face seemed to blank for a moment before she clutched her grandfather's necklace tightly. "Not if I have anything to say about it…it will take an act of Kami…"
In that instant, a bright flash of light exploded from the necklace with a booming voice following soon after.
"TSUNADE, I NEED YOU TO GATHER A TEAM OF PRE-TEEN JINCHUURIKI WITH ATTITUDE!!"
Elsewhere in the lands of the Elemental Countries, a great evil had begun to awaken…
Two shadowed figures stood around a dark pit that seemed to descend into the bowels of the earth. Large black crystals littered the dark cave, giving it an eerie purple glow.
It was slow, but a dark red light began to emit from the depths of the pit until the entire cave exploded with crimson light.
Each crystal began to react in turn as a different arcane symbol appeared in each and pulsed with power as if welcoming their long-lost master…
A dark, ominous laughter arose, seeming to come from the glow itself. "At last…after ten thousand years, I am free!! And now, it is time to conquer Kon-"
"Umm…actually Master, it's only been about five years since you went back to sleep…" one of the figures said, cutting off the ominous red glow's diabolical statement of malcontent.
"Remember? After the whole massacre thing? And you're barely over a hundred, why'd you say 'after ten-thousand years'?" asked the other, as a man with an orange swirl mask emerged from the light, flailing his arms wildly at the two.
"DAMN IT!! You fools ruined my dramatic entrance into the story!!" screamed the orange masked man.
"Ugh…whatever, I don't have time to kill you fools now. I think of a proper punishment later…"
Both servants let out a tight breath. Their master was known for some rather…twisted punishments.
"Now then…where are my legions of fangirls?" he asked, looking around. "Are they hiding to surprise me?" he asked in an excited voice, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
The two figures sweatdropped as their master looked behind multiple crystals and boulders, lifting a few up in the process.
"….you want to tell him or should I?"
Back on the outskirts of Fire Country, both females slowly blinked their eyes as the light faded, wondering just what the hell was going on…and that's when they saw it.
Surrounded by an aura of forest green chakra was the head of a man…a giant head of a man…a giant translucent head of a man…
A GIANT FLOATING SEE-THROUGH HEAD OF THE SHODAIME HOKAGE!!
"I AM THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD OF THE SHODAIME HOKAGE!!"
See, what I tell you?
As Tsunade slowly turned to look between the Giant Floating Head that claimed to be her grandfather, and the sake bottle in her hand a few time, a look of utter horror crossed her face…
"Shizune!" she exclaimed, turning and gripping the girl's shoulders as she looked her straight in the eye, "Do you see this too?" asked Tsunade with the utmost seriousness.
With a solid nod from her assistant, Tsunade let out a tight breath she had been holding, "Oh thank Kami…I thought I would have to give up drinking for a moment."
"Huh?" was all that Shizune could say as she watched her teacher take a rather large downer of the sake, "But, I thought you just said-"
"I said, FOR A SECOND there, I thought I was gonna have ta give up drinking." she said, throwing the empty bottle aside and pulling a full one out of who knows where. "But if that thing is really here, I need ta be a lot more wasted befur it starts talken again..."
(Several days later, among the dunes of Wind Country's vast desert)
"THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE BLONDE WOMAN DOES NOT JUST FLOAT TO SUNAGAKURE!?"
"For the hundredth time, you floating freak, WE DON'T FLOAT!!" screamed Shizune in rage and frustration. The sun was hot, sand was getting in every crevice she had, and now she finally understood why her master has never gone into Wind Country before…it was Hell. (the real reason being the bet she lost to the Daimyo of Wind Country several years ago…)
"The Giant Floating Head is not a freak! The Giant Floating Head is the Giant Floating Head!!"
Check that, this was worse than Hell.
"Oh for the love of Kami, shut the fuck up or I swear I'll use the Shizune-Crusher to beat you again!!"
"Well then, umm…Tsunade-sama, why are we heading to Suna again?" asked Shizune with trepidation.
"We're heading to Suna because my hallucination over there hasn't let me sleep for three days and won't stop yelling about Bijuu Rangers until I find them." said Tsunade as she leaped over another sand dune.
"THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD IS NOT A HALLUCINATION!! THE GIA-"
"SHUT UP!!" screamed both women in a scary unison.
A frightening glint suddenly entered Tsunade's eyes, "That's it! SIC HIM, TONTON!!"
"...ummm, Tsunade-sama, pigs don't-" Whatever Shizune was about to say was cut off as Tsunade grabbed TonTon by the vest and hurled her at the floating head at sonic speeds.
The Hokage Head widened his eyes in fright. "WAA!! NOOOOOOO!! Do not throw pink mammals at The Giant Floating Head! The Giant Floating Head is not a…"
"BWEEEEEEEEE!!" TonTon squealed in sheer fright as it connected with the Head...
And passed through it.
And kept going.
Tsunade blinked as TonTon disappeared into the horizon. "Fuck…now, back to what I was saying, to find the Bijuu means I need Jinchuuriki-"
"No, my TonTon!!" Shizune cried in dismay, twin trails of tears running down her face.
"-and I only know about three Jinchuuriki." the Sannin continued, ignoring her assistant's cries. "One in Suna, one in Kumo, and one in…well…we'll get to that one later."
A moment later, the Hidden Village of Sand came into view at long last.
"YES!! THIS PLEASES THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD GREATLY! ONWARD, MY SERVANTS! ONWARD TO COLLECT OUR FIRST RANGER!!"
"He did not just say that, did he?"
Meanwhile, in Konoha...
"Sasuke-kun! Please go out with me!" cried Sakura as she glomped Sasuke while waiting for Kakashi to arrive for their Genin Test.
"Damn that one-eyed bastard! Why did he have to leave me with the crazy pink bitch…makes me want to go missing nin…" thought Sasuke as he said, "Pfft, I'll do that when pigs fly."
"Was that…a flying pig?" asked Sakura as stars lit up in her eyes.
"…I swear, if Naruto was behind that…" muttered Sasuke staring up at the pig as it flew past. He glanced sideways at Sakura.
"...I'm still not dating you..."
(Back at the outskirts of Sunagakure…)
"Alright, one down and two to go!" yelled Tsunade, pumping a fist into the air as she walked triumphantly with her companions (and an extra-large bottle of sake) after a good night's sleep.
"Yes! The Giant Floating Head is pleased, First Servant! Now on to the next Ranger! …Third Servant, why is it taking you so long?!"
"Third Servant? Why the hell am I third? And why am I going with you in the first place again?" asked Gaara as he twirled a strange kunai with an orange jewel in it between his fingers and flipped through a manga with his other hand.
With a evil glint in her eye, Tsunade slowly turned towards Gaara while using her left arm to prop up her 'assets' "Oh? Have you forgotten already, my little Otaku? Now come along willingly…or else." she said in a fake-sweet voice.
With an audible gulp, Gaara merely nodded and returned to his manga, making Tsunade smirk happily as she walked in front of the group. "Now there are only two left! On to Kumo!!"
"But Tsunade-sama, Kumo is weeks away…why not go get the other one since its clos…"
"SILENCE!! THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD HAS THE ANSWER! IT IS THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD'S MOST INGENIOUS IDEA YET!!"
"Oh kami…not another one…" groaned Tsunade as she turned with slight fear in her eyes.
"BEHOLD!!" cried the head as its eyes began to glow an eerie white, "NOW! SUPER-ULTRA-FLOATING-HEAD-TELEPORT-POWERS GO!!"
"Tele-wha?" was the last thing any of the three would say before four streaks of light shot across the sky.
In a dark cave, a masked man stared intently into a pale crystal. As he gazed into it's depths, it was clear he was using it's powers to watch the group of four before they disappeared into streaks of light.
"So that damn head is on the move already…but he doesn't realize how far a-HEAD of him I am…"
"Oh kami...he's making puns again..." groaned one cloaked figure to the other, his face buried in his hands as their leader stood atop a large rock, laughing manically into the sky.
The other men nodded "Yeah, but he pays more an hour then we could make in any village…besides he has free booze…and it helps make the puns funnier…well, tolerable." he added, taking another long swig.
"Minions! Dispatch a monster to Konoha immediately! We must destroy the last known Jinchuuriki before they can reach it!! Do it for evil! Do it for darkness!!"
Both figures shared a glance before raising their bottles, "Do it for the booze!!" screamed both figures before disappearing in black smoke.
The masked man sweatdropped slightly. "Note to self: find new hiding place for the good stuff…minions keep drinking while on the clock…"
"…urgaaa…what happened?" was the first thought that traveled through Gaara's mind as he attempted to move, "And why am I all wet? Last thing I remember is walking in the desert with those two kunoichi and the head…and then-"
"No time to think now, cub…if you don't move soon, we'll both be dead!!"
"Wha-Shukaku? You can talk to me now?! NOOOOOO I'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!! Oh…wait…"
"That's right, you don't sleep anyway. But for now, get off your emo-otaku ass or we'll be skinned alive by kunoichi!!"
"Huh? No one has ever wounded me? And why would Kunoi-"
"One: you are all wet so my sand is useless! And two: that damn head dropped you into the FEMALE side of the Kumo ANBU's ONSEN!!"
Finally, as Gaara regained his senses, he felt the decent of the massive killing intent wash over him. With a shaky hand and an even shakier resolve, he turned his head to see a sight that would remain in his memory for ages once he looked back on it…but for now, all he could focus on was the many weapons the nude females bared…
A few minutes later, Yugito stood in front of the three of them, arms crossed and tapping one foot. "So….feel like explaining why you three magically appeared in my ba-STOP STARING AT MY CHEST, YOU PERVERT!!" she roared at Gaara, who jumped slightly, turning his eyes away from her and into his manga as fast as he was able.
Tsunade sighed as she rubbed her forehead, sensing a headache coming. "Alright…this is going to sound very odd, and you may not believe it at first, but we-"
"SILENCE!! The Giant Floating Head requests that you join the Bijuu Rangers, who will use their Bijuu powers to defeat a great evil and protect the people of the world!!" the floating apparition shouted as it suddenly appeared directly in front of the female Jinchuuriki, cutting off the Med-nin's explanation.
Yugito stared at the Head with a blank look on her face as Tsunade groaned and rolled her eyes. "Great, she probably thinks we're insa-"
"I accept!" Yugito exclaimed suddenly, causing the other three ninja to facevault to the ground.
"Are you serious?! You're going to join, just like that?" Shizune asked the kunoichi in shock.
Yugito gave a sharp nod, a serious gleam in her eye. "Of course! We Jinchuuriki must band together to face the great evil and protect this world, for we are the only ones with the power to do so!"
Tsunade cried silently into her hands. "I'm surrounded by crazy people…AGAIN!!" she mumbled as the Head let out a booming laugh.
"Excellent! The Giant Floating Head welcomes you to the Bijuu Rangers…as the Yellow Ranger!"
As Yugito stood at attention and saluted the Giant Floating Head, and Gaara turned a page in his manga laughing to himself, Shizune and Tsunade looked over at each other, the exact same thought passing through both their heads.
"What the hell have we gotten ourselves into?"
DF: I'm sure a lot of you are asking the same question, but hey, we did warn you this was a crack fic.
RoK: Hell, the title alone should have told you that.
DF: Anyway, the reasons behind Gaara's OOC-ness will be explained in the next chapter, along with a lot more questions I'm sure you have…
RoK: Like "What the hell were you two thinking?"
DF: Right. And just so you know, the Jinchuuriki in this fic won't be the same as cannon ones(excluding Naruto, Gaara and Yugito).
RoK: So see you next chapter, and remember: its only gonna get crazier from here..