Author's Note: Ouran always seemed a bit too clean to me. When I think of rich schools I think of corruption. Think Gossip Girl. Or Cruel Intentions. Something along those lines. So just for fun, I decided to give Ouran a little bit more of an edgier twist. While still attempting to keep everyone in character. We're talking sex, drugs, alcohol, parties, homosexuality... Means yaoi, and possibly yuri if anyone requests it... I'm warning you. This is not only offensive to the characters but to any groups, lifestyles, adminstrations I might have made pop culture jokes about. So if you are offended easily, you should turn around :D Thank you.

PS: Also, I never really watched any of the shows that I'm making fun of (Gossip Girl(I did read a few), The OC). I disliked them too much. So if you review talking about them, I really won't know what you mean. Sorry!

Suspicious noises were coming from the Third Music Room. Of course, that wasn't particularly unusual for this particular music room on any given week day between the hours of three to five in the evening. Even so, today they were certainly more peculiar than usual. But then, what could you expect when dealing with the most dangerously devilish duo in all of Ouran Private Academy?

"Ungh..." A brunette, one Miyaki Kanawa, daughter of an elite computer software businessman lie upon the rosy sofa, her cheeks flushed with fervor, eyes half closed. The reason for the usually primp and proper princess's fallen state was not completely clear. Of course it could have something to do with the pair of identical, auburn haired young men towering over her, one perched upon the sofa arm, nearest to her face. The other had her legs straddled, a forefinger teasingly tracing the length of her body. The girl could hardly tell which was which. Not many could. But it didn't bother the two.


They could care less.

"Come on!" she breathed suddenly, her tone agonized with longing. "Just do it already!"

The perching twin's lips curved slightly downward into a frown. "Is she rushing us, Kaoru?"

The other momentarily glanced up, expression mirroring his brother's. "I believe so, Hikaru."

"Perhaps we should have chosen a more patient guest?" they queried in unison. The question did not garner, nor require an answer. Only the expected look of horror that suddenly sprung into their customer's eyes as they turned to smirk down on her.

Hitachiin Hikaru & Hitachiin Kaoru.

First Year, Class A

Class Rank: 3rd and 4th

Host Rank: Little Devil Type

Sons of Renowned Fashion Designer

Famous for capturing the hearts of over 80 percent of the female student body with their symmetrical good looks.

Notorious for breaking those hearts.

"Please!" Miyaki was begging now, her fingers hiking her hideously yellow uniform skirts up higher and higher. "I told all of my friends-"

"Is that all we are to you?"

"An edge over your friends?"

The girl's reddened face plainly stated, "Well, duh!" But she wasn't going to tell them that. Not if it meant wrecking her chance with the Hitachiins.

Caution: Hearts weren't all they broke.

No. The Hitachiins were quite infamous for breaking contracts, wit, bones, spirit, wind, and in this particular case (and quite a few others), promises of sexual intercourse.

"Mm... I don't know." Hikaru traced invisible circles over the girl's now exposed thigh. "What do you think, Kaoru?"


"Hikaru! Kaoru!" A new, slightly deeper voice entered, stage right, and a hand suddenly snatched away the beige curtain that was shielding this interesting little scenario. Kaoru groaned as he caught a familiar shade of gold. The parade was officially rained out. Scrutinizing violet eyes shot from them and melted from murderously accusing to irresistibly charming in a matter of seconds as they settled upon the disheveled girl upon the sofa.

"Excuse me, mademoiselle, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Psh! Hell no!" She shot up from her seated position, nearly crashing into Hikaru's chest. "I'm not leaving until I get what I came here for." With that, she grasped the twin tightly by his tie and pulled him forward, crushing their lips together in a harsh kiss.

Kaoru's left eye twitched slightly and the rain thought it was best to take it upon himself to clear this parade out.

"Club hours are over, princess." His tone more serious then before, their intruder swept closer, hands gracefully motioning toward the curtain. "Please leave."

Breaking apart from her captive, the girl rose in a huff, her dark eyes narrowing in on the intruder. "I'm not your princess" she hissed in his direction before turning on her heel and storming out from behind the curtains. Part of her skirts were tucked into her pantyhose and Hikaru found that particularly amusing. So did Kaoru.

The rainy, intruder however, was not amused.

"What the hell did I tell you about making out with customers?!" He suddenly bellowed, now looming over the chuckling duo. It was his turn to grasp both their ties. "If they expect it from you, they'll expect us all to do it!"

"Eh, stop overreacting, Tono."

"It was nothing serious."

"This time!" The newly assigned "Tono" boomed in their ears, rendering them temporarily deaf. "But last time! Last time... It could have been worse! What if... What if you..." The cat seemed to catch his tongue. After a long silence, Kaoru offered,


"Tono" emitted a small, displeased noise. Apparently, he wasn't very fond of that type of language.

"What's wrong, Tono?" Hikaru leaned forward, his amber eyes teasing.

"That's what you were trying to say, right?"

"Ahem." "Tono" cleared his throat, recovering from the usage of that horrible, offending, very bad word! "The point is, if you two don't stop whoring around, every girl that steps through that threshold will be looking for some-"

Suou Tamaki.

Second Year, Class A

Class Rank: 2nd

Host Rank: Princely King (Self- Proclaimed)

Bastard Son of One of the Seven Elite Families

Famous for his ability to stun over 90 percent of the student body period with his unfathomable good looks and natural prince-like charisma and charms

Notorious for being a complete and utter idiot. And a goody-two-shoes to boot.

"You worry too much, Tono." Kaoru fell back against the sofa, arms crossed. His nose crinkled slightly in disgust. It smelled like that girl... of whom's name he had conveniently forgotten. Not that he usually remembered anyway.

"Maybe someone needs to get laid." Hikaru laughed, playfully shoving a simmering Tamaki in the side.

"He could have a point, Tono." The other joined in, jabbing and pointing at the now practically fuming king.

Caution: Tamaki had a deep, dark, dreaded secret.

He was (a)...






Sexually Challenged

Freak of Nature

To put it eloquently (and perhaps more precisely), Tamaki, the self proclaimed Host King, the seductive charmer...

... was a virgin.

That's right, kids.

A virgin.

No. Tamaki would not allow just anyone to desecrate his temple of a body. Not that the world had to know that. He'd told very few, and it was only a mistake that the twins knew about it. God forbid he ever play another drunken game of I Never with them again... (Full Cup)

"Tamaki." A low, yet chiding tone invaded the air around them and the curtain was suddenly flung wide open to reveal a dark haired young man with glasses, only slightly shorter than the host king. "You didn't dismiss the guests properly."

"Kyouya!" Tamaki exclaimed, eyes growing wide before snapping around to point accusingly at the twins in his usual flamboyant fashion. "It was those despicable peons that led me astray with their licentious ways! I had but to-" The twins began to drown out the boy's rant with a taunting sing-song chant and Kyouya gave a small, irritated sigh as he turned his attentions back to the black, notebook resting in his arms.

Ootori Kyouya.

2nd Year, Class A

Class Rank: 1st

Host Rank: Cool Type

Proper Son of One of the Seven Elite Families

Famous for his unbreakable composure, intelligence, and ability to know a little (or a lot) about everything and everyone.

Notorious for manipulative qualities and being just plain evil.

But that wasn't a side that he let out very often.

Or rather, let on.

"Hikaru. Kaoru." He addressed the twins and they immediately stopped teasing their "king" to eye him. With this type of power, it was a wonder that he wasn't "king" himself. "Perhaps the two of you wouldn't mind disposing of that." He gestured toward a dark, skimpy cloth in the sofa, pen in hand.

"WHAT DEVILTRY-" Tamaki started again as the twins approached the womens' under garment and Kyouya used an index finger to push his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. Even though they were quite snug already. It was a nervous habit of course that he'd developed from one of his many serious problems.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Caution: Kyouya has Serious. Problems.

Seriously. I mean serious problems. We're talking substance problems. If you know what I mean. We're talking Character Most Likely to be Admitted to an Insane Asylum in a Trashy Fanfic problems. If you catch my drift. We're talking Kathryn Merteuil problems. If you get my obscure reference.

Without the doing his stepbrother part.

Wait, does Kyouya even have a stepbrother?


Kyouya has serious problems.

And that's not even the half of it.

"Kyo-chaaaan!" A tiny, yet resoundingly loud voice rang through out the room. "Don't forget the strawberry cakes for tommorrow!"

Kyouya muttered something barely audible and turned away from the hobbit to scribble in his notebook.

"YAAAY!" The hobbit let out a joyful little cry and danced about the room with an unending energy, his copper bangs bouncing all the while. Cake was apparently, very important to this particular height-deficient teenager.

Haninozuka Mitsukuni.

AKA Hunny

3rd Year, Class A

Class Rank: 1st

Host Rank: Pedo Type

Son of Reknowned Dojo Master

Famous for his cute, adorable appearance and mannerisms

Notorious for his cold and calculating dual personality and nuclear fighting skills

"I want a chocolate cake! And an oreo cake! And a kiwi cake! And a lemon cake! And a banana cake!"


Yes. I know what you're thinking. Hunny is strung out on cake. Or perhaps you are thinking Hunny is a weapon of mass destruction? Well, don't run off to the Bush Administration just yet. While these facts may be true, they are not the real problem at hand.

Caution: Hunny is addicted to liposuction.


Don't look at me like that. How do you think he stays so thin? It certainly isn't all of that dojo martial arts. That has been outlawed. It couldn't be his time spent with the host club. All he does is eat cake there too! It can't be those warm nights with Mori. But that's a story for the next paragraph.

The bottom line is Haninozuka Mitsukuni is addicted to liposuction.

And that, my friends, is a serious issue.

"Takashiiii!" Hunny squealed as he raced across the music room toward the tallest member of the host club. With one, last joyful squee, he leapt into his arms, wrapping his own around the boy's neck. The two of them made an interesting pair. So interesting it seemed almost... illegal. The rest of the club thought so. But they never said anything about it, too scared to face the wrath of an angry hobbit. And his wasn't the only wrath they had to worry about...

"Mitsukuni." The tall brunette spoke, a slow smile curving over his lips.

Morinozuka Takashi

AKA Mori

3rd Year, Class A

Class Rank: 2nd

Host Rank: Wild Type(?)

Cousin of Son of Reknowned Dojo Master

Famous for sitting around and doing absolutely nothing.

Notorious for sitting around and doing absolutely nothing.

Mori leaned down to plant a chaste kiss on his cousin's lips. They were in public after all. No need to get too rowdy (Fortunately for the other club members). Besides, Mori had some business to take care of.


Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. Mori is an incestuous, pedophile.

Well, that maybe could possibly be true...

But that's not the matter at hand here.

Caution: Mori is a Furry.

No, no. Not like what you're thinking. After you go retrieve your mind from the gutter, do a proper Wikipedia search.

Mori just loves animals. He's like one of those crazy animal rights activists who trapped a popular American R&B singer at a dinner years ago for wearing a fur coat. Mori is all about peace and love and existentialism. And all of the recreational drugs that come with it.

"Takashi!" Hunny beamed at his stoic lover. "Let's go eat cake!"

Rather than challenging the absurd Deja Vu inducing request, Mori agreed with a simple "Ah."

However, somewhere across the large music room, someone was challenging that request. In fact, they were challenging everything they'd seen and heard that day. And that brings us to the last member of this rich and beautiful set of men:

Fujioka Haruhi.

1st Year, Class A

Class Rank: 1st

Host Rank: Natural Type


Famous for being the modest, sweet commoner

Notorious for being mind numbingly lethargic and boring

Haruhi blinked, dumbstruck. Even a week after knocking over and destroying that bong. After a week of endless torture and threats to his financial situation, he was still awed by the enigma that was the Ouran High School Host Club. But then, was he really the one to complain? After all, Fujioka Haruhi was hiding the biggest secret of all! Bigger than breaking things, or being a virgin, or having serious problems, or an addiction to liposuction, or being a hippy furry! Even though, Haruhi is a few of those things as well...

Haruhi's problem was dire and VERY essential to the (plot?) Host Club's future!

Caution: Fujioka Haruhi IS ACTUALLY A GIRL!

Oh, not surprised are you?

Well, get this...


Okay, I got nothin.

Fujioka Haruhi is about as boring as they come. But somehow, everyone will come to love her...

... Right?

Will the twins ever stop toying with their customers hearts?

Will Tamaki ever lose his virginity?

Will any of Kyouya's hundred serious problems be revealed in the near future?

Will Hunny cure his addiction?

Will Mori attend the next PETA rally?

Find out the answer to ... at least one of these questions!

In the next chapter of The OHC!

Okay. That was so comedic, and I swear I didn't mean for it to be. I just start writing and it comes out as a parody. I mean for this story to be dramatic as well and there will definitely be some dramatic tones in it along with the comedy. It's supposed to be a dark comedy.

This was only the introduction. From now on, the chapters should be a lot more personal.

This is meant to be like a typical rich teenager show (The O.C, Gossip Girl) and a little Jerry Springer XD so expect craziness in the future. Feel free to make requests, but I already sort of know where I am going. With Kyouya in particular. His character is definitely going to be hit the hardest... Sorry, all you Kyouya fans.


What did you like? Or dislike? Be honest!