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The Marriage

Many things happened on February the thirteenth.

Children were born with eight toes. Socks were lost in dryers. Blood was spilled. Blood was given. Blood packets were strewn across the floor and picked up by butlers.

And a council of twelve supposedly intelligent men informed Integra Hellsing she was unfit to run her organization until she got married.

Of course, the word spread, and some of her old enemies, despite having been pwned at Bluff, decided to offer their...help...

It was not taken well.

--

"The Major sent me a love letter...with extremely explicit descriptions of...with illustrated diagrams? He labeled them?"

Integra's expression, red-cheeked, wide eyed, mouth opened in horror, was so comical that it could have come straight out of some deranged shoujo/humor manga.

Alucard looked over her shoulder.

"You have to admire his creativity, Master...are those drawn to scale?"

"I think I'm going to be ill. My eyes...my eyes have just been deflowered. Metaphorically. Walter? Go find me a dull spoon so I can gouge them out."

Walter, who had just entered with some soothing tea, looked alarmed. "Sir Integra, is something wrong?"

"Not something. Everything. I opened the letter the Major sent to me and...Alucard, you explain this, I'm going to go shoot things until I feel better. Or something happens that is sufficiently catastrophic as to distract me."

"He has a whole section on threesomes, Walter, Police Girl, and Captain Bernadette are all included...the only person not mentioned is me."

"Thank God for small mercies." Integra replied, slamming the door behind her and leaving Walter to puzzle out her behavior.

--

"Well, thankfully, the problem has been resolved without bloodshed." Integra began, looking at her audience. Her two vampires, and Walter were in attendance, all waiting expectantly for her decision.

"Didn't you incapacitate Maxwell with a coffee table?" Alucard asked. Integra ignored him and went on.

"The order- that I find a husband to 'stabilize' my mental condition- has been met. One of the Knights of the Round Table has a third son who has no chance at inheriting anything, and is less than flamboyant. He's being forced to marry me or be disowned. The wedding will be in about four months."

"Er...Sir Integra. I don't mean to be rude, but...why exactly does the Round Table think you're unstable?" Seras asked slowly.

"A combination of various things, including a disastrous meeting with a psychiatrist that ended up with the doctor in a mental asylum mortally terrified of the dark, and the hope that marrying me off might keep me from making cracks about their mistresses whenever they try to cut my budget."

"That reminds me, Sir Integra; the doctor's family contacted us about payment for Dr. Kull's treatment." Walter said, producing an envelope from the same place that Anderson pulled his bayonets and Alucard kept his guns, masses of random clothes, and endless ammunition.

Integra smiled slyly. "Take it out of Alucard's blood ration, seeing as he was the one who decided to sabotage the meeting."

--

Eric Feldman was a normal person. He was the son of someone important, but didn't have much money of his own, so he worked for a company that manufactured tea blenders. He had a girlfriend, a tiny person with masses of dark curls named Sara who worked in a tea shop. If you saw him on the street you would pass him by without a second thought.

Until today, when he was marched into his father's office, told that one; that there was a woman in this group that was in need of a husband, and two; vampire existed and this woman-Sir Hellsing-fought them.

Unknowingly, Eric had just entered a select group of the people who knew. A large portion of this group was dead.

But no one had told Eric this.

And on this fine morning, he was going to a restaurant to have a private brunch with his fiancé. There were many, many rumors that he'd heard upon further research; the most he had been able to confirm was that she was a woman of strong character, forceful personality, and great power. Oh, and she had a pet vampire.

That last point was rather frightening to Eric, who was a thoroughly unsuperstitious person.

But he put on brave face and marched, in his best suit, into the reserved back room. To his horror (good manners dictate the man arrive before the lady) Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing was already seated at the little table, absently drinking tea.

"G-Good morning." He managed, taking her in. She too was in a suit, cream colored, and her face was bare of any make up, her clothes free of unnecessary adornment. Her eyes were very piercing.

"Good morning." She replied.

"So...ah...I trust you found this place alright...er...?" The restaurant in question was very well known and faced the street. Eric felt rather like a complete moron at that moment.

"Integra. I suppose if we're going to be married, we ought to be on first name terms."

"Oh. Right. I'm Eric Feldman but you knew that..."

"There's no need to be so nervous. I can assure you that I rarely rip people to shreds with my bare hands, or whatever it is you've been told about me." Generally, Integra left the whole ripping-to-shreds-by-hand thing to Alucard, but there was no reason to tell Eric that.

"Of course not! I'm sure you'd never do anything like that..."

"You don't have to keep playing polite, Eric. I realize that you are probably as unhappy about this as I am. My hope is for us is that we can at least reach amiable terms with each other. This is a business arrangement, and I expect from you only the respect I would ask for from an associate. If you have questions, and I'm sure you do- Sir Feldman is not what I'd call forthcoming-then ask them."

"I was informed, earlier, of your...current post as the head of an organization...my father said he didn't have time to discuss the details..."

"You were informed of the arrangements this morning?" Integra's eyebrows went up. She scowled. "I run a vampire-hunting organization. We protect the Queen and country with our lives from the undead that plague it. We have a small army of human men and two vampires on staff."

"Two vampires?"

"Yes, about six months ago there was a...situation that left us with another one."

"You've run this organization for several years now?"

"Since I was twelve." She went on to extrapolate on the logistics, strategy, etc. of vampire hunting. It was interesting, and she seemed much less frigid when she was discussing her business. This was obviously her element.

"I have a favor to ask of you, Integra- I have three older sisters who run a very successful wedding planning business. They're very excited about this wedding. I was hoping you could involve them in the process- they'll work for free, obviously."

"Nonsense. Give me their number and they can have free rein. I have no time to plan a wedding."

--

"I have only three requirements."

June, May, and August were Eric's older sisters. They were triplets. And they'd married three brothers who were also triplets.

Integra vowed to avoid all possible family reunions for the rest of her life, or at least until she could tell them apart.

"Only...three?" June repeated hopefully. She normally dealt with clients who already were sure of what they wanted, and what they wanted was generally hideous. The idea of free rein over anything, even if they weren't getting paid, was highly appealing.

"One, I want complete control over the guest list. Two, I want control over the budget. And three, I want the wedding held at night, on the grounds of Hellsing headquarters. Besides, that, I don't particularly care what you do. Just send me the bills and whatever I have to sign."

May was the most blunt of the three, and so was the first to speak up. "I understand the first two, but why do you want to get married at night in a field used for soldiers to march around in?"

Integra found this bluntness refreshing, and decided to answer in kind. "One, the maintenance of that 'field' costs more than ten weddings. Two, this is Hellsing ground, and I am a Hellsing first and anything else second. And third, I need you to attend a security briefing in three days to explain why we need a night wedding."

"We don't mean to be rude, Integra." August was the youngest and the most tactful. "We'll do our best for you. I'm glad that you and Eric are getting married. It's good that he's settling down."

"Thank you, August. I'll see you on Thursday. Just come up to the gate of the house, I'll make sure someone escorts you inside."

The three women, identical brown ponytails swinging behind them, strode out of the room in a practiced sort of movement. Integra glanced down into her lap, where she had the three's dossier, and nodded.

"That went well."

Meanwhile, the triplets were not so sure.

"Great. Eric's marrying a weirdo. She's so cold! What happened to Sara? I thought Eric and her were dating. In fact, I seem to recall her being with Eric at dinner not last week." May complained as soon as she thought they were out of earshot. (Integra's hearing was significantly better than most, and she had intercom systems all over the house for this very purpose.)

"Shh, May, not in the house." August hissed, dragging her older sister by the arm.

"We don't even know what happened. Father could have arranged for a business match- you know how much he hates Sara." June said.

"And he likes this woman? This Hellsing? She's the one he's always complaining about at home." May went on, slamming a car door shut behind her. Safe in the velvet interior of their car, the three sighed in unison.

"The grounds looked flat, anyways. We could bring in flowers, or mini trees, or..." August trailed off. "Something to brighten it up a little."

"Pity we can't brighten up her frigid face." May snapped, and stared down at her hands in fury.

--

"Oh, there you are. Come here for a minute, I need a partner." Integra, swept into the room, dressed in her full wedding gown, her hair pulled up in a sweeping bun that exposed her neck. She grabbed onto Alucard's arm.

"What are you doing out here in the middle of the day? Never mind, just come with me so we can get this over with."

As she talked, she hauled him down the hall with surprising ease, despite the fact she was shorter than he was. Someone who didn't know them would have been surprised at how little effort it took her.

"A partner."

"Yes, for the wedding. Walter is busy, or I would get him to help me, but I suppose you'll do...you're too tall though..."

"Practicing for the wedding already?"

"Yes, I have to wear these bloody high heels and this stupid dress and I thought I'd better try dancing in them now before I'm forced to do it in front of two hundred other people. No doubt I'll fall and hurt myself."

"Oh. Dancing." Alucard sounded disappointed, and Integra, her natural paranoia fueled by years of having her bath filled with blood and her cakes stuffed with spiders, among other, more insidious things, picked right on it and stopped him.

"What did you think I was asking you to-do not answer that. Not one bloody word."

They arrived at the doors of the ballroom, where some music was playing and the triplets were waiting, August with a pair of white, strappy heels in hand and May with a disgruntled expression.

"One of us could have danced with you." She complained.

"I don't dance." Integra replied, dragging Alucard out onto the floor. "I just want to insure my ankles will survive this ordeal."

"Haven't you ever worn high heels before?" June asked. Integra shook her head and hesitantly laid her hand on Alucard's shoulder.

"Let's get this over with." She said, resigned, and they started to waltz slowly across the floor.

Integra would never admit it, but her vampire was the only person in the world she felt particularly comfortable dancing with, if only because she didn't have to play nice with him or make conversation. Not to mention she could lean on him if her shoes pinched without worrying about propriety.

Plus he, never, ever stepped on her feet. Something to do with a portion of the blood bond called the Asimov Approval.

"Why do women wear these things? They do such awful things to your back. Do they want to limp around like cripples all the time?"

"It's graceful. Delicate. Feminine, Master. Some women do think about such things."

"Why not write 'mug me' on their foreheads and be done with it?"

"Practicality before beauty- how Hellsing of you."

"Well? How do those shoes fit?" May called across the room. "Good enough?"

Integra threw her her best glare, the one that made grown man cower. It had much the same effect on May. "I hate them. Find me something that doesn't turn me into a clown on stilts. Alucard, you're dismissed."

She turned away from her, bent and undid the straps on her sandals, and unceremoniously dumped them in June's arms. "Let's finish the dress fitting. I have a report to write."

--

Um...yeah. So people liked Bluff, and now I have a huge amount of ideas for these crackfics. These include Integra switching bodies...with a teenage girl who loves vampires. Also the classic 'random other Hellsings who become the heirs' cliché. And more to come! If you have an idea, leave it in a review.

Also, if this fic makes zero sense, let me know so I can fix it.