By Maureen

Disclaimer: Music and lyrics by Radiohead. Story by me. I like the poor underused characters...maybe I like them a little too much. Is there anyone who appeared for more than 5 minutes in an ep that I've forgotten?

PG-13 for some bad language, nothing you've never heard before.


When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

I hear what they say behind my back. That my ass is so tight I can't pass gas. That I bring anal retentiveness to new lows. That I'm perfection incarnate.

Okay, let's be realistic here. They say that Valerie Linear is perfection incarnate, followed closely by Henry Beecham and Tyler Connell. But, I like to pretend they are talking about me. Max Carlson.

Or 'Maximum' Carlson, if you prefer. If you follow Caitlin Roth, that's what you'd call me. 'Maximum Carlson'.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

I don't care what the other students say though, really. After all, they spend four years with me, sometimes less, and then they leave, never to return. So really, they are meaningless.

Is it obvious I'm just trying to convince myself of this? That I don't really believe it?

I hate my life. No, hate is too strong of a word. I just can't stand to see kids with the future waiting for them give it up as if it were some cheap bauble to be bought and sold at the mall.

But I 'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I wanted to be a microbiologist, back when I was in school. I took all the science classes offered, especially honors biology and biology II. I was president of the science club. So yeah, I guess I was a nerd.

In college though, I suppose I just didn't have what it took. I nearly failed out my first year and my parents demanded I either change majors to something I was better at or go to a community college to try again.

I couldn't face the embarrassment of a community college so I changed majors. Both of my parents were teachers, so I figured 'why not?'.

I even deluded myself into loving it for fifteen years. Fifteen years of grading papers and teaching the same material five times a day for fifteen years. The worst part was that I taught biology, a constant reminder of what I couldn't accomplish.

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

So I changed to administration, became a counselor. Now I couldn't be near any science except for maybe a little pop-psychology. Let me tell you, the counselors in high school's, they do everything but counsel. They take coffee breaks, wander around school, shuffle papers around, but they never counsel.

Needless to say, I despised it. Unfortunantly, there was no where to go but up. And I needed the money to help support my parents now that they were retired. After all, teaching does not pay very well.

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

So to assistant principal I was promoted. The same year the bleacher junkies became a formidable force on campus. Caitlin Roth was a freshman and unfortunantly for me, her freshman adjustment period lasted all of perhaps 5 minutes.

She campaigned for everything, protested everything and before the first grading period was over, she was in detention more than any other student.

Now, I admit, secretly in the privacy of my own mind, that I am a little biased. I was raised to always dress appropriately for the situation, mind my manners and to follow the rules. She...was raised by a pack of wolves.

Her black eyeliner, the Pat Benatar-esque clothes, her take charge attitude, that is not appropriate. I am not against equal rights for women or anything like that, but at the same time, there is appropriate behavior in school. Valerie Linear is appropriate, Caitlin Roth is not.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

So she calls me 'unfair' and says that I 'play favorites'. How can I not? Valerie never gets into trouble, never gives me cause to give her detention. Caitlin does every day. How can it be fair if she refuses to follow the rules?

The she met James Waite and the two were unstoppable. And I always end up looking like the bad guy. That's the problem with being a principal. I'm the bad guy in every situation. And I'm drifting farther away from my biology!

She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run

So I punish those who do not follow the rules perfectly, those who have an iota of personality and individuality because I hate my life. I hate my little two bedroom house, with the one car garage.

I hate my science textbooks that I have from college, gathering dust on the shelves, never to be read again.

I hate the predictability of my life, how I go to the grocery store every Saturday, do laundry every Sunday and to 'relax' on Friday's I visit my parents in the next town over.

I hate the freedom of the bleacher junkies and how they will end up bums on the street, never to fulfill their dreams.

I hate the youth that surrounds me on a daily basis, so perfect with the futures bright.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

Maybe hate isn't too strong of a word afterall.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here