Disclaimer – I don't own Redwall or that line from Weird Al. This is for all the people who have been or know of someone spammed by the anon. spammer(s). To the anon. spammers, your so alone in enjoying this and aren't making any freinds.

Blue Screen

Fanny was sitting at her computer. She loved playing on it and loved playing games. She loved to read too. She wondered why there was never a game for the Redwall series, as Harry Potter had tons of games for it, one for each book as the movies were released and even a Quiditch game. So, she went looking on the net to see if there was actually a game.

She was so excited, when, looking at E-bay, she found such a game. It was called 'The Attack of the Blue Hoard'. This game had to be based off the book, Lord Brocktree, she thought to herself. She happily looked at it and saw that there was a 'buy' now button and went to go click on it. It was a rather decent price and she couldn't figure out why no other fans were bidding on the game.

So Fanny then had purchased the game and had sent her payment in. Within a few days, the game arrived, causing her to squeal in delight. She quickly took a knife to the plastic tape and opened the cardboard shipping box with a pop and snap. She then shuffled through the peanuts, eating some, as shipping peanuts actually are edible, as they were made of corn syrup… that was why they were bio-degradable. They really are edible!

She then pulled out a boxed game and ripped of the top and pulled out the game. She hurried to the computer and booted up, thinking suddenly she should have booted it up while she was opening her package, but she just shrugged her shoulders. She popped in the CD and began to download the game. As she was down loading it, a message popped up, asking her if she wanted to continue. A voice was also heard.

"Virus alert. Delete immediately before someone gets hurt," said the computer. The girl recognized it as a line from a Weird Al song, but pushed the button anyways. Suddenly, her screen turned a light blue and blue rat walked onto the screen.

"Cool game!" she thought, hoping that she would get to play soon. Suddenly, the rat began to march and another rat appeared then two more, then four more, then eight and so on. "What's going on?"

The rats then began to chant the war cry that they had in the Lord Brocktree book. The girl's eyes went wide when the ground actually shook. She backed away from the computer in time to see the blue rats piling out of the scene and onto the floor; they began to scurry in every direction possible.

"Help! Help! Somebody help me!" the girl cried out, tears falling down on her cheeks. However, nobody was there to here her, so she had to stand on her chair as the rats ran amuck around the house. They began to push the rolling chair out of the computer room and opened the front door, pushing the chair out. A sign was put up in the window, 'tis now be blu hord teritory'. The girl had to go and find help, and fast, before her house was destroyed.


The first place she stopped was the local gaming shop, with its gaming geeks. She went in and sputtered out that she had bought a game off E-bay and that it had glitched her computer.

"What game was this and what happened," the man said.

"It was called "The Attack of the Blue Hoard!" the girl said, turning somewhat white.

"Sounds like a cool name," the man said.

'It isn't… I think it was really a computer virus," the girl said.

'Why would you go and buy something like that?" the man said, staring at her in disbelief. "I mean, what attracted you to the game?"

"I was looking for a Redwall game," the girl said.

This caused the man to suddenly burst out laughing. "A Redwall game! Hah hah! Really, I declare, everyone knows the author's opinion of that kind of thing in relation to the books!"

"Well… all these blue rats came out of the screen," the girl said.

"You mean on the screen," the man said, trying to correct her.

"No, I meant out of the screen," the girl said.

"Are you sure you don't have a fever?" the man said, shaking his head.

"I'm positive!" the girl said.

"Here… this is the phone number of the Fanatic… he should be able to help you," the man said. "Call, his from outside your house… so I've heard rumor wise."


The girl waited outside her house for the Fanatic to come to her rescue. She was surprised to find, that after only a few minutes after making the call, a van pulled up. She saw the back open and a person cloaked and wearing a plastic mask of a human face pulling out a bunch of equipment.

"Excuse me… but are you going to exterminate them?" the girl asked.

"No… just send them back to the books," the person said, opening a suitcase. He pulled out a bunch of tops with shrews attached all around. He then went and opened her door and set them down and they went whirling through the masses, causing the rats to disappear in puffs of blue smoke.

"There are still a ton of them!" she said.

"Well… you did pick the virus based off of that book…" he said, opening up a carrier and pulling out what looked to be two toy cats. "These are the Tsarmina 2000 and her brother virus catching program."

She watched as the two toy cats came alive and chased the vermin around. "Hurry… my parents are coming home soon… I need to get the house cleaned up."

"Obviously they didn't know you used Pay Pal," the person commented.

"Uhh… no,"

"Fine… I'll use the Gonff-in-nader… but be forewarned… using that device makes it so… well, there are consequences. Do you understand?"

"I understand," she commented.

The person then set down a mouse that multiplied, but not as much as the hoard. Quickly they were dispelled and they seemed to all disappear. The person nodded his head at her. "I'll be going now."

"What about this mess," she asked as his toys came back to him.

"Ahh… well, I wasn't the one who fell for the online gimmick, was I?" the person said, turning and leaving.

This caused the girl to go inside. All around the room was covered with a blue powder. The china was all busted; the curtain torn… there was no way that she would be able to explain this to her parents. She went to the refrigerator to get a snack and fainted as a Gonff-in-nader squeaked, having eaten all the food in the house. It could easily be said, her parents weren't happy.


Meanwhile, on the highway, the person was driving away. It pulled back the cloak, and then pulled off the mask, revealing an Otter face. "Ever since I died in the books, I had to find something interesting to do."

Author's note – Yup… that is the whole thing, parodied off the 'spammers'. Hope this helps to relieve the stress of some people. :)