"Hi, I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my sidekick, Burton 'Magichead' Guster…"
"…my client, 'Crusher'; please don't upset him…"
"…my number-two, Billford Garbickle…"
"…my attendant; I simply call him attendant. Attendant, why don't you get us some coffee while we talk..."
"…my caddie. Don't bother speaking to him, he only knows Portuguese…"
"…my assistant, Dolph Finn…"
"…my boyfriend, George O'Malley. He's dumb as a rock, but just look at those thighs…"
"…my psychic-message decipherer, Burton Guster, known in some circles as 'Chuckles the Clown'…"
"…my babysitter, since apparently you think I can't take care of myself, Dad…"
"…my ride, because I crashed my bike the other day; I was going off this big jump and then it slipped in a puddle and the next thing I knew…"
"…my secretary; he can type over 600 words a minute, I swear he's in the Guinness world records…"
"…my pineapple supplier; bring the next load in on Tuesday, okay Grunty?…"
"…my walking, talking, occasionally squeaking, credit card. Of course, he has yet to figure that out…"
"…my chauffeur, of course. Jeeves the Fourth; he comes from a long line of chauffeurs that…"
"…my dog-walker. I'm afraid the knee injury has stopped me from being able to keep up with Mooch any longer…"
"…my imaginary friend, Mr. Sauerkraut. Sometimes he morphs into Elvis when the aliens fly by…"
"…my best friend, Burton Guster, also known as Boring McSourpuss…"
"…my brother. And as long as I have any life left in me, I swear you aren't getting within two miles of Gus without me kidnapping your sick, insane, note-leaving ass, and personally demonstrating to you every single way he's worth getting sent to prison for torture and homicide, got it? Got it? Leave my brother alone."