Farfarello- Doctor of Dentistry

October 19, 2008

Summary: the title alone should a) send shudders of terror b) let you know this is a Weiss Kreuz comedy. I got the idea as a joke and then my husband encouraged this whole twisted mess. Farfarello has been taking day classes for many years studying to become a dentist. Schuldig and Nagi are horrified when they find out. Tot thinks its cool and starts to act as Farfarello's dental assistant. Schone gets a wonderful whiting treatment and crown after a scrap with Ken. What's worst... poor Ken gets dragged to get his wisdom teeth yanked. Guess who does the surgery!

Warnings: none... just good clean (minty- fresh) fun. I just found out about Weiss Kreuz... usually I write Gundam Wing comedies and spy dramas.

Nagi slung his backpack down and sat on the sofa in exhaustion. Irritation at Crawford reached its maximum. He had insisted, begged, and pleaded not to be sent to Tokyo City Highschool. Alas, his appeals fell on deaf ears because Crawford took his responsibilities as Schwarz's leader seriously, and insisted that all members strive for high achievements and self-improvement. That... and Nagi knew Crawford didn't want child welfare to come snooping around their posh high-rise apartment surround by too many retirees with binoculars and inclinations to gossip.

What really irritated Nagi was the fact that Omi Tsukiyono attended the school, already had friends, and was pretty popular. Nagi really didn't care about popularity, it just irritated him that it was Omi Tsukiyono who was popular, an enemy of Schwarz.

Nagi was happy his girlfriend, Tot, was able to attend with him. Hell found herself in the same situation as Crawford, so they car pooled and made the best of it. Nagi didn't really care for the rest of Schreient, but he kept his opinions to himself rather than rile Tot.

A loud slam made him jump. Farfarello slumped on the sofa next to him and tossed aside a backpack as well. Nagi looked at it suspiciously.

"Where have you two been all day! I've been running errands for Crawford with no help from either of you two," Schuldig yelled from the kitchen. "Now he's having me make you two dinner! What have you two done to earn this privilege?"

"I've been at school all day," Nagi snapped. "Remember? He's making me do this for the betterment of Schwarz."

"Baloney! He's just letting you goof off while I get all the boring daytime assignments," Schuldig groused. "That still doesn't explain you, Farfarello! Where have you been?"

"School," the pale assassin said with a small smile. Schuldig rolled his emerald eyes and sneered.

"Fine! Don't tell me," Schuldig said.

"If you would choose self improvement as well, instead of watching those obnoxious talk shows, Crawford wouldn't send you on so many boring task," Farfarello said. He got up and walked down the hallway to his bedroom.

Nagi gave Schuldig a baffled look. The German assassin just shrugged his shoulders. Both their eyes turned to Farfarello's backpack in curiosity. The last thing Nagi could picture was Farfarello ever pursuing higher education.

"I know, I can't see him willingly sitting in a classroom either," Schuldig whispered, sitting beside Nagi after reading his teammate's mind. Schuldig picked up the backpack. "I don't think there is one subject that would interest Farfarello long enough for him to get a degree."

"It's not like they offer courses in disembowelment and torture at Tokyo City University," Nagi said dryly, getting a snicker from Schuldig. Nagi bolted upright and glared at the backpack.

"You don't think he's studying religion," Nagi asked with a horrified expression.

"Naww... they would have kicked him out by now," Schuldig said with a dismissive hand wave. "Let's just see what he is studying."

Schuldig opened the backpack and pulled out three good sized hardbound books. The first book was a typical art appreciation, in which Farfarello had already sketched obscene and horrific things over several of the religious classics. The second was a book about gum diseases with many graphic photos. The third book was about advanced orthodontic surgical techniques.

Nagi looked over to Schuldig who paled as he put the books away with trembling hands. Nagi felt a crawling sensation run up and down his spine.

"It looks like they do offer classes in torture at the university," Schuldig said. "Well... we just had to ask what would keep his attention long enough to get a degree."

"I wish the image of him as a dentist could be erased from my mind," Nagi said.

"Mine too," Schuldig said.


"So, Crawford, are you seriously indulging Farfarello's aspirations to become a dentist?" Schuldig asked as he served Nagi and Crawford sauerkraut and veal cutlets. Nagi upturned his nose at the German food and gave Crawford a pleading look. Schuldig gave Nagi a cuff on the back of the head as he picked up Nagi's negative thoughts telepathically.

"I heard that! You eat what I put in front of you," Schuldig said. He turned to Crawford once again and about reiterated his question when Farfarello appeared at the door. The Irish assassin sat at the table and picked up his knife and fork.

"I'm starving. I had three exams today," Farfarello said.

"Speaking of which, what are your grades. We had an agreement," Crawford said poking at his own veal cutlet with a crinkled nose.

"My two dentistry courses I made the top exam scores," Farfarello said.

"And the art appreciation," Crawford said giving him that stern look over the top of his glasses.

"I'll have to retake that class. It would seem my teacher didn't like my theory on why there was so much art with religious themes during the middle ages," Farfarello said with a gleam coming to his amber eye.

"Not again. I thought I had been over this with you," Crawford said. "This is a simple course. Just feed the teacher what she wants to hear so you can finish your humanities requirement. How hard is that? I know you're smart enough to do that much. Just do it or I'll start taking the money for these classes out of your allowance."

"Okay," Farfarello said looking deflated as he started tearing into Schuldig's cooking.

"Wait! You're paying for him to become a dentist?" Schuldig asked outraged.

"Yes. I always said we should try to learn new things and expand our horizons. Something you never want to do," Crawford said before taking a tentative bite of sauerkraut. Crawford's face puckered. "I could send you to cooking school."

"So... can I just have the money for a new car?" Schuldig asked.

"No," Crawford said. Schuldig sat and pouted. He finally took a bite of his veal cutlet. He felt of jolt of pain in his jaw. He spit out what looked like a piece of hard plastic that had somehow gotten into his breading of the veal. Farfarello looked over at Schuldig's napkin and snickered.

"That would be a piece of your left molar," Farfarello said. "Hold still. I'll have you fixed right up."

"Not on your life!" Schuldig screamed and bolted out of his chair. Farfarello stood and stalked Schuldig around the dining room table. "Crawford! Make him stop!"

"Why? He has only one more term to go and he's at the top of his class. If only he would stop annoying all the instructors in the humanities department," Crawford said pushing his plate away in disgust. The American assassin also snatched Nagi's plate away from him and gave the teenager a shake of his head.

"I'm not like those others who claim to be painless, but I'm good and quick," Farfarello said jumping up on their dinning room table. He took out a tiny mirror and a pick rather than one of his long assassin's blades. Schuldig screamed and ran to the front door.

Farfarello bounded after the redhead with a maniacal giggle as he lofted the dental pick on high. German food sailed through the air and landed on the white walls and cream colored, deep piled carpet. Nagi's telekinesis kept him and Crawford spotless.

"Bella Notre?" Crawford asked Nagi as he stood and took out his car keys from his slacks pocket. Nagi just nodded and followed Crawford out of their high-rise apartment.

Nagi looked out of the passenger side window as Crawford drove them down the street. He saw a flash of red hair disappear into the rising fog. Farfarello wasn't too far behind with a set a three throwing knives.

"What about them?" Nagi asked.

"I'll let them sort it out and then we'll keep the survivor," Crawford said as he drove through a green light.


"How are you feeling?" Nagi asked Schuldig, who had been in and out of consciousness all morning. The German assassin's mouth was full of gauze and his face was coved in bruises. "You shouldn't have fought him, you know. But at least your tooth is fixed."

:Would you let him work on you?: Schuldig thought to Nagi. The teenager just shook his head.

"Not on your life," Nagi replied. "I have to go to school, but I'll check on you when I get home."

:Where's Crawford and that psycho?: Schuldig's thought was tinged with bitter anger.

"Crawford is trying to straighten things out with Farfarello's art instructor. Listen, Ms. Hell is picking me up so I have to go. Just get me telepathically if you need anything, but make sure it's an emergency. I'm not coming home to fluff your pillows," Nagi warned before he left the apartment.

Nagi quickly made his way to the waiting black sedan in front of the building and slid into the backseat. Tot engulfed him in a warm, enthusiastic hug and squealed.

"Good morning, Tot," he said, blushing as he noticed Hell watched them from her rearview mirror. "Good morning, Ms. Hell."

"Nagi, I've been trying to get Crawford on the phone. We have a job tomorrow that involves Weiss. I want to go in with back up," Hell said as she pulled out into traffic.

"I'll let him know this afternoon," he said. "By the way, he was wondering if you could also give me a ride home."

"Oh goody-goody... Tot likes it when Tot gets more time with Tot's Nagi," the blue hair girls said snuggling under Nagi's arm. Nagi didn't miss Hell's reflection in the mirror. She looked vexed. That's because Crawford kept dumping off car pooling duties on Schreiedent in a three to one ratio.

"I'm so sorry, Miss Hell," Nagi said, feeling annoyed at Crawford putting him such an awkward position.

"Don't worry about it Nagi. I'm not irritated at you, just Crawford. Besides, it makes Tot happy so don't worry about it," Hell said. Nagi relaxed a little and enjoyed snuggling a little with Tot before school.


Schone looked down from the rafters at the four Weiss assassins creeping through the secret botanical garden where highly toxic plants had been developed for use in assassinating world leaders. Schreient's leader, Masafumi Takatori, had stressed how important it was to defend his garden. Therefore, Schone and her teammates were more than happy to follow his orders.

Hell gave the hand signal. Schone eyed the one she wanted to kill in particular, the one with the bagnuks. She was going to make him pay this time. She jumped down from the rafters toward the Weiss assassin with her red whip at the ready and cracked it over his head.

He flinched and ran towards her with his steal claws out. He slashed at her twice, she dodged. His third shot was a left uppercut to her jaw that she was a hair too slow to dodge. It sent her sprawling. She screamed and lunged at him once again when she tasted blood.

"Lady! I'm so sick of you," he shouted and sidestepped her. She turned and gasped when she saw the youngest Weiss assassin dumping gasoline on the plants. Tot jumped at the teenaged boy, but she was a little too late as he flung a lighter at the deadly foliage.

"Tot! Watch out," Schone shouted as the girl was surrounded by flames. She sighed when the blue haired girl started to float in midair. "Good thing she dates Nagi," Schone said before turning to the Weiss assassin with the bagnuks again.

"You people keep getting in Masafumi's way," she shouted and lunged at him again after drawing a small blade from her boot. This time he hit her solidly on the jaw before she had the chance to bury the blade in his stomach.

She blacked out for a moment, but awoke outside the botanical garden's dome. It was engulfed in flames that lit up the dark, moonless night. She sat up and realized she was with Schreient and Schwarz. They all sat in a loose circle a safe distance from the fire. Her head was ringing so badly she couldn't make out the argument between Crawford and Hell. She knew the argument would be everything from this botched assignment to car pooling duties.

"Schone? Are you okay," Tot asked placing a hand on the older woman's shoulder. Schone shook her head and held her jaw.

"I think that Weiss creep knocked out my tooth," she said. All of the men of Schwarz grew quiet. Hell still screeched at Crawford who was now ignoring her and paying attention to Farfarello. Schone started to shiver as Farfarello walked over to her and knelt down.

"Run for it, Schone," Schuldig screamed as he jumped on Farfarello's back. The two of them wrestled on the ground as Schone looked up to Crawford.

"He's been studying dentistry at the university. He's very good," Crawford said. Schone felt panic rise as Farfarello shrugged off Schuldig and walked towards her again. Schone screamed and scrambled away into the dark woods around the burning dome.

"Now, Schone, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I like the hard way, but it does take more time that way," Farfarello called out from the dark. She yelped in fear as several throwing knives thunked in a tree trunk beside her. She plunged head long until she saw a flash of yellow.

"Tot thinks you should let Farfarello fix your tooth, Schone," Tot said hoisting her parasol to Schone's neck.

"Are you crazy? That's Farfarello! I'm not letting him put his filthy fingers in my mouth! Who know where they've been," Schone said.

"Now you offend me! I always wash my hands before I work," Farfarello said, dropping out of a tree to land behind Schone. He slammed the flat part of his hand into her neck; she then sunk unconscious for the second time that night.


"Where is Schone?" Hell screamed at Tot as she appeared back from the woods.

"Farfarello took her so he could fix her tooth," Tot explained with a bright smile. Hell swung around and faced Crawford.

"This is your fault. You make him give her back," Hell demanded.

"Are those fire sirens I hear? Got to go," Crawford said. He grabbed Nagi and Schuldig by the backs of their collars and tugged them to their getaway car.

"Crawford! I'll get you for this," Hell promised. She shook her fist at him. After Schwarz made their getaway, Hell turned to Tot and glared.

"Why didn't you stop, Farfarello?" she asked.

"Because he said he would return her in the morning and he would let Tot look at his books and help him out. He promised to let Tot help on his next patient too! Isn't it exciting?" the girl squealed in delight. Hell grabbed her by the elbow and waved for Nue to follow.

"I swear I'm going to make a truce with Weiss. Allying with Schwarz is a big pain in my..."

"Hell! That's not nice to say," Tot chastised as they got into their own getaway car.


"Everyone come here and see this!"

Hell startled awake at Schone's loud call from the kitchen and door slam. Hell jumped up and ran downstairs to where the blonde lady-assassin cradled her jaw. Instead of a look of agony like Hell expected, she had a look of dreamy contemplation.

"Are you okay? What did that sick pervert do?" Hell asked a little nervously when Schone gave a large sigh and sank into one of the kitchen chairs.

"He not only fixed my incisor, but he whitened my teeth. My teeth have never looked so good," she said with a voice oozing in delight. "He even filled that cavity and made it perfect! Can you believe it? My mouth is so minty-fresh. He's the best dentist ever!"

"You've got to be kidding," Hell said after she sank into a chair beside Schone.

"No. Isn't it wonderful? Look," Schone said flashing her teeth at Hell.

"Wow. He did a great job," Hell admitted at Schone's perfect looking, bright white teeth. "But didn't he try to cause you a lot of pain?"

"Well... I was unconscious most of the time... so it didn't hurt at all. He did say he preferred patients who were wide awake and had no novocaine like Schuldig the other night. He told me he was just happy for the practice," Schone said. "I mean... you know this could save me a fortune in the future. Now if only Farfarello would take up plastic surgery," she added, eying her left hip.

"Well I'm glad you got back here. It's your turn to take Tot and Nagi to school," Hell said.

"Fine," Schone said with a stretch before hopping up and leaving their house with Tot in tow.


"...and then I can give them a shot of novocaine if I want. But I never really want to do that," Farfarello said. He sat beside Tot on the sofa. One of Farfarello's books was spread out between them. Nagi looked on from a wingback chair, very vexed.

He had invited Tot over after school so they could snuggle and talk. Instead, she sought out Farfarello and questioned him about dentistry. She reminded the pale Irish assassin of his promise to let her help on his next patient. Farfarello assured Tot he had no intention of breaking his promise, but he told her she had to educate herself about some dental assisting tasks.

"Tot either. Novocaine takes the fun away. Tot agrees," she said seriously. Nagi sighed and flopped back, totally defeated. He could see his girlfriend now had a new hobby he wasn't thrilled about: Farfarello's dental assistant.


Omi looked across the table as Ken looked forlornly at his heaping plate of food. Omi shot Youji a glance and jerked his head Ken's way. Youji sighed and set aside his spoon.

"How long is it going to be before you cry 'uncle' and just go already?" Youji asked.

"Nothing is wrong! I'm just fine! You two quit pestering me," Ken snapped.

"Then eat your food," Aya said.

"Not you too. I thought you wouldn't care," Ken said sarcastically after he looked to his right at the redheaded assassin.

"I don't care. It's just irritating hearing Youji and Omi bitch at you night after night. Just get something done about it already," Aya said before he took a sip of water.

"There is nothing wrong with my mouth! I'm fine. What is it with you three?" Ken shouted.

"Then take a bite of your chicken," Omi said. He gave Ken a challenging look that only nettled Ken's competitive spirit. Still, the pain was pretty intense. He picked up a fork and set it back down.

"I'm just not that hungry," Ken yelled. His stomach gurgled loudly, which elicited smirks from the other three assassins.

"Come on then, big boy. Eat if your wisdom teeth aren't really bothering you. It's not like Aya did the cooking tonight. I did," Youji said, earning a glare from Aya.

"Okay... you three win. My wisdom teeth are coming in and it's killing me. I just can't go get them pulled," Ken admitted.

"Why not?" Omi asked. Ken sighed and shook his head.

"When I was little a dentist scared me to death. My mother thought it would be fun to go to this new kids's dentist that dressed like a clown. I'm also afraid of clowns too, but that's a different story. Well... I had cavities and he was going to fill them. Too bad he read the wrong x-ray. I was there for an hour while he drilled the wrong teeth and then two hours when he finally found the right teeth. The novocaine wore off, but he was so cranky and tired he didn't give me any more! It was excruciating. My mom sued the heck out of him because she never could get me to another dentist," Ken said.

"But that was a lark. A one time deal. I've been plenty of times and never had a problem. Besides, ladies don't like guys with nasty teeth," Youji said.

"How about Dr Wu. He's good. He's also a pain-free oral surgeon that can do that kind of work on a payment plan. He gets interns from the Tokyo City University to help him out," Omi said.

"Interns? That's horrible. How good can they be?" Ken mumbled to his food as Omi got out his cell phone.

"You're going even if I have to drag you there myself," Aya threatened. Ken scowled and marched off to his room while Omi made the appointment.


"Nice to meet you, Mr. Farfarello. Your instructors all recommend you highly," Dr Wu, the elderly Chinese dentist, said after he shook Farfarello's hand.

"Thank you. I do enjoy this kind of work," Farfarello said with a smile spreading across his face.

"Good. You'll come in tomorrow and help me with a tough case. A patient who needs all four of his wisdom teeth extracted. The problem is that he's terrified of dentists. He's so phobic of dentists that his friends had to force him into this. We have to reassure him and make sure he relaxes and has a pleasant experience," Dr Wu said. Farfarello frowned until he looked over at the x-ray and the name on the file: Hidaka, Ken.

"Oh... I'm so thrilled you've chosen me for this assignment. I'll do my utmost to tend to Mr. Hidaka's needs," Farfarello promised with a demonic grin, not believing his incredible luck.

After he left Dr. Wu's office he called Tot to see if he could get her out of school tomorrow. He made her promise to not tell any of their teammates about this rare opportunity to have a member of Weiss at their mercy.


"I'm really scared, Omi!" Ken shouted, clutching the teen boy's hand tightly while Youji struggled to push him back into the dentist's chair.

"Would you settle down already?" Youji snarled. He attempted to pry Ken's fingers off of poor Omi's hand. Omi was now on the floor crying out for mercy as his blue fingers curled unnaturally. "You would think we're having your leg amputated."

"I'd rather have that done," Ken wailed. Youji smacked Ken across the face and yanked Omi away, all the while retaining a cool expression of aplomb. Ken now looked meek as he pouted. Youji pointed his finger at Ken's nose. "Next time one of us has to come in here, it'll be Aya."

Youji pushed a whimpering Omi out of the oral surgeon's room ahead of him and slammed the door. Ken trembled and clutched the armrest as his heart thudded painfully in his chest. The creek of the door made him jump.

The dental assistant, who was wearing a white mask, lifted up a syringe. Ken couldn't help but think there was something familiar about her as the needle sank into his lower right arm. He felt warm, tingly, and heavy seconds later. More relaxed. He looked over as the dental assistant opened the door and let in the white clad dentist.

The man sat in a chair beside Ken and studied his x-ray. Ken took a deep breath and turned his head to look over at the two white clad people. There was something disturbingly familiar about the dentist as well.

"So, Weiss. You're wisdom teeth are causing you lots of trouble I see," the dentist said lowering his white mask. Ken's blood pressure shot through the roof as he recognized Farfarello. The assistant lowered her mask. It made him feel that much worse to realize it was Tot.

"No! Not you two! Help me! They'll kill me! Help," Ken started screaming as Tot jumped on his lap and held his wrist down while Farfarello tied him to the chair. He panicked. This was even worse than the nightmares he'd had last night. He was at the mercy of his worst, most sadistic enemies who were in control of his deepest phobia.

"Don't try to struggle. She has already given you enough drugs to knock you senseless for the next three hours," Farfarello said after he finished tying Ken to the chair.

"It's Schwarz! Help! It's Schreient! Guys, come and save me," Ken shouted as Farfarello held up a black rubber gas mask.

"Nighty-nighty, Weissy," Tot said with a wave and giggle before Ken's world went black.


"Listen to him holler. It's downright embarrassing," Youji said, sinking behind an old Cosmo magazine.

"And then he thinks we'll come in there because he yelled that Schwarz and Schreient are in there. Does he really think we're that stupid? I know he's desperate, but he should know better," Aya said, flipping though a Better Homes and Garden.

"Next time he needs to go to a dentist, we'll just call his Yukina so we won't have to go through this again," Omi said, tossing aside a copy of Mental Floss.

Two hours later the three of them turned to see the dentist and his assistant wheel Ken out in a wheelchair. The ex-soccer player was dead to the world with wads of bloody gauze hanging from swollen lips.

Ken's three teammates walked over and froze in their tracks when they saw Farfarello and Tot in the dental garb rather than Dr. Wu and Nurse Misumoto. Farfarello grinned widely showing off his perfect teeth.

"The patient is all better thanks to Farfarello and Tot," Tot announced waving her stuffed rabbit in the air. The men of Weiss were too stunned to move. Farfarello waved a sheet of paper in front of Aya. The redhead assassin finally took the sheet of paper and looked at it.

"These are the instructions for his care over the next three weeks. Make sure he does everything on it or he'll get these lovely little blood clots know as dry sockets. I hear they can be wonderfully painful, but I wouldn't know about that. We'll see him back next week," Farfarello said. Weiss continued to stare blankly at him and Tot. "You can go now. Shoo... we've got other people to cut open... ha... ha..."

Aya and Youji snatched Ken up and ran with Omi close behind. They piled into Aya's car quickly. Aya cranked the engine and gunned his car out towards the flower shop.

"I'll never go to the dentist again," Youji said clutching his seatbelt and shivering.

"At least Ken is alive," Omi said in the back seat trying to shake Ken awake.

"Let him sleep. When he wakes up, he's going to be so pissed at us," Aya said. They all just nodded and were silent the rest of the trip home.


"Ken," Omi called from Ken's bedroom doorway. The ex-soccer player glared from where he rested on several fluffed up pillows. "We got your favorite... Haggen Daas Rum Raisin."

Ken continued to glare when Aya and Youji shoved Omi in the room with the ice-cream. They peeked in from behind the door to observe what Ken would do to Omi.

"I know you're a little upset right now, but how were we supposed to know that Farfarello's hobby was oral surgery?" Omi asked. Ken started to mumble and drool. He spit out pinkish gauze in irritation.

"When I start feeling better I am so getting you three," Ken said. "Good thing Farfarello prescribed me some good drugs or I would have killed all of you by now."

"Come on. It couldn't have been that bad," Omi said. "You don't really remember much of it."

"How would you like to go to sleep with the idea of Farfarello as your dentist?" Ken asked. Omi shuddered, placed Ken's ice-cream on the night stand, and backed out of the door.

"He does have a point," Youji said after he shut Ken's bedroom door. "Now I think he'll really need therapy about the whole dentist thing."

"Let's just pray he doesn't get dry sockets. I am not running over to Schwarz's hideout and asking Farfarello for a follow up," Aya said. Youji and Omi nodded their agreement. "Ken will be beside himself if that happens."


(Five days later)

Aya pounded on the door to the swanky high-rise apartment. Crawford opened the door in aggravation that his early morning coffee was being interrupted by the Fujimiya whelp.

"Where's Farfarello? We have an emergency," Aya demanded.

"An emergency? What kind," Crawford asked. Youji and Omi dragged Ken between them as he struggled to get out of the wires that bound him.

"He has dry sockets," Aya explained. Farfarello came to the door and looked down Ken at who was utterly traumatized.

"Ah... I live for these days," Farfarello said beckoning in Weiss.

End