Rating: R for language and sexuality
Disclaimer: DGM belongs to Hoshino Katsura et al.
A/N: Came to me on a rainy afternoon while conjuring up some other fic material. Title as reference from The Odyssey.
Allen leaves Kanda at the station and tells him they have split paths. Allen will now go one way; and he turns around like he means it. He's meaning it.
Kanda tells him to watch his back. He refrains from telling everyone to back off, on the other hand, like he's bitten his tongue off.
With Lenalee, he purchases her goodbye with a sighing half-hug, hug. They sigh. General Theodore engulfs them in an embrace that will leave Kanda feeling put out for a very long time.
Kanda is used to coming and going. He's used to things lapping at the body before it must turn into a monster. It's such an inspiring thing, an intricate part of living.
He's gotten used to the water lapping upside the barge. There are prismatic lights under the water, and there are lights flashing before his eyes. Lavi says they light up his face. Kanda is of the mixed variety; eyes that chill those estranged in his path, split from Allen and most of the rest.
Most of the rest, because Lavi is now with him on a barge with cargo on a river flowing into the ocean. Precious cargo, Lavi and him, with a tugboat in front of them.
Kanda finds a barrier and rests against it. He hangs on it so Lavi can see and determine he is rightfully idle. He's earned it. He can do what he will.
Lavi tugs on his hair. A finger wraps in this hair. Kanda braces himself.
"I hate boats," he says.
"You already told me that story."
Kanda glances at him, pleased but not showing it. "Thanks for remembering, you ass."
"My pleasure," Lavi says in a sort of song, kissing the air around Kanda's neck. Kanda's waiting to get erect. He waits for Lavi. Then Lavi looks around and watches a cargo worker swab the deck. The man is too far to hear anything. As for seeing:
"You'll have to get lower than that," Lavi says.
"If I get any lower, I'll be between your legs."
"And what's wrong with that?"
They look at each other while a mist from the ocean coats the entire cargo area. Kanda is nearly on his ass and Lavi has to pull him up slightly after that pitiful display of affection.
"You can do better than that," Kanda growls, looking up through his bangs that have gotten too long. He lets the thought of growing up scamper away. They're already grown up.
Lavi pulls him up all the way, to kiss him, to shove him into the safety barrier and backward; the bars jam into Kanda's back and ass. He's never kissed here on a barge with bars pressing into his backside. He gulps and chokes on a breath and Lavi pulls his lips away. Then his lips are on Kanda's chin and throat, again on his mouth where it is curling and wanting to curl around Lavi's lips.
Lavi starts to talk through Kanda's throat about something to do, and if they have time to do it. He brings up a very important fact. But Kanda ignores it.
"Not here. It's about to rain."
Lavi ignores him as well. "Think you could turn around?"
"We're not doing that."
"Which is that?"
"Here. We're not doing that here." Kanda actually wonders if they should in order to make up for lost time. It's the end of their time, and they should. "I'm not playing, Lavi."
Lavi averts his eyes. Down. He rubs his thigh upside Kanda's.
Lavi looks away now.
"What's that. Are you pouting?"
"Idiot," Kanda sighs.
"I just, you know." Lavi licks his lips at the horizon. It's not yet dark.
"Did Bookman set a date?"
"Um. Yeah. Yes."
Kanda grows soft in his persistence. He nods.
"But!" Lavi grabs his shoulders and moves his hands till they are gripping Kanda's sides in a vise. He squeezes. Kanda makes a face. "I can't. I mean, I will go. But not this minute."
Kanda raises a brow untrustingly. Lavi can mean many things, but Kanda doesn't mean this. He doesn't want him to leave just yet, and he knows it'll hurt when he does. A little. In a way. It always does; it will always hurt.
But he'll live.
He tells Lavi to stop being a romantic asshole and that he better stop dawdling. Something's got to give; something's got to move. It better be now because later, it'll be too late, and then Kanda will be very spiteful toward a person who no longer exists. This will be his little secret, however. He's always been good at keeping secrets.
He has an idea to tide them over. He fingers the air and Lavi puts his forehead to his.
"Tell me something," Kanda says quietly.
"Whatever it is, I hope it's not about that girl from the station."
Kanda pauses to flare his nostrils.
"Really, nothing happened."
"That's not my problem. I just want to know something about you."
Lavi then backs away, just a bit that's noticeable. Kanda watches very carefully. He likes the way Lavi grows nervous. Lavi doesn't even ask what this is about; he merely lifts his brow in question, with the spec of hope that it's still not about that girl.
"Tell me your name," Kanda whispers, now in Lavi's ear, close to the shell.
It feels good. It should feel good. He wants it to feel good.
Lavi doesn't look too good.
Kanda smiles to himself and can see the moon already out and reflecting across Lavi's face. "I already know what's under there," he says, as an afterthought, to seduce him. He taps Lavi's patch.
"Well. It's comin' off soon."
"It is, isn't it," Kanda says dryly, dropping the seduction for a moment. As far as he is concerned, Lavi has no fucking eyeball.
They wait for a moment longer before Kanda grows impatient. He can feel the adrenaline finally kicking in. "Tell me your name."
Kanda doesn't. "Tell me."
"W-why?" Lavi is not laughing anymore.
And Kanda reels while waiting for it. He doesn't know what he'd been expecting, but he wasn't expecting that. He had been expecting a definitive no, actually. Like a fuck you. To which he wouldn't be adverse to once he's shown Lavi who's—
"Boss?" Lavi says.
Kanda frowns. "I." He pushes his tongue against his front teeth. "What's your name? That is, your true name. Tell me. Tell me." He puts his hands to Lavi's coat and picks at the buttons. He massages the seams until he reaches Lavi's belt.
Lavi sucks in his breath. "Stop it," he says. But he's closing his eyes and furrowing his brow.
Kanda forgoes the teasing and cups Lavi through his pants. Lavi starts to lean against him. This is like trust. This is like something else. Smelling of civilian clothing, metal, and sea water. The mist is getting thicker. The moon is out even though it's not yet dark, and Kanda could see the North Star if he looked up—though not directly.
It is lamentable. He doesn't care.
"Before you disappear," he continues.
"I won't disa—ungh. I won't disappear," Lavi argues quietly, his voice going deeper and getting closer.
Kanda unbuttons him, slides through the underwear. "You will."
Lavi almost whines but diverts with a hand to Kanda's collar. His collarbone, where it is sensitive. "Yuu. Stop."
"You wanted to play, Lavi."
"Not like. This."
Kanda keeps touching him. He gets a good grip. He asks for what's wrong; what's the deal; is Lavi just lying to himself again?
The night isn't lamentable. It's Lavi. He's the one. God, it kind of makes Kanda sick.
Though, he was already sick to begin with, when they had followed each other to the dock, on a whim, and that's how things usually happened. They happen still. So maybe Kanda is getting depressed in his own way about things, and he wants to take advantage, and to do anything that will set Lavi off. He can't help the thoughts in his head, and how he wants to take him.
He suddenly stops himself, so his hand stops, and stops while gripping. Lavi has to nudge Kanda away from him to get his attention. But, again, Kanda refuses to give up and keeps his hand in Lavi's pants. He plays with Lavi's veins as he thinks, not too hard, but hard enough. His other hand joins the first, and he just. Can't. Help. It.
It gets faster and the tide changes and soon Lavi is backing Kanda up against the barrier but they can't do that there and so Kanda pushes back and Lavi pushes forward and has to bring Kanda's hands out of his pants. He forces Kanda around him with him until Kanda is now backing up into a stack of crates and Kanda forgets to breathe. Lavi is now taking advantage of him.
The tide must always change.
Kanda feels Lavi trying to rip his belt off, his pants, the buttons, the buttonholes. This outfit doesn't have a zipper, so it's not as loud as it used to be. It's jerky, though, like a far gone farewell. He tosses his head back against the crate. This has to be goodbye. He closes his eyes to the moon and the North Star that blinks at him. He can count the blinks. He can grieve.
He opens his eyes. "Your name."
Lavi pauses in lifting Kanda by the ass cheeks. He doesn't look at him. He shakes his head and continues lifting Kanda and hardening him. When they are ready or not, and just as Kanda makes a face and starts to lament about the position with a few select words, Lavi turns him around to face the crate. Kanda growls against the wood and Lavi gives pause again.
"I've only got the hand stuff."
Whatever, whatever, like it matters, as if Kanda wants him.
"Use the hand stuff, then. I'm not about to be skewered by your—" Kanda cuts off. Lavi's hand has found his erection. Squeezes.
"Why would I skewer you?" Lavi asks in the softest way imaginable, which is possibly the hardest way to go about things.
It hurts to hear it coming from him.
Kanda braces himself with his hands on both sides of his head, and Lavi shoves into him. It is cold and wet at first. Kanda takes him in, inside, and he hurts. He breathes quickly and tries to forget how he is doing it. Though. This is for the best.
"You have to tell me. I let you fuck me."
"It's not something you bargain."
"I let this happen," Kanda repeats, breathing in tandem with Lavi's thrusts. His fingertips catch fine wood chips and fold into themselves. He watches his knuckles twitch ever so slightly while Lavi runs his own knuckles up Kanda's back. Lavi then jerks him up so that Kanda jumps and Lavi apologizes about moving too quickly.
Now this is a very odd and awkward position, but no one's fighting it. Kanda's chest presses into the crate while his back hooks and ass connects into Lavi's front, and he can just feel it go into him just right, where it might be mistaken for pain. He swallows his moan and then feels Lavi pause for the umpteenth time—during which Lavi's pause is just another excuse to kiss Kanda's throat. He swells.
He wants to fight, because without it, he loses his step, and just loses.
And this is not a competition.
Lavi starts to thrust again so fitfully that Kanda keens, biting his lip. He can feel his pants around one ankle, the mist upon his thigh. His heels are not touching the floor of the barge, and he accidently back kicks Lavi's shin on reflex. Lavi groans.
"What. You all right there?"
"Let me turn around."
"But. That's even harder to do."
"Let me turn around." Lavi lets him slide to his feet to face him. They stare at each other. Kanda fights now to grab at his collar. "The name."
"I don't have it. There's nothin' t' tell you."
Kanda eyes him. He drags Lavi back with him, bangs into the crate. They glance over their surroundings and no one is around. They'll be docking soon. They'll be leaving soon.
"I will if you will," Kanda mouths. He rests it against Lavi's Adam's apple as his body accommodates Lavi front to front, but he has to lift his head higher for breathing space. Curves. His hands find leverage above, like a layman hanging on for dear sanity, and his legs wind around Lavi's waist. They slip down around Lavi's hips and it is corrected.
It doesn't take long; the shoes Kanda is wearing don't click like the buckles on the last ones, so while he comes forcibly by mind over matter all over his shirt, Lavi stops thrusting to adjust his angle and absorb the implications of it all. They are still.
"A-aren't you going to finish?" Kanda breathes, feeling his fingers numbing above him. He shudders to himself, as if shedding the weight of the implications. They are not implied, after all; they are real.
It's the best and the worst and the more than he could hope for.
He holds his breath, muscles feeling hyper-extended, and drops his weight against Lavi, who grunts and plants him firmly into the crate. Kanda wants to feel him inside, where it is just full, where the void is filled with the existence of Lavi, and Kanda may ignore the fact they are both voids to be filled.
There it is, such an ugly void; everything that needs to go.
It's when Lavi is pulling out only a minute later that he opens his mouth in objection. He can't retaliate this time. Lavi's already coming into his own hand and they are silent as the mist seems to unravel their farewell. Kanda's legs stand on their own, not touching Lavi's.
They will have to get on with their lives.
Lavi looks at him from his dirty hands to Kanda's chin, and he leans forward to mouth it, and kiss; Lavi is kissing him and Kanda has to kiss back. There is a little tongue, and Kanda has it between his lips, hot against his own, his gums.
There is no longer a void. He kisses back with what Lavi's given him, and he hurts all over, and it's—it's so.
Kanda can't think of what to say. "I love." And it sounds fucking retarded.
Lavi stops mouthing him and fondling his front. Kanda recoils slightly as Lavi wraps his arms around him. It should be quick and painless. Kanda can feel the warmth of his cum. They are shaking because Kanda's heart is beating so fast, one long beat. They hear the captain call something about the weather and timing in French.
"I love" comes out again, but that's all that can leave Kanda. He is so weak, and all he can think about is how Lavi is an asshole and also Lavi. This is a defining moment. If it's possible, he's about to throw his heart up because it's beating the shit out of his ribs.
Lavi is wrapping his arms around Kanda so tight. Suddenly everything is so soft, blurred, that Kanda might be crying to himself with his pants down around his ankle. He'd spent so much time keeping this unmentionable thing close to him, that now when it must stop functioning, he can't let this happen. Other things may happen. Not this, not this. He stares at the tan of Lavi's neck as the other says, in that determined tone that makes Kanda want to kill something: "My name is Nohbdy."
So Kanda wants to say Those Three Words and Lavi wants to tell him A Bastard's Name, if it is a name, for a fool, if it is something Lavi can truly laugh about like he does when he is clearly stifling something.
This is how they'll get on with their lives. Stifling themselves.
Kanda shuts his eyes to stifle the hurt and all he can do now is kiss the shit out of Nohbdy.