Bella Swan was your average woman working for a publishing company. She was certain that she was destined to be alone for eternity, much to her mother's dismay. However, two very different yet very similar men happen to walk into her life and change everything.

Hilarity and sex ensue. Loosely based on the movie, "Bridget Jones's Diary".

An awesome collaboration between XShear (Seducing Edward, Unknown & Smut Series) and kARLITALUNA aka kARLOTITA09 (Forever is Where We Meet).


ATOTE; Chapter One

Chapter One; Absolute Vodka

You see, today was what I would call the most dreadful day of all dreadful days. The weather was cold, wet and rainy which essentially meant two things. One, I would most likely trip walking on the sidewalk. Two, my straight hair wouldn't last more than ten minutes outside. Actually, these were the least of my problems, they were an easy fix with the right shoes and a rubber band.

The reason for the dreadfulness however, had nothing to do with the stupid New York weather. I had to deal with two major problems. Problem one - our new boss, a young new Oxford grad (probably rich, good looking and a certified bastard), was making his first appearance tomorrow and he was asking for summary reports – 20 hours before his arrival.

I hate him already.

And then there was my second problem – my dearest mother. Renee was quickly becoming occupied with her ridiculous new hobby of trying to climb the socialite ladder within New York. Once a week, she insisted on holding fancy dinners (well, at least what my mother considered fancy) at her exclusive townhouse - and I unfortunately just happened to be invited to them all, and tonight was no exception.

"Bella…hello? Earth to Bella!" I heard my coworker Lauren screech. "I don't have time for your daydreams today Bella, get me those reports ASAP." I simply nodded and turned around back around in my chair, tapping my pencil on my desk.

Lauren Mallory.

Even her name I despised. She was hired around the same time as I was, yet for some reason she felt she ranked higher than me.


"You'll get them Lauren, maybe faster if you stop pestering me." I said, in my singsong voice – oh how I knew she hated that.

I heard her grunt something in return, I just shrugged and turned my attention back to my computer screen.

Could I really get out of Renee's dinner? I could tell her I'm swamped at work.

Nah, then she'll whine all week about me not being there – great, it looks like I'm stuck going.


Two hours later of unnecessary paperwork, I forwarded the reports to Lauren via e-mail, cleaned up my desk and headed out to my mother's dreaded party.

I quickly hailed a cab, throwing some bills towards him and telling him to book it to the Westside. I was already an hour late to Renee's – she had made sure to threaten me not be late this evening. Usually, I was always a bit late, due to work, however she had insisted that I arrive properly on time this particular evening. When I had questioned her about it, she tried to act nonchalant, but I knew better - Renee was up to something.

Knowing her, she was probably trying to set me up with one of her friend's sons (as she has done on numerous occasions) again. I tried no to be too irritated with her, but it was still disconcerting to me that at twenty-nine my mother wanted nothing more than to see me married with children.

I shuddered at the thought.

Eww, children.

When the cab finally stopped in front of my mother's classic New York townhouse, I hoped quickly out of the cab and ran up the stairs – praying to the Gods that my dad would answer instead of my mother. I softly knocked.

"Dear God Isabella, you're late!" Renee screeched as she flew open the door.

So much for my luck.

I took a quick glance at my dear mother. She looked somewhat comical with her black cocktail dress covered by an apron that modeled five different types of flowers, in five different colors.

"I'm sorry Mom, I got stuck at work." I said stepping in, shrugging my coat off.

"And what is that you're wearing?" Renee asked looking at me with a look of disgust.

I looked down noting nothing amiss. I was wearing the same outfit I had worn to work, some black slacks, and a simple blue blouse; my hair was tied up in a simple ponytail- courtesy of the rain. I had debated whether or not to wear heels but I decided against it, not really being in the mood to fall on my face today - so black flats it was. I saw nothing wrong, but Renee's appalled expression told me I had not succeeded in my choice of clothing attire.

"They're just my work clothes, mom."

You would think I was wearing a potato sack from her expression.

"And, this Bella is a dinner party! You don't wear work clothes to a dinner party! And your hair, oh Bella!" she cried stepping closer and moving her hands towards my hair.

"Mom! Cut it out!" I cried swatting her hands away, stepping as far away as possible in the small spaced foyer.

Renee pursed her lips; I could tell she was getting angry at me. "Well it doesn't matter anyways, there's someone here I want you to meet!" She said a little to enthusiastically.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Here it comes.

"Really?" I asked trying to sound somewhat enthused.

"Yes!" She exclaimed. She was becoming like a giddy schoolgirl.


"His name is Edward, he's Esme's son and he's just wonderful Bella! Just the type of man you need!"

Just the type of man I need? Really? I only had one man I needed and I kept him tucked safely in my nightstand drawer next to my bed.

"Oh come on Bella, he's mature and centered – A true gentleman, really." My mother quickly added, noting my disapproving facial expressions.

Mature and centered? Wasn't that code for a middle-age balding bore, who had money and ambitions to start a family?

No thanks – I'll pass.

Or, he's probably one of those computer geeks that wears huge thick glasses and pocket protectors! Oh dear God, mom was trying to set me up with someone who looked like an extra from Revenge of the Nerds!

She wouldn't dare!

You're overreacting. Mom, would never do that to you… the last one wasn't so bad was he?

Do you really me want to answer that question?


I didn't even want to remember Mike Newton, the last dweeb my mother had tried to set me up with last Easter. Of course, I was at another one of her famous God-forsaken dinners when mom insisted that we must meet. Most of the evening he ending up following me around like a lost puppy and when I tried desperately to lose him, Renee had made it nearly impossible by shoving me against him any chance she got.

"He's good for you, Bella! Give it a chance!" She would whisper.

Eventually, he and Renee ended up bullying me into accepting a ride home from him. When we had arrived at my apartment complex, he insisted on walking me to the front step at which point he proceeded to attack me with his sloppy disgusting tongue.

I shuddered at the memory.

Fucking disgusting.

Three months later, he was still trying to apologize, calling asking if I would like to meet up.

Let's just say… I'd rather die single and lonely than have my mother arrange my love life.

Forcing my mind back to the task at hand, I reorganized my features the best I could.

"That's great mom, really." I said with a fake enthusiasm. "But I want to see dad first, where is he?" I said, peeking my head towards the kitchen. My mother huffed, grabbed me by the shoulders and led me to the living room.

"Now Isabella, your father is in the living room along with our guests." She sounded overly sweet – a poisonous tone for her and I knew the best thing was to follow along her little charade.

"Yes, yes fine." I huffed. I wasn't going to win and I was going to have to go on this setup play date.

When we reached the doorway, Renee practically shoved me into the room causing me to trip on her European rug. A few people glanced, but no one important seemed to take notice. After making sure my feet were securely planted on the floor I finally looked up at my mother's introduction.

"Oh Esme, my daughter Bella is finally here!" She called out to a pretty woman, who smiled warmly at me. I smiled back this time - willingly.

There was something about her kind face that made me not care about the fact that she looked like one of those high society ladies my mother wanted to resemble so badly. I had come often to hate my mother's friends; they made her care about the most ridiculous things.

"Please excuse her attire; she just got off of work. She works in marketing at a publisher's house, downtown." Renee said slightly apologetic.

I blushed feverishly at her words; it was one thing for her to chastise me in private, but it was a completely different thing for her to do it in front of company.

So much for supportive parents.

"Renee, don't be ridiculous!" A man's scruffy voice said behind me.

"Dad!" I practically shouted forgetting my manners as I turned around and hugged him. I wasn't one to play favorites, but dad was always more fun than mom had ever been.

"Looking good kid!" My dad emphasized looking pointedly to Renee who responded with shrug.

Esme chuckled nervously; probably embarrassed to be caught in between a family squabble. I quickly remembered my manners.

"I'm sorry." I said turning back to face her and extending my hand. "I'm Bella, it's wonderful to meet you Mrs …?"

"Cullen, but please call me Esme." She shook my hand softly. "Renee has told me so much about you, though I have to say you're much lovelier in person."

I felt my face blush even more. I was about to thank her when Renee had cut me off.

"Oh Esme, thank you! No wonder where Edward got his excellent manners." She said eyeing me accusingly. "Bella you remember I told you about Edward? He is such a nice young man…"

As my mother continued to list all the apparent qualities of this Edward character I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Really, the way Renee was going on about him you would expect him to sparkle or something.

I eyed my dad silently. He raised his eyebrows, smiling slightly at me – he must feel my pain. Esme had caught our little exchange and looked slightly amused, but didn't miss a beat of my mother's semi one-sided conversation.

I looked around the room recognizing most of the socialite ladies Renee always gushed about, most of them hanging from their husband's arms like trophies.


I also noticed that most of the guests were around my parent's age - damn it, this really is a play date, isn't it?

I started to contemplate my escape plan. The most complex plan involved my father's complicity, supreme acting skills and a fake emergency trip to the hospital after I fainted on the dining room table. I knew that option one was too complicated; after all I wasn't the world's best actress. So I opted for escape plan number two: I would text Alice as soon as I was out of my mother's sight begging her to call me in an hour and feign an emergency on her behalf. Yep, plan two it was.

I glanced longingly towards the doorway, when I noticed him. Long and lean with his bronze hair slightly tousled, perfectly framing his chiseled face, and his bright, hazel eyes staring off into space.

Oh dear fucking God. He's gorgeous. Gorgeous? Seriously Bella get a fucking grip. I was doomed to be destined with someone who was just slightly average looking, if not a little lower than that and someone who wasn't even semi-interesting. That was just what I have come to accept, an average man for the average Bella.

This was a man however, most women dream about and just not your ordinary dream, I'm talking fantasies here. The ones where you wake up wet as hell needing to head to the shower with the sole purpose of using the detachable showerhead.

I looked around to see the scene in front of me had changed. Mother dearest was on my side, her arm wrapped gingerly around my waist. On the other side was Esme and in front of me was the man who I planned to have my way with tonight in the privacy of my room. It then hit me.

Esme cleared her throat, "Edward dear, I would like you to meet Renee's daughter, Bella." If I wasn't blushing before, now I was determined that I was a red as a tomato. My mother nudged me forward.

"Um, h…hello." I managed to stammer out. He looked down at me with absolute boredom.

"Yes, hello." He answered nonchalantly.

Great. He's completely uninterested – but what was I really expecting anyways? For him to be completely enthralled, sweep me off my feet and carry me into the sunset?

Get a grip.

I cleared my throat subtly, "So uh, Edward is it?" Keep it simple Bella, don't make a fool of yourself. "I hear that you're a lawyer." He glanced over the top of my head, seemingly ignoring my question.

"Oh yes, I am." I shifted my glare over to my mother.

I blame you woman, you made me do this.

She returned my annoyed glared with a soft smile, placing her hand on my shoulder and preceded to shove me into Edward.

"Oopmh!" I said, bumping full frontal into him. Edward gingerly grabbed me by the shoulders and held me out at an arm's length.

Oh, what strong hands you have.

--Stop it Bella.

"Well, uh it's been nice meeting you, but I do have to go." He said, abruptly looking past me. I turned my head towards the general direction he was looking and that's when I saw her. A pretty blonde, waving her perfectly poised arm; I assumed that she was trying to get his attention.

Of course he would be with someone.

Esme looked at him with a slightly pained smile, "Of course dear, you don't want to keep Rose waiting."

Rose? Her name was Rose? Wasn't that an old woman's name?

--Well, Isabella isn't any better.


Edward nodded and let go of my shoulders.

"Try not to bump in anything else, Bella." I blushed tenfold.

Damn it.

And with that the gorgeous lawyer man with hazel eyes walked out of my lonely life. I sighed, taking a quick glance at my mother. However, I found her to be discarded from my side and huddled in a corner, taking softly to Esme.

Great. They are probably discussing how pathetic my non-existent love life was. Well, I for one wasn't going to feel sorry for myself.

I grabbed my jacket, whispered some lame excuse about having a headache to my dad and ran out the door. Throwing on my jacket I hailed a cab quickly and climbed in.

I just needed to get home and console with my favorite bottle of Vodka, and the man on my nightstand who I mentally cheated on tonight.

Vodka was…


Very Bad.

Very, very bad.

And so fucking tasty.

The eerie silence of my apartment only added to the feeling of loneliness that the Absolute was supposed to erase at least two glasses ago. Deciding I needed a happy boost, I wobbled over to my stereo setting my IPod on shuffle and letting the sounds of the recent Katy Perry hit take over my drunkenness.

After bowing to my grateful audience of stuffed animals, I tried to call Alice or Angela to see if they wanted to meet up at for a girl's night but the bitches said it was a work night and that I should lay of the Vodka if I wanted to be presentable for work tomorrow.

Fuck that – I'm having way too much fun.

An hour later and a half of a bottle Absolute Vodka gone, I was starting to doubt myself.

Stupid ass lawyer, does he really think he can snub me just because he's uber fucking dazzling?

--And sexy! Don't forget panty-soaking-sexy.

Damn it! You're not helping.


It didn't help matters that I knew I looked like I was having a seizure vertically while I tried to dance in my living room – nothing another drink can't fix. I stumbled back over to my couch pouring myself another shot.

He really wasn't that great, was he? I mean if he prefers gorgeous blonde's then good for him.

Yeah, she's probably an airhead anyways. Do you really want someone who rather be with an airhead blonde than a mature, sophisticated woman?

Hell no! Besides he was totally cold - men who are that good looking are never good in bed, fuck they don't have to be!

--Seriously you're better off alone.

Yeah… alone… totally alone.

I shot back my, was it 8th drink? Fuck it, who keeps count anyways?

--You should really go to bed, I have a meeting first thing tomorrow with the bastard of a new boss.

Just one more song and I'll go to bed. Promise.

After the two second pause my IPod decided to mock me in the cruelest way possible.

When I was young

I never needed anyone

Well fuck me then.

--Oh you know you love this song.

Of all the fucking times..

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Living alone

I think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

--Well, it is a classic.

Yeah for depressed about-to-shoot-yourself moments.

--Good thing you don't have a gun then.

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself


Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

While the piano drowned on, I momentarily forgot the use of the shot glass. I took a big swig on the bottle and prepared myself to join in the chorus that would seriously become the anthem of my life.


All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself


All by myself

Don't wanna live

All by myself


--Bella you're drunk.

What and you aren't?

--You'll wake up the neighbors.

Fuck them.

--They'll call the police.

Charlie will bail me out.

When I was young

I never needed anyone

Making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

With one last big gulp I finished the Vodka, my head swooned and I got the courage to continue my off key singing. I took a deep breath and sang my heart out.

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself


All by myself

Don't wanna live


Don't wanna live

By myself, by myself


By myself



All by myself

Don't wanna live

I never, never, never

Needed anyone


Out of breath and with my head spinning I laid back on my couch, my legs far too heavy to carry me to my bedroom. Besides the couch was comfy.

Tomorrow I was going to pay – I was sure of it.

Hope you liked it! Becca and me had a blast writing! remember to review and you'll get chapter 2 soon ;)!!