A/N: Long overdue birthday present to Kawaii-no-Kitsune. Thanks for being my most faithful reviewer and friend (blah blah blah). I hope you're happy CT. I hope you're happy. And YUS I have returned from my prolonged hiatus. But I'm going back right after this. Heh. Ah what the heck. Just start reading and don't forget to review. And FINE: credits to Kawaii-no-Kitsune for the whole Sasuke's-hair-looks-like-a-duck-butt thing.
Chapter 21: I WANT MY MAFIA MOMMY
"You know what," said Kankurou, reclining on the couch and yawning. Like a cat.
"What," said Temari, doing the same things as Kankurou. Only she didn't look like a cat. But what she looked like shall remain a mystery since we don't know either.
"I've stopped watching Naruto. And I've stopped reading the Naruto manga too," said Kankurou, sounding rather mature.
"Um Kankurou, as much as I hate it, aren't we IN the Naruto world?"
Completely ignoring Temari, Kankurou went on, "I've lost my passion for that show. It's gotten boring. Somehow even the Pein arc was boring and I stopped watching after the part with Ibiki and the cat statue thing."
Kankurou sat up, his eyes narrowed in a very cool way (I'm serious. It's something canon Sasuke would do).
"I like cats."
Temari pulled Kankurou's head off and threw it across the room. But not really.
"Speaking of which," said Temari all prissily AS USUAL, sinking into the couch, "what happened to the audition? Like, where is everybody?"
"Like I'd know," chuckled Kankurou.
"Kankurou, stop acting cool. You're pissing me off."
"I'm not acting."
"Wait…Kankurou did you just come back with a comeback that actually made sense?" yelled Temari across the room.
"Um, yeah. Don't I always?" said Kankurou, raising an eyebrow. He seemed rather unperturbed at his suddenly OCness, or should it be OOCness? In this story anyway.
"Uh…" Temari backed away slowly. She was scared. She was very scared.
"You know Temari, I was thinking. I want a bit of change. I know I've been a crybaby cat loving puppeteer in the past, but I kind of want to be a little more mature now. You know? It's like, I want to set a good example for Gaara and since I'm the man of the family, putting Baki aside, I'd like to take better care of it."
Temari just stared.
"In the past, you were the only sane one and you always carried the heavy burden of being the straight man, or woman as the case may be while I was the free-wheeling joker that never made any sense. And Gaara was always just creeping the hell outta us. But I think I want to change all that."
"Kankurou," Temari said gently, "did you bump your head? Or do you feel cold?"
"I'm perfectly fine Temari. Like I said, I just want to change. Naruto…hmph, that's just a little kid's show. I'm almost twenty now and it's weird if I keep acting like this. Someday I'm going to have to get married, have kids. That kind of thing. I think maybe I should do something else. I think being a ninja is too kiddy for me, you know?"
Temari nearly puked when she heard the words get married, have kids. But then she took a deep breath and tried her best to respond to thing she was talking to—Kankurou's long lost rationality.
"Then…what do you want to be?"
"Isn't a ninja a kind of hitman?" Temari's temple throbbed. Apparently, he never had any rationality to begin with.
"There's a difference."
"And what's that difference?"
"They use guns. They have cool moves like Zero Point Breakthrough. They get to use tonfas and whips and don't forget handcuffs. And they have cute baby hitmen dressed in cow suits. And bazookas that can magically age people ten years too."
Temari's mouth hung open.
"Where the crap did you get that from?"
"See Temari, I've been watching another anime these few days. And I think it's waaaay better than Naruto. It's called Katekyo Hitman Reborn and it is now my favourite anime."
"Hate to break it to you, but we LIVE in the freaking Naruto world," said Temari the party pooper. Loudly.
Once again, she was ignored, and Kankurou, "So I was thinking we should get a complete revamp. And we should all rename ourselves after people in KHR."
"No," came the affirmation.
Said affirmation was ignored. Again. Kankurou pulled out his copy of The Weekly Puppeteer that hadn't seen the light of day since last July and began to scribble across it.
"K-Kankurou! What are you doing? You love that magazine!"
"Not anymore. I've subscribed to Mafia Monthly."
"Then wh-what about Karasu and the others?"
A blood curdling shriek pierced the still desert air. Yet no one really cared. Not even Baki, who was doing…things in his private studio cum auditorium.
"I don't know you anymore," Temari breathed.
"Done!" said Kankurou, lifting up the desecrated magazine. On it, a list of things were written.
"Today we're going to re-enact episode 201! So this is the cast list!"
Temari, who had become hardened to Kankurou's suddenly character change, "What is this? Another movie audition? We haven't even finished the current movie arc and now you want to re-enact some episode from some half bit mafia anime that doesn't even have blood in it despite the fact that it's a MAFIA anime."
"Hey, that's because of young children like Lambo and I-pin in it! As well as the Arcobalenos and stuff."
"What…the hell. Whoever heard of babies who can use guns and fight? Babies are supposed to wear diapers, poop in them and cry all day."
"AHA! Temari, you watch it too don't you? If not, how did you know about the Arcobalenos?"
"Doh!" Temari cursed, "fine, you got me. But I watch it to laugh at it OK?"
"Are you sure it's not for…Hibari?"
Curses. He got me again. What's with his sudden perceptiveness. Grr…but Hibari is pretty hot, what with his steel tonfas and his being voiced by Kondo Takeshi…
"Ah whatever. Lemme see that list."
Surprisingly, Kankurou's penmanship had improved dramatically. His words were finally legible now and could even be called English words!
Kankurou's Cast List for the Re-Enactment of KHR Episode 201
1. Sawada Tsunayoshi—Gaara
2. Gokudera Hayato—Uzumaki Naruto
3. Yamamato Takeshi—Uchiha Sasuke
4. Sasagawa Ryohei—Rock Lee
5. Rokudo Mukuro—Temari
6. Chrome Dokuro—Nara Shikamaru
7. Hibari Kyouya—Baki
9. That really gross green haired guy whose name I don't know—Hyuuga Neji
10. Byakuran—Hyuuga Hinata
11. Irie Shoichi—Yamanaka Ino
12. Reborn—Sarutobi Asuma
13. Bianchi—Hoshigaki Kisame
14. Yuni—Uchiha Itachi
15. Fuuta—Akimichi Chouji
16. Miura Haru—Pein
17. Xanxus—Yuuhi Kurenai
18. Sasagawa Kyoko—Hidan
19. Superbi Squalo—Sephiroth
20. Lal Mirch—Kakuzu
"KANKUROU THIS IS THE WORST CAST LIST IN THE WORLD. SEPHIROTH ISN'T EVEN FROM NARUTO AND WHY THE HELL AM I MUKURO AND WHY THE HELL IS SHIKAMRU CHROME AND HOW DARE YOU CAST BAKI AS HIBARI THAT'S THE BIGGEST INSULT TO HIBARI I AM GOING TO KILL YOU I SWEAR KANKUROU AND THEN I AM GOING TO DESERCRATE YOUR DEAD BODY AND FEED IT TO THE VICTIMS OF THE SLASHER IN IKEBUKURO."
"Nice run on Temari. Anyway, I'm going to go look for all of them. You stay here and get a trident or something alright Temari? See ya."
And with that, the cat-suit wearing puppeteer left the living room.
(Three hours later.)
Twenty people were gathered outside the Sand Siblings' house in the middle of the desert.
"Hey…wait a minute, where in the cat poop is Asuma anyway?" demanded Kankurou.
"Um he's dead. I #$%&81* killed him," said Hidan calmly, adjusting his Kyoko wig and his Kyoko dress.
"Then why are you here?" asked Shikamaru, in the midst of dyeing his hair dark blue and putting on an eyepatch and a female Kokuyo uniform (OMG. It's really SHORT), "I thought I threw you into a pit or something."
"Heh I made friends with the !#$%^&* deer. Then that stupid !#$%^&* catsuit guy found me."
"Shikamaru, this is your sensei's killer we're talking about. Can't you like…care more?" asked Kurenai.
"No," yawned Shikamaru, "does this skirt make me look fat?"
"Temari! What are you doing? Put in those Six Path contacts or something will ya! Dye your hair blue to. Just look at Shikamaru!"
Temari's eye twitched.
Then Pein walked over.
"If you like Miss Temari, I'm willing to offer you a trade. I believe I'm more suited to the role of Rokudo Mukuro since I do have the Deva Paths. And you can be Miura Haru, since both of you are girls," said Pein politely.
But before Temari could answer, Kankurou came over and slapped Pein. Hard. So hard that he fell to the ground.
"SHAAADUP," said Kankurou boorishly, "I SAID SHAAADUPP."
"I…heard you," said Pein, sniffing.
"What did I just say?"
"No, I said SHAADUPP. Say it like that ya hear?"
"Better. See hear mac, I don't want no punks exchanging no roles. Capice?"
"I get it," sniffed Pein. Again.
"What's…with that? Why am I surrounded by so many freaks?" Temari trembled.
"OK places, places everyone. Alright the first thing is Hinata has to hug Gaara because Byakuran had that special hand thing to do that, but Hinata obviously can't so she has to hug him physically."
Hinata raised a hand.
"Um…why am I Byakuran?"
"Because you have the Byakugan, so it sounds like Byakuran so you get to be Byakuran."
"Objection," said Neji prissily, not unlike Temari, "I have the Byakugan too, so why am I that green haired guy nobody knows? I'd say I'm much better suited to be this Byakuran man than Hinata."
"Do you want to hug Gaara? You do don't you? Neji?" said Kankurou evilly.
Gaara stared at Neji.
"Fine…" hissed Neji.
So Hinata hugged Gaara who just stood there. And all the GaaHina fans died right there and then.
"Now Gokudera has to shout 'Juudaime!' and Yamamoto has to shout 'Tsuna!'"
"Wait," said Sasuke, "am I Yamamoto?"
"Duh Sasuke, you are such a retard," laughed Naruto, "I'm the Genkishi right? It fits my Jinchuuriki persona well."
"No, retard no. 2, YOU'RE Gokudera."
"I don't see why I need to shout that," said Naruto folding his arms, "I'm probably going to be the Juudaime Hokage. And besides I'm not gonna shout that to some two-bit Kazekage who can't even defend himself from the Akatsuki and has to rely on Chuunin and Sakura to save him."
"Hey!" said Sakura, "I'm a Chuunin too!"
"Naruto…" said Gaara sadly, "I thought we were friends."
"SHAADUPP!" hollered Kankurou, "I said SHAADUPP!"
Alas, he was ignored because everyone was amazed at Naruto's rather jaded outburst which was completely out of character.
"It's probably PMS," said Shino who had come anyway.
Everyone present gasped because it was unlike Shino to come up with such witty remarks.
"OK OK, now let's get back to this. One of you talk!"
"Um…oh no Tsuna is being attacked by Byakuran!" said Kurenai, who was supposed to be playing Xanxus.
"We should help him…pfft…because he's…pfft…ahahahahahahaha!" Kisame a.k.a Bianchi burst into laughter, "I still can't get over the fact that Itachi's wearing TIGHTS!"
"Die Kisame," said Itachi nonchalantly, looking rather attractive as he cosplayed as Yuni.
"Aw man, you guys are hopeless, let's just skip to the part after Tsuna faints and Byakuran's talking to Yuni."
Gaara lay face down on the ground, very still. Hinata returned to her place in the middle of a circle drawn by Kankurou with a stick and Itachi stood in front of her.
Rings were thrown around. Not only that, some people (Rock Lee and Naruto) had gotten hold of Sephiroth's sword and were sowing discord with it. Sephiroth killed them as a result. Purpose? No one knows.
"Um…we're…finally alone…Ita-I mean Yuni-ch-chan…" stammered Hinata, in the face of the Akatsuki member in tights.
(CUE ITAHINA fangirls. They are seriously twisted.)
"Oh, oh yeah…um…" Itachi proceeded to make some sounds that were not uncommon in an ecchi harem anime.
"YUNI-CHAAAAN!" screamed Pein passionately. He was really getting into his role as Haru.
"TSUNA-SAAAN!" he screamed again, turning in the direction of the unmoving Gaara.
"!#$%^&*Tsuna-!#$%^&*kun," said Hidan.
"You're…uh…hiding…hi-hiding…something under your…um…cl-cloak aren't…you?"
"I am?" said Itachi, looking around, "oh yeah, I am. Oops."
Pacifiers fell to the ground.
"So…Mammon's going to come back?" said Yamato rather nervously.
"CUUUUT" shouted Kankurou, "WHERE'S REBORN?"
"I thought we told you he died," said Shikamaru a.k.a Chrome.
"Shut it Pineapple Girl herbivore," snapped Kankurou.
"Hey that's my line," said Baki, speaking for the first time in the chapter.
"But whatever, just get on with it."
"Um what do I do now?" asked Itachi.
"Water them! Idiot! Then they'll grow into Arcobaleno. Geez," said Kankurou.
The rest of the time was spent watching Itachi water pacifiers.
Gaara woke with a start.
He stood up and saw Sakura in a quivering heap on the ground and everyone laughing happily at her plight. A laptop lay a few inches away from said casualty.
"Urgh, I had the dumbest dream," he said to Kankurou, who was picking his nose.
A/N: OK I wanted this to be longer but I ran out of ideas. So anywho I am planning to continue the movie arc so don't worry about that. I'm just on a tiny hiatus, s'all. Well I suggest you guys watch the episode to get what this chapter was about. I haven't watched KHR to THAT extent yet. I'm only at like ep 69 or something. Not to mention I skipped the first 20 eps or something. But iut's true I've stopped watching/reading Naruto. Sorry about the DRRR and FF reference. I couldn't resist. And yes, I know, most of the plot points have already been forgotten and I'm losing my touch. Haha. Well, review nonetheless.