Chapter 12: Too Much too Soon?
Summary: Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?
I don't own anything.
I don't know what came to me. I suddenly became nervous after Edward called Jasper. During the short drive to his place, I became silent, over thinking things. Its not that I am doing this for the first time or anything, I mean I'm not a virgin. It's just that it had been too long since I've been intimate with a guy. Especially someone who I truly love and care for. So yeah, I am nervous as hell. Edward seems to be more than I have asked for. At least on what I am seeing now. Could he be truly real? My own personal dream come true? I sure hope to God he is. I don't think I can bear to be hurt once more. Not that I have taken a chance yet again, taking that risk to give my heart out to someone again.
We're getting near his apartment now and I feel like my hands are sweating. I couldn't even look at him now without exposing what I truly feel. It's like when you are about to jump off a cliff. You are anticipating the dive, the hype, yet you're still scared shit of jumping. That's closest to what I feel, except that the hype is so much more than the adrenaline that will course through your body after the jump. It's Edward. Period.
He turned off the ignition and let out a deep breath. He looked at me with all the compassion and patience I never thought can see in his eyes.
"Babe, we don't have to do this, I mean I'm not trying to force you or anything. I just want to spend the night with you." He said his voice calm and resolved.
I looked at him then, "No, I'm not feeling forced Edward, I was just thinking. You don't have to worry about me, I want this, and I want you." I said and squeezed his hand to make him feel that I want him too.
"If you say so, come one lets go upstairs." He opened his door and immediately opened mine. I laughed at myself at how silly he is. I know he wants this so much more than I do; he's a man I guess.
We walked hand in hand up to his apartment and he opened the door. We walked inside while he flipped the lights on.
"Do you want something to drink?" he asked while I sat on the couch.
"Uh, water would be nice. Thank you" I said taking a look at his apartment. I've been in this place numerous times and only now have I realized that the whole room doesn't scream Edward himself. It's more like the combination of the three of them. Jasper, Emmet and him.
The part near the television says Emmett all the way with all the game consoles and the huge Lazy boy seat at the middle of it. The flat plasma TV is sure to be Em's idea. At the side of the Television is a rack full of books and CDs which I know is Edward's. At the far end of the room there was a small space for musical instruments; guitar, a small piano, a beat box and other small instrument I have no idea what. This area seems to be a combination or Edward and Jasper since they have the same tastes in music and plays the same instruments. It made me smile looking at this. Because when you look at the guys in a distance, you'll just see gorgeous men, properly dressed and even sometimes mistake them to being snob and have tendencies to be jerks. I highly contradict that.
I've never been close to a lot of guys before but I know how to judge character. And for the short time that I have been with these people, I know that they're the most genuine and loyal people I have ever known. Maybe that's why I grew close to them in just a short period of time. I'm glad that I came to this place and met these amazing people.
I was brought out of my reverie when I felt two arms hugging my waist form behind and I instantly melted.
"Hey, here's your water." Edward said as he handed me a bottle of water. I took it and faced him. I can't stand not being able to see his eyes.
"Thanks babe." I walked out of his arms and onto the couch. I kicked of my shoes and put my feet on the couch. He soon followed.
He faced me and smiled, reassuring me that he's fine with whatever it is I want to do.
We looked at each other for a long moment but I can't take the distance any more. I leaned in and placed my lips in his. The kiss was gentle and sweet and hot at the same time. No matter how many times I kiss him, it can't seem to be any less than the feeling it had before. The fire is still there, the burn to inch closer and feel him is getting more and more potent.
He sensed my impatience and scooted closer while our lips are still in sync. He put his hands at the back of my neck while I placed mine on his muscular chest. The kiss is getting heavier and heated but I couldn't find it in me to stop. When I fisted his hair he groaned the sexiest sound I have ever heard and angled his face to the side to deepen the kiss. He was being a gentleman by trying to pry his tongue sweetly and gently inside my mouth. But I couldn't take it anymore. I opened my mouth and tasted him. I sighed at the taste of him. So warm and wet and sweet.
We were getting impatient and hot as our tongues fought for dominance. I know he is letting me lead the way by not taking it any further. I think I can help him with that. So I slowly straddled his waist while not breaking the kiss. When we both needed air, he went straight to my neck down to my exposed collarbone. We placed hot, wet and sloppy kisses up and down while my head rolled back from the intensity of his touch. I didn't know how long we were doing this. The only thing I knew is the pleasure and the heat coming off from our bodies while we slowly explore every inch of it. I massaged his hair and the back of his neck while he held my waist as close as possible not letting any distance to form between us. He moved his other hand from my neck while slowly inching its way to the small of my back making me even hotter.
Of course, since I was on his lap, I can clearly feel how excited he is becoming and I didn't have it in me to complain. I was also getting more and more impatient as I felt the dampness between my legs and the friction it desperately needs. I scooted even closer to his lap. The moment I did that, something jolted every nerve in my body as I felt the friction of our bodies. I placed my head to the side of his neck because I couldn't take the feeling of it all; of all of him. I started grinding myself on his lap just to ease the burn that's building. He must have felt the same too because he was holding me closer now while his hips started to move in time with mine.
Our breathing was becoming more and more labored and sweat is starting to form in my forehead.
"Oh baby you don't know how good that feels." He sighed tickling my neck in the process.
All I could answer was a helpless moan form my lips. I couldn't form any coherent sentence, not while feeling this intense feeling in every cell of my body. His other hand started form lazy circles at my stomach and slowly eases its way upwards. I was aching with anticipation for him to just touch me. I arched my back to emphasize my point but he's taking it slow. I smiled at that knowing that he is still thinking of me when all I could think about was the pleasure of it all.
When he was about a tiny inch away from the place I want him to touch, rriinngg!
The phone rang but I don't think that would stop us from what we're doing.
"Ignore it" he said. I couldn't have agreed more. I nodded and focused on the man in front of me.
"This is Jasper, Emmett and Edward's place, we're not hear right now to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep and we'll try and get back to you when we can. Bye!" the answering machine chimed.
"EDWARD! Why the hell did you ditch us huh? I know you're there with Bella..!! I know you! Jasper tried to be subtle about sneaking you out but you can't fool me! Get back here right this instant. Bella, I know you can hear me stop what you're doing right this instant! Don't do anything foolish. You just got together and you're already… aahhh!! Just get back here! I don't want to visualize you two…" I was taken aback by what Alice said. I stopped and listened.
I know that we just got together but we are so in love. We are right? I mean this is what lovers do. All the doubts in my head of us being together came flooding through me and I had to stop and straighten up. I looked at the answering machine for a moment and listened some more.
I was anticipating Alice's voice when a booming laugh erupted from the background.
"Edward, Alice said stop what you're doing right this instant or else. She's a real pain in the ass isn't she? Such a cockblock… Anyways she told me to stop you guys or else she'll rip my head off. You know how she gets. But ill do it anyways. Ehem.. Jasper's dick, My naked ass. There. That would do it. Talk to you in a few. And sorry guys, I have to agree with Al on this one. Love you! Bye!"
The call ended. Edward and I looked at each other then, trying to make sense of what the hell was that about.
"She's right Babe, I'm sorry." He sighed and gently placed me on the other end of the couch. He stood up and paced in front of the couch.
His eyes were closed, forehead scrunching together like he's solving a difficult math problem. I wanted to just stand and wrap myself around him. But I couldn't. I was like a stone, like my ass was glued on the couch. Alice was right? Did he want this? I know I want this, or do I? I felt confused all of a sudden. Hurt even that he didn't want me the same way as I want him. But was I going at this the wrong way? Too fast? All of these emotions clouded my mind right this moment.
After a few moments of silence, I had enough.
"Please say something." I pleaded.
"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? Screw Alice and just proceed then? I feel like a huge dick right now for taking advantage of the moment. Of taking advantage of you. I'm sorry I fucked this up." His eyes were still closed now and I hated it.
"What are you talking about? You didn't take advantage of me. I want this too. It takes two to tango you know and with the way I acted earlier it didn't seem that you were the only one who's in to it so please stop being ridiculous."
His eyes snapped open and I saw every bit of emotion behind it. Anger, sadness, regret, hurt, love and care. All these just came flooding through me and I knew. He's just as confused as I was.
"But she's right. At least to the physical stuff that is. I love you and I adore every part of you. But I can't help but feel like I'm taking away something from you right this moment. Like I'm turning you into this person that I once was, or maybe I still am. Compulsive and careless. But the last thing I want to do is be careless with you. You're too precious to be treated like that. I'm sorry I'm giving you a confusing statement right now with the way I acted earlier but Alice made me think this trough. I want you, more than you'll ever know and I want to treat you the way you should be treated. Not as a horn dog ready to jump when opportunity flares in. I got carried away and I'm sorry. Please don't hate me for this." By the time he stopped he was sitting beside me at the couch, his elbows on his knees and rubbing his fore head with his palms.
I wasn't thinking clearly now. I just want to shut my mind for the night.
"Please take me home. I just want to be alone right now." I sighed.
"Okay." He didn't object and in minutes we were at the door of my room. The ride home was a blur. My mind went blank after what he said. It's a lot to take in plus I just need to think things myself.
We stood there for a few moments while he held my hand.
"I'll see tomorrow?" he asked, not sure of what my reaction would be.
"Uh," I wasn't sure what to answer. I want to go over this my way and talk to him when I am ready.
"Maybe I'll call you okay?"
"Okay." He said, defeated.
I didn't know what happened to me that night. I was so sure of myself. Of course I wanted Edward. Haven't I? Ever since I realized that I love him, I wanted him. I mean truly wanted him that he haunts my dreams and my every thought. I have never been so sure of myself. But why is it that after hearing it from another person, from Alice especially, that we're moving way too fast with our relationship, I lost it? All of a sudden I was having second thoughts about how things are going.
I have always been like this. With every decision I make, there's always a part of me wishing I would have done differently. I guess I'm fucked up like that. I have always been dancing around ideas in my head never settling for something concrete to make my mind up to. But like I said, Edward is someone I am sure of, even though it's me I am not quite sure of when ever I am with him. Now, having thought of the things I have done over the past weeks, I realized that maybe Alice is right. Maybe I am taking all of these things in the wrong pace. I was too caught up with my feelings for Edward and my lack of sexual release for quite a long time now.
Having all of that said, I am now determined to talk to Edward and set things straight with him. That I love him and am willing to take our relationship in a slower pace and take things seriously between us. I am a woman on a mission! A mission I am hopefully able to accomplish with the help of my Oh so willing Boyfriend. God I hope this works.
So here I am, a week after the incident, walking towards Edward's apartment. He contacted me the morning after that night and I blew him off. Not because I didn't want to talk to him but because I wanted to clear my head of all things about us. I wanted a clean slate to think through the things about us. I wanted nothing to impair my judgment. Cause everything about him impairs me. He called and texted me quite obsessively and I ignored them. I hope he doesn't think I'm blowing him off because of something he did. Rather of something I did.
I wanted to talk to him and let him know that we should take things slowly. I wanted to know him more and discover all the things about him. Only now that I realized how little I know of Edward despite the moments we shared even when we were just friends. Now is the time to build our relationship on a solid foundation. I don't want a repeat of what happened before. Ugh! You think you know someone until they fuck you up and run off leaving you with nothing but hopes of your shattered heaven.
I was standing in his apartment door now, rationally thinking of how to go over this talk. I knocked twice and waited for someone to answer the door. I didn't know if Emmett or Jasper was here with him.
Edward appeared on the door with nothing but his boxers on, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. When he saw me, his eyes grew instantly wide, his mouth hanging open.
He immediately hugged me to him knocking the breath out of me.
"Oh baby, I missed you so much. You don't know how it made me feel not being able to see or talk to you. I love you so much". He said, out of breath.
I had to laugh at his silliness. Though I'm not the one to complain, I missed him too. Terribly I may I add.
The feel of his naked chest on me made me think of things I shouldn't be thinking at the moment so I had to entangle myself away from him to clear my head.
"I missed you too babe, but I think we need to talk first before I get carried away". I half smiled. He motioned for me to come in and I did. The apartment was empty which was nice. I need the silence to be able to talk to him freely.
"Where are the boys?" I asked, as I sat down on the couch.
"They're out having breakfast. I wasn't up for it so I decided to stay in." he sat down next to me and hugged me to him.
"Can I do this then? It's been way too long since I held you." He pleaded
"That's fine. I missed being in your arms too you know." I confessed as I hugged him closer if that was even possible.
"But we really need to talk and to be able to get the things out of my head is for you to stay over here and me over here" I said as I scooted at the other end of the couch. I needed the distance to be able to control myself. His half naked body is not helping my self control at the moment and I have an agenda to attend to.
"O…kay?" He shrugged definitely wondering what I meant.
"Okay, so first of all I want to apologize for what happened the other week. I know I must have given you the wrong impression and took advantage of the moment, of you or whatever, its just that-…"
"You didn't give me the wrong impression and you can't take advantage of the willing Bella…" he interrupted.
"I would appreciate if you would let me finish. This is hard for me to get out so just… sshhh!" I said exasperated. I didn't mean to snap at him but my nerves are going all haywire trying to make a point here.
He just smiled apologetically and motioned with his hand for me to continue.
"Thanks. So yeah, uhm, it doesn't matter whose fault it was but I just wanted to say sorry. I've been thinking these past few days and I think we headed off to a pretty uhm, how can I put this to words??" I was mumbling now
"Uhm, its just we're moving too fast as what Alice said and I agree with her as so were you. I don't want our relationship to be based on just our physical attraction towards each other. I should know better than that. We…" I gestured between him and I. " should know better than that. Especially me who have been… well whatever, just, let's take things slow okay? I mean if that's alright with you. I know your history with girls did not require going slow and I would understand if you…" I was cut off when Edward clamped my mouth shut with his thumb and index finger.
"Babe, I get it. Stop rambling. I have been thinking a lot too and I know this. Didn't you think I would have thought of it sooner? I mean since the moment we got together I've been thinking of us, and how things would progress between us. I'm scared as shit because I'm new to this stuff. All the relationships I had are mostly based on physical attraction, sex and noting more. You…" he cupped my face with both of his hands "are special to me. You're not like any other girls I've been with and I want to take special care of you. I don't want you to think that I'm rushing things by jumping in bed with you as soon as I got the chance. And I want to apologize too for the way I acted before. It's just that you're so tempting and sexy and beautiful and argh! Everything for your own good. I just, I want to love you properly because you're special and you're everything to me. I love you… Let me love you the way you're supposed to be loved. I couldn't bare losing you just because of my raging hormones." He chuckled.
I sighed. How can we take things slower when we're feeling like this? But I guess we should at least try. We care far too much about each other to jeopardize that.
"Okay, not that that's cleared up, can you please come closer now? I've been away from you for far too long." I couldn't deny him that so I scooted closer and hugged him so tight my chest would've combusted.
"I missed you… so much. And I love you too. Thanks for understanding." I sighed. I loved the feel of his warmth on me.
"So I think we should have ground rules for this. I mean so that we'll know what our limits are. I'm not one for self control as you can observe." I grinned and it was true. My judgment gets impaired when I am otherwise distracted.
"Are you sure? I mean isn't that going to make this more difficult?" he asked
"No, I need the rules. I work better with them, I think." He nodded for me to continue.
"Okay, rule 1: No sleepovers… yet.
Rule 2: No groping each other…yet
Rule 3: No going under the tables… yet
Rule 4: Uhm… No dirty talking when with friends… yet
Rule 5: No kisses longer than 5 minutes at least not yet.
Rule 6: NO I-WANT-TO-STRIP-AND-FUCK-YOU-RIGHT-HERE-AND-NOW stares from you at any time… yet"
"Hold on! Hold on! First of all, I don't have an I-WANT-TO-STRIP-AND-FUCK-YOU-RIGHT-HERE-AND-NOW stares little missy, that's all you and what the fuck of a rule are those? I mean so yeah I get them but that just leaves us to holding hands, hugs and less than 5 minute kisses? What the hell? Why don't you just lock me up inside a chest and throw me under the Pacific Ocean while you're at it." He defended. It's amusing seeing him whine like this. So cute.
"Babe, you're over reacting." I defended
"The hell I am." He crossed his arms on his chest on full pout mode. "Why can't we just act the way we are around each other and avoid having sex? I mean that won't be too hard right?"
"Edward, I'm serious about this. We have to set limitations and these limitations will help us strengthen our relationship and eventually it will pay off. And when we do finally have sex, it will be worth the wait, I promise." I assured him, though even I am having doubts that we'll make it long time.
He huffed and stood from the couch. Pacing in front of me.
"Fine, I guess I'll be the "perfect gentleman" if you want me too, which I am! And I'll follow these sick rules of yours. Oh! And I can't promise that I'll be following rule 5 all the time. I mean I can't help it if you find my stares that appealing." He smirked, clearly showing me what I meant by "I-want-to-fuck-you-stares".
"See what I mean! You're doing it right now!" I whined, clearly he's teasing me and though I like it, it has to stop… or
"Okay you can't help it, blah-blah-blah, but just please, when you can, please try to contain it. It's hard enough not to be able to... you know... when you look at me like that. Just try to ease my misery would you please?"
"Fine, fine." I just hope this works babe. Seriously, I want this to work. You're too precious to me and I want to make this easier for you and hope you'll make it easier for me too. Oh and by the way, I'm making my rules along the way. You're not the one who has to make them. I just can't think of one at the moment." He said, smirking and sat next to me on the couch again.
We sat there for a few minutes just enjoying each other's company and warmth. It was a nice feeling being close to him like this. Just when I was about to doze off to sleep he said…
"Tell me random things about you… things you think I don't know…" he whispered.
"Well, uhm… I like my coffee hot but I don't drink it until it gets cold. Ow! And I want it extra sweet too."
"Go on…" he snuggled closer to me placing his head at the side of my neck, nuzzling.
"I hate heels…"
"I already knew that"
"Okay, uhm, I twirl a lock of my hair when I'm thinking or when I'm bored to death?"
"Pshh.. could you come up with something I don't already know? Come on woman!" he said playfully and earned a nudge from my elbow.
"Okay, you want something hard? Let's see…" I had to think of something he doesn't already know… is that even possible? I think he knows me more than I know myself sometimes.
"Listening to Miley Cyrus and a bit of the Jobros are a few of my guilty pleasures." I knew he'll laugh at this.
He was shaking with laughter tickling my neck and I giggled along with him. Yeah, you heard that right, I giggled, Bella-not-cynical-and-bitchy-anymore-Swan just giggled.
"Yeah, shut up and stop laughing if you want me to continue."
"Okay, so where was I? Oh yeah the guilty pleasures. So next, I've been in love with Devon Sawa and Orlando Bloom since I was like 15.
…I hate cooked carrots but love them raw.
…I'm not supposed to eat Parmesan cheese because it triggers my migraine and gives me terrible headache but I eat it anyways.
…I can eat pasta all day and never tire of it.
…I chew on my gums and my nails more than I can even count.
…When I eat oatmeal? I add lots of sugar and put powdered milk to settle on top of it then I eat it like that without stirring the milk in.
…I only like my eggs sunny side up and leave the egg white untouched.
…I crack my knuckles all the time though my mom told me that it would make my fingers fall off if I didn't stop. But I'd do it all the time in front of her just to piss her off. You should see her pissed, it's adorable. But anyways, now I can't get rid of the habit.
…I used to smoke cigarettes in high school because I thought it was cool and it eases my stress, but decided to quite cause I'm afraid of dying from lung cancer.
…I have this little notebook that I keep with me where I put my favorite quotes and poems on.
…I'm afraid to go in the ocean by myself because I'm scared that something will pull my foot and drag me under water. Like mermaids and stuff? Yeah, I'm scared shit of those too, but my favorite movie of all time when I was a kid was little mermaid. I used to sing with Ariel and all that stuff…"
So the whole day went on just like that, telling random facts we didn't know about each other. It was nice and funny. I haven't even told Alice and Rosalie some of them yet. Hopefully this will be a beginning of a meaningful relationship between Edward and me. The rules thing would have to be put to test. God I hope we can keep it up far enough until we're both ready to really be with each other.
a/n: I have no excuse for this oh so delayed update. Every once in a while I still get story updates and fave story updates for this and I'm truly thankful for those readers who still give a crap reading it. Hugs, hugs, hugs. So well, this is not that long and I'm struggling to write now. I'm trying to write this story with a plot line ready but I'm finding it hard to make one 'cause my mind is messed up as it is.
For those who commented about Bella's behavior before, like how she's changing her mind all the time about Edward? Well, all I can say is that that's how Bella is in this story. You see I've managed to portray Bella as identical to me as possible. I have this state of mind. I'm always changing my decisions and always conflicted about things. But most of the time I get it right. Please try to understand Bella here. I mean who would not be torn between believing you're meant to be with each other and struggling to keep your self esteem high as much as possible to deserve him when you have and EDWARD as a boyfriend right? At least that's how I think I would react. The random facts about bella listed on this chapter are mostly me...… so I guess that's something I can claim mine. Lol.
Please try to review this chapter. Because reviews are better than rule no. 6 and miley cyrus+jobros guilty pleasures… :D