title: ever after
pairing: ItaSakuSasuSakuIta—it's like a CIRCLE with no END. A CYCLE, if you will.
for: Diaph Annie and XXDragonheart6XX
prompted by: a conversation with Annie, as well as the word Sasucakes, and and and, mirror mirror on the wall
summary: CRACK. AU. SasuSakuIta. In which Sasuke makes a pretty princess, and Itachi peddles poisonous apples. Sakura hasn't quite made her entrance yet, and as for Shikamaru? He really doesn't want to be here.
warnings: It's a parody. Of fairy tales. And I'm not a very big fan of traditional gender roles. Do I need to say more?
Also, I'm aware that the age difference between Sasuke and Itachi is not nine years. I know.
notes: SEE IF YOU CAN PICK OUT ALL THE DISNEY REFERENCES!
It's like a game.
disclaimer: Not mine. :)
Once upon a time, in a Kingdom far far away, there lived a beautiful Princess—
Right, a Prince.
Though he'd been born in the midst of Summer's bloom, he was, peculiarly, the very personification of Winter. Lovelier than mere humble words could describe, he was a creature fair of face, with obsidian eyes, hair the color of midnight, and rose-red lips. His skin was the color of freshly-fallen snow, and his heart free from the desires that plagued those around him.
His was given the name Sasuke, but he was known by those who loved him, as Sasucakes.
Sasucakes was, in all respects, as happy a child as he could be, under the circumstances. Having grown up without a mother and father—killed in a tragic hunting accident only four years after Sasucakes himself was born—it would have been understandable that he grow up angry. However, he surpassed all expectation, taking his lot in life with a grace far past his years. He became a sunspot in the lives of the castle's inhabitants, and even, beyond.
From the time that he was a young child, all the small woodland animals that lived around the estate loved him, and they spent many a happy hour frolicking in the green meadows that surrounded the castle grounds. This was a fortunate arrangement for the young Princeling, since his beauty and gentle disposition—which should have, in all respects, endeared him to the hearts of all who knew him—served as nothing but causes for envy, and jealousy. The animals soon came to be his main source of companionship.
Chief among those who sought to do him harm, was a young man named Itachi, the next in the line of succession, and Sasucake's own brother. The reason for his antipathy was really, quite simple. Before his parents had died, they had seen the evil lurking within their oldest son and heir, and changed the Law, so Sasuke would be the direct successor to the throne. Itachi would rule as Prince Regent until his younger brother was of age, where upon he would allow Sasucakes to take his rightful place in the Circle of Life as Uchiha Fugaku's rightful heir, as the One True King of Pride Rock—
Er, as the King.
The proclamation, made when baby Sasucakes was but a wee three years old, made the twelve-year old Itachi seethe with rage. For a long time, he channeled this anger into completing his princely duties, excelling in both the classroom, and in the stateroom.
Then, he realized how much more fun he had simply spitting into baby Sasucakes's morning porridge, and decided that revenge would be better for his Immortal Soul.
Sasucakes knew none of this however—the first act Itachi passed upon his receiving the throne was to forbid anyone from telling the rightful heir that he was…er, the rightful heir. As such, the Princeling grew up ignorant of his destiny. He was stripped of his title, and forced to live in ignominy. Itachi handed him off to be raised by the kindly "servants" of the castle—or rather, those who'd upset the "King" during his reign, and were themselves forced into a life of servitude "as punishment for your continued existence."
All these continued, until one day…
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall! Who's the fairest—mirror? Mirror. Mirror, wake up."
A snort sounded from beyond the glass, and after a few moments, a translucent pineapple-shaped head shook itself from its stupor.
"God, what do you want? Every morning you ask me the same question, and—"
"Mirror, mirror," Itachi said loudly, drowning out the complaints with his own voice. His eyebrow twitched with irritation. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"
Itachi waited a few moments. When no answer seemed forthcoming, he lost his carefully applied apathetic disposition, and slammed one fist into the glass, not shattering it, but thoroughly rattling the being inside it.
"Mirror! I would have your answer!"
The figure raised his own eyebrow, clearly stifling a yawn, and stared evenly at the enraged Queen—er, King.
"Look, I don't even want to be here."
Itachi inhaled, and exhaled, remembering the breathing exercises that had been drilled into him as a boy of five. It wouldn't do to punch through the glass—scars were just so passé, he thought derisively, his mind drifting towards that thrice-damned Hyuuga who now worked in the stables.
Humph—that would teach the impertinent fool to have glossier hair.
"If you do not answer me in the thirty seconds after I finish speaking," Itachi began, almost conversationally, "I will move you to a room without windows and you will never see your beloved cumulous clouds ever again. In fact," he continued, almost inspired now, "I will move you into the servants' quarters—specifically into the room that those two catty little blondes share. You know—the ones who never stop arguing with each other."
For a moment, the translucent face looked almost alarmed. Then, it stopped, and smirked.
"Better than looking at your face for another day, Sir Second-Best."
Itachi, whose ears had filtered out everything except the word "best," preened for a few moments, before he realized what the mirror had said.
"What," he said, grinding the word out from between gritted teeth. He put on his most Menacing Face, and employed the slanted lines that rang parallel to his nose to their most Majestic. Still, the Mirror Man looked unimpressed.
"It's true. According to my statistical analysis—"
"Your what," Itachi said in disbelief, deciding to inject their conversation with a pinch of Logic. "But you're a mirror."
If the figure had a hand to do it with, Itachi was sure it would have waved it in dismissal.
"Technicalities. Polls indicate that your approval rating has dropped twenty-two points since last month, and your darling brother Sasucakes is fast picking up your slack. Here, see for yourself, if you don't believe me."
There was a sudden snap! and the face in the mirror was suddenly obscured by pie charts and bar graphs, as well as several interview transcripts conducted with everyone from the kitchen staff to the stable hands.
Itachi raised a brow.
"You're being oddly efficient this month," he remarked idly.
The figure snorted.
"Too many sunny days. What else was there to do? Anyway, as you can see," the voice continued, now slightly more disembodied, "your declining youth has been a factor in the recent slump."
"Yes, yes, of course, it all goes downhill after twenty, doesn't it," Itachi said listlessly, making a mental note to demote that loud doll-eyed thing in the Royal Guard to something appropriately demeaning. That green spandex was horribly tacky, after all—didn't do a thing for the upholstery in the watchtower.
Suddenly, he had a Thought.
"Second-best, you say? I'm second-best?"
"That's what they say, your highness," the voice drawled, sounding decidedly indifferent.
"Who was ranked first," Itachi asked, trembling with anger. "Who dares to usurp my throne? Answer me, my Loyal Subject!" Itachi chose to ignore the fact that the boy was being held in that mirror against his will. Anyway, it was the Nara's own fault—who'd given him the permission to be so intelligent, anyway?
The Mirror Man—dubbed Shikamaru at birth—tried very hard not to drown in the Sea of Irony.
"You're certainly one to talk about usurping thrones," he muttered, before continuing in a louder voice. "The current favorite is your own brother, Uchiha Sasuke, better known as—"
"Sasucakes! Oh, Sasucakes! Where are you, sugar plum?"
Where indeed, Sasucakes?
And oh, Shikamaru, how I love thee.
Shorter chapters. The next one is being written as we speak.
And I should warn you that this is ALL CRACK.
So, let me know how you all like it, yes?