He stared at the graves, trying to push down the lump in his throat.
"Spook." He didn't jump when she said his name, having heard her walk up behind him. He didn't have it flared like he used to -- he had learned his lesson in that regard -- however, he still could go throughout the day without at least a little burning at all times.
"Spook," Beldre said again, setting a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, their waiting for you."
He laid his own hand over her own, nodding his understanding, still unable to speak.
After a moment like that she sat down next to him, putting her head where her hand had been.
"I never did get to met them," she said finally nodding slightly to the two trees in front of them.
"They were-" He started to reply, but was unable to finish. Swallowing, he tried again. "They were som-" His voice wobbled and he stopped, eyes blinking. However that only seemed to make the tears come faster.
"It's been a three years," he finally croaked out as tears started to stream down his face. "It's been three years, but I still feel slightly lost. The world was changed while I stood in darkness, yet somehow I still expect to be able to turn around and see Vin glaring at Breeze for some trick he played. Or to see El smiling, trying to find someone to discuss his latest scholarly ideas with. Or to find Sazed trying to tell me that this religion or that would be good for me, ready with the reasons.
"It's not just them," he added, streaming eyes staring ahead, not really seeing the landscape around him. "It's just as bad when I think about my uncle, or Kel. It's been longer since I lost them, but it still hurts just as much."
He fell silent, unable to speak past the sobs that wracked his body. Beldre wrapped her arms around him, allowing him to cling to her as he tried to get his emotions under control.
When he had finally calmed down a little, he continued. "I realized when Kel first told us his insane plan that if we by some miracle actually succeeded everything would change. How can you overthrow a god and not have things change? But I didn't realize that it meant everyone would have to die for that to happen.
"I can kinda' see how Kel's death was needed. The skaa never would have had the courage unless something major happened. I won't say that I understood that at the time, and I still wish there had been another way. But I do understand why he did what he did.
"But I don't understand why we had to lose everyone else! Dox, who was a genus when it came to numbers and organizing. Or El -- he was so optimistic. He would have loved to see how things are now. He always wanted a system like this one. It would have been nice to have him to go to if I have questions.
"Or Vin. Small, paranoid, wonderful Vin. She really made me feel like I wasn't good enough. She did so much for everyone -- for the world. I wish I could have done more, helped her more. She deserved to be able to relax and live a little without having to worry about betrayal or fighting.
"Hearing about her past made me really appreciate what I got with my uncle." As he said the word his voice cracked. He sat in silence, trying to fight the sobs. When he felt he had enough control he continued, voice still thick with tears. "I think he's really the person I miss the most. He saved me, you know. My parents were going to let me be killed, but he came and took me away. He took care of me."
"And then there was Sazed. He was have been fascinated to discover how much the religions have changed in this short time. Although," he added with a half laugh, whipping away his tears, "I guess he's getting to see it anyway. I still have a hard time believing that."
"It sounds like they were great people," Beldre said watching as her husband stood, adjusting his jacket.
"They were the best people I've ever know, and I suspect the best people to ever live."