Author's Note:

Although I'm in the middle of a chapter story (How to Be a Good Feminist), once the idea popped into my head, I just had to write this.

Unlike most Dasey fans, I can't help adoring Daphne Ballon. She gave me my very first OTP, Becca Fisher and Tucker James, and I'll love her forever for the way she ended Flash Forward (best. show. ever.). And then she (perhaps inadvertently) created my current OTP, Dasey. (What are the odds?)

However, writing Truman? What the hell, Daphne? Hence, this story.

Daphne is Daphne Ballon.

Jeff is Jeff Bierderman (writer who wrote a lot of very Dasey episodes).

Disclaimer: I don't own Life with Derek or it's writer.

Oh, and SPOILER alert


Daphne Ballon's Five Stages of Dasey

1. Denial

Daphne: So thank you both for joining us here in the writer's room. Jeff and I thought that we might review the premise of the show and what we have in store for you.

Casey: Sounds great. Let me just get out my planner so that I can take some notes.

Derek: Yeah, whatever.

Daphne: Basically, this is going to be a modern-day Brady Bunch. A story about how your families merge together and you fight for control of your house and your world.

Casey: Control—check. I can totally infuse a little more discipline and organization into his life.

Derek: Yeah, you just keep thinking that princess.

Jeff: Anyways, we thought that this season would be all about the fight for control and the rivalry between you.

Daphne: Then, as you get used to being a family, we thought we would show the two of you working together more often.

Derek: Yeah, yeah. But when do I get to jump her bones?

Casey: Der-ek! You don't have to be so crude about it.

Daphne: Excuse me?!

Derek: Casey and I. When do we get to finally hook up?

Jeff: That's a good question. I thought maybe—

Daphne: That's a horrible question, Jeff! Derek, I don't know where you got such crazy ideas. You're never going to "jump her bones."

Casey: Really? I'm going to start it? But when I like someone I don't like to be too obvious until it's obvious that the other person likes me back. Don't you think that it would be better if he initiated things?

Jeff: Well, I think—

Daphne: No one is going to initiate anything, because there is nothing going on between the two of you.

Derek: But we rolled around together on the bathroom floor.

Casey: And you had that one girl ask if I was his girlfriend.

Derek: And I think I'm getting totally jealous of that thing with Sam.

Daphne: Guys, that is totally normal sibling behavior.

Casey: So there really isn't anything going on between us?

Daphne: Of course not. You like Sam, and maybe after an extended period of time, Derek will realize that he likes Emily.

Derek: That crazy stalker chick from next door?! Jeff, buddy, does it have to go down like that?

Jeff: Well—

Daphne: Of course, it does Derek. It's clear that there is nothing going on between you and Casey and that's that.

2. Anger

Max: Daphne, could I talk to you for a second?

Daphne: Of course, Max. What's on your mind?

Max: That's just it. I'm not really sure.

Daphne: What do you mean?

Max: Well, what is my motivation? What am I doing with Casey?

Daphne: Well, you're Casey's perfect guy. You two are supposed to have a relationship.

Max: But I was just looking for the bathroom. And besides, isn't she supposed to end up with Derek?

Daphne: With Derek! Why does everybody keep saying that to me! Don't you know that's incest! Are you guys trying to ruin our association with Family and Disney Channel?!

Max: But, I thought that the pairing was what the fans wanted.

Daphne: Screw what the fans want, Max! I would rather try to convince people to ship Casey and a cardboard cutout than let Casey be together with Derek.

Max: Oh, I get it now!

Daphne: Thank goodness!

Max: I can totally be that guy.

3. Bargaining

Jeff: Daphne, the fans didn't seem go for Max. I think that people are still rooting for Casey and Derek. Don't you think that maybe we could—

Daphne: Look Jeff, I know that the fans want Dasey but hopefully we can come to a compromise about that.

Jeff: Um, what do you mean?

Daphne: Jeff, meet Sally! She's smart, friendly, and won't take any of Derek's crap. She's a feminist who can stand up for herself and will help Derek become a better person.

Sally: Hi! Can I cook you dinner and plan your daughter's birthday party?

Jeff: Daphne, that sounds a lot like Casey.

Daphne: Exactly. Meaning the fans will like her with Derek. And best of all, we won't have to worry about it being borderline-incest.

Jeff: Daphne, it wouldn't be incest. Besides, don't you think the fans will see through this?

Daphne: Of course not, Jeff. Unlike Casey, Sally is blonde!

Jeff: Okay, even if they don't see through this, what about Casey?

Daphne: Already thought of it! Meet Truman.

Truman: Daphne, I'd give you a 4 because you're old.

Daphne: Truman is an arrogant bad-boy who likes to smirk at people and knows just how cute he really is. He's popular with the ladies and is going to be romantically linked to Emily, Kendra, and Sally.

Jeff: Sounds like—

Daphne: Derek? Sort of. Except . . . Hmm . . .Well, I'll think of some differences later.

Jeff: I don't know about this Daph.

Daphne: Jeff, trust me. Everyone will be pleased with this compromise.

4. Depression

Daphne: Jeff, they turned on Sally.

Jeff: Yeah, I was never sure about that plan.

Daphne: And they still ship Derek and Casey.

Jeff: Yeah, don't you think that maybe—

Daphne: No, Jeff, don't say it. Anything but that.

Emily: Daphne, did I just here you say anything?

Daphne: Yeah, what about it.

Emily: Well, um, could I maybe hook up with Derek?

Daphne: Whatever. I'm so disappointed with the fans that I don't even care anymore.

Jeff: But Daphne that would totally be out of character for Derek and for Emily at this point.

Emily: Yeah, I had kind of outgrown my Derek stalking phase, but you guys wrote Sheldon out so I sort of want a love interest.

Jeff: Sorry about the Sheldon thing Emily.

Daphne: You can be with Derek. Knock yourself out.

Vicki: Hey, did I hear that you guys were taking requests?

Jeff: Vicki? We haven't seen you since season 1.

Vicki: First of all, Jeff, it's Victoria. And second of all, you did have Casey refer to me once in season 2.

Daphne: What do you want Vicki?

Vicki: Payback.

Jeff: For what?

Vicki: For all the airtime that Casey gets on this show and the fact that I get none!

Daphne: So, do you want a cameo?

Vicki: Yes please. And I want to hook up with Casey's boyfriend who she'll later forgive.

Daphne: Whatever.

Jeff: This is not going to be good . . .

5. Acceptance

Derek: Daphne, please. Just let us have a moment.

Daphne: A moment?

Derek: I don't even have to kiss Casey. It could be a kind of ambiguous moment.

Casey: Maybe we could end up going to the same University, leaving open the possibility of a romance there?

Derek: We did have fun studying together that one time. Maybe I could imply that I want to take courses I know that she'll be interested in!

Jeff: That sounds pretty doable to me. Maybe we could even include a mention of the fact that you aren't actually blood-related and let you share a significant look that would go over the head of the little kids who watch this show.

Derek: Daphne, what do you say?

Casey: Please, Daphne?

Daphne: Fine. As long as Family and Disney give it the green light, you can have your Dasey moment. But I'm not promising anything about the movies . . .