Chapter 6: Realization
Disclaimer: I don't own anything :D
"Well good morning to you two…"
I was brought back to reality after hearing that rowdy voice. I know it was Emmett but I had a hard time figuring that out since I was captivated by the pair if green orbs that lay before me.
Holy shit! What happened last night? Why are Edward and I sleeping together on my bed? Why are we so close and what the hell am I doing holding his hand?
As if someone splashed a bucket of ice cold water over my face, I quickly jumped out of bed, releasing my hand from Edward's grip. He too was a bit shocked but somehow he still held my hand. What does this mean? Did he intentionally hold my hand while we were sleeping?
After jumping out of bed, I nearly fell to the carpet when a pair of brawny arms held me in place.
"Slow down there little missy, its alright…" Emmett chuckled as he placed me back on my feet.
"What h-happened?... uhmp.. I need to go to the bathroom." I stuttered and went to lock myself inside the bathroom, keeping my head down to avoid the accusing stares of the people around us..
Luckily I was able to find the bathroom without tripping and violently shut the door and locked it.
What does this mean? Oh God this is so embarrassing! Why was I holding Edward's hand? What the fuck! How am I supposed to explain myself out there?
I contemplated to myself, closing my eyes and slumping to the tiled floor. I didn't know what to do and how to let myself out of this room. If I could, I would just lock myself here for days and not face them.. especially Edward…
What would he think of me now? My plan was to avoid him remember? But shit! Every time I get near him it's as if I don't know anything anymore. As if I don't have this whole in my heart. It's as if he was the only one who can put it back together. I feel things I should not be feeling, think things that I should not be thinking and do things I should not be doing!!
This thing with Edward is so emotionally and physically frustrating... its draining my mind and we haven't even started school yet!
What am I supposed to do?
Ever since the moment I saw him, I was already drawn to him… even though I am a mess, it's as if he can fix me, put me back together again.
But when I found out that he is nothing like he seems to be, I had to take a step back, get away from him if I have to, though my heart was telling me otherwise. I hated guys like him, guys who lie to women, trick them just to get what they want. That's what Edward is right? That's what I saw the other day.
But why was he so different yesterday at the park? Why was he kind and polite? It's as if I'm seeing the Edward I first saw, gentle, sweet and caring… I'm really confused.
Was it all an act? Was he just trying to be nice to me? Why would he do that? What would he get out of me if he did?
Oh my God, I think I'm going nuts!!, my mind is aching from all this thinking and my heart can't stop its rapid beating. I'm trying so hard to hold back the angry tear that's threatening to spill. But I won't cry, not today, I'm so sick and tired of it already…
So what am I suppose to say out there?
"Bella? What are you doing in there? Come on, we're going to have breakfast back at the boy's" I jumped from my seat when I heard Alice knocking on the bathroom door.
"uhmp,, go ahead I'm not hungry…" I don't want to go… especially at their place, not now…
"What? No! You're coming whether you like it or not… We'll wait for you!" She insisted
ggrr!! That little pixie! She just doesn't take no for an answer. I guess I have nothing left to do… I have to face this… I don't want to be a coward..
"FINE! Go ahead, ill be there in a bit just leave the address over at my bed!" I yelled at her, trying to convey how opposed I am to this.
"Yey! Okay ill see you soon! And don't get yourself in trouble in there! Hurry up…"
I thought she was already left when I heard her whisper trough the door
"Uhmp… Seriously Bella, I hope your fine back there, I just want you to have a good time so you'll forget what ever it is your dealing with, I don't mean to be such a push over, ill see you in a bit."
I didn't know what to say to that… Alice really cares about me?? Why??
After ten more minutes, I decided to stand up and leave the room. There's no point in prolonging it, they're expecting me to be there.
But what will I do? What will I say if they asked?
I opened the bathroom door slowly, still thinking. I was about to walk over to my closet when I was taken aback by what I saw.
Edward was still sitting on my bed, his head on his hand. I immediately stopped at the sight of him. I truly wasn't expecting him there, especially when everyone has already left.
His head snapped when he noticed me.
"Hey there, are you okay?" he said, concern in his eyes
"Ah… yeah I guess. What are you still doing here?" I furrowed my eyebrows. Why does he have to be near all the time? I'm having a very hard time as it is, does he have to drown me more from my misery?
"I wanted to talk to you.. and uh… you haven't been to our place yet so I decided to give you a ride" he said half smiling.
"Talk to me? What do you want to talk about?" here it goes
He quickly roved his hand through his already messy hair twice before standing up and looking at me.
"About this morning, I didn't mean to scare you like that. It's just that…" he started pacing now
"…It's just that, you were so restless in your sleep last night and its not that I had trouble sleeping with you like that… I guess I just wanted you to sleep soundly… and the only thing I could do was to hold your hand and…"
"…well, I initially wanted to put my arm around you and hold you close, I thought you were cold… but uhh, I don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage of you.. So I just held your hand… when I did that, you seemed to stop moving and well… I just held your hand tighter… so that's why you saw us like that this morning… and Emmett, well he was being Emmett, no need to feel embarrassed…" he let the sentence hanging
"I was restless?" I cut him off...
"Well, yeah, for a few minutes after you slept"
"Ow…" was all I was able to say.. I didn't know how to react to everything he just said.. He wanted to hold me, but why? Maybe its something he does for his other girlfriends… but.. I wasn't his girl friend! Perhaps he just got used to it. I don't know..
"Are you okay now? I didn't mean it to..."
"I'm okay now. I was just surprised that's all. I'm sorry"
"I didn't mean to keep you awake last night"
"No, actually when I held your hand… I mean,,, I was able to sleep soundly.." Edward said, smiling
Why was he being so nice? He was supposed to be a jerk to me… I need him to be so that it would be easier for me to hate him.
"We need to get over there, I don't want to piss off Alice" I had to change the subject
"Right, that, so are you ready now?"
"Give me a minute, you could wait for me at the parking lot" I said, going over my closet
"Okay, I'll wait for you down stairs"
With that, he went out the door and I was left to myself.
After he was gone, I immediately brushed my teeth and put on new clothes trying to take my mind off somewhere else.
What is it with Edward? It seems like he's a different person when it's just the two of us and another person when we're around others… what is he trying to say? Does he like me? Or was he just being friendly?
God, I'm having a really hard time with this…
I went quickly to the parking lot, seeing him there standing next to his car.
"You ready to go now?"
The car ride to his apartment was awkwardly quiet. I tried my very best to keep my eyes on the window, trying not to cheat a glance at him.
I thought of the things that have happened in the last couple of days… I liked him... So much... Ever since I saw him... But when I saw a side of him, as side that I truly disgusted… I hated it. It reminded me of Robert and what he did to me.
He broke my heart and up to this very moment, I'm trying to piece myself together. I didn't want to compare him to Robert, but I had no choice. They are alike… they both make my heart do things I had no control over, and both of them seem to act the same way….
Edward seemed to have this effect on me I can't quite decipher. I have never felt like this confused before. I hate him but I can't seem to find it in me to truly push him away. It's not just the way he looks, but the way he makes me feel when he looks at me, when he touches me.
With Robert is a different thing… I loved him alright, truly did, but only now that I realize that he did not truly loved me back the way I did to him. When we first met, I didn't have the same reaction unlike my feeling towards Edward. Edward's effect on me was more powerful… more captivating… Robert slowly, but carefully made it to my heart, with his words and his charm…
My mind is going berserk! I need my distraction…
After a few moments of sweet torture, we arrived at their apartment. The boys managed to get their own apartment just a few blocks from the campus. They did not want to live inside the campus for "Social Purposes" as how Emmett puts it. Plus, they wanted to have separate bedrooms, unlike what the campus offers.
We went inside the building and into the elevator. The silence between us is maddening. I was silently praying for him to start up conversation to ease up the discomfort building as thick as the walls between us.
As if my prayer was answered…
"So, classes are about to start in a week…" He said, pushing his knuckles inside his pockets.
"So what classes are you taking?"
"I have only 7 classes, at least 2 a day… You know the usual minor courses, Algebra, Theology, Biology…" I took a peek at him while saying this, so as not to look as stiff as I am now.
"That's good… I have the same… but I have other extra classes"
The elevator door opened and he let me pass. The door to their apartment was not too far from it. It looks ancient, but I guess it's just the style and a single number 19 hung at the center of it. He then turned the knob and signaled for me to come in.
The apartment was huge of course, something I have anticipated even before I steeped inside. There was the living at the left which had a large flat screen TV hanging on the wall facing a large black couch and a La-Z-boy next to it. Wonder to whom that was??? Oh yeah,, Emmett
Under the enormous TV was a cabinet, probably bigger than my closet. The cabinet was slightly open revealing a massive stack of what looked like DVDs, or probably music CDs? I'm not quite sure. What really caught my eye was the two other cabinets screwed to the wall where what seemed like all the possible video games were placed, along with their DVD players. I was very impressed and awed.
Across the living room was the kitchen. It was simple, big and neat???
The gang was there, enjoying their breakfast while chatting amongst themselves.
Edward walked pass me headed to what I assume was his room. There were three doors inside, two were inline with the living room while the other was at the far end besides the kitchen. Edward's room was at the far end.
"I'll just go change, you can help yourself in the kitchen, they're already there." He said as he walked towards his room.
I dreaded this part. I wanted to sprint out of the apartment and back to our room, but I know that would be inappropriate. Well, here it goes…
"What took you so long?" Alice immediately screamed as soon as I stepped inside the kitchen
"Uhmp," I didn't know what to say… it took us so long cause I wallowed inside the bathroom… you know the usual…
"Don't worry about it Bella, here have some breakfast, what would you like?" thankfully, Jasper saved me from wrath that is to come from Alice. He put an arm around her shoulder, probably keeping her from going at me… I laughed inside realizing how adorable both of them looked. It's as if they're total opposites, Jasper calming the ever so hyper Alice.
"Thanks, Jasper." I smiled thanks to him, letting him know that I appreciate him letting me off the hook from the wrath that is Alice, for now.
"I'm heading off, I'll see you guys there in a bit!" I wanted to get over to the girl's first for two reasons. One, so that I could go to the park and wander there a bit. I liked it there, peaceful, quite, a perfect spot to just think and forget everything, before we get to spend time with the girls.
Then there's the other reason. Bella. When I first saw her, I was immediately blown away by her beauty. She was far different from any other girls I've seen. Her beauty was far from all of them, simple, yet captivating. She's different in a way that you want to know more… like you're left to be drawn by her anonymity… I was drawn, that's for sure.
Especially when I first talked to her. Her voice was like a melody, screaming for my attention, like I could not look away, even if I wanted to. When we first talked, I forgot who I was really, a jerk, a self absorbed moron who gets away with anything, gets anyone. That few moments that we shared the first time, its as if I'm not the man I was, but a different one. One that is willing to change, to forget who I was and just let go, and feel things I've never felt before.
But of course I had to put a stop to it. When Lauren came by that night, I was worried sick of what she would think of me. Would she think less of me? Of course she will. But I didn't have a choice. I have a reputation to protect. Edward Cullen, the player as some might refer me too. Yes, I fool around with girls, never wanting to have a deep and committed relationship, that's what they want right? I mean, that's what my parents wanted, to have their own lives back, nothing tying them together. I bet if they didn't have me, it would be easier for them to divorce, of course not having someone to support, to take care of.
They created me so.. they have no choice. Its not like I don't get anything good out of their separation. Life has been better since then. I get to have anything I want, get away with anything I do. It's a great life actually, having two presents for my Birthday, spending two Christmases, having two homes… what could I ask for? Im perfectly happy. Or am i?
Since then I do things my way, not considering anyone's feelings but my own. Girls fall for me, line up for me. But not even once have I ever let myself commit. All my relationships were if not driven by lust, was driven by an obligation, a reputation. I've dated shallow, oversensitive, needy girls who don't look pass the façade. They all seem the same to me.
Bella… she is by far the most ordinary, yet somehow very different person. One look and I knew it. She was different. At first I thought her as a challenge, a game I couldn't lose. I wanted to pursue her for nothing gets pass me. Im freaking Edward Cullen for crying out loud!
But the day at the park totally changed me
What is she doing here?
I guess this game would be as easy as pie…
There she was, Bella, her head drawn back on the bench, her feet spread wide across the grass, her lips slightly parted. Is she asleep?
I decided to walk towards her, keeping my feet up so as not to let her know I'm here. God, this girl is amazing… her face seems to strike me and its only been the third time we've seen each other… I stifled a giggle at her amazing form.
"What are you doing here?"
"I should s-say the same to you" there it is again, why does she keep on doing that? Was she nervous or scared of me? or perhaps happy??
"I was heading to your room, Alice called. She said tonight's movie marathon night." Its something the gang and I have gotten used to doing, atleast once a week, just to hang out and enjoy each other's company. Plus it was an excuse for my friends to show PDA in front of me... it annoys me sometimes, having friends who are happily together when I'm out "exploring" the world. It gets to me at times, knowing I don't have someone special, someone with a deep and meaningful connection with.
I never take girls to hang out with my friends. Just simple hi's and hellos would do fine, but not really hang out like they're one of us. I don't know why I did that actually, I guess I didn't want them to see the real me when I'm with my friends, or the other way around with these girls. Except for Emmett of course who probably knows me inside and out… I never complained knowing that.
"Ow.. Then why are you not up there yet?" Was she still pissed at me? I didn't quite literally figured out why she got pissed off last night
"I decided to take a walk first before going up, to think. Why are you here? Aren't you supposed t be up in your room?"
"I decided to take a walk too" Oh this is far too easy. Now I can use the charm.
Bella posted as a challenge to me ever since I saw her and I think now is the time to take that challenge. All I need to do now is to use the charm and lead my way there… was she really here to take a walk too? I doubt it, she's not even leaving! A positive sign asking me to pick it up a notch.
"Uhmp, are you done now?" I hope she's not, I want her to sta.
"ah yeah, why?
"Why do you always ask like that? Like I'm some kind of criminal or something? Don't you think that I'm just trying to keep a conversation with you?"
"Why would you want that?" This girl is unbelievable
"You're doing it again" Definitely different. What's with this girl? Other would have fallen for that already. Heck with that we might have been walking back to her dorm already. What's her deal?
"I have to go, Alice is waiting" What the? Now I'm a little annoyed. If I am going to pursue this girl, I have to do something. As if out of instinct, I grabbed her arm, stopping her from walking away. There it is again, that sensation.
I turned her to face me and let out a small sigh. Those brown eyes again. Looking at those orbs once more would have made me forget my plan and just let go. Her eyes were the most expressive, yet the most intricate eyes I have ever seen. I want to know her, talk to her.
"Why don't we seat here for a while? The boys are not yet here anyways… lets talk" Yeah, talk, about what???
"About what?" There was uncertainty in her voice. A mixture of want and defiance.
"Uhmp, I don't know, anything. Tell me more about you and ill tell you more about me. I think since we will be seeing each other a lot here in college, we better get started knowing each other. What do you think?" perfect time to use my charm. I smirked at her while looking deep in her eyes, that should give her something to think about.
"O-okay?" it worked! She let go and sat on the bench once more. I sat next to her while thinking of things we should be talking about. Start with something light, I thought, just to keep the conversation flowing. I sat as close to her as I can, but not too close, so that she might not think I was taking advantage of her. That's the last thing I want her to think right now.
Then we started talking about random things. The more we talked the more interesting she seemed to me. she answered every question I have and if I wasn't to guarded right this moment, I would assume that she's interested on me as well. Something I've never experienced with other girls. Most girls I've been with were only up for small shallow talks which eventually led to making out or sex. They were far to eager to get to the physical stuff. I got used to it, of course. I mean who would want to refuse a hot girl practically throwing herself at me? come on!
I tried my very best to keep my answers light, teasing most of the time.
As we talked, she started to loosen up a bit. Not the same as before, less defensive and more interested. We talked about her, her favorite things. I even told her about my band and surprisingly enough, she began to become more fascinated, engrossed even. She was nice after all.
She likes to read and write… ah, a creative soul. Definitely different. I like her. Truly like her now. For a brief moment there I forgot what I wanted before. She is definitely not someone to be played…
"I can help you with that if you want to. I mean you can write the lyrics while I write the melody" I meant that, wanting to spend more time with her.
She wanted an inspiration to write…
"Well let me know, I'd like to work with you" As if I didn't have control over my actions, I reached out and placed my hand in hers. Just like the first time, her hands were soft, warm but what's different this moment was that she didn't jerk away. Victory…
Bella was definitely not worthy of someone like me, a player. She deserves better, no not better but best. I immediately took a step back in my mind and think of what I previously planned to do. Do I really want to play with her? Do I still want to continue this game when I already know she's far from others? For a brief moment, I got sick to my stomach knowing that I wanted to harm this girl, trick her into this game that I know would eventually hurt her.
I looked deep into her eyes, seeing hurt, pain, yet there was honesty, sincerity in them. I leaned forward, wanting to touch my lips to hers, anything that would ease the tension in my heart for the longing to know her more. Maybe this connection would give me some answers.
She did not move, so I leaned in closer. Just when we're inches apart, she did what I didn't expect.
"Uh, yah, like you're serious. Why would you want to write with me? my lyrics would probably be lame.." its as if someone slapped me hard on the face. Where was the Bella I was talking to awhile ago? The carefree genuine girl who, for once I thought was interested on me? where did she go?
She freed herself from my touch and looked the opposite way. I shook my head down, quite disappointed. I know she's hiding something. She's been doing this to me since yesterday. Why did she always have to push me away? I know this is what she's doing. Why? Is it because of what she saw? I couldn't complain about that. But why wont she give me a chance to let her realize that I am different too? I can be different. I wan to be…
She stood and started to walk away. This made me feel more pained.
"Aren't you coming? Alice would draw a fit if we miss her "movie marathon thingy…" she refused to meet my eyes. I wanted to shake her head then, wanted to snap her to realization of what she's doing. Its very obvious that she's avoiding me. but why?
"Right" that was all I managed to say.
We walked back to her room, silence… every dragging step was like a chant mocking me… "you cant have her… you cant have her" But I want to!
We reached her room and she still hasn't talked to me. what did I do? Everything after that came to me as a blur. I was occupied with the thought of her, painful yet exhilarating.
Then it was time for the movies. For the past years I have gotten to this "ritual". Jasper cuddled with Alice while Emmett and Rosalie does god knows what while I sit alone, as far away from them as possible. But tonight is different.
Once the two couples were seated, Bella and I were left standing awkwardly. I wanted to do the same, sit close to her with my arms on her perfect body. But I know I couldn't do that, not now at least. I had no choice but to sit on her bed, since there was nowhere place left for me to settle. This means I had to sit next to her… Yes..
I stared at her bed, she, doing the same. What now? Would she want to sit with me?
"Uh… I cold sit on the floor…" I said shyly. I didn't want to impose something on her, not now that I know she's not comfortable getting close with me.
"Don't be silly, you can sit on my bed" there it is again… mixed signals…
I sat on her bed then, uncomfortably so, I might add. I didn't know what to do, which was a first time.
We stayed kike that for a moment, stiff as a board. Bella was doing the same as a cheated a glance from the corner of my eyes.
A few more minutes passed and she started to move. She now lay on her stomach, her chin resting on a pillow. She seemed comfortable now, thank God. What would I do now? Should I lie next to her? I stared at my lap, thinking of what to do.
"You can lie down too if you want too. I don't mind" that's what I needed to hear. I didn't waste anytime and laid next to her. Now im definitely comfortable too.
I watched her form the corner of my eye, not brave enough to fully look at her. The small light from the television only made her eyes more beautiful, as if that was even possible. Her eyes started to give in, slowly drooping. Though I wanted to sleep too,, I fought it.
Moments passed and her breathing became more even, she's asleep now. I looked at the people around us and noticed them asleep too.
Bella and I were still lying on our stomachs. This is the moment I've been longing, to getclose to her and feel her. But I must not. I fought the urge to reach up to her and wrap my arms around her. I don't want to scare her. Then she started to shift. My breath got caught. Did I wake her? No… she moved her head and was now on her side, facing me. her hair covering her face, her beautiful face. I couldn't take it anymore, I need to see that god-like face. I hesitated for a moment but finally gave in.
I carefully pulled the hair that was covering her face, lingering there for a bit, wanting to feel her soft face. I tucked the strands of her brown locks to her ear. I smiled at her. She was frowning, her eyebrows burrowed. She seemed uneasy, something must be bothering her. She shifted again. But now I didn't mind. I know she was fast asleep, thought the thought that something is bothering her in her sleep made me uneasy too.
For the past couple of minutes, she moved and moved. She was definitely perturbed. I had to so something.
I couldn't take it anymore. I took her exposed hand, the one placed between us and held it. The sensation when I touch her never gets old. Its as if I'm touching her for the first time again. The sensation was frightening but somehow comforting. Its as if I'm the one needed consoling. When I took her hand in mine, she seemed to calm down. Her face became lighter, more peaceful. I too was feeling the same.
Touching her sent me a feeling of relief. As if I was in pain for a long time and her touch was the only cure. I traced patterns of circles with my thumb and that calmed her down more. Her breathing more even, her face gentle and playing with a peaceful smile.
I couldn't look away. I was afraid that if I let go, I would feel the whole again. I stared at her all night, not letting my hand far from hers. I didn't sleep, I just laid there, staring at her. I didn't need to sleep knowing she was resting serenely beside me.
What is this feeling? Its relatively new to me. I'm scared to death, feeling like I have no choice, like I have to be close to her. Her every move only draws me closer to her, that I would be in pain if I leave. Leaving… not an option now.
I didn't care if the others would see us like this. I couldn't care less…
The morning light crept inside the room. Not blinding.. no… more like inviting. The sun seemed asking for permission to enter, gladly creeping inside the poorly lit room.
Just like the rise of the sun, it dawned on me…
The realization I've been waiting for…
I like her, I like her far too much I'm not sure if its even possible or allowed even. I like her… I like her.. I like her…
The words kept on repeating inside my head like it's meant for me to wake up. The emotions that welled up on me were overwhelming, drowning me. for a long moment I stayed there, submerged from the sea of feelings I know I should not be feeling yet I wanted to. When I resurfaced, I was a different man.
This game that I initially planned seemed ridiculous to me now. Like I would do anything to hurt her? NO! I couldn't. she deserves better than that. I like her.. painfully so…
I know that the others were waking up now, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I didn't even dared to look at them though I know they were on to us now.
She opened her eyes now. She was still probably groggy because she didn't even notice the others, or even our intertwined hands. I couldn't complain. For a brief second, we stared at each other, basking in that robbed moment, knowing eventually she would snap out of it. I squeezed her hand lightly to let her know its real, that she's not dreaming.
When I did that, I immediately regretted it. She quickly let go of my hand and stood up. She went to the bathroom and locked herself there.
It pained me, her body not next to me now.
"What the hell was that Edward?" Alice said, snapping me out of my reverie.
"What the hell is what Al?" I annoyingly answered.
"Don't Edward, she's not like any others!"
"I know…" I smiled to myself. She is definitely now like any others.
"Then what the fuck? You would just end up hurting her, she's already going through a lot now Edward, please don't play with her." She hissed, trying to keep her voice down.
"I wont hurt her Alice," my voice more like a whisper, I tried to sound ad convincing as possible, more like to myself.
"Wait, what do you mean she's already hurting??" what did she mean? Bella was hurt? From what? By whom?
"Just don't mess with her Edward, she's special." She smiled half heartedly, a genuine smile playing on her lips.
"What do you mean Alice?? Rose??" I needed answers. Who hurt my Bella?
"I don't know if I should be saying this to you now Edward, cause she haven't even said anything to us.. not yet.." Rosalie walked over to me so as to keep her voice down, not intending for Bella to hear.
"What is it Rose!" I tried my very best to level my voice but the suspense is killing me
"We found her last night in the bathroom, crying. Well its more than crying. Its too painful to see. She cried the whole night and she didn't tell us why" Rosalie was obviously hurting as well, with the sound of her voice.
"We were woken up by a loud whimper inside the bathroom so we decided to check it out. When we entered the bathroom, we saw Bella on the floor. She was crying her heart out Edward! I even got scared seeing her like that. Her breathing wasn't even and…" Alice continued…
"Well, he held her all night. she didn't stop crying until she fell asleep." Rosalie went on
"Just don't Edward… what ever it is your planning, just don't. she doesn't need this right now" Alice pleaded, her eyes pouring with concern.
I stopped for a minute trying to picture Bella that night. I never heard her cry but the sound my mind was imagining sent chills down my spine. That's the sound I never, ever would want to hear. It would hurt me… I shook the image out of my head, as if it was an electric current sending volts of excruciating pain in my head.
"Alice…" I sat on the bed now "its different this time… she's different"
"Oh Edward.." She sat next to me and wrapped her arm around me. all I was able to do was look down. This realization scared me and excited me at the same time. All eyes were on me now. Even Emmett who was a walking joke machine managed to stay quiet at this moment. I looked up to see their faces, all with an understanding look on me.
"Man, this is awesome!!" Emmett… I smiled at him.. this is awesome…
"Edward, just be careful. You know now how vulnerable she is, just don't play with her. She seems special." Jasper patted my shoulder, though he looked concerned, its as if he was giving me a thumbs up…
Alice went to tell Bella and let her know that we will be having breakfast over at our place…
"I think I'll stay with her. I need to talk to her."
"Okay… take her with you okay? Don't let her stay here.. she needs to get out" Alice said as she started getting ready to head out
"Okay man, go easy on her okay? Go get her you dazzling debonair!" Emmett grinned as he playfully punched my arm. With that, they stormed out of the room.
Now, I have to face her.. what would I say?
When she came out, she was taken by surprise realizing I stayed behind. I decided not to talk to her about my feelings, at least not yet. I need to get close to her first, gain her trust before I let it out in the open.
So I settled for letting her now what happened last night so that she may not think that I was taking advantage of her. The talk was brief, calm. Then we were headed of to my place.
The ride home was silent. Though I wanted to say something, I stopped myself. I want her to think.. think of the things that happened last night. I don't want to bombard her with my realization. It would just confuse her…
When we arrived home, I asked her to go meet the guys while I changed for the day. Also it was an excuse to compose myself. To think.
I asked her to help herself with some breakfast as I went inside my room. As soon as the door slammed shut behind me, I slumped myself on the bed, exhausted. I haven't gotten any sleep, not that I'm complaining. I was exhausted, not from lack of sleep, but emotionally exhausted, frustrated. I've never felt anything like this before and it scares me. Scared of this new feeling, scared for Bella. I couldn't look away now, I wont let myself away from her.. Not now. I'm sacred for her for I'm not certain of what to do. I want her that's for sure. But she is far too perfect… I'm not sure if I am able to meet her expectations. One thing I know is for sure right this moment…
I want Bella…
I want her, not because I couldn't have her.. not anymore. I want her because I need her. Need her so bad it kills me knowing that she might not let me…
This realization is painful. Not knowing what would happen is like a stab in the gut. She might not return the feelings I have for her but I couldn't care less. I want to be near her, just feeling imagining her touch sent me a wave of calmness…
She might not want the same but I don't mind. It's like diving off a cliff taking a risk of not knowing what's under. Just feeling the thrill of falling is enough for me. I haven't been this selfless before, not caring what happens to me. she may not want me but I would always want her. Somehow having her is not a game anymore… but a need.
I just need to be with her, be there for her even if all she wants is friendship, I would be her friend, but always waiting for her to take the chance with me. I want to take care of her, be there for her… love her…
This feeling is so new to me… she's the only one who has ever let me feel this way.
I changed my clothes and slowly went out side, longing to see her angelic face once more..
a/n: There you go guys.. hope that clears some stuff some of you were wondering. Edward eventually realized his feelings for Bella. I had fun writing Edward's POV in this chapter..
Reviews please… sorry for the delay by the way… cheers!!