Disclaimer: As usual I own none of the people, places and things associated with Scrubs. You all know that :P

Chapter 1

The roof of Sacred Heart hospital was a place so out in the open. Yet the acts being committed at that moment were ones that had been kept locked away in secret. Once again, Dr Perry Cox and Dr John Dorian were on that roof, continuing an affair that had both comforted and plagued them for months.

Kisses so passionate they could set the ocean on fire. Hands finding their way beneath clothing to explore. Temperatures rising so high, that both men wanted to strip down to nothing but their pure emotions. Moans of pleasure so deep that they were sure someone heard it. As the sun shined on both of them, Perry Cox couldn't help but think of the irony, knowing that his feelings for JD should never see the true light of day.

"Perry. Perry. Perry." JD whispered with love and affection in his voice, snuggling up closer to his lover with his eyes shut in bliss.

Perry sighed in contemplation. For years he had thought about the man in his arms, buried in his chest. He had dreamed of loving JD for years and yet he hated it when JD spoke his name that way. Perry didn't believe he deserved it, no matter how much he craved it. A part of him wanted to squeeze the young doctor back, but the opposition told him to push away like always. Naturally the negative reaction won out.

"JD please, I don't want to be touched right now." Perry eased JD off him before turning away. He could never look JD in the eyes after their pleasure, knowing that he had broken the promise to himself again.

JD, just like the times before, didn't get the message and hugged Perry once again. "Come on, I want to hold you. You don't know how crazy it makes me, knowing that once we leave this roof you're with someone else."

"JD, I'm warning you." Perry looked as his non phased companion. His mind was still debating what to do. He hoped JD would make the decision easy and just back off.

"Come on Perry." JD looked into his eyes, pleading with him. "We've been waiting years for this. I loved it when you held me before. Please."

Perry hated the control that those big blue eyes held over him. He hated even more that JD was starting to learn it was his weakness. The thought of being conquered by love sent Perry's mind into a fit. JD had taken Perry's arm and slid it around his shoulders, holding his hand to keep the arm around his frame. For a second Perry let himself enjoy his fingers intertwining with JD's, before snapping back.

"Get off, will you!" Perry shoved him, harder than intended. JD fell back on the ground. Perry felt the guilt rising in his stomach but he convinced himself it was for the best.

"I'm sorry. Sometimes I just…" JD wanted to complete his sentence, but he felt too hurt. Despite knowing that Perry wasn't going to open up any time soon, JD always held out the hope that he would.

Perry stood over him, staring down his weakness and feeling a sense of control. "Listen here. I may be your sex buddy, part time lover or whatever you want to call me but one thing I'm sure as heck not is your boyfriend. I'm with Jordan and we have two kids and no matter my feelings for you, I'm not leaving her. You see my feelings for you are let out in secret and nobody can ever know. You agreed with me on this. After we do our thing, however far that may go, I DO NOT want to cuddle and I DO NOT want to compromise that because you can't keep your girly little hands away. Clear?"

JD directed his answer to the ground. "Okay."

Perry touched his nose and folded his arms. He knew he had hurt JD, but he just couldn't allow the younger man to fall in love with him. It helped him not to fall in completely in love with JD as well. Their feelings becoming public would send things spiralling out of control and Perry was smart enough to know that. He needed that control, even if he had to hurt JD to keep it. Even if he had to hurt himself to keep it.

Staring at JD, still on the ground, Perry leaned down to help him up but at the last second decided against it. Before the guilt could get the better of him he walked away. In his mind he only hurt JD to save them both. JD deserved better than someone who couldn't commit to him completely.

JD finally stood up, brushing off Perry's reaction like he had always done. Mentally slapping himself for being so stupid he walked towards the edge of the roof and stared at the view. "I should understand that he needs to sort things out. I know he loves me and he just can't show it. After all, it took years to get that first kiss, so I shouldn't ruin it now. As god as my witness, I will not sabotage this relationship." The words sounded so pointless as no-one was around to hear them.

Turning back towards the roof stairs, JD straightened himself up. He confidently strode towards the door, composure regained. Just before he reached the door, Todd stepped out wearing nothing but a banana hammock, lathering lotion on himself.

"Hey JD, great sun we're having today." Todd squinted at the bright light. "Want to join me?"

Smiling as politely as possible, JD replied. "Maybe some other time, Todd."

"Later five!" Todd held up his hand, making sure that JD was making him a promise.

Begrudgingly, JD held up his hand and allowed Todd to give it a firm slap. "I'll see you."

JD shook his head as he walked down the stairs, although half way down he turned back. Through the slightly open door he could see Todd flexing. The confidence, the openness and the way he just didn't care made JD think. Allowing his mind to drift back to the amazing moments Perry and he had shared, he wondered what it would be like if they were that carefree. Then realising he was still eyeing The Todd, JD resumed walking down the stairs, wishing that Perry was as open.

To let off some steam after his shift Perry decided to hit the gym. Not only to release his emotions in a work out, but because he knew it was the one place in the hospital JD wouldn't be venturing should he decide to hang around.

Ignoring the usual bunch of scalpel jocks that usually took up the gym, Perry jumped on a treadmill and started running. As he kept his steady pace, he allowed his mind to wander. Fantasising about actually running away from everything making him crazy, JD being number one.

Determined to succeed in pushing the younger doctor from his mind, Perry upped the speed on the treadmill. No matter how fast he ran, JD kept popping up into his mind. The smooth skin on his face, big blue eyes and the geeky but adorable smile. Remembering the way his hands felt and the way his mouth moved. Everything that made up JD. Everything that caused Perry to go over the line and kiss him that fateful night. All the things that kept him going back, despite promising himself he would end it.

Realising his treadmill was slowing down, Perry shut his eyes. He kept going along with the cool down. The endorphins kept his mind firmly on the pleasure he had experienced that afternoon. JD would have left the hospital by that point, but Perry wanted him. He shook it off and watched the timer on the machine count down. He stared at it with intent until the treadmill stopped and he stood in place panting. JD still having the success of invading his thoughts.

"Dude, check out Cox's boner." Todd cried out so the few in the gym could hear.

Blind with fury, Perry stepped off the treadmill. He didn't dare look down. He blamed JD for this happening, but decided to take it out on Todd. Stepping towards the surgeon he punched him right in the face.

"Anybody else?" Perry asked. He noticed some of them leaving, others pretending they didn't see and of course Todd at his feet.

"Uncool!" Todd pointed at Perry before heading off towards the bathroom.

As his workout went on, his anger only rose. As he pumped the iron, JD continued to drive him crazy. Seeing he was now alone in the gym, he let out a frustrated cry. There was only one thing he could think of to wipe the memories away, if only temporarily.

After driving home as fast as he could, he practically sprinted to his apartment door. Throwing the door open he was glad to see Jordan sitting alone on the couch. It meant that Jack and Jennifer Dylan were asleep. He looked at her, admiring every part of her. Convinced that it was Jordan turning him on, he gave a slight grin.

"Oh god, are you really that desperate." Jordan recognised the look on Perry's face. "First of all tell your pants it's rude to point."

Joining his ex-wife on the couch, Perry proceeded in kissing her passionately. "Jordan Jordan Jordan." He said he name over and over, cementing it in his mind.

"What did I tell you about kissing?" Jordan pushed him back. Perry focused his gaze on her as he pinned her down and removed her clothes.

Perry ripped off his pants in desperation. "I'm going to rock your world." It was the first successful time all day that Perry hadn't thought about JD. He was with Jordan. He was in control. Everything was as it should be.

NOTE: Okay, so there you have it. The first chapter in a series of many. I'm already a few chapters ahead due to WKMS, so you can expect the next instalment up soon enough. I hope you like it and if so tell me, reviews equal encouragement and help make things better. That's pretty much it for now. Thanks for reading :-) Oh yeah and I should say that this is probably going to be bumped up to an M rating in a few chaps.