Because I like the part of Okita that seriously wants Hijikata to die. Tasteless humor and excessive use of exclamation points ahead.
(aka dogs that chase cars don't know what to do once they've caught up)
There was a terrific spray of blood as the katana cleaved through bone and muscle, and the arm holding the mayonnaise cigarette lighter flew through the air.
"Did you just say 'oops'? Is that all you have to say, you clumsy bastard?"
Okita examined his blade with great interest. "Ah, so dirty," he commented, proceeding to take a corner of Hijikata's jacket to wipe off the blood. "Gotta clean it or Kondou-san will scold me."
"Oi! You just cut off my arm, didn't you? And now you're wiping my blood off on my own uniform? Oi! Don't ignore me! I'll kill you."
Okita gave him a sharp, reproachful look. "Your uniform's already ruined. What does a little more blood matter? Besides, it's Hijikata-san's fault for not dodging like usual."
"You're trying to blame this on ME?"
"I-i-i-it's going to be okay. A-a-a-all we need is to find a t-t-t-t-time machine," Gintoki stammered, shoving Hijikata head-first into a nearby trashcan.
"Gin-san! Forget about the stupid time machine! This is serious! The hospital! We need to take him to a hospital!" Shinpachi panicked. "They can reattach it if-"
The Yorozuya trio, Hijikata, and Okita looked at the bloody pool on the ground where the dismembered limb had been, and then looked upward at a happy, panting Sadaharu.
"AHHHHHH! He ate it! He ate Hijikata-san's arm! I knew he had a taste for human blood but I didn't think he'd actually go that far!"
Gintoki smacked Sadaharu with a rolled-up newspaper. "How many times must I tell you not to pick up any garbage on the ground? Okaasan doesn't lovingly prepare your meals so you can fill up on junk and ruin your appetite."
"Whose arm are you calling garbage? Have some delicacy! Oi!"
"Ah~ h~ you guys really did it this time. Assaulting a police officer is a serious crime. Even if it's only Hijikata-san."
"Aren't you the one who assaulted him? We all saw you! We're all witnesses! Don't think you can cover up the truth by acting like the good cop now!"
"It's okay -aru. We'll just make Sadaharu puke it up. It'll be as good as a used tissue that's lying at the top of the trash pile."
"You can't, Kagura-chan! That's too disgusting! There's no way we can show something like that! If that thing came back out, we'd have to blur it!"
"Shinpachi's right. If we wait patiently for nature to run its course, it'll come out the other end. It'll be as good as a chewed up piece of gum stuck under the table."
"Kyahhh! That's even worse! Do you want the PTA to boycott us? Do you want to be cancelled?"
"Oi, you bastards! I'm bleeding to death over here! You want to die? You want me to kill you?"
"Now now Hijikata-san. Agitation only speeds up the blood loss. I've flunked out of medical school so I know just what to do."
Okita calmly opened up a first aid kit and rummaged around, moving the antiseptic, the ace bandages, the rubber tourniquet, and morphine out of the way until he found what he was searching for: a tiny band-aid.
He peeled the woefully inadequate band-aid and looked from it to the still-gushing wound.
"Yosh. Here we go," he said, placing the band-aid on and stepping back.
The Yorozuya trio looked at the band-aid, which now covered the bridge of Hijikata's nose.
"Hey now... isn't that the wrong place? Isn't the wound somewhere completely different? Did you really attend medical school? Are you a doctor of death?"
"Danna, don't you think it adds character to his face? Like you want to know what's underneath the band-aid but at the same time you don't because it'll take away the mystery?"
Gintoki tapped a fist into an open palm, nodding in agreement. "Ohhh, now that you mention it."
"That's not the problem here! Hijikata-san's arm is missing! He has TOO much character! He'll be the first one-armed samurai in history!"
"Don't worry about the details, Shinpachi-kun. We can give him a hook and call him a pirate."
"What are you talking about? Are you insane? It's a whole arm he's missing, not just a hand!"
"Then how about upgrading it to a bazooka? We can call him Robo-kata, version 2.12," Okita suggested.
"Version 2.12? What happened to version 2.0? What happened to 2.1?"
"We just need to draw attention away from the missing arm. Here you go -aru. I'll give this to you," Kagura said, putting an eyepatch over Hijikata's left eye.
"Better make it two. We don't want the characters to overlap." Gintoki put an eyepatch over the right eye.
"Ahh! You two! What are you doing to an injured man? And Hijikata-san, you say something, too!"
"...it's gotten dark. So cold. Is this what death is like?"
"Murder! We're all accessories to murder! We'll be hanged for sure! That ticket I bought for Otsuu-chan's next live will go to waste! I spent four months' salary on it and now I'll never get to enjoy it!"
"This is no time to lose our heads, Shinpachi-kun! Just because he's lost his arm doesn't mean it's gone forever. It's not like his virginity. There's always that, you know. There's a rule in anime that everything goes back to normal at the end of an episode. He may have lost half the blood in his body and be crossing the River Styx now but it's not like he's Yamazaki. He's too popular to kill off. His arm will be back by his next appearance." Gintoki averted his gaze and scratched his head. "Probably."
"There's no way that could happen! Please come back from the Kingdom of Denial and face reality! He's a monster! He's a hideous, disfigured, one-armed monster!"
"Then I have no choice. I'll even him out," Okita said, drawing his katana again and raising it above his head. Shinpachi dove and held him back from lopping off the other arm.
"I'm begging you, Okita-san, please stop it! That's going too far! Ah- it's already gone too far, but at this rate, Hijikata-san will be nothing but a head on the ground!"
"If he's going to be a head on the ground, I want him. I need a new egg cracker -aru."
"Give it up, Kagura. Gin-san won't allow you to bring a filthy thing home. With such a tragic end, I'm sure it'll be haunted. You don't want the Yorozuya to be haunted, do you?"
"But I want to keep him. He followed me home. He has nowhere else to go."
"Now hold still, Hijikata-san, or you might lose more than an arm. Or two," Okita deadpanned.
"Please! Listen to what I'm saying! An ambulance! Someone please call an ambulance! Hijikata-san's HP is close to 0!"
"AHHHH! HE'S DEAD! WE JUST STOOD HERE TALKING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE FIC AND LET HIM DIE WHEN WE COULD HAVE EASILY TRIED TO SAVE HIM!"
"That was pretty cold of you, megane-yaro. I didn't know you had it in you to kill someone."
"What's with those words and the cold sweat? Who are you trying to pin this crime on, you corrupt cop?"
"No, no, absolutely no! You promise to take care of it now, but okaasan's the one who'll end up cleaning and feeding the head!"
"Witnesses! I have witnesses to back up my story!"
"I know how to deal with uncooperative witnesses... they tend to 'disappear' under my care."
"Super S. This guy's a super sadist."
The Yorozuya trio and Okita stopped their bickering and fell silent as they looked at the blurred out thing that Sadaharu had regurgitated, rolling in super slow-mo toward them in all its horrifying glory.
This scene has been cut short due to technical difficulties. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please join us next time when Hijikata has both arms back and we pretend this fanfic never happened.
Roll End Credits
Hijikata did not really die. He merely passed out from blood loss.
woot! 4 fics in less than 4 weeks! A big thank you to everyone who's been kind enough to read and review my Gintama fics. It kept me from being my usual Gintoki-level lazy self.
October 17, 2008