Summery: Hello, you've called the Devil Dealer's Hotline. Please wait one moment as we send a consultant your way. Jack took the phone away from his ear and stared at it in confusion. What, you though only Goddesses used the phones for wishes? An OMG!xSG-1 crossover.
Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1. Nor do I own anything of Ah! My Goddess
Team night. One of the few times when SG-1 wasn't on base for matters of nation security or the prevention of world destruction at the hands of aliens with evil snakes in their heads. It was a time of peace: No projects to work on, nothing to repair, no alien artifacts to translate, and the best part: No God damned, monotonous paperwork.
Nope. Jack thought, greeting Carter at the front door and inviting her inside. Just me, the team, a few beers, and a movie. No aliens, no paperwork, and no evil doohickies. The thought made him grin, and he shut the door behind Carter as the Major made her way inside, heading into the living room that already contained Daniel and Teal'c.
It wasn't that Jack disliked his job. No, far from it-he lived for it. It was just important that he and the others take a break from saving the world on a day-to-day basis.
Locking the door, the Colonel turned and followed the trail Carter had taken into the living room, his hands shoved carelessly in the pockets of his jeans as he spied the rest of his team: Carter had taken up residence on the couch next to Daniel, while Teal'c had taken over Jack's La-Z-Boy, and, upon Jack's entering, looked up at him before nodding his head in greetings. Carter and Daniel, who had started a conversation on one doohickey from planet PX-something-or-other, must have noticed Teal'c's action, for the two scientists paused in their conversation to look up and over the couch at him.
Jack clapped his hands and rubbed the two limbs together in exaggerated anticipation "So, Danny-Boy, tell us, what movie did you bring with you for team night?" He smiled down at the younger man, who gave a sheepish one in reply.
"Well…I figured after what happened on our last mission, we could use some comedy, so…" The Archeologist reached down into the bag that he'd brought with him, currently lying next to his feet. He brought out a slim DVD case and showed Jack the cover.
"Ace Ventura: Pet Detective?" Jack read out loud, smirking as he looked from the slim case to the man holding it. "You weren't kidding when you said, 'after our last mission', where you?" He got another sheepish grin.
The mission in question had, in no particular order, involved a tribe of overly friendly natives who, if what Daniel said was true, appeared to be of Native American descent. And, while things appeared to be going well with the natives, SG-1's infamous luck decided to rear it's ugly head, and the team quickly found themselves fleeing for the Stargate after an incident involving some sort of grey substance that looked all too much like brain matter that the locals called a 'delicacy', the escape of several animals the natives thought to be holy (one of which could have passed for a miniature Godzilla if it didn't look so much like a rat), and the local flora seeming to come to life with the intent of 'reaching out and touching someone' (Jack had never, in all his life, been groped before. He silently declared he'd kill anyone, be it human, animal, alien, or plant, that tried it again.). All in all, it had been a rather…bad experience, one that still had the staff chuckling over when the news got out of Jack's session with an 'overly friendly vine.' He was still searching for the son of a bitch who'd left the fern in his office.
But this is besides the point, as Jack snorted and shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, why not? It should be good for a few laughs." Carter grinned at him, and Daniel's smile became a tad less sheepish.
Jack looked over at Teal'c, who was watching in silence, an eyebrow quirked upwards in question. Jack's smirk grew into a smile. "Trust me, it's a classic, you'll love it."
The silver haired man took a few steps back, smiling lightly at his team mates. "Alrighty then." He said, gaining an amused glance from Daniel and a snicker from Carter. "Danny, why don't you start up the movie while I order us some pizza. Pepperoni alright with everyone?"
Nods and murmurs of agreement met his senses, and with the information in mind, the Colonel turned and left, walking into the kitchen where the phone rested, the numbers of various take out joints written in a familiar scrawl on a pad next to it. "Lets see here…" He mumbled, bringing his phone to his ear and punching in the number sequence for the local Pizza Hut.
"Hey Jack." The older man looked up, registering Daniel hanging near the cupboards. "Do you have any more popcorn?"
Jack nodded, his thumb coming down on the hapless phone and smashing several buttons. The man didn't appear to notice. "Yeah, we should have one bag left. Should be in the third shelf to the left."
His younger companion nodded. "Cool, thanks." With that, his friend turned and began rummaging through the shelves, searching for his intended prize while Jack redirected his attention back to the phone, punching in the last of the four numbers and listening for the tell tale ring to come to an end.
Wait, it was already ringing?
With a disgruntled grunt, Jack brought the phone away from his ear, about to hang up and redial when he heard the other end pick up. Feeling slightly embarrassed, the silver haired Colonel brought the phone back to his ear, an apology already on his tongue when he heard a computerized female voice coming over the other line.
Hello, you've called the Devil Dealer's Hotline. Please wait one moment as we send a consultant your way. Jack took the phone away from his ear and stared at it in confusion. "What?" He asked, ignorant of Daniel's curious eyes on his back, the bag of popcorn he'd been searching for held in his hands.
"What is it, Jack?" Daniel asked, taking a moment to take the plastic off the bag and shove the junk food into the microwave, setting it for several minutes before casually walking to his friend's side.
Jack shook his head, hitting the 'end call' button before once again punching in the number for the Pizza Hut. "Nothing. Just dialed a wrong number." This time making sure the number was correct, he brought the phone once more to his ear. "You ever hear of something called the 'Devil Dealer's Hotline?'" He asked, listening as the ringing ended to another line, another automated voice asking to hold for one minute.
Daniel raised an eyebrow in a fashion similar to Teal'c, before shaking his head in amusement. "Can't say I have. What did you do, dial up a lawyer?"
Jack snorted. "Well, you know h-" He paused, raising a finger up in a 'hang on for a second' gesture. "Yeah, I'd like to order a large…"
Meanwhile, as the conversation between Jack, Daniel, and the phone played out, a conversation of it's own was forming out in the living room. Daniel had left Sam with the task of setting up the DVD in Jack's player, and it was slowly becoming obvious that, while the Major had a brilliant mind, she couldn't, for the life of her, figure out how to work Jack's DVD player. Now she saw why Daniel had decided he'd rather raid Jack's kitchen then start the movie.
From his spot on Jack's recliner, Teal'c watched on in silent amusement as the Major cursed and grumbled to herself, Jack's T.V. blurring or fizzing every now and then as Sam tampered with the various electronics hooked to the screen. Teal'c watched for several minutes. All of which yielded little to no success on Sam's part.
Silently, Teal'c left the comfort of the recliner and moved towards Sam, deciding to see what he could offer in the way of help. As he approached, the blonde woman's mutterings grew more audible, and he could make out the words, '…o many damn cables. Where the hell do they all plug in? …should just break down and buy a new one. Not like money is a problem…"
It was around this time that Jack, in the other room, dialed the wrong number to the Pizza Hut, landing him on the Devil Dealer's Hotline.
And that's when things got…interesting, to say the least.
As Teal'c opened his mouth to offer his assistance to Sam, a glint coming at him from the corner of his eye caught his attention, and the large man ducked, just as…something…flew through the space his head had, up until a second ago, occupied. Dark eyes trailed after the offending item, watching as it slowed it's pace somewhat and giving the Jaffa an idea of just what it was. Both eyebrows raised in surprise and question.
"Major Carter." Sam grunted, but didn't look up. "What is it Teal'c?" She asked, a small hint of annoyance in her voice as she resisted the urge to pound her fist down onto the television. It was one of the older models, and while generally there was nothing wrong with that, it had so many adapters and other various accessories connected to it that the machine was quickly whittling away at her nerves.
From somewhere above her head and to her left, Teal'c responded. "Is it common for the cases of compact disks to fly through the air without the use of ulterior devices?"
Sam paused, one hand wrapped around a handful of cables, threatening to rip then out of their sockets for not complying to her demands, the other resting threateningly on top of the television. She blinked several times, her mind slowly processing the words Teal'c had uttered. The woman slowly turned to look up at her companion, a small frown on her face and her brows furrowed in confusion. "Teal'c?" She asked. "What are you talking…about…"
A CD case was floating casually in front of Teal'c's face, as though the small plastic container had simply decided to ignore the laws of physics and hang around the jaffa's head for a little while. She could almost hear the words that were sure to spew forth from the plastic case. "HI! How ya' doing? Oh me? I'm just Peachy! Do you mind if I float around your head for a little while? You don't? Great!" For the life of her, she couldn't figure out why the voice she'd given it was the same as that green dog from that strange cartoon Cassie watched every now and then.
But whatever the reason, the image of a CD case with a high pitched voice floating over her solemn friend's head caused the young woman to release a somewhat nervous laugh.
"I fail to see what is so amusing in this situation, Major Carter." Teal'c's voice rumbled through her consciousness, bringing Sam back to reality, where the CD still hung patiently in front of Teal'c, apparently waiting for the large man to do…something.
The laugh was immediately cut off. "There's nothing funny about it." She said, releasing the cables in her hand and slowly standing up. Blue eyes followed the object as she moved to stand be Teal'c's side, the jaffa's own eyes having not left the case since it's initial 'attack.'
Her brows furrowed together in confusion, as she examined the case, finding it coverless, only containing a CD with the words Enka Hits stenciled on to the front. "Enka? What the hell is that?" She murmured, hearing Teal'c's soft grumble of agreement.
"Hmmm…." The young woman reached a hesitant hand out, lightly touching the floating case before quickly drawing it back, as though afraid the hovering plastic might reach out and bite her. Nothing of the sort happened, and with a look over at the stationary Teal'c, who, whiled tense, offered no objections, Sam reached out and grabbed the case.
She found no invisible force preventing her from grabbing the case, nor anything else that could have passed for 'out of the ordinary.' With a confused frown, the Major tossed it gently in the air, giving the case the opportunity to return to it's hovering position once more. It came down into her hands, however, as though it were nothing more then the average CD case.
She looked up at Teal'c once more, meeting his raised eyebrow with a shrug. "Should we not tell the others of this?" The Jaffa asked, his eyebrows drawn together in a serious expression as he loomed over his smaller companion's form.
Sam nodded her head, her hands fiddling with the case as they sought out an opening even as her mouth opened to call the other two men from out of the kitchen. As it was, the duo in question entered the living room just as Sam was about to call for them, Daniel holding a bag of unopened popcorn in one hand, apparently deep in conversation with Jack about the similarities between body-stealing Goa'uld and blood-sucking lawyers.
"Sir!" The lone female of the group cried out, drawing the duo's attention away from their somewhat odd conversation and towards the Major and Jaffa, the former of which was still trying to pry open the 'possessed' CD case. Jack took in the scene with two raised eyebrows, a mixture of curiosity and amusement in his dark eyes.
"Carter." He replied, his voice holding a small note of expectancy as the man shoved his hands into his pocket. "Did we decide on not watching a movie?" He asked, his gaze shifting from his second-in-command and the Jaffa at her side to the television with it's fuzzy screen in the background. "I mean, I know my T.V. can be stubborn, but I didn't think you'd let something like that beat you, Carter."
Beside him, Daniel took the opportunity to throw in his two cents worth. "Stubborn?" He snorted. "With all the wires and cables you have connected to that thing, it'd take a shipload of Asguard and several Ancients to figure out how to get the VCR working, let alone the DVD player." He easily dodged the half-hearted swing aimed at his arm.
Jack glared at his younger friend as Sam and Teal'c looked on, the CD case still held tightly in the Major's hand, a sure sign that it had not yet been forgotten. "Sir…" Sam trailed off, once more gaining her commanding officer's attention.
The retort that was no doubt on the edge of Jack's lips died away as he looked over at Sam. "Ah yes, so tell me Carter, what's with the CD? Did you decide to raid my music for Karaoke or something?" He asked, walking towards her and looking down at the captive CD.
"Enka Hits?" He said aloud. "Is this one of yours, Carter? I'm pretty sure I don't listen to any of her music." Sam sent him a confused look, one that was evident in her next words. "Sir?" She asked, trying to understand what he meant.
Jack tipped his head to the side, looking at her in curiosity. "So it isn't yours then?" He asked, reaching out and plucking it from the blonde woman's hands. He flipped it over, examining it much in the same way Sam had just a few minutes ago. "Huh, I wonder if it's one of Sara's…" He muttered, more to himself then anyone else.
Behind him, Daniel peeked over Jack's shoulder, his own curiosity getting the better of him, the bag of popcorn all but forgotten as it rested on a near by table. "Hmm…an Enka CD? I wasn't aware you were into that sort of music, Jack."
Jack snorted, the light jibe parting him from distant memories of another time in his life. "I don't." He said. "I don't generally listen to chic music, Daniel."
The younger man gave his friend a look. "Jack, Enka is hardly 'chic music.'" He said, a finger rubbing the bridge of his nose. It earned him a blank look from Jack, and a grunt from Sam, who, for some reason, looked somewhat frustrated.
"It's not?" Jack asked, glancing down at his hands, continuing to fiddle with the case. Daniel shook his head. "No. Enka is a form of Japanese music that was popular during World War 2. It isn't supposed to be as popular now a days though…" He trailed off as he caught the look on Jack's face. "What?"
"So, you're telling me that this CD," he tapped the plastic casing with a finger. "Isn't that one Irish band?" This time it was Daniel's turn to give Jack a blank look. "…No. It isn't." He said, his eyebrow scrunching together in confusion. "What band are you talking about?"
Jack scowled, waving his arms about as he sought out the words to describe the band he was talking about. "You know…that one band…with the female lead singer…" The blank stare didn't leave Daniel's face. If anything, it seemed to have multiplied, as now Carter was staring at him blankly as well.
"I believe Colonel O'Neil is referring to the female singer Enya, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's voice rang out, causing the rest of SG-1 to look up at him. Jack snapped his fingers, pointing his free hand at the Jaffa. "Bingo! That's who I'm thinking of." He said, a triumphant smile on his face. The smile soon faded. "Wait, Teal'c, how do you know that?"
Teal'c remained impassive, and for the first time, Jack realized that the large warrior's eyes were heavily focused on the CD still in his hand. "That is not a concern at the moment, Colonel O'Neil."
Jack blinked. "Oh? And what is then?"
Sam took the opportunity to make herself known. "Sir, that CD your holding was floating a little while ago." She said, her voice holding a hint of aggravation at the time it took to utter those few, important words.
The reactions that came from the duo who had not been present at the time were somewhat entertaining, to say the least.
Jack paused, raising an eyebrow and slowly gazing down at the case. "Floating, you say?" He asked, all too aware that Daniel had decided to take a few steps away from him at the sudden revelation. "Are you sure Carter? I mean, maybe you were hallucinating or something."
"Major Carter is indeed correct, O'Neil." Teal'c said, coming to the woman's defense. "The case came at me as though it were thrown before coming to a halt in front of me. It remained floating several feet off the ground until Major Carter grabbed it."
Jack's mouth formed in a silent 'O'. "I think I'll just put this down then…" He said, suddenly unsure if he really wanted to play around with an object that had decided to disobey the laws of physics.
And that was also around the time the CD decided it would very much like to be put down as well, and jerked violently in Jack's hand. Startled at the sudden action, Jack yelped, releasing the CD and watching as it fell to the floor. It hit the ground spine first, the lid of the case snapping open and releasing the CD from it's bindings. The CD was glowing.
"Oh hell." Jack muttered as he and the rest of his team leaped away from the steadily growing brighter compact disk. Experience had taught him, and the rest of his team for that matter, that when something was starting to glow, it was usually a bad thing. The glowing CD, as to be expected, was no exception to their experience.
"Hit the deck!" The silver-haired colonel yelled, diving behind his old couch, keenly aware of Daniel following closely behind him. The brown eyed man peeked over the couch, where he had just enough time to see Carter and Teal'c flip his table over and duck behind it for cover, drinks and other miscellaneous items scattering to the floor at the duo's action.
As if waiting for all of SG-1 to run for cover, the CD took that moment to shoot an almost blindingly bright beam of red light from itself, the beam growing larger and brighter as it moved to fill the room and it's occupants. An invisible breeze picked up, growing in intensity to that of a small cyclone. Small, light objects were quickly pulled upwards, only to be scatted in various directions as they parted from the miniature whirlwind.
Unable to keep his eyes on the cause of the chaos anymore, Jack looked away, his arms flying over his head in an effort to protect himself from any oncoming items. Then came a roar like thunder, an explosion, and suddenly it was all over.
The various items that had been uprooted by the small vortex came crashing down, bringing up a wave of dust that hadn't been present before and briefly choking the four present.
Feminine laughter filled the air, and as the spots cleared from his eyes, Jack peeked over his couch. A woman stood over the CD that had caused the whole mess. And she was floating several feet in the air.