A/N: How long has it been? I don't know but I'm a lazy moron. Also rusty. Let's test it out, shall we? Enjoy the testicular jokes.

"Oh... Man... what happened?" The ground beneath my body was cold and wet, the air was rank and stale. My eyes slid open to observe my surroundings. Apparently, I had been kidnapped or something... and now I was in a dimly lit room... Room isn't even the right word. It was more like a chamber, with glass walls and vast spaces. Seaweed danced upon the edge of the glass, but there were no fish to be seen. My hand made it's way in front of me, feeling for some kind of support to help me on my feet. I grasped something stiff and cold. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up with a grunt. The thing I had grabbed was a human corpse... And my hand was on his nether regions.

"Oh GOD!" I leapt to my feet and swayed a little, dizzy from naseau. My hand flew to my mouth to suppress my puke, but I had forgotten that this was the hand I had groped the dead body with. I hacked up all there was in my stomach, cursing as I did so.

"Jack! Have you come to?"

"Obviously, Atlas! It's not some goddamn splicer out here barfing his balls off!" I replied angrily as I wiped the mix of chips and twinkies from my mouth.

"Wait... Did you just say, 'barfing his balls off'? That doesn't even make sense. You just wanted to say 'balls'."

"Don't judge me."

"Whatever, you're just angry because you're spliced up."

"What? What do you mean?"

"That was a plasmid you just pumped into your system. Plasmids give you amazing new abilities. This one happen to be electroshock."

"DUDE. Are you serious? That's insane!" I gazed at my hands, they didn't seem any different. A little skeptical, I walked towards a vita-chamber. I squeezed my head in between the wall and the glowing tube. Sure enough, there was a dead cat crammed where no one could find it... Except for a master-mind such as myself.

"HIYAAAA!" I made a super-hero like motion with my hands at the cat. At first, I felt nothing, but a few seconds passed, and soon I felt something tingling at the ends of my finger tips. A flash of lightning erupted from the palm of my hand, striking the cat and causing it to fly half-way across the room. "Holy crap!" I screamed in a manly, yet shrill voice. "That's bitchin' to the max! CANADIAN PRIDE MOFO!" I thrust my fists into the air, proud to be a dedicated fan of Kids in the Hall.

"Okay, okay, you've seen it. Now stop acting like a socially awkward high schooler and get out of here."

"Hold on, hold on, I wanna find that cat first and beat it with my wrench. There's something so magical about that thing..."

"Just go!"

"Fine geeze!" I reluctantly shoved my hands into my pockets and stomped through the vault and into a glass tunnel.


After wandering around and zapping guys with my lightning hands, I stumbled upon a particular room. It didn't have any glass windows.... strange. I looked below, a few spotlight's were focused on a corpse. There was a little girl hovering over it.

"Oh man, I'm gonna zap this bitch." I snickered as I readied my hands.

"Wait! Would you kindly lower that weapon for me?"

My hands fell to my sides almost immediately. "What, what is it radio man! Why don't you want me to zap her!" I was slightly annoyed. For once MY EYES were on the easy target and Atlas was going to let it slip away. I heard a tired sigh over the radio.

"It's a little sister..."

A/N: I am so proud of myself.

Seriously second or third vita chamber, there's this freaky cat crammed behind it. And it's like a statue, but it's light like a doll, and it bleeds.

I always try to sit it upright. Heh.