The autumn leaves swirled around her shaking body, making her look up to the ominous clouds above. Fits my mood today perfectly, Usagi thought bitterly as she roughly rubbed her tear-filled eyes. It was one thing to be told you were useless numerous times over; it was a completely different thing altogether to know it to be the truth. Though no one had ever told Usagi directly that she was good for nothing, everyone constantly implied it. Usagi thought back to her parents and their disappointed sighs whenever she brought home report cards and their complete indifference to her perpetual lateness. It was as if they felt they could never expect her to do better.
She received the same reactions from her best friends Ami and Makoto, and her guardian cat Luna. She gulped down another sob when she remembered their reactions to her latest test. They had simply shaken their heads and moved on with the conversation. Usagi had at least expected some encouragement, since she had actually been motivated to study for this one. Yet they were still disappointed and acted like they had never expected her to do better in the first place, even though she had put in the effort.
Though by far, Rei was the worst. Any little thing Usagi did that was out of line was brought to her attention by the fiery miko. It seemed that Rei truly had no faith in her from the start and liked to voice her displeasure at every possible opportunity.
And then there was Mamoru. Just the thought of him made Usagi's blood boil. Mamoru was one of those people who happened to be annoyingly perfect. It was like anything his hand touched turned to gold. He was a straight A student at Tokyo's most prestigious medical college, which he attended for free with the truckload of scholarships he had won. Not that he needed any. Usagi had recently found out that Mamoru was completely loaded. He had a very cool, very sleek, red sports car, a motorcycle, and an apartment in one of richest neighborhoods in Azabu. He was also one of those men who could truly be called gorgeous. He had thick luscious black locks, which were always perfectly tousled. He had a tall, lean, and muscular frame. Usagi knew this first hand from constantly crashing into his rock hard chest. He had piercing blue eyes and one of those smiles that melted girls into a puddle of goo at his feet. And the worst part was that he knew it too and liked to point out constantly how Usagi could never ever, in her wildest dreams, measure up to his level of perfection.
Usagi started sobbing anew as her thoughts turned to his teasing. It was somehow worse coming from him considering he didn't truly know her. Ami and Makoto had told her that was ridiculous because it's always easier to blow off hurt from a stranger than from a close friend. While that may true, it made Usagi's heart clench to know that someon who barely knew her could easily see all her faults and despise her for them.
Usagi briefly wondered why she was suddenly experiencing this heartache. Normally Usagi wouldn't care about such things; she knew her family and friends loved her and life was too much fun to waste it moping around over stinging comments. However, the recent youma fight had made Usagi seriously rethink the way she thought about herself.
The youma tonight had been extremely frightening. It was a tall, lean humanoid female, whose skin was as black as coal. Coming out of the tips of its fingers and toes were three inch long straight claws. Its long wavy hair was blood red, which matched the color of its pupilless eyes. Two long, white vampiric fangs protruded from its inky black lips. Most of the youmas she had faced usually looked pretty comic, but this one looked like a creature from a childhood nightmare. Usagi's heart had stilled upon seeing those soulless red orbs staring at her. She hadn't even been able to stutter out her usual introductory speech. Of course this didn't go unnoticed by Sailor Mars, who promptly shouted at her for being a scaredy-cat before releasing her attack.
Before the phrase "FIRE SOUL!" left her lips, the youma released its own attack. This consisted of shooting out its claws like lethal darts, followed by a stream of pink boiling acid from its mouth. Mars barely had time to dodge the attack before the claws pierced her skin.
Usagi felt herself go weak in the knees and she sank down to the ground, too stiff from fright to move.
"Come on, Sailor Moon! We need your help to dust this thing!" shouted Sailor Jupiter as she attempted to electrocute the monster.
The thought of being killed in such a grotesque manner caused Usagi to let out a whimper, inadvertently drawing the youma's attention to her helpless state. She felt her mouth open in horror as the youma trained its fathomless gaze on its new target. Sailor Mercury immediately released her fog hoping to shield Sailor Moon from the youma's onslaught, but the youma had already begun aiming in Usagi's direction.
Usagi let out a horrified wail, which quickly became a full out scream. Immediately the red jewels in her odangos started to vibrate, which transformed her screams into powerful sound waves. The youma began howling in agony at Sailor Moon's vocal onslaught and Sailors Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter all used the opportunity to combine their attacks. The force of the combined attacks hit the youma through the fog and it let out one last terrified screech before disintegrating into dust.
Usagi stopped screaming once she heard the sound of the youma dying and as the fog cleared she saw the all too familiar pile of dust where it once stood. She leaned over and clutched the grass, trying to fight the wave of nausea that had come over her. She still felt sick with fear, even though there was nothing left to threaten her. The idea of being torn about by razor sharp claws and then melted with hot acid made her shudder and another bout of nausea rolled over her.
"Good grief, Moon! You could have at least helped out! At least those idiot jewels in your hair complement the fact that your greatest power is crying like a baby!"
Usagi cringed at Mars' harsh words, but was still too busy recovering from the ordeal to respond.
"She's right, you know," Luna sighed "You and the other girls are a team and you can't always expect to rely on them to do most of the work for you."
Usagi felt anger prick her at Luna's comment. "You're one to talk! You never help out! All you do is sit on the sidelines and shout out advice! You have no idea how scary it is to face a youma!"
"Sailor Moon! That was uncalled for!" gasped Sailor Mercury with an accusatory stare.
"Yeah, Odangos-for-brains. Besides, how do you explain that three out of four people can keep their head in a fight?" Mars asked snidely.
Usagi blanched. She had no response to that.
"Come on, guys. Stop picking on her. We really should get home. It's getting pretty late." Jupiter said wearily.
The other two agreed and with three last disappointing looks in Usagi's direction, they started heading home.
"I'll see you back at the house, Usagi." Luna said curtly, before jumping away into the night.
Usagi felt a bit guilty. Luna must be pretty mad if she doesn't want to walk home with me, Usagi thought sadly.
Usagi didn't bother to detransform and stayed sitting in her spot in the grass, her mind going back to what Sailor Mars had said. "Good grief, Moon! You could have at least helped out! At least those idiot jewels in your hair complement the fact that your greatest power is crying like a baby!"
Why did she have those vibrating jewels in her hair? They only seemed to work when she was crying or screaming. It was as if whoever made them knew she would be a crybaby and had designed a weapon specifically for her temperament. Usagi stilled at that thought. If that were true, than it would imply that she had nothing else she could offer to this fight and the weapons she had seemed to prove that. Not only did Mercury have her own defense attack, but she also had her mini-computer and her visor. Mars had a fire attack and she could dispel evil spirits. Jupiter had her lightening attacks and she was strong enough to lift the youmas over her head. Usagi had….a tiara, which she could only use after the others had weakened the monster and vibrating jewels which only worked when she started wailing.
The other senshi all had powers that complemented their strengths and abilities. If Usagi had a power that worked with crying or when others had almost completed the job for her, then that meant….That's all I'm good for, Usagi finished.
That's when the tears started coming in earnest and Usagi began looking at the way she had been treated in a different light. She truly was useless, if her attacks were anything to go by, and the comments and attitudes of her friends and family, and even Mamoru, only reinforced the idea.
She had no idea how long she remained sitting on the grass in the park, letting out all the anguish from her painful realization, but she was broken out her of reverie when the heavens opened up and let down their own downpour. Usagi squealed in fright when she heard the first clap of thunder. She hated thunderstorms! But then her previous thoughts came rushing back to her. I deserve to be caught out here in a thunderstorm, all alone, she thought bitterly.
She still hadn't gotten up from her position on the ground and her fuku was completely soaked through, but she didn't care. All she could think about was how pointless her existence was and how she wished the earth would just swallow her whole and be done with it.
This morbid thought began to take root in her distressed state and an evil little voice in her mind whispered If you are completely useless to everyone, maybe you should be done with it. There's a bridge not too far from here, and the water has to be rampaging by now. If you jumped, you wouldn't survive.
Usagi gasped in horror at the very idea. Kill herself? She couldn't do that! She had so much to live for and people….depended….on…..
Usagi came to a standstill in her thoughts. Did she really have anything to live for? She was already truly convinced that she couldn't ever hope to achieve anything. No then, she firmly decided, I don't have any purpose to continue on.
But what about the people who depended on her as Sailor Moon? She couldn't let them down, could she? But does anyone actually depend on you as Sailor Moon? Sure you can kill the youmas, but the other Senshi could probably handle it, given the chance. And your stupid jewels prove you don't have any great strengths to offer to the team.
Then why did Luna choose her to be Sailor Moon? Surely she had something valuable and unique to offer to the Senshi?
What if Luna made a mistake? After all, she did only seem interested in you after you saved her from those boys. And what about what Sailor Mars said? You are the only member of the team that doesn't seem to be cut out for fighting.
Usagi's eyes widened in shock at this thought. It had to be a mistake! The others all seemed to be made for fighting youmas, as if that was their purpose. Their powers all seemed to prove this. Usagi was no warrior and it seemed as if her locket had given her the powers it did only because crybaby Usagi was all it had to work with.
Usagi started choking on sobs again as she finished this thought process. It was all a mistake. At least as Sailor Moon, she could derive some sense of purpose, some feeling that she was important and others needed her. But that was no longer true. She wasn't meant to be Sailor Moon and with her track record, she wasn't meant to be anything else either.
With a heavy heart, Usagi's started walking in the direction of the bridge. Tears were still streaming down her face, mixing with the heavy rainwater. She had to do this. If she ended her life now, no one would have to be disappointed in her anymore and she could pave the way for the real Sailor Moon to take her place.
She briefly thought about detransforming, but then thought better of it. If she was going to die, she'd at least like to die in the one form where she actually added up to something, at least for a little while.
When she reached the bridge, fear began to tickle her insides. She stared down at the raging water and the rocks below. She didn't have the guts to jump off a bridge. She had almost decided to give up the idea, when that evil inner voice began to criticize her. You're such a coward, that you can't even end your useless existence?
Usagi felt her resolve harden. If her life couldn't be useful, the least she could do would be to end it.
Her body started shaking life a leaf, but she ignored the fear eating away at her insides and clumsily climbed up on the railing. She stood there for a moment, staring down into the merciless black water, trying to ignore the doubts screaming at her from the back of her mind.
No, I have to do this, she thought, choking back another sob, it's for the best. It's for everyone's best.
And surprisingly, as she leaned forward to fall into the watery pit below, her mind conjured as her final thought, an image of her own personal tormentor, Chiba Mamoru.